The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[V2Logger]

Yes Weezy, it was the day it started Aug.19. It began with a text. I didn't mention the other person in her life in the text. I was being neutral. But she was not. It then lead into an IM later.She brought a sense of bitterness, like her decision was still my fault ultimately. She placed quick and thoughtless responses that even shocked me, meaning like no thought behind them just in attack mode. I left off like "take care, and maybe we can talk someday in Sept.", she said "I'll think about it". After that I also found out two weeks after the break up she also went to Vegas. That's why I said she was a good actress. Come to find out she is some type of wannabe socialite now. This is someone who I knew for 5 yrs. and it felt like someone who totally betrayed my trust now. I can't see her the same. Up until now I realize that I really have to remain NC. I already got slammed down, it's my choice to stay down or get up. I chose to get up. I won't lie I did some moping, but being with friends and family, and doing things that interest me have helped a great deal. She had some negative stress happening with her in that IM session, so I will let her stress; stress herself out, I don't need to be the vent.

 

[Jean Valjean]

True... My biggest "What If" about the whole situation is that up until 3 weeks before the break, she kept hinting about wanted to get married and wanting to take care of me. She broke it off because she felt I took her for granted and didn't put her first in my life, which I didn't, and that the relationship was going nowhere.

So deep down I'm thinking, well, what if I told her that I would be willing to do the marriage thing, would that change anything? or would it just cause her to gain more power and me to get "crushed" when she laughed it off. Probably just my head planing tricks on me. Maybe she was so nice during the breakup because she wanted me to go on my own and realize I needed her? She said when we broke up that she can't waste anymore time in this relationship.. which also makes me think she felt like I wasn't ever going to step up to the plate so she needs to explore other options. Her pulling away started shortly after me making a joke about "wanting to take care of me".

But in reality it's probably that her interest level was lowered by my not putting enough effort in and any chance of getting married is long gone because she's probably with another guy.

At any rate, I'm sticking to the NC plan for 60 days and we'll see what's up after that. It's only been 31 days so *maybe* I'll hear from her before I get to 60?? I'm guessing not though.

Wheezy

you are full of doubt so this is what I think you should consider. Act to remove all the doubt once and for all. Make contact and plead your case. It is what I did with my gf. I went back to my gf and let her shoot me down big time and with no holds barred plain and simple. She finally told me after many hints "I'm not getting intimate with you I've saving it for who I'm meant to be with". Then I was convinced it was over.

Most likely it will fail considering her zero effort to regain you. Things might look up a little but I predict a final fall. She will probably LJBF you while she fccks her new man.

This will be very painful and the final result may not be apparent for several weeks. If you're man enough to take the pain and anguish make contact and plead you case again. But first decide if you really want her in your life permanently. My girl friend had mental illness/anxiety issues so it was
easy to say she would be a long term mistake.


So stop moaning and being a flip flopper .. MAN UP make a decision and pay the price. AT least you will KNOW ... the price will be your broken heart bleeding all over the place ...but this too will pass though you will feel like you'll die first. Just stay strong and keep us posted

Repeat .. JUST DO IT!

 

[V2Logger]

Wheezy, you have to save your heart, brain and energy; above all your self dignity. Remember, "... like you said when you have an ex that wants you back ... you know about it! .. because she lets you know 100 ways". Just think about that before you leave your heart on the floor.

 

[Weezy]

Wheezy

It is what I did with my gf. I went back to my gf and let her shoot me down big time and with no holds barred plain and simple. She finally told me after many hints "I'm not getting intimate with you I've saving it for who I'm meant to be with". Then I was convinced it was over.


So stop moaning and being a flip flopper .. MAN UP make a decision and pay the price. AT least you will KNOW ... the price will be your broken heart bleeding all over the place ...but this too will pass though you will feel like you'll die first. Just stay strong and keep us posted

Repeat .. JUST DO IT!

Thanks for this post, very valuable to me. I didn't know that you went back as well and got your heart ripped out all the way. And it sounds like V2Logger did the same thing, so the writing is on the wall as to what will happen if I try.

My flip flopper attitude stems from the fact that I have yet to do this, and essentially I still have something for her to take... which is my pride and the knowledge that she still has me if she wants. Knowing this Women and chicks in general, she will let me spill my guts, and either say she'll think about it, or say it's over, and then go live her life getting fvcked by whomever, and if it doesn't work, she'll know I'm still there if she needs me.

I re-read a book I follow called the System by Doc Love last night, and I realized all the things I had done to drop her interest level to below 50%... Right up to me chasing her at the end... I lost her because I didn't play by the rules. When it's done, it's done he says.. learn to walk away and never look back.

I'm also noticing a change in my level of hurt. I still have trouble sleeping, but I'm starting to enjoy little things in life that I have forgotten about for the last month.

I think my emotions are still trying to control my actions and searching desperately for a way to stop the pain and return to the status quo.

I had a thought last night about the heartbreak process... I feel as though it's the process of going from a domesticated male who is content with his one women and can focus on everything else in life, to switching back to the primal hunter who views all women as potential targets. And this process requires your heart to re-harden which is a painful process.

From a philosophical standpoint... In the holy game of poker I'm short stacked, on tilt and only have 1 hand left to play.

I've never gotten a chick back by pushing and it doesn't sound like anyone else here has either. The right time for me to confess my love and desire to marry her would have been when the breakup happened, then at least she would have that to think about that while I was healing up.

32 days down, 28 to go. Thanks for the support and clarity.

 

[V2Logger]

That is good you have a book to look at. The path has been very rocky for me. It's hard to believe I only have 3 days left before I hit the 60 day mark of NC. I went from relishing in pain to just being hit in the face over memories. Now I just keep telling myself it is over. I will admit, I did get weak a few times where I almost sent a text or had an idea of calling. But then I always stopped myself and said "what could I possibly say to make this situation better?" then reality would take over, there is nothing. It's like they say, you will look weak in her view, and it will only push her away further justifying her decision. By the way, I did bring up things during the breakup that I thought would redirect her thoughts, it didn't help. Once they have their minds made up and whatever else, that's it. No point in trying to go back, move forward. The key I believe is looking towards the future. You are in your future right now. Start a new page in your life and keep busy. It will be when you are not busy that you will be the most vulnerable.

 

[Weezy]

That is good you have a book to look at. The path has been very rocky for me. It's hard to believe I only have 3 days left before I hit the 60 day mark of NC. I went from relishing in pain to just being hit in the face over memories. Now I just keep telling myself it is over. I will admit, I did get weak a few times where I almost sent a text or had an idea of calling. But then I always stopped myself and said "what could I possibly say to make this situation better?" then reality would take over, there is nothing. It's like they say, you will look weak in her view, and it will only push her away further justifying her decision. By the way, I did bring up things during the breakup that I thought would redirect her thoughts, it didn't help. Once they have their minds made up and whatever else, that's it. No point in trying to go back, move forward. The key I believe is looking towards the future. You are in your future right now. Start a new page in your life and keep busy. It will be when you are not busy that you will be the most vulnerable.

Nice, so how do you feel now nearing the 60 day point? Also, what's up with your sleep patterns? I still don't sleep worth a sh$t.

One other question for both you and Jean Valjean. How long did you wait before you called them after the breakup?

The more I think about it, her mind was made up along time before we split. I failed every test. You can only shrug off marriage, commitment, and spending more time together so many times. I need to face the music that I didn't want this girl long term, and my emotions are clouding my logical judgment. I'm gonna have to pay a price for the 3 years she spent trying to be good enough in my eyes for me to commit. I was a dead man walking for a 3 or 4 weeks before the break. And maybe even earlier than that.

It's time to turn the page on this chapter of my life and start enjoying all life has to offer. Also, I found drinking beer is very good for making me see things as they really are. She is just a girl, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing out of this world.

 

[Jean Valjean]

The more I think about it, her mind was made up along time before we split. I failed every test. You can only shrug off marriage, commitment, and spending more time together so many times. I need to face the music that I didn't want this girl long term, and my emotions are clouding my logical judgment. I'm gonna have to pay a price for the 3 years she spent trying to be good enough in my eyes for me to commit. I was a dead man walking for a 3 or 4 weeks before the break. And maybe even earlier than that.

It's time to turn the page on this chapter of my life and start enjoying all life has to offer. Also, I found drinking beer is very good for making me see things as they really are. She is just a girl, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing out of this world.

Yes, they make up their mind for what is best well before they break up with you, way before you get wind of it. By the time its verbalized it's been over for months ...you just didn't know about it.

I actually went back twice
first time I waited just 4 days it was killing me and I used a ruse about helping her with her anxiety issues
Second time she told me to GO AWAY but then contacted me a week later started telling me all the great things she was up to (outdoor concert - Donna Summmer in NYC, Jersey Boys on Broadway, clubbin etc.
third time
is now after she shot me down BIG TIME after finally coming to my new condo (mind you ... I left a marriage of 23 years for her)
told me that
1. she was still in love with her ex from 2 years ago who dumped her and has been NC with her.
2. that she could not visit me again because I want to be intimate and that is reserved for the right person

SO here I am alone without even my dog

 

[V2Logger]

Weezy, I called once the day after to just get voicemail. I then text her, she told me that she cannot talk, and for me to "try and understand". I commented to her not to forget what we had, and she said "she wouldn't forget any of it". I then found out two weeks afterwards, that there was someone else talking to her before she dumped me. Funny thing was she put on a good show the day of the dump. Balling and crying, she even fell down. I think it was brought on by guilt. She said that she needed her space, wants to be alone, and doesn't want to be with anyone. I called her one more time, but it was to let her know I knew about the other guy, at first she denied it (she was a good liar) but after I presented my stunning evidence, she coughed it up. She did that literally, just a bunch of nervous coughing and her trying to make sense of it all. After that day I had one more text/IM session on Aug.19. That is when I realized this girl is not worth my efforts. Eventhough I knew about old boy, in the text/IM session, I never brought it up once. She vented saying things like I only cared about my family (not true), didn't pay her enough attention. This girl got jealous for almost anything even when I had to take care of my parents when they were sick this year. It was something else. Overall I was neutral in that text session, but she was totally bitter and quickly answered with no real thought behind any of her answers just being negative. She also said we were not compatible, I said to myself, "it took you 5 yrs. to figure this out?". Seemed to be just justifying over her decision and at the same time being fully bitter about it. The ironic thing is I could have thrown the issue of the other guy on the grill, but you know what, it wasn't worth it, I just stayed neutral. I left off saying, "take care and hopefully we can talk in sept.", she said, "I'll have to think about it". I never did call her after that, nor do I want to. But time that rolls by makes you realize things.
It has been a hard road to day 60. The clarity will evolve as each day passes. Let it run it's full coarse. I am actually glad I have not called or had any contact. In my opinion, I needed this challenge. It all really happens because we pedestal them. You just have to let go, do your own thing and keep moving forward.

 

[Weezy]

Weezy, I called once the day after to just get voicemail. I then text her, she told me that she cannot talk, and for me to "try and understand". I commented to her not to forget what we had, and she said "she wouldn't forget any of it". I then found out two weeks afterwards, that there was someone else talking to her before she dumped me. Funny thing was she put on a good show the day of the dump. Balling and crying, she even fell down. I think it was brought on by guilt. She said that she needed her space, wants to be alone, and doesn't want to be with anyone. I called her one more time, but it was to let her know I knew about the other guy, at first she denied it (she was a good liar) but after I presented my stunning evidence, she coughed it up. She did that literally, just a bunch of nervous coughing and her trying to make sense of it all. After that day I had one more text/IM session on Aug.19. That is when I realized this girl is not worth my efforts. Eventhough I knew about old boy, in the text/IM session, I never brought it up once. She vented saying things like I only cared about my family (not true), didn't pay her enough attention. This girl got jealous for almost anything even when I had to take care of my parents when they were sick this year. It was something else. Overall I was neutral in that text session, but she was totally bitter and quickly answered with no real thought behind any of her answers just being negative. She also said we were not compatible, I said to myself, "it took you 5 yrs. to figure this out?". Seemed to be just justifying over her decision and at the same time being fully bitter about it. The ironic thing is I could have thrown the issue of the other guy on the grill, but you know what, it wasn't worth it, I just stayed neutral. I left off saying, "take care and hopefully we can talk in sept.", she said, "I'll have to think about it". I never did call her after that, nor do I want to. But time that rolls by makes you realize things.
It has been a hard road to day 60. The clarity will evolve as each day passes. Let it run it's full coarse. I am actually glad I have not called or had any contact. In my opinion, I needed this challenge. It all really happens because we pedestal them. You just have to let go, do your own thing and keep moving forward.

Very interesting story. Seems pretty similar to mine really. I admit that I didn't pay her enough attentions as it sounds like you didn't either.. But they always say stuff like that.

I would spend an entire weekend with her, 2-3 nights during the week, then she'd get mad when I went golfing with my buddies.

I've learned in the past that once they dump, you should just walk away and not call. You don't wanna know what they are up to, or why they did it.

My GF always had guy friends, drove me fn nuts. I'd be like, hey, you can't just meet a guy and be friends with him and have him calling and texting you all the time to hang out.. That ain't fn cool and you would flip a lid if I did that sh$t. They need attention though.

So if you had it to do over again, would you have made initial contact after the dump, or just walked?

So you have any problems sleeping?

 

[V2Logger]

I would have just walked. The only one call should have been to just let her know that I knew what was the real story, and that she didn't have the courage to come clean in the first place.Yes, I did have problems sleeping. I would wake up like I was out of a bad dream. But not anymore. I have just involved myself with trying to get a house now, it has taken up more of my time. I think you are now at that tipping point. In between doubts of calling, but trust me, I used to ask myself, "what could or would I say to make things better?", those words would shut down my thinking everytime. Especially if you think about if she tells you all the nice details of her life without you which could encompass anything. Things should get better. You'll just have to keep busy and of course just post here. This website and forum has helped a great deal and appreciate it.

 

[Weezy]

I would have just walked. The only one call should have been to just let her know that I knew what was the real story, and that she didn't have the courage to come clean in the first place.Yes, I did have problems sleeping. I would wake up like I was out of a bad dream. But not anymore. I have just involved myself with trying to get a house now, it has taken up more of my time. I think you are now at that tipping point. In between doubts of calling, but trust me, I used to ask myself, "what could or would I say to make things better?", those words would shut down my thinking everytime. Especially if you think about if she tells you all the nice details of her life without you which could encompass anything. Things should get better. You'll just have to keep busy and of course just post here. This website and forum has helped a great deal and appreciate it.

So you would have still called her out about the new dude huh? I had similar thoughts but I decided to just say F it. I know that if I did some digging, I would just find stuff that hurts. I feel like the best thing right now is to block everything out the relationship out and just keep on moving on with life.

Day 35 of NC. Still tough, still having trouble sleeping, however I can tell that I am getting better which helps me to push on.

Pretty much abandon on all hope of a phone call or email coming from her.

 

[V2Logger]

60 day mark is here. I would have still made the call, only to point out the real truth and I wasn't going out like that, behind a lie. But like my friend told me, "if you go digging for dirt, you're gonna find it". Which is like you said true and reality. Just lay low, it gets easier. It's like a habit you are trying to kick. You're doing good though, hang in there.

 

[Weezy]

60 day mark is here. I would have still made the call, only to point out the real truth and I wasn't going out like that, behind a lie. But like my friend told me, "if you go digging for dirt, you're gonna find it". Which is like you said true and reality. Just lay low, it gets easier. It's like a habit you are trying to kick. You're doing good though, hang in there.

Congratz on 60 Days.

Do you notice a large difference between the 30 day and the 60 day mark?

 

[Jean Valjean]

Congratz on 60 Days.

Do you notice a large difference between the 30 day and the 60 day mark?

Wheezy

why didn't you contact her like you wanted to


don't want to risk the Big Let Down? I had to do it despite lots of people here telling me to NEXT her. I'm comfortable that I did it - don't care about dignity and that kind of crap just had to know I was making the right decison and now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

 

[Weezy]

Wheezy

why didn't you contact her like you wanted to


don't want to risk the Big Let Down? I had to do it despite lots of people here telling me to NEXT her. I'm comfortable that I did it - don't care about dignity and that kind of crap just had to know I was making the right decison and now I know beyond the shadow of a doubt.

I decided against it for the following reasons:

1) I'm guessing she had another guy in the wings and I don't wanna know about it.
2) I'm pretty sure if I contacted her and talked of marriage it would just turn her off even more. I've never gotten a girl back that didn't give me a hint first.
3) Why mess with my getting over her? The more time that goes by, better I'm getting.
4) Pride. She dumped me.. If she wanted a commitment than she should have just said so without just breaking it off.
5) There were times when I thought she was crazy, she slapped me in a heated argument and I just can't allow myself to beg to a women who slapped me. She could slap my kids too.
6) I told her the breakup wasn't a bad thing. I said it for a reason, and now if I go back on it then I'm just showing that I'm a weak individual.
7) The breakup itself was just weird. She had been planning it for a while, she came over to my house the night before and slept with me even though she knew she would break up with me that next day. She made me dinner, had the NFL game on, had any drink I wanted (she even bought special beers that we had drank together the weekend before on vacation?) She said she couldn't waste anymore time in the relationship, she said I didn't make her first. She made sure she had all her ducks in a row first and then left me high and dry... Made it seem like she was either trying to be extra nice as I'm guessing she had some guilt.

 

[Jean Valjean]

I decided against it for the following reasons:

1) I'm guessing she had another guy in the wings and I don't wanna know about it.
2) I'm pretty sure if I contacted her and talked of marriage it would just turn her off even more. I've never gotten a girl back that didn't give me a hint first.
3) Why mess with my getting over her? The more time that goes by, better I'm getting.
4) Pride. She dumped me.. If she wanted a commitment than she should have just said so without just breaking it off.
5) There were times when I thought she was crazy, she slapped me in a heated argument and I just can't allow myself to beg to a women who slapped me. She could slap my kids too.
6) I told her the breakup wasn't a bad thing. I said it for a reason, and now if I go back on it then I'm just showing that I'm a weak individual.
7) The breakup itself was just weird. She had been planning it for a while, she came over to my house the night before and slept with me even though she knew she would break up with me that next day. She made me dinner, had the NFL game on, had any drink I wanted (she even bought special beers that we had drank together the weekend before on vacation?) She said she couldn't waste anymore time in the relationship, she said I didn't make her first. She made sure she had all her ducks in a row first and then left me high and dry... Made it seem like she was either trying to be extra nice as I'm guessing she had some guilt.

Number 7, almost guarantees that there is a guy in the wings. People don't break up in such a contrived nonchalant manner if they are upset. She wanted to clear the playing field for the new man.

Number 4, is bull**** pride goeth before the fall

Number 5 is a major red flag why get tied down to a crazy for the rest of your life - you don't slap adults ..most people I know don'tevn slap their kids who are minors let alone another adult

I'm lonely as hell but you can bet your ex is not.

 

[Weezy]

Number 7, almost guarantees that there is a guy in the wings. People don't break up in such a contrived nonchalant manner if they are upset. She wanted to clear the playing field for the new man.

Number 4, is bull**** pride goeth before the fall

Number 5 is a major red flag why get tied down to a crazy for the rest of your life - you don't slap adults ..most people I know don'tevn slap their kids who are minors let alone another adult

I'm lonely as hell but you can bet your ex is not.

I'm certain she is not alone. But I don't wanna know.

There was a night a couple of months ago where I called and she said she was celebrating with her friend cause he just finished med school finals. She told me to come but I had to work early and that she could come over when she's done..

She didn't get to my house until 2:30 AM...and said she had fallen asleep on her couch. I got mad at her, but the fact that she had invited me to join them made me not loose it. To her credit they had been friends since before I even knew her..

Not sure about pride going before the fall. I think pride goes when you beg em after they break it off.

 

[Igetit!]

I'm lonely as hell but you can bet your ex is not.

So what if Weezy's ex isn't lonely and has found someone else?

What's that to him?

If you're dating someone,then they break up with you,surprise,they don't want to be with you. It's not rocket science,

They know that once they break up with you,you could find someone else.

They know that. So if they're willing to take a chance on someone else scooping you up,then that means they no longer want to be with you.


I'm glad Weezy didn't try to contact his ex.


Not everyone has to have the person who dumped them re-hurt them over and over again,rip their heart out of their chest,throw it on the floor and stomp it a few times before the finally come to the conclusion of,"Hmm,maybe she really doesn't like me anymore".



I once had a girl dump me,and three months later,she called me up.


Yeah,it hurt when she broke up with me,but I REFUSE to grovel on the ground after a woman who told me she didn't want to be with me anymore.



When she broke up with me,I felt bad for a week or two,then I went on with my life. I had no intentions of ever contacting her again,




Then one day out of the blue,she called me and explained why she broke up with me. She had some SERIOUS unfinished emotional business going at the time her and I were together,and I mean SERIOUS.



I actually understood why she broke up with me. Anyway,we got back together and dated for a little over a year.



My point is this:Live your life. Don't worry about exes.



Besides,you calling them after they dumped you will only show them that you're still stuck in the past and give them an ego boost,not make them want you back


They'll think they're ALL THAT because they're still on your mind after all that time has passed.

 

[Jean Valjean]

So what if Weezy's ex isn't lonely and has found someone else?

What's that to him?

If you're dating someone,then they break up with you,surprise,they don't want to be with you. It's not rocket science,

They know that once they break up with you,you could find someone else.

They know that. So if they're willing to take a chance on someone else scooping you up,then that means they no longer want to be with you.


I'm glad Weezy didn't try to contact his ex.


Not everyone has to have the person who dumped them re-hurt them over and over again,rip their heart out of their chest,throw it on the floor and stomp it a few times before the finally come to the conclusion of,"Hmm,maybe she really doesn't like me anymore".



I once had a girl dump me,and three months later,she called me up.


Yeah,it hurt when she broke up with me,but I REFUSE to grovel on the ground after a woman who told me she didn't want to be with me anymore.



When she broke up with me,I felt bad for a week or two,then I went on with my life. I had no intentions of ever contacting her again,




Then one day out of the blue,she called me and explained why she broke up with me. She had some SERIOUS unfinished emotional business going at the time her and I were together,and I mean SERIOUS.



I actually understood why she broke up with me. Anyway,we got back together and dated for a little over a year.



My point is this:Live your life. Don't worry about exes.



Besides,you calling them after they dumped you will only show them that you're still stuck in the past and give them an ego boost,not make them want you back


They'll think they're ALL THAT because they're still on your mind after all that time has passed.

I don't disagree. Also believe that Weeze should just move on . People fall out of love especially when a new love interest suddenly appears and they are vulnerable to him or her because of some stagnancy in the current relationship. happens all the time especially when young and ''didn't put a ring on it" like the song says.

Once it happens, best to move on.

Wheezy was showing alot of flip floppin so I wanted him to know that one way to end it is go for the big fall. I did it and feel ok about it now .. though alot of hurtin took place!

 

[Weezy]

I don't disagree. Also believe that Weeze should just move on . People fall out of love especially when a new love interest suddenly appears and they are vulnerable to him or her because of some stagnancy in the current relationship. happens all the time especially when young and ''didn't put a ring on it" like the song says.

Once it happens, best to move on.

Wheezy was showing alot of flip floppin so I wanted him to know that one way to end it is go for the big fall. I did it and feel ok about it now .. though alot of hurtin took place!

There is alot of flip floppin going on in my head.. I think the fact that she wanted to marry me and hinted about it until 2.9 Months into the relationship and then broke it off 2.99 months into it makes me wonder how much of it was lost interest, and how much of it was she felt she could waste another 3 years and still not be married to me, but I think that is natural.

I know if I went after her, it would be worse.. Sometimes it's nice to just hear other people confirm that your not doing anything is the right move.
If it were to ever work out again, she would need to throw the first pitch.