How to Handle Being Dumped, Stood Up, or Rejected

[Jariel]

Here's a new addition to this old tip of mine, but this time something a bit different. I posted this all in another thread, but thought it was worth adding a more concise version to this tip thread.

So, I got chatting to a woman over Facebook. We were emailing and chatting every day and there was great chemistry between us, both mentally and sexually. When we met in person, the chemistry seemed even stronger. She showed all the textbook signs of high interest, got flustered and nervous around me and was continually complimenting me.

We went back to her place and ended up having wild sex. It was amazing. Afterwards, we cuddled up together in bed talking for a few hours. It was the perfect date. We kissed goodbye and she text me on the way home to check I got my connecting train. All good.

Then the next day she seemed cold with me. She took all day to reply to my text and when she did, it was very casual and closed ended. I tried flirting with her, but got nothing in return. This went on all week and I was sensing she'd lost interest. I waited a while and asked her out. She agreed half heartedly, but she was still being very cool with me. It felt like I was just waiting for her to pull the trigger and any moment I would hear "Let's just be friends" or "You're a nice guy, but..."

Here's how I turned it around....

I dropped her a text and politely told her things are a bit busy at the moment and cancelled the date. She asked if that means I don't want to see her again. I replied "I just have a lot going on at the moment. But I had fun and hope there are no hard feelings. x"

It was basically a pre-emptive move and a bit of elementary reverse psychology.

She replied to this saying she didn't understand because she thought we got on really well and thought I liked her. I went to bed and didn't return her text. The next morning she sent me another text, this time quite flirty, referring to us connecting mentally and physically, and suggesting it would be a shame not to connect physically again <winky face>.

I text back saying I had a great time, but maybe some things are best left as a one off.

She asked "Do you want me to stop texting and emailing you?"

I told her "No, it's nice to hear from you and hope we will stay in touch."

So basically now I've rejected her and turned the tables and her interest levels have shot up. It's the old theory, people want what they cannot have or people value more what they stand to lose.

A day later she dropped me a text to say hi and remind me about a movie we were talking about. I replied with a bit of friendly small talk and we got into a text exchange, during which a sexual innuendo came up, which escalated to us talking about when we had sex and our deepest sexual fantasies.

The next day she invited me over to fulfill these fantasies and we had another explosive night of sex. I left on great terms and she continued keeping regular contact.

We have been keeping in touch for a few weeks now and have had sex 5 times. Her interest is sky high again. I'm making sure to keep our chats lighthearted and sexual, avoiding any talk of relationships or any behaviour that indicated I'm getting attached. Things are good.

 

[mark123]

Applies here?

Hello all - Looking at some of the threads here compelled me to join the forum recently.

I have a similar problem that I posted yesterday in the tips section. I dont wanna repost the long text - would be great if folks could comment whether the techniques apply here or if there's an alternate approach:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=21610&page=13

 

[ipeefreely]

Great post Jariel.

I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to chime in with my own example here.


Basically, one of my best home girls is close friends with a HB10 (yes she's THAT HOT). Unfortunately...she has also always had a boyfriend and whenever she didn't... I did. So there was just no way for us to ever get together.

Finally, this past year... when we all graduated from college we both ended up being single. I found out that she was single through my home girl and told her to hook it upppp!!! She did just that and arranged it so that I would meet her at a club.

At the club, my friend introduced me to the HB10 and I literally had to remind myself not to stare. We chatted for a bit, I cracked a couple of jokes at her and proceeded to buy our group of friends a round. No more than 10 seconds of leaving her presence, a guy leaps out of the crowd and starts chatting her up. I didn't really care as I just wanted to get schwasted.

After about 10 min, I come back with the drinks and I chat with her for a little bit before I wandered off again to my own shenanigans. This went on all night as I wandered around hanging out with different groups of friends. Every time I left, there would be a different guy trying to spit game at the HB10. But something happened... despite the fact that she was getting hit on by all sorts of guys... I noticed that every time I turned around, she'd be near me.

Seeing this as an opportunity to move in, I started initiating on her (whispering in her ears, putting my hand on her back, holding hands...etc..) She reciprocated by taking me to the dance floor and started grinding on me like she had a itch which could only be scratched with my ****. :rockon:

Anyways... I used to be one of those guys that would leap at the first hot girl I saw and get butt hurt if she didn't respond to me. Sometimes ... when I'm hurt badly enough, I would constantly and persistently message the girl to see what the problem was. It was sad and to some extent pathetic.

THat's not to say I don't "leap' nowadays. I still do, it's just more graceful. and when things don't work out, I walk away. This usually makes the girl go crazy and she starts putting in effort. And yes... no matter how hot they are, it still works because deep down, they're still human.


Oh. And that girl? She's been messaging and texting me ever since that clubbing night wanting to go out. Awesome how it works right?

 

[Jariel]

And here's one I fvcked up....

I should've known better and acted on this very advice, but I recently did the opposite and thought I would share my experience with you guys as an example of what not to do.

I started seeing this fitness model 2 months ago. We started out very sexually and she was crazy about me. We established early on that we were not looking for anything serious, so although we dated like a couple, went away for a weekend, we were basically friends with benefits. She later told me although we were just having fun, she wanted us to be exclusive. She also told me she likes me a lot and how rare it is for her to feel this way. She would'n't leave me alone - texts every hour, wanting to talk all the time, then when we were together she'd hold me as we walked and keep kissing me. It looked to me like we were moving towards a relationship and I admit I was developing feelings for her.

Then one day out of the blue she started acting cool, replying to texts with one word answers and stopped initiating contact as she had done all this time.

And this is where I fvcked up. What I should've done is backed off, given her a chance to miss me and appreciate my value. Just basic no contact until her interest started to rise.

However, I ended up texting her asking what was wrong and why she'd gone cold. She told me she was just very busy. I told her I was going to move on and start dating someone else, hoping to make her jealous, but I got no response. I deleted her off Facebook. On one hand I convinced myself I was just getting closure and moving on, but on the other, I realised I was trying to manipulate her. I was hoping she would come running back for fear of losing me etc.

A few days later I realised how I'd overreacted. I knew this mistake was beyond repair, but I tried to take it back. I text her to say I cancelled my date because I still liked her and thought we could have fun together. She brought up the fact that I'd deleted her off FB and said she couldn't understand why I'd do that when it was me who said I was going on another date. She said she was happy with things being casual between us and liked what we had, but had felt things were getting too serious between us lately and she wasn't getting enough time to catch up with her studies.

In other words, she just needed a time out and to take a couple of steps back to avoid things getting too serious. And yet I had just proven that I cared way too much, that I was getting too heavy, perhaps even needy. Wheras if I'd given her space and stopped contacting her, she'd realise that I was casual about things and she could hook up with me again without any backlash or guilt.

There's no way I can recover from this now and I won't be surprised if I never hear from her again. My only option now is to move on and stop contacting her.

 

[The_Crack]

I'm kind of in the middle of a situation simliar to ones all of you are having. I was seeing a hb8.5 for a bit, and we hooked up few weeks ago at my place. Not sex, but everything else. We connected deep, she told me some deep secrets and we really bonded. I had to flake on our next date cause of some ****, and she acted indifferent to it, but after that she kinda started ignoring me i think. i wouldn't hear from her for days. And she ended up flaking on me on our next date.
I started getting needy and sorta send an angry messege to which she got real upset, and from there on its all gone downhill. I apologized and what not, but she ignores me. I really did like this girl too.. probably more than i liked any other girl, so i started texting her more and messeging her more, called her a few times but she didn't answer..
But i'm getting sick of it, i mean she's a great girl and has everything i look for but its playing with my head and all i think about is her.

I've decided i don't want her anymore,and if i see her down the street or something i will smile and be polite but won't really give her my time. I'm not going to initiate convo on facebook or text. We'll see where this goes.. i'll get back at ya guys if she comes back, and if she doesn't.
This is a great thread and i think every guy would've been through some situation similar to what we've been through

 

[CJ 101]

Good advice dude, i couldn't have said it better.

 

[mastersF]

I needed this.. would have saved me the past two years of heartache and confusion, especially JayJay's post. It's uncanny how women turn out to behave the same way no matter how unique they try to appear.

Thanks

 

[swolex]

nice thread for sure,def enoying reading some of it and will read the rest later on today...


I have a recent example:

I do pretty well w the ladies and I in grad school,however I have to take some lower level math classes because of my weak math backround...

so long story short...I don't look at a single person in this math class.however after a few classes I notice this girl starring and glancing with what has to be 3-4 times at least...no clock in my direction,nothing... after a few classes I check her out when shes not looking every so often and she def is not just a day dreamer going in both directions...

exchange some more smiles,she says hey as I walk in class one time,tried making some small talk for a second last week... so finally I got her after class and asked her if she wanted to get together to study for 1st test since she seemed to be doing well and my backround is weak. she said yea sure....

so I guess she had a friend waiting outside from a class nearby and she leans out door and says just go ahead to friend,I said that is never a bad sign... anyway she looks about 23-24 at least this girl... so we are walking making small talk,etc.. finally we get to where shes meeting friend and I guess because I told her about all the biochem and stuff im taking but w this math,lol she goes "how old are you? " I said guess... she said 23? no,24? I said no 30,that a bad thing? she smiled and said no...

so naturally I said how old are you? she said guess,I was WRONG..

she goes.... im 17 to which I think I did a =0

anyway that is legal in my state h owever I would not do anything anyway till she was 18,regardless I honsestly could use the help.so she goes do you want to give me your #?

I kind of froze and said let me just email you through the class directory...

so I email her much later on that night,she got back within an hr... telling me when she is free and when she is not... I said about an hr of that works for me..so she replies back ok where exactly do you want to meet? I told h er where on campus...this goes on last few days... yesterday AFTernoon she said " sounds good!"

sent email last night saying " hey something just came up and I can't make it. im sorry.. try emailing one of the guys from class maybe!"

didn't read till today and was already here early lol.

 

[swolex]

nice thread for sure,def enoying reading some of it and will read the rest later on today...


I have a recent example:

I do pretty well w the ladies and I in grad school,however I have to take some lower level math classes because of my weak math backround...

so long story short...I don't look at a single person in this math class.however after a few classes I notice this girl starring and glancing with what has to be 3-4 times at least...no clock in my direction,nothing... after a few classes I check her out when shes not looking every so often and she def is not just a day dreamer going in both directions...

exchange some more smiles,she says hey as I walk in class one time,tried making some small talk for a second last week... so finally I got her after class and asked her if she wanted to get together to study for 1st test since she seemed to be doing well and my backround is weak. she said yea sure....

so I guess she had a friend waiting outside from a class nearby and she leans out door and says just go ahead to friend,I said that is never a bad sign... anyway she looks about 23-24 at least this girl... so we are walking making small talk,etc.. finally we get to where shes meeting friend and I guess because I told her about all the biochem and stuff im taking but w this math,lol she goes "how old are you? " I said guess... she said 23? no,24? I said no 30,that a bad thing? she smiled and said no...

so naturally I said how old are you? she said guess,I was WRONG..

she goes.... im 17 to which I think I did a =0

anyway that is legal in my state h owever I would not do anything anyway till she was 18,regardless I honsestly could use the help.so she goes do you want to give me your #?

I kind of froze and said let me just email you through the class directory...

so I email her much later on that night,she got back within an hr... telling me when she is free and when she is not... I said about an hr of that works for me..so she replies back ok where exactly do you want to meet? I told h er where on campus...this goes on last few days... yesterday AFTernoon she said " sounds good!"

sent email last night saying " hey something just came up and I can't make it. im sorry.. try emailing one of the guys from class maybe!"

didn't read till today and was already here early lol.

 

[skop]

The common theme here seems to be to go into no contact mode with the girl you want back to get her back, but there is a certain scenario that isn't really covered by any of the examples: what if two (or possibly more) guys that the girl likes go into no contact mode with her? Does the guy who breaks the no contact first after a reasonable time get the girl?

Here's a believable hypothetical example that might clarify my question:
A guy that a girl likes goes into no contact mode with her
the girl meets another guy and starts liking him
the new guy goes into no contact with the girl

Who in that scenario has the upper hand usually, the new guy or the old guy? I'm guessing the new guy does, since she might feel like she has more hope with him.

In my case, I think I'm going up against a pretty beta person who apparently gives the girl a lot of attention (I dont know in what manner though; I don't know his game), but who is also unavailable a lot (increase in attraction?) He is the "old guy". I personally have been negging her and acting alpha around her and whatnot, but the problem was that I was a bit too available for her, so I started going no contact. I'm the "new guy" who is now no-contacting her. I have yet to receive an offer for a date from her, but she has been offering to go out on dates with him/he's been offering to go out on dates with her and she's been accepting (in other words, she's going out on dates with him, but I don't know who initiated).

Sorry for the wall of text, but I need some help. Thanks

 

[Jeffst1980]

Great thread.

When in doubt, "no contact" should be your default response.

A word of caution: Don't expect to get serious with a girl that needs all that reverse psychology to raise her interest level; it's only a matter of time before those validation games fail. Keep in mind that a woman will often try to reel you back in without any intention of hooking up with you, too. Still, this stuff works especially well with young women- In fact, it often seems that you need to be constantly confounding them with mixed signals just to keep their interest high.

 

[harkkam08]

Wow, this post is very eye opening but depressing.

I would lose so much respect for a woman if I was able to manipulate her into liking me by ignoring her. I would rather want a woman that would get irritated by me not being upfront in certain aspects rather than being cold one day and hot the next.

These women almost sound border line bi-polar, and that is never healthy.

For a woman to be all excited and happy about your date and then the very next day be cold and distant are huge warning signs that I would just stay away from a person like that.

Any woman who behaves like that is not LTR material.

Its very disheartening that woman actually respond to being ignored rather than being pushed away by it. That they are too immature to understand their own feelings are being manipulated because they are too stupid to see that its only wanting what they can't have that makes them "want" you.

If you really want a person it doesn't change from day to day, how the hell do marriages last at least 50% do, or LTR more than a couple years with women like these.

I really do feel that some of these woman are not worth pursuing or being in a LTR with to begin with. If they are FB or ONS then sure

 

[TomTucker]

great thread guys! so much good info in here. i have a question....

i recently got dumped. we were in a LTR for over 2 years and had nothing but great times. i didnt afc really at any point and held her interest till the end. I handled everything very mature, calling her out on her bullsh!t in a respectful maner, and im ready to move on. i havent made any contact since we broke up and have no plans on doing so (i would like to get back together, but on my terms and definitely make her understand her f--k up).

The problem is we have a lot of the same good friends, and we will be in at least a couple of the same social gatherings in the next few months. aside from not showing interest, i dont know how to go about acting around her during those gatherings. like i said, im ready to move on, but i would still be interested in getting back together on my own terms if she showed interest.

 

[tyciol]

Do these strategies work if the "relationship" hasn't actually ended but she has been acting distant? In my situation, I acted very AFC. I came off as needy and desperate by pushing for a relationship after she had contacted her ex. I called her out for not being affectionate and a bunch of other stupid stuff haha

If you're distant it still gives her the opportunity to end it to punish you for being distant though, so I'm not sure it's the same thing.

 

[thekhris]

This is gold... it worked on me and im livin proof of it, you can even check my previous post on page 2 and being so AFC back then, i think it was 3 years ago when I first read this thread. I even PM jariel back then to say thank you by saving my ass.

As ive experienced this only works with NICE GUYS who have been dumped and planted a strong foundation of feelings or meaningful memories to a women before the girl got bored with you or being attracted to a more manly man.

BUT this wont work on the ff.
1. You hurt the girl physically, you slap her, you punch her on the nose etc.
2. Youre a certified A$$ H0l3
3. Youre a bum for 2 years and contented with it.
4. Your the master of verbal abuse.
5. You did somthing that even the members of this thread will advise the girl that youre not worthy to have that 2nd chance.

Decipline is the key to make this work, one little break of the policy will definitely blew up everything. Like begging at her, you called her 1st after 2 weeks or so, She sees and knows that your still not over her ( like showing your still mad or still have grudges over the matter, she sees you drinking and still depressed or anything similarm trying to be sweet and all and trying to make her fall in love with you by courting her or being romantic).

Heres the simple tip to avoid the temptations of mistake..

DONT FOLLOW YOUR FEELINGS!!!!

If you feel you want to beg dont, if you feel you need to show to her more love and expecting she will love you again back in return DONT!! If you want to show to her that your a real MAN by Being super angry a$$ hole over her, dont.

 

[thekhris]

great thread guys! so much good info in here. i have a question....

i recently got dumped. we were in a LTR for over 2 years and had nothing but great times. i havent made any contact since we broke up and have no plans on doing so (i would like to get back together, but on my terms and definitely make her understand her f--k up).

The problem is we have a lot of the same good friends, and we will be in at least a couple of the same social gatherings in the next few months. aside from not showing interest, i dont know how to go about acting around her during those gatherings. like i said, im ready to move on, but i would still be interested in getting back together on my own terms if she showed interest.

Ok if ever she showed interest " DONT POUNCE RIGHT AWAY". It might be a trap or its still very open to the possibilities of changing her interest again because your not being a challenge again. Simply showing she is interested is not enough, she must be super persistent and enough persistent that youll know your in the upper hand to have the right to give terms. Having same circle of friends is actually not a problem but an advantage, you will have paparazzi reporters that will report to her that your doing ok without her, you dont have grudges over her, your bettering your self and enjoying the life of being single. You dont hate her and youre not depressed and the break up thing dosnt bother you. If she communicate be polite but distant. Like when she says hello just say hi and when she opens a convo just listen for a minute or 2 and suddenly cut the convo and make an excuse to evade.

 

[TomTucker]

Ok if ever she showed interest " DONT POUNCE RIGHT AWAY". It might be a trap or its still very open to the possibilities of changing her interest again because your not being a challenge again. Simply showing she is interested is not enough, she must be super persistent and enough persistent that youll know your in the upper hand to have the right to give terms. Having same circle of friends is actually not a problem but an advantage, you will have paparazzi reporters that will report to her that your doing ok without her, you dont have grudges over her, your bettering your self and enjoying the life of being single. You dont hate her and youre not depressed and the break up thing dosnt bother you. If she communicate be polite but distant. Like when she says hello just say hi and when she opens a convo just listen for a minute or 2 and suddenly cut the convo and make an excuse to evade.

good to know, ive been doing these things already. im not mad at her, 'course it still hurts sometimes to think about the situation. guess im just nervous on acting distant around her without looking like i dont care. like how to be distant with her but still manage to talk to our friends. there will be situations were i cant just walk away when were around friends, and i dont want to spend the whole time lookin like im avoidin her or something, you know what i mean? im also not sure what to do if me and her start talking alone and she suddenly brings up our relationship and wants to talk about it.

 

[thekhris]

like how to be distant with her but still manage to talk to our friends. there will be situations were i cant just walk away when were around friends, and i dont want to spend the whole time lookin like im avoidin her or something, you know what i mean?

Ok excuse me but il be little hard and direct with you, theres a big difference between being distant and actling like you still have grudges on her, avoiding her in impolite manner sends signals to her brain that you still have grudges over the matter, youre still not over her, still have bitternes over the break up which means she still have strings over you, still owns you like a value less rag that she can pick up every time she wants incase he dosent find the Mr. Right that she is expecting to have.

Being distant is actually not avoiding her in impolite manner, Its just that your not doing the same things that you usually do as a boy friend. Youre gonna stop being romantic and your gonna stop doing things that will reflect that you still have feelings over her or care for her. Dont do things that you will do for some one youre interested with or even do on a close friend. Treat her as a common male friend. I.e you dont text a male friend at mid night and asking how he is doing? You dont invite a common not so special friend to watch a movie just the 2 of you. Imagine he is a guy, and everything will be fine. I.e both of you started to talk alone and she suddenly she brings up the break up and relation ship and then imagine he is a guy, your normal response is either burst in laughter, be disgusted and avoiding the subject or act suprised like you heard the weirdest thing you ever heard, what ever those reaction will will fall on perfect category of being distant.

Behave or Treat her as a non special male freind or even better just some one you know across the street with no special meanings or what so ever. Youre gonna be polite with your male friend or even crack a laughter when he jokes around but you will not text him or call him just out of the blue. Hope you get my drift.

 

[TomTucker]

Ok excuse me but il be little hard and direct with you, theres a big difference between being distant and actling like you still have grudges on her, avoiding her in impolite manner sends signals to her brain that you still have grudges over the matter, youre still not over her, still have bitternes over the break up which means she still have strings over you, still owns you like a value less rag that she can pick up every time she wants incase he dosent find the Mr. Right that she is expecting to have.

Being distant is actually not avoiding her in impolite manner, Its just that your not doing the same things that you usually do as a boy friend. Youre gonna stop being romantic and your gonna stop doing things that will reflect that you still have feelings over her or care for her. Dont do things that you will do for some one youre interested with or even do on a close friend. Treat her as a common male friend. I.e you dont text a male friend at mid night and asking how he is doing? You dont invite a common not so special friend to watch a movie just the 2 of you. Imagine he is a guy, and everything will be fine. I.e both of you started to talk alone and she suddenly she brings up the break up and relation ship and then imagine he is a guy, your normal response is either burst in laughter, be disgusted and avoiding the subject or act suprised like you heard the weirdest thing you ever heard, what ever those reaction will will fall on perfect category of being distant.

Behave or Treat her as a non special male freind or even better just some one you know across the street with no special meanings or what so ever. Youre gonna be polite with your male friend or even crack a laughter when he jokes around but you will not text him or call him just out of the blue. Hope you get my drift.

i totally get you, thanks again man. my heads fvcked up a little still from the break up, and i dont want to do anything stupid. ive been doin good so far with no contact and been showin friends that im good and ready to move on and im really trying to make myself believe that too. its hard just turning off 2 years worth of feels sometimes tho

 

[thekhris]

been there bro, everybody does, some even been married for 5 years or so and you if you think of it those two individuals went to so much deep realization that they are so in love that went to the point that they should marry.

But girls are girls. Im not married but back then I realized that whats more bummer than wife divorse you or cheated you.

I respect this thread and gotta tell you 80 percent it works.

BUT MY BEST ADVISE IS THIS.YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE ME RIGHT NOW AS ME EITHER DONT BELIVE IT WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THIS BEFORE..

THE NEXT GIRL IS ALWAYS THE BETTER GIRL. IT MAY TAKE TIME AND DO SOME HARD WORK BACK TO SCARCH AGAIN. BUT THE NEXT GIRL IS ALWAYS THE BETTER GIRL.