My Support Thread... Help me get over x , TY

[feelingloved]

thanks Blueguy

for helping me see it differently.

Its hard to not want to feel loved. Its hard to not want a relationship. I guess if I have to do all these things in order get to the point of "feeling loved" then what really have I gained. What is love, from a female's point of view.

From my point of view, when I love, it is bonding and compassion. I suspect that, from a female's point of view, it is respect and idolization.

Maybe its not what I am looking for.

I kinda feel that without my ideal of love, I'm just wandering a barren earth. Sure I can kick a ball, go for a nice dinner, read a good book, listen to a comic, work on my car, do other things I want to do. But without an attachment and bond to someone else, somewhere in my life, it seems flat.

I want the relationship I have in my mind. Its what I am asking the universe for.

I know I have a lot to be greatfull for. Its true. What I consider boredom and lonliness, others might consider a dream life. I will try to be content with boredom, and keep hopes open for something better.

 

[blueguy]

I kinda feel that without my ideal of love, I'm just wandering a barren earth. Sure I can kick a ball, go for a nice dinner, read a good book, listen to a comic, work on my car, do other things I want to do. But without an attachment and bond to someone else, somewhere in my life, it seems flat.

These things aren't fulfilling to you for the same reason they're not fulfilling to me: they're just time fillers and don't give you any ultimate purpose.

Purpose is what you're looking for, right?

Well, most men find purpose in influencing others, building influential things, competing against others, challenges, etc.

Walt Disney did not find great thrill in kicking around a ball and working on his car.

Most guys who find purpose in those things gravitate toward competitive/professional sports or stock car racing.

You can't expect to feel loved automatically. You have to have something about you worthy of being loved. Because of this dynamic, you have to love yourself first. It sounds to me that you DON'T love yourself. You DON'T love your life. And that is why you are here. Because without a girl, you have no purpose in life. Is it any wonder why she is gone?

The time when you are just out of a relationship, is the time when you have just gained your newfound FREEDOM! Freedom to do things you couldn't do before. But guess what? You don't want that freedom. Because the only thing that excites you in life is a boring girl.

Most guys I've talked to who are getting are divorced tell me one thing. And it is the polar opposite of what you are telling me: "Life is too short." And from this, I know that these guys have plans to do something with their life once the relationship is over.

 

[feelingloved]

You guys are amazing.

I'd say more, but I gotta run and catch up with a friend at the park. later......THANKS!!!!!!

 

[feelingloved]

In response to Jophil28,

I think the major things were that I could have kept my appearance better, as per hair cut and working out,
and that I got away from being funny & fun.
There were a number of circumstances, mostly money related, in the past months which greatly reduced my status in her eyes.

I think that even if I had done the above correctly, and had not been exposed to the circumstances above... what occurred in the relationship might still have occurred.

We had a long distance relationship, and saw each other on weekends mostly. She began filling the time with two friends which I was not aware of. One a 9/10 attention *****, bad influence girl, who my GF wanted to compete with and brag to. The other friend (who she is now with) a silver spoon, high status, truly-top-alpha male from her old high school.

I think that EVEN if I was doing everything right, his money, size, humor and social networks were so much greater status than mine, that I would have no chance. It may take me years to get to the point, of competing with that.

They were golfing together, spending evenings together, car pooling together, watching movies together, etc. I did not know. I only had peripheral clues that something might be going on. She said it "just happened". Well I think anyone could have predicted it would happen. She has no other close friends. She wanted it to happen, and worked against me.

Its sad.

I appreciate the stories of inspiration you have shared about your own success.

I don't think I can be blamed for this. I need to stop beating myself up about this. I was not the alpha male here. With anxiety I have reviewed in my mind, over again, what I might do or could do, or could have done. It will be easier on my true nature to resign my hope, chalk it up to being outclassed and defeated by someone with more going for them. As crushing as it is, as much as my mind rails against it, I have to know it was too far beyond my ability to have a role in preventing. I just couldn't do it.

I try to think of how much money I would need to have,
what kind of body I would need to have,
what kind of sense of humor & social network I would need to have to prevent something like this from happening again.

Its probably a 1-3 years , with some luck, of work in the future. I just have to accept that. Its a sick and nauseating reality. The world is so much different than we think, looking forward as children. I could not have foreseen such a tortuous path my life has taken, on an emotional level. I never would have believed it.

I am continuing to take steps forward. I am hoping for some more joys along the way. I need to sleep. I am ready to let go of my dreams, and receive some peaceful rest.

I do not want to think further, on what I could have done with this girl. Not right now. I'm going to let go.

Thank you friends, for your help. I see the strength of your success. I hope to be there some day. Bless us all.

 

[Phyzzle]

If it makes you feel better:

1. Long distance relationships are basically doomed from the beginning.

2. This is a woman in her 30's who is basically friendless except for a couple of High School buddies? Bleah.

 

[feelingloved]

The useless girl is 20.

I feel released. I'm really starting to feel better. I hope it continues. My last post might have done it. Reading David D's ****y comedy manual, helped.

 

[feelingloved]

Well the X called. She was bright and upbeat.
She mentioned how alive and happy she felt, now. She communicated how she has a zest for life now, is doing positive things, losing weight, feeling excited and enthused with all the new friends and activities she is doing.
She also made the point of mentioning several times how "we were" not right for each other. How she felt like she was living in a shell around me. etc.
I simply used the opportunity of the call to employ all of the things I could think of.
I qualified her, I jokingly disapproved of things she had done, I made jokes about her new habits, I conveyed interest in some things which I felt were 'impressive'. I used good voice tone and modulation.
She asked about my "date" which I refused to discuss. She said she hopes I find someone really great too.
We talked for about 1/2 hour. About 20% of that was discussing what when wrong in the relationship. The positive angle on it was that she suggested some things that "we" could have done differently, such as done more "interesting" things on the weekends. It would have been a good sign if she had admitted there were things she could have done differently, to avoid what happened. But a joint failure in handling the relationship, I see as a positive sign. IE we as a team failed.

I conveyed higher status, as best I could, hopefully.
She said she would bring some of my things in 1 to 3 weeks.

I did not actually get her to laugh, although I came close in on point. If she saw my status as higher, it would be a simple matter to make her laugh.

I did my absolute best to keep the conversation interesting, fast paced, moving and non-predictable. I kept it off "serious" issues & tones pretty well I think.

So I will wonder if there is anything that can be read into the facts that
she called,
the questions she asked about what I had been upto,
her discussing areas in how she perceived I was not the right person for her,
her discussing how she is a new and postive/constructive person,
her volunteering whats new and fun in her life,
and how she is taking vitamins (which she knows I like).

Any ways, I am going to try to not think about it.

 

[jophil28]

You gotta quit beating up on yourself about HOW inadequate you might have been with her and how you could have made it work if you were more 'alplha'.
Sure, there are many things that we all can do to walk further along that path of growth and self improvement, BUT do not think that you could have changed the outcome. SHe is a 20 year old flip. She is gullible, easily influenced and drawn to superficial values..That is why she headed off to the other guy. This outcome says more about HER than it does about you. IT says, at least, that she is self-seeking, shallow and not worth having.Your actions and behavior are YOU and you need to be VERY cautious of believing the overblown publicity about how "the alpha guy gets all the women." Sometimes alpha guys get some women to f**k for a few weeks BUT being alpha does NOT guarantee that you can maintain an LTR.

However, having said that I am now going to contradict myself a little.
Women love their sh!t tests, as annoying as they are. A 20 year old woman is "auditioning" men to be the father of her children and a mate to her.
SHe will TRY to get you to jump and perform like a circus seal. The sad truth is that many times if you "pass" the test ,you fail.
The trick is to NOT play. I will say this again in a different way."The way to win is not to play." Laugh at their stupid antics, ignore the drama queen crap, walk away -just turn away and disappear into the night.Do not get upset or lecture them or drawn into their mindless junk . THese shyte games have NO winners really.They are just self defeating, faked-up dramatics.
Call them on their crap -just a ****ed eyebrow is sometimes enough, then they will learn to treat you with more respect OR they will recruit some other D!CK to play that same old bunch of tedious games. Either way, you win.

Write this up on your fridge -"Most women are not fit to consider for an LTR"

 

[jophil28]

One more point - If a recent Ex called me and told me how "Happy she was ---and that now she has a zest for life...blah, blah ", I would just say that this is a bad time to call and just hang up.
SHe is calling you to gloat dude, She is rubbing salt into your wounds deliberately. SHe is really telling you that she is happier with someone else (NOT you) and she is enjoying hurting you by telling you this, NEVER let a woman rub your face in it. The longer you talked to her the more satisfaction she got - she had you listening to humiliation and you just talked to her like an old friend.. This brat is not your friend -she is a brat and a cheater.
NO CONTACT is the rule.

 

[hithard]

Don't try and get back with an ex. cut her off for f.ucks sake. You’re wasting energy trying to win her back. Because if you do manage a reunion then you will end up back here with another sob story because she found someone else to root or (enter problem here).She treated you worse then a dog, you do not need to talk to her so cut the phone call BS.You obviously have made her your life, so its time to concentrate on you again. Get social....now

 

[##17]

My thoughts again

(1) Never define your self-worth/how far along you are on your path by whether you keep a relationship like this going. This isnt an original thought on my part, others said this already...Anyway, do you see where that is going? You're basing your success on what one other woman feels about you, a great way to failure.

(2) I can understand why you talked to her, but I'm not sure what she did to deserve 30 minutes of your attention (in reference to her latest phone call). It's not just that the two of you broke up but why she did it. She isn't your friend--how insensitive of her to be gloating to you how happy she is now. And you're not really her friend either. You're playing a game where you're either trying to get some upper hand on her or you're trying to make some sort of impression on her, kind of like you're auditioning to her or something.

Take this from someone who has been in a similar situation. It doesn't really matter what the two of you talked about or how 'on' you were during your conversation. All she took away from your conversation is that she can dump you for someone else and you're still willing to give her your time and energy.

Next time she calls, tell her that you're happy for her, but that you just cant talk to her now. Show some self-respect, ironically enough, its the only way you'll ever have a hope of getting hers.

 

[feelingloved]

You're right. I need to cut it all off. I can sense her rudeness. I can sense the excitement she has to talk to me now. An now it reminds me of the excitement a cat has when it has pinned a mouse.
Its not serving me.
I loved who she was. I loved who I thought she was.
She knows that well enough to play enough of that old role/personality to get a reaction out of me.
I can feel the energy going the wrong way. She is gaging my hope, and testing how much I would take.
I will cut it off completely.
If she really REALLY REALly wanted to add to my energy, she would break through my wall to do that, pretty much no matter how hard I tried to resist it.

If love proves real two people who are meant to be together nothing can keep them apart. She will find a way, if its meant to be. Its said if you love someone, let them go, and see if they return. I loved who she was, and I will continue to do that. If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them.

You know there is the fear of putting the wall up, that, perhaps I am making a mistake of killing any chance.
But you know and I know that she knows why I don't cut it off. So I will cut it off.

I will cherish the memory of her as she was, but I'll save my love for me.

Thank you, I can't possibly give sufficient tribute to the work and wisdom you have put into your posts. Thank you for telling me what I need to hear, and understanding my tendency to be confused and resist it.

 

[feelingloved]

I just read this on her face book, and I'm freaking out

"Jamie my babe, is the world to me. He has taught me how to have fun. Have been enjoying fishing, and recently has taught me golf. Many great things to come, I could not ask for more."

Well suffice to say, Jamie is the other guy.
So it is not a fling.

I need to get over this.

 

[feelingloved]

Ok.

I'm better.
Serves me right for looking there.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Yeah, that sucks. A 20 y/o is a child, anyway.

A shallow hook-up might do you good. You were saying before that you had to meet several goals before having a woman, but that's not true. There's no reason to delay meeting someone else; doing that only makes it harder to get over this girl.

 

[feelingloved]

Yep. Shallow hookup(s) it will be.

I saw a photo. He looks like a dork. I would say dweeb, but I'm sure he is mindless. He might be working out, but he's not that good looking.

It gives me so much peace of mind.

Its so much motivation.
I am building an awesome body FAST. And I will gradually get my finances in order.
I feel like I've got a boxer on the ropes.

God willing, I am going to become awesome. And she will be begging to have me back. And it will be my decision what to do with the bytch. (I love in a supporting kind of way the girl inside, but not the evolutionary bytch shell she comes in)

I feel like I did when I ran races, and in each race was kicking past the leader for the win. I know I had him. I know I could take more pain than he could. I could sense his despair and weakness and loss. I could sense his helplessness, and limitation. I enjoyed being me then. I enjoyed the marvel of being in the driving seat of an incredible machine and story.

And I am enjoying it again now.

I know I am not the engine. And I am cognizant of my duty in recognizing the universe, for being kind to a faithful servant.

Regardless of the outcome, the process is making me a beautiful and wondrous example/specimen/soul.

 

[Bonhomme]

I am going to become awesome. And she will be begging to have me back. And it will be my decision what to do with the bytch.

Damn, it, you're still hung up on the idea of making her want you back.

Do yourself a favor and move on! There are millions of women out there. No one should ever be that important unless you've been with her for years and she's really become a part of your life.

Snap out of it. Go for the others. Move onward and upward for its own sake and your own sake!

 

[feelingloved]

Its (wounded) pride man. And evolutionary drive.
Logically I fully agree it is wrong.
There are millions, just like her. Perhaps if I found one that was "a step up". There is no quick way to find a quality compatible girl that isn't going to turn into an attention *****, is there?

 

[Bible_Belt]

I am building an awesome body FAST. And I will gradually get my finances in order...God willing, I am going to become awesome.

Self-improvement is great and all, but what if you are already awesome? Then you are wasting time trying to be more awesome when you could be out there being awesome with other girls. Keep up the self-improvement, but don't use it as an excuse to keep from moving on. The areas that you need to improve are only as important as you think they are. Most women probably won't notice the things that you think are a big deal.

 

[##17]

I am building an awesome body FAST. And I will gradually get my finances in order...God willing, I am going to become awesome.

Self-improvement is great and all, but what if you are already awesome? Then you are wasting time trying to be more awesome when you could be out there being awesome with other girls. Keep up the self-improvement, but don't use it as an excuse to keep from moving on. The areas that you need to improve are only as important as you think they are. Most women probably won't notice the things that you think are a big deal.

I definitely see what you're saying, but it's really about the doing, about having projects that motivate us and that get us up in the morning that counts. It's the journey, not the destination. In the end, our plans and goals are really all just trying to build a staircase to heaven anyway...

Psychologically speaking, our minds are always at work. If they don't have a project to focus on or a problem to solve, they end up turning against themselves. (Could that be one reason why women always seem to be making issues in relationships that were seemingly going great?)

feelingloved, do what you're doing. And change your screen name. I think that it is subconsciously linking you back to where you were before.