My Support Thread... Help me get over x , TY

[blueguy]

Psychologically speaking, our minds are always at work. If they don't have a project to focus on or a problem to solve, they end up turning against themselves. (Could that be one reason why women always seem to be making issues in relationships that were seemingly going great?)

The brain's requirement of "problems to solve" is essential like you said.

I think there is another twist to it though.

Whenever we receive any kind of validation, our brain rewards us. Much like the reward for sex. Rewarded in a different way, but rewarded nonetheless. Biologically. I think there's a biological drive for attention and caring. Why? Organisms depend each other for survival - providing for each other. It is ESSENTIAL for survival.

Women seek attention because they are biologically wired to as a basic part of survival and reproduction.

There are other things that support this theory - such as flowers blossoming better when they are cared for everyday, etc.

 

[##17]

The brain's requirement of "problems to solve" is essential like you said.

I think there is another twist to it though.

Whenever we receive any kind of validation, our brain rewards us. Much like the reward for sex. Rewarded in a different way, but rewarded nonetheless. Biologically. I think there's a biological drive for attention and caring. Why? Organisms depend each other for survival - providing for each other. It is ESSENTIAL for survival.

Women seek attention because they are biologically wired to as a basic part of survival and reproduction.

There are other things that support this theory - such as flowers blossoming better when they are cared for everyday, etc.

Sure. As men though, we're a lot more like lions and tigers than we are like flowers. The strong get a whole pride, the weak live alone. (In contrast, lionesses, who live in these prides, will always have their sisters, cousins, and daughters around, even when they get older and weaker...)

 

[blueguy]

Oh, I agree with you. That actually wasn't directed to the OP (who is a man) as advise. That was just a side note on why I believe women seek attention above most anything.

 

[feelingloved]

Read all your posts. Here is a quick update.

Last Friday I went to a bar at 8:30. I had a booth all to myself and later a group of 8 women joined me in the booth, because it was close to the dance floor and stairs.
Did I ever look like a DJ. Complete coincidence. Went to a small house party with some of them after. Nothing beyond that. The hot ones were married. Figures. But they were fighting over my attention.
So was a good time.

I bought a bunch of stuff... waiting on it from Amazon:

"The 48 Laws of Power"
Robert Greene; Paperback

"The Art of Seduction"
Robert Greene; Paperback

"How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace: The Smart Guide to Flirting"
Susan Rabin; Paperback

"How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You"
Leil Lowndes; Paperback;

"Swingers (Miramax Collector's Series)"
"High Noon (Collector's Edition)"
"Gladiator (Widescreen Edition)"
"Don Juan DeMarco"
"Fall in Love, Stay in Love"
Willard F. Harley Jr.; Hardcover

 

[KontrollerX]

You're a good man feelingloved.

Never doubt that or the fact that you deserve to be happy in life with a good woman.

Been wanting to reply to this topic for a while as you seem like a good guy who could use some encouragment.

Glad the other DJ's have given you lots of help thus far and you seem to be recovering one day at a time and well at that.

Its definitely hard to come to terms with a chick not being who you thought she was or even changing into a completely different person on you but hey thats life and it sometimes sucks but the good thing is it can eventually turn around for the better as well.

I've always loved the Star Wars quote or Buddhist quote I forget which but it goes something like...

"Always in motion, the future is."

So true and so many great new possibilities and opportunities lie in that future if one only looks.

 

[blueguy]

Feelingloved, those books will definitely change your thinking. That's a lot of reading though. It's normal to place this much trust in someone and eventually be heartbroken. We all want to find somebody we can trust. 48 Laws of Power will likely make you get over her quickly though as you finally see through her act of getting what she wanted out of you.

 

[feelingloved]

My x's name is C. My x before that is T.
Well T was also a LD relationship. She decided she is moving back to my city, and we met up at the end of last week.
I told her my story, and the next day she looked up C on facebook, and told her how sad she was that C treated me so poorly.

Well C replied back to T today, completely cutting T and me down, and saying that C broke up with me before I found them in bed together.

This is not true. I did suggest over the phone we have some time apart, and I needed to decide what I wanted to do with the relationship. From my point of view nothing was decided. This was in no way closure. And I could write a page about, how I was left in the dark as to what was happening.
From her point of view, I guess she took that as an opportunity to run with the new guy, who I didn't know was a factor.

Any ways I have not heard from C. I wrote a 2-3 page email to her, but before I sent it, I called my cousin who talked me out of sending it (thank God). I've not had any contact with her for over a week.

Any ways I see that C is not a nice person, and heading for a fall (in life). T is a good person.

I am carrying on with things. Working out, chatting girls on line. Reading about investing. Cleaning up around the house. etc.

As for my alias. Feelingloved, is the way I be sure to feel. Whether it is universal love or love from others, I aim to keep my attention aware of it, and greatfull for it.
Its a state of living I aim for. A mantra. A theme of meditation. Its not a look back, but a look at the present. A valid assumption though ##17.

 

[Ever onward]

Let me ask you something. Is this your first major break up?

I do know exactly where you're at though. I've been there before and I'm sort of there right now.

A few weeks ago I posted a thread on here about a girl who wanted to keep her options open though we were f-buddies. I knew she was after a bigger, better deal but I persisted with her. At one point she said to me that she had feelings for me and we were a happy couple for awhile. But then, without notice or reason really, she broke it off.

So I too am coping with a loss. I'm doing surprisingly well though. Especially by my standards.

See I was once like you. I had some ultra devastating break ups in my time. I remember when girls used to dump me (especially the first time I had a major relationship) I just felt destroyed. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to move, I didn't want to do anything. There were times when I couldn't stop crying and times when I was on depression so that the only thing that numbed the pain was the pills. There were times when I had good friends right there by my side and there were times I had to pull myself together all by myself.

And yes I can relate to the way you looked her up on face book. I would do similar things. I would look at her Yahoo profile. Or I would drive by her house to see if there were any strange vehicles there.

And why would I do this? Even though I knew that she was seeing someone else, why would I punish myself? Because I still had a glimmer of hope. I thought "hmmmm if she's not with him then maybe it's because she realized what a mistake she made and she regretted losing me". Or I would think that she would realize what a great guy I am and come back to me and make it up to me. But that never happened with any of the girls who broke my heart.

Was some of this stalkerish behavior? Probably. But I was an emotional wreck and I didn't care. All I wanted was a glimmer of some hope to hold on to. But there was none. And eventually month after month went by and I would force myself not to make contact with her. I would mark it off on a calendar with a black marker to track my progress.

And finally one day, it stopped hurting so much. Life moved on. And there were other girls on the horizon.

Now I talked about this behavior sort of like it was one break up but it was many break ups that followed that pattern. At least 4 that I can think of.

And now here I am, a lot stronger. A girl just broke up with me and it's not that big of a deal. That is the power of indifference. Indifference is such a great emotional quality to cultivate though it may sound negative. Indifference simply means that nothing is a big deal. A month ago I had an extremely hot 24 year old tall blond milf who wanted to use me for sex. And now I don't. The truth is that it wasn't a big deal when I got her. It wasn't even a big deal when I lost her. It doesn't really make a difference in my life in the long run. Life goes on.

So I hope that in time you will learn to deal with your break ups better as I have. Meanwhile, do check out Swingers. That movie got me through some DARK times. I'm not sure I like your reading list though. There are some good books in there (and some not so good ones) but I think it's too early for you to think about finding a new woman because really, that's not what your life should be about.

So guess what. My ex was texting me a bit tonight. So tomorrow I'm going to start fresh marking off the days on the calender in which I don't contact her. Won't you join me? After all, why give them the satisfaction of thinking that we're the same losers that they dumped and are still pining over them?

 

[RecoveringAFC]

Personally I think you bought the wrong books.

Jumping into another relationship is the last thing you want to do. It might be fun but part of you will feel like your cheating, the other part will only want to prove your happy and moved on.

Take time out for yourself and your friends. Forget about dating for a while. Get out, do things, be social, be by yourself, just don't date. Wait until the feelings of pain and loss have gone away.

There are two life messages I keep in my head:
1. Life has a way of working out.
2. There are lots of girls out there.

A good friend now passed away who saw me through my dark days told me #2. I've come to realize he's right.

Victory Unlimited will appreciate this last thought. One tip the US military uses for it's soldiers in escape and evasion training is to "praise small victories".
- Did you get through a day with out calling/emailing/texting? (win)
- Did you think about her a little less? (win)
- Did you do something fun today? (win)
- Did you feel good today? (win)
- Was it just a good day? (win)
- Did you talk to a stranger? (win)

Whatever small victory you had over your unhappiness is a good thing. If you need to, write them down. When you feel really terrible, look at them.

Just my few random thoughts.

 

[feelingloved]

Well there's nothing new to report. I'm doing OK. Feeling OK. Not great. Sometimes lonely. But over all OK.
Ultimate Frisbee was fun today.

I'm real short on money until the end of the month, so probably will not be dating in the conventional sense.

There is "singles" 5K run this Friday I will go to.

I've read over 100 threads at sosuave in the past week. I have not read the bible yet but will get to it, this week I hope.

According to your list * RecoveringAFC *, I did win today in all those categories. Good points.

* Ever Onward * this is like my 7th major break up in 15 years. They all seem to hurt the same, though I can see them coming better, handle them better, and get over them faster now.

I can relate to the not eating, difficulty at work, etc. I did break down and cry once, but not as harsh as past relationships.

I will cultivate indifference. One thing that helps is thinking in my mind of the things that she sucked at.

The more I work on me, particularly my physique, the less I think she deserves me. I feel like I will be way out of her league. Kinda sad, but, what can you do.

My main hobby is nutrition, but I've not ever focused on body building the past many years. Now that I am doing it, I am surprised at how well my body is responding. I'm taking HMB, nitric oxide supplements such as one called "HorsePower", etc.

My recent x will likely see me in the next two weeks to exchange the remaining stuff we have with each other. I will practice indifference, and being "not considerate" of her. My constantly being considerate was a bad vibe, and LTR killer.

I got the amazon books/dvds today. Will start out with swingers. The books I chose were not so much for moving foward, but for understanding what went wrong with the relationship, so I can get over it in my mind - and be at peace with it.

Thank you KontrollerX, & BlueGuy, Bonhomme, jophil28, Phyzzle, hithard, thedeparted, Bible_Belt.

 

[Ever onward]

Hey buddy,

I know what you mean. The break ups get easier but it never becomes easy. I haven't shed any tears over my most recent one. I haven't lost any sleep or had any other negative impact on my life. But I still feel like I'm stuck on her a bit.

I'm far from perfect. I told you I wasn't going to contact my ex today but I ended up texting with her a bit. Ah well, tomorrow is a new day and it's my goal for tomorrow not to contact her at all and cross the day off on the calendar.

I can relate to what you said about raising your standards. A girl broke up with me like six months ago, got back in touch with me yesterday. And I just thought to myself "no thanks". I can't believe I was ever interested in her. My standards get higher with every break up. Every time it happens I learn something new about what I do want from a woman and what I definitely don't want.

One day at a time buddy, one day at a time.

 

[feelingloved]

got this email now - makes me sad

I am coming to Edmonton on Saturday with Jamie on August 18. So I will bring your rocks and grab my cd's. Talk to you later. Hopefully you will be around. PEACE

She had bought me a balloon ride with her last year, its been scheduled for the 18th.
So she will test me to see if I want to go on the balloon ride.
I don't know if I should go and try to make something of it, or if I should tell them to go together.
You know how I feel about this girl.

 

[KontrollerX]

Don't go.

Just grit your teeth be cordial and polite exchange the items and be on your way.

Do not feed her ego in any way by paying her any more attention than you have to in order to exchange the items.

 

[feelingloved]

I guess I will go. I think I will regret not going more than going. I do not have any "expectations".
If I do not go, it will appear to be sulking.

If she wants to go on the balloon ride.
I will just go, and be internally strong, whole and complete in myself, without needing anything from her. Indifferent.

I presume it will bug the other guy (to some degree) that we go on this ride.
It would make me bitter to think of them going on the balloon ride that she bought for my birthday.
Sigh...
I will resist going into friend mode, or considering her "needs" & "issues". I will not reciprocate touching, though I will give a vibe of a "sexual threat", as david d puts it.
Then after I will go back into ignore mode, for as many months as it takes.

I think I'd better pick up some bar ho, the night before (friday). I've not been with anyone yet.
I guess this whole forum is about strategies to feel good about ourselves, and get what we desire from other people.

Bless you all, and thank you for your help. This is really REALLY hard on me. Eye wattering hard.

 

[feelingloved]

OK KontrollerX is saying don't go. Don't feed her ego.
Ya I got to keep that aspect in mind.

I'm torn.

Is there any way to go and not feed her ego?
I guess she will read my vibe and guess at many of my true feelings, even if I hide them.... thus feeding her ego.

She may see this whether I go on the balloon ride or just hand her stuff to her.
Her ego is going to to be pumped either way.

But maybe you are right.

I wish she could see what she is missing. But maybe thats too transparent. Maybe it is too early for that, and I need to Ganji for another 9 months or so.

Maybe I just need to tell them to go. Not sure how to tell them. How about just "I'm not interested". She will probably throw some tests, and try to convince me. Or maybe she will just say "OK".

I know the majority of you want me to NEXT her. But I also know you know psychologically WHERE I am right now. I am at the point where I am "pretending to forget about her" until I can "really forget about her".

 

[KontrollerX]

"Is there any way to go and not feed her ego?"

If you brought along a new girl you just met then very possibly.

If not and you'd be going alone then no.

Basically though she just wants the satisfaction of knowing you will still claw for any scraps of her presence or attention that she is willing to give you.

That or she genuinely wants you as a friend.

The friendship route is completely undesireable and a slow death of dignity so never take it. However at the same time don't burn your bridge, just look for other chicks and ganji game it up on her and maybe the future will turn in your favor.

You are still admittedly in a bad place psychologically feelingloved and thats alright because its natural for what you went through and you are trying to get past it as best you can.

Pick up some other chicks for something fun as opposed to serious, get more involved in your hobbies and if eventually she comes back to you then hey she comes back to you.

If not that is fine too.

All I'm saying is don't wait around for her as by doing so you really may pass up something better.

 

[feelingloved]

Thank you KontrollerX. That post did more for me, my peace of mind, than any 50 threads. You cut straight through to the exact point where I am at. Its easy to throw out generalizations, in terms of what to do in comparable situations. You took the time to customize your response.
I am in your debt.

 

[##17]

If she asks you to go on the balloon ride, simply tell her thanks, but that you have other plans. I mean, is watching her with her new boyfriend really an enjoyable way for you to spend your birthday?

 

[Ever onward]

Hey bro,

Listen for all you know she has no intention of asking you to go on the balloon ride. For all you know she plans to drop the stuff at your place and go with the new guy.

All the plans you ever had with her is out the window once she broke it off.

And even if she does ask you to go, why would you want to? You said you don't want her to think you are sulking or you don't want to feed her ego. I gotta ask, why do you care what she thinks? You gotta look out for you. She and her thoughts and her new guy can all go screw themselves. You gotta do what you gotta do for you. And I would say have absolutely no contact with her and get your mind off her. Have you watched Swingers yet?

Now having said all that. I could be wrong and she may ask you to go with her. Then you will have to decide for yourself what you truly want to do. I don't want you to not go because I told you I didn't think it was a good idea and then you regret it later on. Decide for yourself what you want. But do what YOU want. Not what she wants, or what your buddies here at Sosuave want you to do. Do what you think is best for you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Feelingloved, let me share this with you in the hopes that it will change your persective and make you feel luckier to be you.

I had about the same thing happen to me this summer. A girl, who had been talking constantly about marrying me, and making all of these future plans together, dumped me as soon as we started fighting. She went from 110% interest to 0% in a couple weeks. She changed her myspace profile to single without telling me. You've heard this story 101 times all over sosuave from many different guys, but here's what makes mine different: before she dumped me, the b!tch gave me an std. I have "molluscum contagiousum," which I had never heard of before this experience. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molluscum_contagiosum

She's in denial about having it, and is convinced that I must have gotten it by cheating, even though I never cheated on her. But she's out of the picture, so that's her problem.

My problem is that it can take a long time for molluscum to go away. Webmd says median recovery is 6-9 months. I found my first sore in May, so I'm estimating I'll be celibate to at least Christmas, probably next spring. I was pretty bummed about the molluscum, until I had an allergic reaction to the medication for it (Aldara) and broke out in hives for the past week, itching like a madman. Now that the hives are gone, I am happy to just have molluscum. Hives are worse.

My point in sharing this is that by just having your health alone you don't know how good you have it. Other women are the cure for what ails you, and since you are healthy, you can take advantage of that cure. I can't do the same, but from my perspective, I can appreciate how lucky you are, even if you can't see that yourself.