My Support Thread... Help me get over x , TY

[##17]

Actually, something similar happened to me last summer.

--Late June 2006: Interest levels sky high.
--August 2006 (six weeks later): Having problems.
--Late September 2006: Broken up.
--Now: Not even on speaking terms.

She was always pushing for a commitment, got frustrated with my 'I don't know's, and broke it off. We were 'friends' for a while, but now she doesn't want to talk to me anymore because 'she's moved on with her life' . My understanding (though I'm not 100% positive) is that she is now in a serious relationship with someone else.

I'd say that being kicked completely out of her life hurt more than us breaking up. And it did hurt. Honestly? I felt everything from guilt ('maybe I could've been a better boyfriend, perhaps I should've told her I cared more than I did') to inadequacy ('wow, she doesn't even want to talk to me--I must really suck') to raging anger. But I knew that I had evolved as a person in how quickly I moved on. My worth isn't tied up in how another person responds to me. I know I'm a very good person regardless.

I guess my point is this. Enjoy your relationships with women. You should never base your happiness on them though, because you just never know. And maybe you shouldn't think of yourself as a failure as a person either, because your experience is pretty universal.

 

[##17]

Feelingloved, let me share this with you in the hopes that it will change your persective and make you feel luckier to be you.

I had about the same thing happen to me this summer. A girl, who had been talking constantly about marrying me, and making all of these future plans together, dumped me as soon as we started fighting. She went from 110% interest to 0% in a couple weeks. She changed her myspace profile to single without telling me. You've heard this story 101 times all over sosuave from many different guys, but here's what makes mine different: before she dumped me, the b!tch gave me an std. I have "molluscum contagiousum," which I had never heard of before this experience. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molluscum_contagiosum

She's in denial about having it, and is convinced that I must have gotten it by cheating, even though I never cheated on her. But she's out of the picture, so that's her problem.

My problem is that it can take a long time for molluscum to go away. Webmd says median recovery is 6-9 months. I found my first sore in May, so I'm estimating I'll be celibate to at least Christmas, probably next spring. I was pretty bummed about the molluscum, until I had an allergic reaction to the medication for it (Aldara) and broke out in hives for the past week, itching like a madman. Now that the hives are gone, I am happy to just have molluscum. Hives are worse.

My point in sharing this is that by just having your health alone you don't know how good you have it. Other women are the cure for what ails you, and since you are healthy, you can take advantage of that cure. I can't do the same, but from my perspective, I can appreciate how lucky you are, even if you can't see that yourself.

Well that sucks! I'm really sorry for you, man.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah, no worries. I just bought a motorcycle and plan to spend a lot of time on that, then I have the bar exam to study for all winter. I'll be fine.

People who are feeling sorry for themselves usually have a lot to be thankful for that they just can't see; I'm no different. I thought I was in rough shape, then I got a lot worse, and it changed my perspective. Now I am in the same shape as before, but I'm happy about it, all due to perspective. Again, my point with all of this is to urge you guys to be grateful for your good health, it is a great blessing, even when you are feeling down about other things.

 

[feelingloved]

Bible Belt. A lot of essential oils are anti-viral. I do have a MLM membership with young-living essential oils; for almost a decade. "Cats Claw" is also an interesting herb, if found in good quality. There are several dietary oils like coconut, which have anti-viral properties.

 

[feelingloved]

I had an epiphany today

"It doesn't matter". I was reading some David D stuff, and he was speaking of how he came to the point of realizing "It doesn't matter". I can see that now... for the moment.

xGFs younger brother tried to MSN me at work today; I ignored.
Some girl from online dating called my answering machine; a first.
Guys at work yesterday asked me if I was on steroids; I must be making progress fast. They said they've been looking and said I seem to be getting bigger every day. I have not seen my x in about a month, so I bet it will be noticable.
Any ways. It doesnt matter.

 

[joekerr31]

You've heard this story 101 times all over sosuave from many different guys, but here's what makes mine different: before she dumped me, the b!tch gave me an std. I have "molluscum contagiousum," which I had never heard of before this experience.

damn that f*cking sucks. so many guys on here are so focused on laying as many women as they can - they need to pay attention to your story. all it takes is one WRONG woman and you can find yourself with an std.

personally, i think if someone gives you an std you should be able to sue them.

if i punched you in the eye you could sue the crap out of me for pain and suffering and i'd get thrown in jail for a day or two. but some chic can mess up your d*ck and love life and that's not against the law. thats bullsh*t.

 

[KontrollerX]

Great post feelingloved.

I always love it when someone truly begins to get freed or take action and free themselves from the troubles they've had.

Reminds me of Gandalf freeing Theoden from Saruman's grasp in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and saying...

"Breathe the free air again my friend."

Such a great quote and yes I know I love movies far too much lol.

 

[feelingloved]

update.
I went and met a girl at her work. We were going to go to a auto race event but it began to rain.

My x was going to pick up her stuff, today.
I let my calls go to the answering machine.
One call with a hang up this morning. One call from her saying she is coming. Another call with hangup.

I called her back, and she was almost in the city.
I suggested I meet her on the road, since I was headed in the other direction. We agreed. Then she called back and said she was running late for a hair appointment, and couldn't do it. Could be that she was with her BF and didn't want us face to face.
She wanted to pick the stuff up later. I said she has a key, just come in exchange the stuff, and leave the key, while I was gone.
She didn't want to do that. (no reason given for any of this)
She wants to do it next Wednesday, and asked if I would be available. I said, not sure, maybe.
Then she almost pleaded a question, or so it seemed to me.. "but sometime?". (I might be reading into her tone correctly or not)
I hung up first, without a "good bye".

No mention of the balloon ride. It is raining though.

 

[feelingloved]

I was thinking about whether it was more difficult for men to move on than women. I decided men have a harder time, mostly always. Then I wondered if there is an evolutionary reason for this.
This is what I considered.
The goal of biology, feelings, etc, is the survival of genes.
If a man and woman have a relationship, and the relationship encounters difficulty which involve seperation of the two, why would evolutionary-drive cause men to hang on and women to move on?

Assume the woman is pregnant or has kids with you.
If you are not the alpha male, it serves her best to quickly develop feelings, attachment, and compassion for the new alpha who will provide for the children. It serves her to sever all compassion, feelings, and attachement to you. Imagine a limited supply of food. If you died, there would be more food for her children.
Not only are you of no use as a beta-male, you are a threat to her children's food supply. Your only use is as a friend/protector. If she is not able to maintain your attention, closeness, and friendship, its possible you could join an opposing tribe, and become a threat to her children.

Now whats going on in you. You don't know if the girl you were with is pregnant. It may take 9 months to find that out. It may take much longer than that to observe if it is your child/genes. So evolution demands that you maintain close proximity, attachment, feelings, compassion for this girl, to protect your potential genes. It serves you to remain a friend, to nurture her through the potential pregnancy, even though she may be with someone else.
So men remain attached for months, and women just cut it off. The sick part of it is that you could develop friendly feelings towards the alpha-man who is now nurturing your potential seed.

So knowing the evolutionary drive behind this, how can you manipulate perception to your advantage...

 

[feelingloved]

how you manipulate perception to your advantage...

The only way she would bring closeness, affection, compassion, and sex back to you, is if
you were leaning towards joining another tribe,
you were part of a larger tribe,
you had more resources & social proof of an excess-environment suitable for raising children,
you demonstrated more alpha male qualities,
you were not acting as a friend,
you were engaged with other females who may monopolize your attention/protection/compassion away from her children.

Can you think of others?

 

[Ever onward]

Hey bro,

I'm not big on evolutionary theories explaining dating concepts.

But I will say this. Women do whatever feels good to them emotionally. They have no logic or sense of loyalty like guys do. That's why they cheat. That's why they look for bigger better deals.

Why is it harder for us guys to move on? Because we do have loyalty. We do believe them when they say they love us.

 

[feelingloved]

I read this thread "Good Girls DO CHEAT"

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=33176

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=83349

Its mind bending. I consider it an essential lesson in life.
I'm kinda sad about it. But I guess seeing reality is better than not. Thats why I am here.

I almost don't want a relationship now, (today). That will probably change over time. I watched the Swingers movie. So ya, when the right girl comes along, my feelings will change, and I will spring into action.

I think my x is tore up. Based on nothing, other than intuition or wishful thinking, I have that impression. I know its typical chump thinking to believe that the girl who wants a break is confused, and giving her space is helping her out. I know.

When girls end a relationship they justify to themselves whatever they do in the process. She has tried to convey that she did not cheat, and she broke up with me first. I imagine, there are a lot of feelings in the transition from one guy to the next; taboo excitement, secret love, defiance, unabashed intimacy, outright infatuation.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how naturally/innocently she thinks of it, the things she was doing would be considered dating. .. another guy while she was my girlfriend.
The night I found them in bed together, she had told me she was going to an all-girls-BBQ, and could not call when she got home because it was going to be late. Maybe part of this was true, maybe they were just friends, however there was enough lying and deceit to be considered cheating.
If she was NOT cheating on me she would have said, she's seeing/dating someone else, so she won't call tonight.
I could give more examples.

The point is she has told me after this that she is "honest". She is deluding herself.
Now again, my imagination or wishful thinking is believing that her infatuation stage is wearing off, and she is realizing what she has captured in the new guy and done to me / us. And as I continue to be uncommunicative and avoid friendship with her, the baren truth will be catching up to her.

 

[Ever onward]

Hey buddy,

I dug up some old posts that are relevant to why women cheat, ect. These posts are a bit harsh but it's a good wake up call. I think we both need to toughen up.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=114322

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=83349&highlight=truth+women

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=20965

And here is a post for getting over break ups

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=34509

 

[Ever onward]

Hey bro,

I've decided to take some time away from this meeting girls business. So I'm not going to be getting on sites such as this one for awhile.

Good luck to you man. You're doin' good.

 

[feelingloved]

Thank You, Master Don Juan. I am taking notes. I will be here when you get back... with a new story for you to hear. Carry a greatful heart; may fortune meet your path.

 

[Ever onward]

Oh hey man,

I just realized one of the threads I dug up is the same one you did!

The other day when I saw you posted links, I clicked on the first one and read it and forgot you had a second one. Whoops!

Anyway, I'll definitely check in a few times a week. I'm just tired of thinking about "how to meet women" all the time!

 

[feelingloved]

Well Wednesday came and went without any contact from/with her. She still has my apartment key & building access card which would be $50 plus to replace.

I'm not at a point where I can imagine her and I being happy together. I do not see a path to that.
But by improving myself, and building a successful life, and incidentally her finding out, I can see some good feelings in that. I suspect she will be LESS happy with whoever she is with, knowing what she lost... if only she stuck around & supported me in my journey. And I got to admit that knowing she is treating her guy less well, in comparing to him to the amazing me she could have had... is a shallow goal that moves me forward to reach that status.
Due to how their relationship started behind my back, I feel confident in stating that : he does not deserve to be treated well by her. God willing, I will attain something to be jellous of, and right that wrong.

 

[hithard]

Well Wednesday came and went without any contact from/with her. She still has my apartment key & building access card which would be $50 plus to replace.

I'm not at a point where I can imagine her and I being happy together. I do not see a path to that.
But by improving myself, and building a successful life, and incidentally her finding out, I can see some good feelings in that. I suspect she will be LESS happy with whoever she is with, knowing what she lost... if only she stuck around & supported me in my journey. And I got to admit that knowing she is treating her guy less well, in comparing to him to the amazing me she could have had... is a shallow goal that moves me forward to reach that status.
Due to how their relationship started behind my back, I feel confident in stating that : he does not deserve to be treated well by her. God willing, I will attain something to be jellous of, and right that wrong.

You need to separate your life and what you want to achieve ,from what she thinks or feels. Do not waste time living your life just to make her jealous.Do it because its something you want to do.

 

[feelingloved]

If I was healthy minded right now

I would not be asking for help. I know my thinking is shallow & base.
There is an expression in football; fall forward (for that extra yard).
You are right to point out the kind of healthy thinking I should have. At this point I am 'falling' short of that goal.
But I am trying to pick 'ambitions' which though may fail in the long term, are getting me to fall in a forward direction of my life. In this case it is a view which I am holding on to to help me get through each day, for survival & self improvement-sake.
I acknowledge your rightness. Understand my crutches.

 

[MatureDJ]

Interesting evolutionary perspective

I was thinking about whether it was more difficult for men to move on than women. I decided men have a harder time, mostly always. Then I wondered if there is an evolutionary reason for this.
This is what I considered.
The goal of biology, feelings, etc, is the survival of genes.
If a man and woman have a relationship, and the relationship encounters difficulty which involve seperation of the two, why would evolutionary-drive cause men to hang on and women to move on?

Assume the woman is pregnant or has kids with you.
If you are not the alpha male, it serves her best to quickly develop feelings, attachment, and compassion for the new alpha who will provide for the children.

I think you have this backwards. The alpha male is the one who would be siring the offspring, while the beta male would be the provisioner. A woman's evolutionary impulse is to get knocked up the alpha male (defined as someone who would have the best chance at being able to knock up a woman, and having a man - any man - care for the child.)

As for a woman's feelings, it is in her interest to not waste time on a man that she would not feel worthy of knocking her up. So once a woman has determined that you are not the one, she would want to not have any contact with you, so as to decrease the chance that she might accidently get knocked up by you.

As for a man, I think it is more a question of getting the steady supply of the good stuff, and taking longer to make the determination that 2 decades with the same woman could be problematic.

Now whats going on in you. You don't know if the girl you were with is pregnant. It may take 9 months to find that out. It may take much longer than that to observe if it is your child/genes. So evolution demands that you maintain close proximity, attachment, feelings, compassion for this girl, to protect your potential genes. It serves you to remain a friend, to nurture her through the potential pregnancy, even though she may be with someone else. So men remain attached for months, and women just cut it off. The sick part of it is that you could develop friendly feelings towards the alpha-man who is now nurturing your potential seed.

So knowing the evolutionary drive behind this, how can you manipulate perception to your advantage...

It's like the old line, "mother's baby, father's maybe".

Certainly, there is a provisioning instinct in men. Whether it is for a man's own offspring, or that of a fellow tribe member, it serves to better the tribe.

However, I think it also has to do with the martial aspect of masculinity. Warfare requires a high level of comradery. The army whose soldiers do not work together is the army that loses (and who get impaled, children slaughtered, women raped, etc.) This is an essential reason why men are so drawn to team sports, especially the sport of American football, which requires that everyone do their part selflessly for the common good of the team (you can see that I a jigged up about the upcoming season.)

OTOH, women win by dividing and conquering their men. It is in their best interest to have no other women around that could tempt their men. This is why women complain about being a "sunday afternoon widow".