My Support Thread... Help me get over x , TY

[Bible_Belt]

I'm not saying you become a supplicating AFC, but how can you truly be happy if you can't share your thoughts and insecurities with someone you love?

But what if your thoughts are AFC? Being afc destroys a ltr. It does not seem wise to rationalize any amount of destructive behavior.

Your question also uses the word "love" but we all disagree about what that means. str8up has a thread here in mm, the title of which is great, "no one loves you but your momma." Some of us believe that women are basically full of sh!t when they say 'I love you.' No matter how much they say it, you should never believe it. Once you start thinking that way, like your future together is a sure thing, then she will start to get bored.

feelingloved, the OP, said something brilliant to me in a PM. He said that he thought love could exist, but it is something that could only be held by one side of the relationship at a time and not both.

Maybe he and I are just becoming jaded. You are in your early/mid 20's right? Give it a few more years, after a couple sweet young things have fallen 'in love' with you and then later lost interest like a child dropping a new toy. I certainly don't wish that on you, but it seems to happen to most of us. It is the older guys here, 30+, who mostly think that love is an illusion. We are a product of our experiences.

 

[PTC]

Maybe he and I are just becoming jaded. You are in your early/mid 20's right? Give it a few more years, after a couple sweet young things have fallen 'in love' with you and then later lost interest like a child dropping a new toy. I certainly don't wish that on you, but it seems to happen to most of us. It is the older guys here, 30+, who mostly think that love is an illusion. We are a product of our experiences.

AMEN!!!

 

[guru1000]

It comes down to one thing. The Bible is basically made for the guy who has a normal boring life. Because his life is of interest to anyone including himself, he can never be at ease in a LTR. It WILL fizzle out. There is nothing interesting about him so naturally the girl leaves if he doesn't play by the RULES.

Now you have the other guy who breaks all the rules and yet the LTR is no problem. Why? Because he has a genuine confidence. His life is interesting! He has no shame in life. He does what he wants and when he wants. He simply doesnt care. It's not in his mentality to AFC. He can call the girl 20 times a day and disclose 100% about himself because he is that interesting. His life is a movie. He can say "I love you" 100 times a day, but the truth of the matter is he loves noone but himself because he doesn't give a f*ck.

The Bible rules are made for the AFC mentality. Not AFC with women, but AFC life. A true Don Juan simply does not give a f*ck about anything. There is no shame in the game. It's never about women. It's about a no shame, driven mentality.

Which brings me to my conclusion. YES, you can have a LTR and be yourself and have it last, as long as you are not of AFC mentality in life. If you have balls, no shame and do whatever you want , when you want ; then you can be yourself in a LTR.

BTW i had a conflict turning 30 and keeping this mentality. I thought it might be immature. Sure enough when I tried different , I got dumped! LOL!
This is not age related. I can name dozens of high profile successful men in their 60's as well as 70's that share this mentality. This is not immaturity, it's wisdom.

 

[jophil28]

I

Pook said to pursue multiple women and as soon as you only go after one, then you will become AFC.

Pook has his head up his a$$ on this issue.
Guys, take Pook with a grain of salt. Take out of his "advice" what you need, and leave the rest.
HE suffers from " all or nothing " thinking . Life is not like that.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Pook said to pursue multiple women and as soon as you only go after one, then you will become AFC

Isn't this essentially plate-spinning theory?

I don't know that loyalty and commitment is really possible for a guy to give, and still have the power in the relationship at the same time. As soon as she knows you won't leave, it's all over.

 

[feelingloved]

Do you think a strategy like this would likely work?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

From what I've read on Sosuave, this kind of strategy would be considered one-itis and AFC. In this guy's case, he attributes it to being the primary prerequisite in the reunion with his wife; the secondary factor being working on himself.

Do you think a strategy like this would likely work?... for the typical break-up scenario.

Was it just luck? Or is there some other force at work??

What I am guessing at, is that there might be a synergistic (and successful) middle ground between ganji & participating-in-a-LJBF. I think Ganji can be a bit too insensitive, while LJBF probably seems to be a complete loss of power. I think the common factor is that they both aim to conserve & display pride and strength.

He obviously went through a lot of pain in his strategy.
We don't know the quality and stability of the relationship he has "won back". With Ganji, the strategy tends to give the reigns of control to the player, in the rekindled relationship.

As for me, I'm continuing to work out. Waxed the TA this weekend.

I did call the x on the 9th in the pm. As soon as I did she talked my ear off for over an hour. She carried the conversation. We laughed and talked a lot about interesting health issues; a mutual interest. No relationship topics came up. I'd been ignoring her for a long time. This is the first effort I made in several months. I felt a lot better these days after. Its given me enough peace of mind to carry on.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It hurts to read this. I am going to underline the extra special parts:


I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.

I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

 

[Bible_Belt]

btw, that guy is only a "success story" because she hasn't left him again, yet, which is only a matter of time. He's got to be completely whipped, too. I bet if you could see the details of his relationship, then you wouldn't want it. And his wife is just waiting to be taken again by another dj of a guy. Notice the bf she left was a jealous afc.

I'm sure you remember that you and I got dumped at about the same time. We've each got our own sob stories. You probably remember my self-pity thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126708

Well, I finally went out and got laid:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1251118#post1251118

And I feel about a hundred times more over my ex. Having sex with someone else takes away all the resentment that you have because she has been with someone else and you have not. And the funny thing is that I saw the ex on the date I went on. But instead of talking to her, I just ignored her. The woman I had been obsessing about for the past six months was just to my left in front of me as I sat with my date, and I did not so much as look her way for the two hours that we were there. That was not easy, btw, but it paid off.

I know you think you feel good that you talked to her, but trust me, man, it is a trap! She wants to keep you on the shelf so that if it does not work out with Mr. New Guy, then you'll be there with the door open, just in case she wants to come back and boss you around for a while. And even if she came back right now, she would have all the power in the relationship. It would not be just like old times. She would get bored of you and just wait for a new guy to appear to leave you with again. You want it to be like it used to be between you and her, but that can never happen. You can never go back. Starting over with someone else is the only way to get back what you think you're going to gain by getting your ex back. The comedian Chris Rock says, "New pvssy always clears the head." I know it did for me, and I bet you would be happy if you got some for yourself instead of trying to be your ex's safety blanket.

 

[feelingloved]

We have talked a few times (say 4) over the past weeks. It did "feel" good. Big sigh. But i was not enough to sustain me. Its kinda like getting a very small compensation check as a payout for injury. With the ganji I was hoping for more, but perhaps contact is still premature. So I am going dark again, involuntarily due to emotion & lack of any other plan;

Today I was angry, despite my sig. At her, them.
I've not had a date yet. I updated my dating profile, with a bit of a rant. Not text-book DJ style.

The thought that helped was the realization that she looses "being with me". This is where confidence, self worth, inner game, working on outer game, ...all that work comes to the rescue. Despite what is seemingly taken from me, IT is her loss. She has suffered the tragedy not me.

There was a time here, when I could not stand to be in my own skin. I am past that now. Not sure if its any kind of success. I think there was a study that shows that people are equally happy # months after winning the lottery, vs becoming paralyzed. So
perhaps its just passage of time, and not any particular strategy.

I got to say though, it is important not to burn out. Get enough sleep, without exception; maybe the best thing you can do in getting over, getting through, and leaving the door open for possible good outcome with x.

Things are looking up. She got fatter and is smoking now (in one photo). Meanwhile my body is (acknowledgment to god) beautifying. My skin has healed, in part to massive dosages of lysine (~9 grams daily)... its good for a lot of stuff (general antiviral, connective tissue, heart disease, HGH release /w arginine pyroglutamate).
My muscles are continuing along great. My photos reviews are getting 8.35/10 now vs ~6.95/10 a few months back.
I guess she still has the balloon rides tickets, and is trying to sell them.

 

[feelingloved]

I closed down my dating profiles. I was getting messages from hb8-9s (in my book)... but nothing further. I needed to stop "trying".

Next month I will have a bit more money for dating.
So I have a level of relative peace of mind.... primarily due to the passage of time, and investment of that time in reading & working out.

I've talked a bit with her. Her IL is somewhat higher. She has dropped words like "lonely", "depressed" etc. She has also conveyed interests much in common with me...

so much to a degree that its sounds almost as if she is "TRYING TO BECOME ME"? Perhaps its some kind of guilt thing?

Her facebook still says she is in a relationship with guy2. And I've never asked about it. She never mentions him and I never ask. We just talked about common interests and laugh. The calls have been 5-50 minutes, and are about once every 10 days. She has asked questions like what movies I've seen... and my saying "none" has involuntarily informed her that "I'm not dating". So she hasn't asked outright, but I guess she is a bit curious.

Now for anyone who is considering taking an ex back, read this revealing cuckold thread, and it will give you pause for thought http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=116188

Its perception changing, for sure.

Emotionally I am at a point of not caring. It was like the anger stage.. which lasted 2 days or so... was a hurdle. I think she could tell me anything at this point and it wouldn't phase me.

In my horrible wound analogy, there was the point where it was frightful to look at the wound, and accept the reality of the impact. Recently I've transcended past the pain, and past the morbid poking at the wound. I'm at the phase where the novelty of looking at the flaps of dead skin, even is behind me. I am recovering.

One of the things I found revealing were the videos at mehow.tv. I can see in that, obvious things that I could have done differently. I will add more childish & playful funny attitude to my dealings with women, & LTR.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Wow, you are even worse than me. Maybe you are still talking to her and hung up on her because subconsciously, you don't want to be happy? Do you think you might have other issues that are leading you to make bad choices like continuing to talk to her?

Have you had sex with another girl yet? That really helps. I still find myself checking my ex's facebook and myspace, but after a couple new girls, it hurts a lot less.

 

[feelingloved]

Ya well anything is possible. It did make me happy to talk with her. It did make me happy when she called.
No I've not slept with anyone yet. I guess I kinda feel like I need a new car and a new bed, dig myself out of debt, continue working on my body... etc. Inner game stuff I guess. I took a hard hit.

 

[Bible_Belt]

A crack rock will make a crackhead happy, but that does not make crack rocks a good idea. You are sacrificing a short-term, quick fix for your longer-term emotional health. I know this behavior, because I do it, too, although not quite as badly as you. I emailed my ex to see if she saw me on the date, and her reply was that she was glad she didn't b/c it would upset her too much and she might throw up, but she wished me well. I had only emailed her b/c her facebook profile dropped the 'in a relationship' and she was 'single' for about a day. For a few days after the email, she switched her myspace back to public, and then back to private after I never responded to her email. She had some bf drama, but still has the bf. I bet he doesn't make her puke, though.

Getting some good sex with the date girl, plus a new HB9 gf, has done a world of good for me. But I still check the ex's stupid myspace page every day, sometimes as night as the new gf sleeps next to me. My point in sharing this is that I don't think you ever really get over it, or can just wait around for the feeling of being beyond all of it to arrive - I don't think that day just magically appears. Instead of expecting pain to go away and you to arrive at a destination of date-worthy, you will do much better to push forward anyway. The more progress you make, the easier it is to deal with past relationship pain. It never goes away, but you learn to live with it, and the more living you do, the better it gets. So go live a little. There are plenty of girls out there who would love to be with you right now.

 

[Ever onward]

Ya well anything is possible. It did make me happy to talk with her. It did make me happy when she called.
No I've not slept with anyone yet. I guess I kinda feel like I need a new car and a new bed, dig myself out of debt, continue working on my body... etc. Inner game stuff I guess. I took a hard hit.

Man I broke up with my ex the same time as you....but I did have a relapse in September but since then I've had NO contact with my ex and I'm thankful that I'm finally over her.

Listen, you might feel good in the moment when you've talked to her because it's just feeding your hope that she wants you back. Sorry to be tough on you man but she doesn't want you.

She already put you in a file box under "dumped" and that is where you'll always be for her. Maybe she is having problems with her boyfriend, maybe not. Doesn't matter.

She's just using you to boost her ego up again. Every time you take her call this is what she's saying to herself "He still wants me! I'm so hot and so special that I can fukk another man and feelingloved still wants me MONTHS later".

You're just an emotional tampon to her. And when she's done with you again, she'll just toss you back in that file cabinet where she keeps you.

Then how will you feel? Is that instant gratification you're getting from the phone calls worth the sacrifice of your self-respect and emotional well being?

 

[KontrollerX]

You should probably stop the phone calls entirely feelingloved.

I know its hard but chicks often do this to try and turn their ex into their girlfriend and its a place no guy wants to be.

If she really wanted to get back together with you it would be unmistakeable as she would've asked you out somewhere making it seem like an innocent get together and then she'd probably slip you a kiss at some point.

But the reality of what is happening is she is just trying to get some ego gratification and friendship support from someone she knows has no interest in being her friend but something more but if she gives the false hope by seeming interested with the long phone calls she can deceptively hook you in and you'll talk to her because you're addicted and she'll have her friend while you'll have nothing that you really want from her.

Its not true friendship or interest from her.

Its her using you to get her emotional needs met while giving you nothing that you really want.

 

[feelingloved]

Thanks guys. You are my sanity, and wise brothers.

My expectations are wrong, and I've been wondering why my Ganji has not produced results.

PlasticSurgeon provided an insightful success story of his.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134576

Its the missing ingredient to my Ganji notes. More than acting and behaving like you have moved on... you need to "as he put it" convince yourself that you don't even like her. Not doing this has been the downfall in my story.

I believe in the power of thought & visualization. And its a fascinating new dynamic utilization, I had not considered. I've followed the mantra of "think positive". But I see now how "negative thinking" can produce positive results. Its cause / effect. Its a pendulum effect. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Its a beautiful and liberating realization. Being negative is not necessarily bad.

On a spiritual level, I was thinking earlier this morning how God (however you believe) is the best at everything. He is the best architect, best artist, best martial-artist, best whatever. If you let Him/It act through you & trust, you can achieve beyond your own limitations. You may be skeptical, but really think about it. Do you control your creativity, emotions, body motions/processes, dreams? In large part "no". They are largely controlled for you.

So anyways, I was thinking this morning that Ganji tactics had been largely unsuccessful for me. And I said, you know what... God is best at everything. I thought, God is probably the original inventor of the Ganji tactic. Speaking of ancient writings, the angels who rebelled were cast out of heaven. Adam & Eve were ejected from the Garden of Eden. Jesus was "forsaken" in his time of need. And how many desperate earth-bound pleas today go unanswered by a silent God?

If there is a kindly intelligent God, as so many elders ask us to believe, he is obviously playing Ganji games with us. We are taught that we are bound to school-house-earth because of our imperfect and rebellious ways. Is Ganji, a method so simple, spritually employed by God Itself to bring us back to It, on Its terms?

I don't know.

I did reach a point where I realized Ganji did not work for me, after all my efforts. I turned it over, in my spirit, to God, recognizing him as the authority on all.
In doing so, I feel there resulted for me a serendipitous post, by plasticsurgeon, which has shown me a new way to use my mind.

The negative mind set explains to me, in yet another dimension, "WHY nice guys get dumped on, and why bad boys get the girls." As a nice guy I could never conceive or comprehend how it would benefit me to tell a girl to fvck off. (and other such behavior, negatively imagined and/or externally projected)

I've safeguarded my thoughts and tongue so long, in such an AFC way; always confined them to be postitive. Now I understand the weakness & unattractiveness, of that position. Now I understand the reason for its lack of success. It hits my current understanding like an asteroid impact. Its hard to convey through words, MY realization.

I have a new understanding of the power of negative thoughts, IN A way that fits my model of how thoughts carry power. I understand it in a way that makes sense to ME. And I finally feel "on the right path"doing it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I believe in the power of thought & visualization.

I believe in the power of new pvssy. Fvcking another girl or two will accomplish what you are trying to do.

 

[feelingloved]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2otsECAwJG8
Here is a good vid. Basically says, in dialog with women ask them "how did that make you feel".

This is definitely something I have not taken into consideration in my LTRs.
I think how things make us feel is less important to men. We tend to put more emphasis on how something affects our "ego", and less on what emotion flows through us.
Women are all about "what emotion & feeling is flowing through them at any point in now" it seems.

An update. I figure she is no longer that BF. She is contacting me about every 3-7 days for the past 3 weeks. She's dropping lots of hints, including mentioning/giving her new phone number twice, which I haven't called. I got to retain some value if she is a returning fox., after all, perception says "nothing of high value comes easy".

 

[bsthatcher]

feelingloved,

Shut the fvck up. You're such a frigging pvssy. This thread needs to be closed.

 

[feelingloved]

bsthatcher

Thank you for the feedback bsthatcher.
If you want to pick a fight, take up boxing. :flowers:

The measure of a healthy mind is the degree to which you can tolerate someone who's way of thinking differs from yours. If you only get along (meaning empathize) with people who are similar to yourself, it is a sign that you have mental instability issues you need to work on.

It is human nature to try to make others similar to ourselves. We get frustrated when they are not. That is the reason for racial tension, religious conflict etc.

The healthy person "spiritually recognizes" their own intolerance, and their own "unhealthy need" to attack others who "do things differently".

I take your point. This forum is mostly about using women, not getting used by them. So I understand your frustration.

I don't see it as an us vs them issue.

I see women as children, who are irresponsible and make mistakes. And yes there are consequences, but we don't throw our children to the wolves. We do not abandon them for their disrespect and disregard. I was not a man. I did not know how to handle the small tests.

What is the difference in how you would have me treat my 20 year old x girlfriend and how you would treat your 20 year old daughter if she was guilty of the same acts?

The difference is Ego. When you are a parent you make decisions in the interest of the growth of your child. When you are a boyfriend, from your point of view, you make decisions based on your ego.

We do not need women. We have friends. We have money.
A pocket-pssy, blow up doll, "internet pron"
can apparently provide the same sexual release as the real thing. ... with the exception of fulfilling our ego.

The guys here are driven to fulfill their "EGO".
They say, lay 10 girls and tell your ex to FCK off, and your ego will be repaired.

Well what if you were strong enough to repair your own ego,
without laying 10 girls and insulting your ex?

What if you had inner strength, rather than outer exploits to return yourself to a point of self-worth?

I have chosen a different path than you. I have not risked STDs. I have not perused shallow / easy lays. I have not stolen other guys girlfriends.

The time you've wasted sleeping with easy women, I've used to work out, to learn investing, and to read books & websites on long term relationships.
I can still go out and lay 10 girls, and I still have an option open with all of my ex's.

Getting through life is hard enough, without b*tchslapping your brothers, or thinking about revenge and dishing out justice.

Time will exert her terrible toll on all of us. There will come a day, when you will pause for thought to regret that you did not lend yourself to deeper analysis of the stepping stones you have chosen for your path.

I am not saying that your testosterone filled path is invalid. But if you can not articulate its wisdom better than by one line insults,
you may not want to depend upon it as your guide light in life.

I will not say the path I have chosen is even best for me. Its the way it worked out. If you have something to say, say it.

I am open to ideas of wisdom.

For those who care to listen,
here is a long video talk by John Grey on healing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0ZlSRJ6fPo