Day 1 (again)
We met 8.5 years ago. We just happened to be on the same beach in FL. Instant connection. Kissed, held hands. Couldn't date because we lived in 2 different states. We kept in touch for the next 4 years. Had romantic conversations. She threw out hints that I should check out grad schools near where she lived. I wasn't happy where I was living and nothing was keeping me there, so I figured I'd check it out. I found a job right away and decided to take it. It seemed like fate, the way we met and how everything fell into place so easily. I built a house and we remained friends for another year after moving here.
It was obvious that she had feelings for me because she would get jealous when I would spend time with other people (especially if she thought I might have an interest in them), but she would tell me she didn't want to date me...so I would painfully listen to her stories of each person she dated, because that is what a good friend would do. Soon, the pain became too much. I couldn't be just her friend because I was in love with her, so I walked away. I began talking to other people and eventually started dating someone casually.
In no time at all, she was doing everything she could to show me that she wanted to be with me. Not long after, we started dating. We were together 2 years before she moved in, and when she moved in, things fell apart. I am a very clean person, but she is over the top clean and it has proven detrimental to her relationships time and time again. After a year (at this point it had been 8 years since we met) of nitpicking and nagging, I told her we needed to live separate and I broke up with her. Not because I didn't love her, but because I had a lot of stress with work/school and I needed to come home to a positive environment. I was relieved at first. I started hanging out with someone else. I liked not coming home and feeling like I HAD to clean or do whatever. I enjoyed the break.
We talked almost daily, but then we started fighting because she didn't like me hanging out with other people and she would get mad at me about it....and then it seemed that she was hanging out with a bunch of new people that she just met and doing all of the same things with them that she did with me...it was hurtful. I thought she was doing it to try to make me jealous and it worked, but I tried my hardest not to show her.
Over time (a couple months maybe), I apologized for hurting her and for anything I did to contribute to our breaking up. This was difficult for me, because I knew it gave her the power to decide what our next step would be. She was upset with me for taking the break that I took when we first broke up and thought that meant that I didn't care about her (or at least that is what she has said). I've told her that I love her and let's work on the things that we were struggling with, but things don't seem to be getting any better.
She invites me over, is all affectionate with me, tells me she loves me, calls me every morning to say good morning and does the same at night...but then when she wants to do something without me, she starts yelling and telling me that I broke up with her and that she is single and she can do whatever she wants and that she just wants to be friends. Her actions when she is around me don't say that at all. She says she wants a friendship but she can't be friends, because she gets upset every time I want to do something with someone else. I know she has feelings and so do I. They feel the same.
I am so confused. I told her that we weren't "friends" and told her to leave me alone. I have done this twice since we broke up over the summer. Once, it lasted a week and once it lasted a month. It seems that if I tell her not to contact me, then she never will, but if I don't specifically say that, she will say hi to me every day to let me know she is thinking of me. I tried to start NC again last night, but then she called me 15 times this mornign and also text me and emailed me a few times too. I emailed her and I told her to leave me alone. I haven't heard from her since.
Sad thing is, I don't want her to leave me alone. I just can't stick around while she is confused because what she is doing is pulling me in and then pushing me away over and over again. It hurts too much. I'll be honest, I am doing this because I hope it will bring her back to me and give her time to think about things and to maybe miss me. This time, I really want to do NC successfully. I need to know if she is thinking about me and if she misses me and if she will try to reach out to me....
Lost and SOOOOO confused.
Any advice? Please don't be sarcastic or tell me I am a loser, etc. I am looking for sincere good-hearted advice.
