How to Handle Being Dumped, Stood Up, or Rejected

[Renegade357]

This guy has made EVERY mistake in the book, constantly pestering/stalking her, getting angry at her for seeing me, breaking down in front of her and crying MULTIPLE times, saying he still loves her, and then flirting with other girls in front of her two seconds later. He basically intends to make her feel like **** every time they meet (which is 2 or 3 times a week) and she tells me about it every time, telling me how crap he's made her feel. I got bored hearing it. He's being doing this for 6 MONTHS, and she STILL chooses him over me?

Some chicks are head cases that actually want to be in a chaotic fighting/miserable relationship. Obviously her ex is a nut case but for whatever reason she's into that. You can't be getting with girls who still have their ex in the picture in any way shape or form. Period. You will be poleaxed in the most brutal way. If they still talk with their ex you run the other way.

After posting this I thought maybe it's a better idea to just go NC, but wait til she's away and call round to get my stuff when it's just her flatmates in.

LOL, get your crap and go into hiding man. This girl is a bad one and does not care about you. She's not good enough for you. I hope you have walked away and didn't even bother tell her "peace out"

 

[Revel]

..

real *****in post..
Skip down to the dotted line if you wanna skip, I sorta went on a rampage.

I have a situation I'm looking for advice on..

While I was in Seattle, I met up with an buddy of mine whom I haven't seen in a decade, I showed up to his parents house just for kicks and see if the kid was even still alive, turns out he wasn't even home, his dad was and he about **** his pants when he finaly recognized me, He sure was skeptical about some cutie lookin brown dude showin up at his door step, and for a very good reason.

For about a half hour we conversated and talked family. when all this sudden SHE shows up... -.-

My buddy's older sister who I also haven't seen in a decade drives up and parks, walks by us not even paying attention, glances at me with a blank face, like wtf is this guy on my property type of look.

Recognizes me and yells, OMG your a man now! and gave me a squeeze.
yeee My boner was huge..

It stunned me how stunningly hot this chick got.. my last memories having with her was throwing mud at her on the playground. Now I know why the old man wasn't having my ass to begin with, turns lots of cuties come up to his doorstep begging to put some mud in his daughter.
.
So we get together the next night, catchin up. My buddy is still nowhere to be found, hehe.. Turns out he was avoiding his house because the law was looking for em.. supposedly he beat up a guy hitting on his sister at a party a few days before i showed up, This chick has a crowd of chumps the likes which i'v ever seen.

Anyways we went up to a city view, Talked for hours, ended up snugglin under the stars, all romantic and what not, Fooled around and turns we had alot of chemistry, I don't know where it came from but man I have my 1v1 game nailed. I can sure bag a chick but I tend to get my emotions overly attached, Workin on that..


--------------------------------------------

So we hung out a couple times and I had to be leaving town to get down to LA.. The night before I left she texted me asking me if she can see me in the morning before I go, I reply'd saying just to meet me at Starbucks at 9am.

I got no text back, So i called in the morning but no answer!!!!:box:

At this point I gotta admit my emotions started a typhoon of every foul, rotten emotion a man gets when he runs into oneitus, I was leaving to LA and she flakes!! But the awful experiences I had before I knew about the community, I cut it at the root of what can turn out to be a perpetual slaughter of my dignity,

I DELETED HER CONTACT!!:cheer:
After I did, I was kicking myself because I had this overwhelming urge to keep calling her, KEEP TEXTING HER.. That was 2 weeks ago and the effects of oneitus are wearing off but whenever she pops into my head, I feel like ****.

Its actually good that she hasn't contacted me because i don't even have any of my manly wits in order yet, even if she called i would answer and probley act like a clingy pus.. After reading the posts in this thread I have a good idea on how to go about rectifying this situation.

What do you guys think, Should I act all nice like nothing happened and act distent? or call her out on the bad behavior she done?

 

[Renegade357]

What do you guys think, Should I act all nice like nothing happened and act distent? or call her out on the bad behavior she done?

I know how oneitis sucks. I'm trying to shake that little habbit myself. I think the trick is just not to take anything they say or do serious until you've put in some good time with them. Doc Love says 10 dates.

Hmm, I think she just wanted to hook up dude. She asked if she could see you before you left and you offered Starbucks. I think she wanted a place where you could neck. My guess is she was faking her high interest level in you early because she didn't have another guy handy at that time. She could easily have a few guys or a boyfriend lurking around somewhere. If she really cared she would have contacted you. But that would have taken 30 seconds of her time to tell you sorry for not making out to StarBucks.

You just gotta bottom line her actions, flush her number and move on to the next one. Good luck man.

 

[Revel]

Something did happen where my value dropped down, The last time I saw her I think i blew it then, Looking back now i can see that she was playing some typical girl **** tests.. that i might have failed.

Is it just me? or do girls like to hit you on purpose, Like literaly start slapping you in the stomach and ****, To test to see how you react? I remember she had a flower in her hand, and she kept hitting me with the stupid thing. My attitude was passive and i sort of just let her keep on hitting me with this stupid daisy!! Reading the posts in this thread i think something as small as that was the deal breaker. stupid as it sounds, idk

You just gotta bottom line her actions, flush her number and move on to the next one. Good luck man.

trust me, I did it early and man, If i hadn't i would blew her phone the **** up one night when I was really getting down, LOL

....Ive had worse. this is just another learning experience :yes:

 

[Martin]

Great topic indeed, I’m sure this will help many people with their break up, but there are a few things that i want to add:

First off all, in my opinion you should never ever have to lie to girl, not to get her back, not to make her attracted to you, not to have sex with you.. Never!

What i mean with no lying is that you will never ever have to play games with her, or do anything that goes against your emotions. Instead.. get your emotions in order!

If you feel depressed and want to beg for her to come back, realize you’re and emotional wreck, and can’t function normal without her. (if you go to fast, realize your desperate. If you are clingy, realize you’re valuing her above yourself, if your jealous, realize you’re insecure. If you feel like saying I love you after 3 weeks, realize you’ve got serious issues)

Playing games and using reverse psygolochy doesn’t create a healthy relationship. I really don’t like if she would play the same games with me.. I see a lot of hot en cold tactics going on in books and stuff, but think about it: would you really like if a girl would play those games on you? NO! most of these tactics are based on making the other insecure.. I want a relation where we both feel good.

In my opinion you can always be sincere, even about your true feelings, and still get her attracted to you, or get her back after a break up.
The thing is you need a right mindframe to make the right decisions, by always being a alpha male you will take the right actions automaticly, not because you’ve read them on a forum. So the key is to get the right frame of mind and understand why you take certain actions, instead of just learning and doing them.

The BIG benefit of this is, that when you actually stand beyond everything you do and say it will have much more impact since it will be 100% sincere. If you’re saying you’re doing OK and it’s no big deal for you, you’re eyes and body language will always give you away, if you’re just saying this to get her back, without really meaning it.

For example: if at some point you say to her you really really like her, and after a while she starts to take you for granted because of this knowledge and loses interest. If you got your mind frame right, you will start to disapprove her actions because she isn’t showing her full affection, resulting in you not liking her as much as before, resulting in being indifferent to her losing interest. Which on her turn will make her realize you can’t be taken for granted and make her show more affection..

I didn’t read every post, but what i miss is that you’ll really need to work out for yourself why the breakup happened in the first place. And with that I mean, also take a good look at yourself. If you realize you made a mistake, for example by being to needy or clingy, fix this issue with yourself. You can win her back with your non contact tactics, but after she feels insecure and comes back to you, you will run into the same problems and another breakup is on its way.
Why this non contact thing works a lot of the times, it's that it’s the human reaction, that if the other one doesn’t apologize for his actions ( confirming the right decision), we’ll start to doubt ourselves, and looking for things we might have did wrong. By this way we’re letting her apologize for something she might not even done wrong. (I’m not saying It couldn’t be her fault). So it’s very important to realize what the real problem is, otherwise this will only be a temporary fix.

Most of the times a girl will not give you the real reason why she’s breaking up with you.

If you think you never did anything wrong, and you never have to apologize, you will refrain yourself from self improvement, and will run into the same problems again and again.

The second step is after you realized what you did wrong, is to let her know what you realized your mistakes and fixed them. Sometimes you have to show this by actions, for the needy example: be indeed having no contact, basically showing them you realized you don’t need them in your life to be happy. But in other cases by telling her, texting her or even write her a letter. I know this sound very AFC, but thrust me, it doesn’t have to be!

As long as you don’t result in begging, say anything to hurt her feelings purpose, try to convince her to like you etc. this can be a very effective way of getting her back.

The main importing thing is, to remain totally indifferent of the outcome. The basic idea is this: I’m sorry I did this, I realized I was wrong and I will work on it. I just wanted to get this of my chest, do with this information whatever you want. You can even say you feel really bad about it. (There is a big difference in feeling bad about losing her and depressed whining. You can feel bad about it and still get on with your normal life, have fun with friends etc. These thing are (should be) totally unrelated)

Since she now realizes the reason why she broke up with you has been solved and will no longer be an issue in the future, she will probably come back to you. (It’s really important to not contact her after this point unless you have something to add, the ball is now in her court)

My advice to you all is always be honest, and don’t act tougher (different) then you are. Chances are big she will see right through you as your eyes and body language will probably give you away. If she sees your trying to trick her, your done. ( If you text you going on anther date, she will know you just saying this to make her jealous, if you act like you don’t care about her leaving you, but she clearly knows you do, she will find you an even bigger loser).

The most important mind frame you need to have is that you don’t need her, and that if she decided to end things with you, that’s her decision, and you can only disagree and show her your vision, but don’t expect her to change her decision because of your vision. Let her figure out if she made the right decision on her own.

After recognizing your mistakes, letting her know you did, and how you feel about it, now realize you now did everything you can in your power (without begging, playing games, making her feel bad etc), and accept the fact that she’s making the mistake if she doesn’t change her mind. (Also realizing what you did wrong will make you accept why she left you and make you feel better about yourself as you won’t make the same mistake next time)

One more important thing I want to add is don’t make the mistake of taking the blame for something you didn’t do wrong! As I said, most of the times a girl will not give you the real reason why she’s breaking up with you, leaving you with false motives and confused. By apologizing for these things that are not really wrong with you, you will only show her more that you don’t get what you did wrong and she made the right decision.

Most of the time she will take a small argument and take it into a big deal and breaking you off. It will seem like that was the reason, but the real reason is she already didn’t care if things we’re going to be all right afterwards in the first place.

 

[116933]

Help

First post - could use some help.

My girl of 5 years left a few months ago. Shes really ****ed with me in the past and Ive allowed it. She blows hot and cold and I allow it. She has dumped me in the past. Ive learned finally not to take a girl back...not worth it.

When she left I immediately went NC out of disgust and instinct. I was done with this girl. She called over the months and I knew I shouldnt pick up and i didnt.

A week ago she sent me a message about a close relative of mine passing away. I couldnt not respond, especially since she knew him. But I was a man about it, kept it short and sweet.

The next day she messages me again...this time with sexual innuendo and how confident i seem. I mess up and basically throw myself sexually her. She ignores me.

Over the weekend she calls me drunk sat night and says she misses me. I tell her i want to pick her up. She says no and that i dont even care about her. She even says I left her. I send her a bitter message saying she doesnt get to hangup on me anymore...or start a conversation like that and not finish it.

I break down and send her two gushy notes this week, i mean really gushy i miss you type of stuff. I really messed up there. She doesnt respond to either of course.

Im gonna go NC...but before I do is there anyway to rectify it. Anything I can say before I split again. Ive already given her all of the power again and thrown myself at her after moving on. I dont want her to go around the rest of her life thinking she has me wrapped around her finger, and thats the way this played out. I have a lot to be bitter about....should I send her a semi bitter thing before NC? ITs the only thing i can think of to regain some strength in her eyes. Although it might just seem immature. I really messed up.

She tested me to see where I was in regards to her...and I completely validated her. Now the last words ill have ever said to her are i love you and miss you. Which she knows she doesnt deserve from me...making me look all the more weak. I was doing so good too.

 

[Renegade357]

Well you've officially wussified yourself with your love notes, letting her walk all over you, treat you like crap and who knows what dude she's out there banging behind your back.

I hereby sentence you to NO contact with her for 100 years starting NOW. After the 100 year period is over you will be allowed to try to get her back. There will be no sappy goodbye or "I'm sorry I have to do this honey." You will simply vanish without a trace.

That's the only answer.

 

[116933]

Well you've officially wussified yourself with your love notes, letting her walk all over you, treat you like crap and who knows what dude she's out there banging behind your back.

I hereby sentence you to NO contact with her for 100 years starting NOW. After the 100 year period is over you will be allowed to try to get her back. There will be no sappy goodbye or "I'm sorry I have to do this honey." You will simply vanish without a trace.

That's the only answer.

Thanks man - I appreciate the words. I knew all of this in my head - helps to have someone tell you specifically "NO" don't contact her.

This girl is a Hooters girl - she has no trouble meeting men and is so good at manipulating people it's ridiculous. She had more game then any girl I'd ever met - probably why I was so infatuated.

It REALLY bothers me that she was looking for validation, and a way out of her guilt and I gave it to her. I literally told her not to feel bad - that it's OK and she was just trying to make herself happy. Her and I both know she didn't deserve that - she treated me like ****. That will always bother me that I gave her what she wanted - and she did not deserve it.

I almost contacted her last night...but I woke up this morning so charged about life and glad I didn't. It's crazy how it can be night and day.

I've been hitting the gym like crazy, looking to upgrade my apartment, Im up for a promotion at my job. I'm a musician in spare time and musically things are better and happening to me more so then ever before. Most importantly I've met a few girls that I think are awesome.

I don't think there was anything I could say, or perfect line that would have made me look like a man again before I went NC. I just have to stop talking to her. It speaks volumes itself....and being silent makes people think about the reasons why. You end up reflecting on whats happened between you and another person...the things you could have done or said that created the silence on the other end.

5 years is a long time - a life-time is even longer with someone who walks all over you. Never again.

 

[MillerCharm]

Conclusion

People place higher value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and you make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted, don’t try to seduce them, NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes, don’t try to be friends, don’t change who you are or put on any acts, just cut them off and get on with your life. If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

This is old advice and a golden rule, but hopefully the examples I’ve given have helped illustrate and emphasise this point.

While what you are saying isn't wrong, it's not representing the actual truth of what the reality is. I plan on writing a thread about this when I am allowed to but I will give a short response now.

People need to understand the difference between their actions and what is prompting their actions. When we act, other people interpret our actions because our actions usually show what we're thinking.

So, you're right when you say to "back off" and "never explain yourself" etc. you are right in that that's how we should act, but that's not what will solve the problem.

When we back off, act like we don't care, don't beg to get back together, etc. we appeal to whoever just broke up with us because only someone who is confident, of high value, sure of themselves, comfortable with themselves, high self-esteem, etc. would act in such a way. The dependent dumpee wouldn't do any of these things. So, if you're heart broken and devastated that you just got dumped or rejected, you need to focus on what has caused you to get to this point, not how to pretend you're not feeling what you are.

The problem that needs to be fixed is within you. If you're going to work on something, realize that there's a difference between loving someone and feeling like you can't be without them. One is healthy, one isn't. Fix the crux of the problem. Shortcuts won't work. And if they do, it's only temporarily. Don't believe me? Then you're in denial. I've been through this.

The advice that we all hear that is so common comes from people who don't know the real issues. I have friends who aren't lovers like I am, they don't get emotional like I do, so they don't have a problem with just coming across like they don't care. For me to try and take advice like I should just act like I don't care I just got my heart ripped out is stupid...The real problem is that I need to work on why I got to the point in life where I feel like a break up or rejection is the end of the world.

The answers to these problems have to do with who we are on the inside, not how we come across to the outside world. After all, if you could choose, would you rather be able to pretend like you're a mack who doesn't care he's just been rejected, or REALLY BE THAT MACK WHO DOESN'T CARE he's been rejected or dumped because he's so confident in himself that being rejected and/or dumped doesn't lower his self-esteem or self-worth?

Keep chasing that tail and you'll keep having problems. Real players don't have to chase because the tail comes to them. Don't believe me? Look at nature. Examples are all around us. The secret is that to be that player, your goal can't be to be a player...your goal has to be to be the best you that you can be. And when you're the best you, when you start to shine, you'll be in a place where rejection doesn't bother you anymore.

 

[MillerCharm]

I've been hitting the gym like crazy, looking to upgrade my apartment, Im up for a promotion at my job. I'm a musician in spare time and musically things are better and happening to me more so then ever before. Most importantly I've met a few girls that I think are awesome.

I don't think there was anything I could say, or perfect line that would have made me look like a man again before I went NC. I just have to stop talking to her. It speaks volumes itself....and being silent makes people think about the reasons why. You end up reflecting on whats happened between you and another person...the things you could have done or said that created the silence on the other end.

I've been there. I went through a year of depression after a break-up with a girl I dated for 5 years. I know heartbreak better than I ever will. I've worked a lot on myself over the past two years though and I now see everything for how it really is. And it saddens me because so many people out there are like you and me and yet there is such little quality information that helps. But I think I can give you some advice that will really help.

Like how I was for about a year (she would contact me a lot), your mind is in the wrong place because the purpose seems to be about HER, not you.

Anyone who does NC because of the girl, to get her back, etc. is just setting themselves up for failure, either failure in the short term or long term. And trust me, you might think you succeeded because you get the girl back and marry her, but the problems that brought you to the point where you're on message boards and reading articles to get your girl back will still persist inside of you.

It really all has to do with you. I would suggest NC, but not to get her back. I would only suggest NC so that you can protect yourself. If you're doing NC to "teach her a lesson" like I did, then it's for the wrong reasons. If you're doing NC so she will want you, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. If you're doing NC so she'll call you 50 times a day crying for you to come back...yea, you get it.

It's like an onion. You THINK the problem is that she's perfect or that she's the one, but the issue is deeper than that. I know what love is. And I know what being dependent on someone is. I know what affection is and I know what feeling like your identity is wrapped up in a relationship is.

Most of the time, that horrible feeling we endure post-break-up has to do with personal insecurities, inadequacies, etc. After intense relationships, many of us lose a sense of who we are. We forget what makes us who we are. We forget that we don't need someone else. We forget what it's like to think of ourselves as an individual.

And for those of us who have, or have had very pretty girlfriends, it's even harder because after a while of dating them, we use her to validate ourselves. Maybe we don't look good one day, but we say to ourselves that we don't care because our girlfriend is hot, or we stop caring about hanging out with friends because we have a hot girlfriend and so we don't need anything else. We start becoming dependent on our girlfriend as a way to identify ourselves.

That's the real problem. That's what you need to work on. "Going to the gym and working out" is fine if it's because you like doing it. It's not fine if every time you're at the gym you're thinking about how sexy you're going to look so you can get more women so your ex will be jealous...

How does that make you feel? Do any of us want to be controlled by those thoughts/emotions? I know I don't.

It feels much better being happy to sit around all day with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with than it does to live life doing activities and going places so that you can impress your ex or make her jealous or show her how she missed out....

NC should be a time for you to work on yourself. When I started NC, I did it for one reason. I thought NC would make my ex go crazy!!! Which it did...until she wanted me back and then I went back to doing what it was that led to the break-up in the first place. So I did NC again because I wanted her to see what she missed out on...and kept doing it so that she would really suffer because I was so great that not talking to me would make her so sad! But that was just letting her control me. I had no control. Sure, I was not contacting her...big whoop. But guess what, even if she did care, I was the one living my life with her in the back of my mind, letting her control my moves, my decisions, my life...all in an attempt to get her back...

The real answer is that NC should be a way to give you time to work on yourself. But that doesn't mean you should work on yourself until she calls you begging for you to come back.... And if at any time you're hoping she does call, you're far from ready to be in any relationship again. You're dependent.

NC can also be a way to protect yourself if your ex won't leave you alone. I did NC for a long time simply because I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist her in the event she did want me back!

Now I could care less if she calls. I still love her and I still think about her, but it's real love. Would I date her again? Maybe. But that's irrelevant right now. I'm a much stronger man now than I ever was and it's all because I worked on me for the sole purpose of working one me...not so I could be a better me so my ex would take me back!

Like peeling an onion, sometimes you think you've dealt with the issue, but there are many many more layers. Question your feelings and emotions. Do you like the way you feel?

If you don't like the way you feel, don't just look for a way to stop the feeling, look for the cause of the feeling. Is it really a girl? Is it the fact she was perfect? Or is it that you lost your identity? You lost your purpose, your strength, your light....

 

[\O/]

I've been there. I went through a year of depression after a break-up with a girl I dated for 5 years. I know heartbreak better than I ever will. I've worked a lot on myself over the past two years though and I now see everything for how it really is. And it saddens me because so many people out there are like you and me and yet there is such little quality information that helps. But I think I can give you some advice that will really help.

Like how I was for about a year (she would contact me a lot), your mind is in the wrong place because the purpose seems to be about HER, not you.

Anyone who does NC because of the girl, to get her back, etc. is just setting themselves up for failure, either failure in the short term or long term. And trust me, you might think you succeeded because you get the girl back and marry her, but the problems that brought you to the point where you're on message boards and reading articles to get your girl back will still persist inside of you.

It really all has to do with you. I would suggest NC, but not to get her back. I would only suggest NC so that you can protect yourself. If you're doing NC to "teach her a lesson" like I did, then it's for the wrong reasons. If you're doing NC so she will want you, you're doing it for the wrong reasons. If you're doing NC so she'll call you 50 times a day crying for you to come back...yea, you get it.

It's like an onion. You THINK the problem is that she's perfect or that she's the one, but the issue is deeper than that. I know what love is. And I know what being dependent on someone is. I know what affection is and I know what feeling like your identity is wrapped up in a relationship is.

Most of the time, that horrible feeling we endure post-break-up has to do with personal insecurities, inadequacies, etc. After intense relationships, many of us lose a sense of who we are. We forget what makes us who we are. We forget that we don't need someone else. We forget what it's like to think of ourselves as an individual.

And for those of us who have, or have had very pretty girlfriends, it's even harder because after a while of dating them, we use her to validate ourselves. Maybe we don't look good one day, but we say to ourselves that we don't care because our girlfriend is hot, or we stop caring about hanging out with friends because we have a hot girlfriend and so we don't need anything else. We start becoming dependent on our girlfriend as a way to identify ourselves.

That's the real problem. That's what you need to work on. "Going to the gym and working out" is fine if it's because you like doing it. It's not fine if every time you're at the gym you're thinking about how sexy you're going to look so you can get more women so your ex will be jealous...

How does that make you feel? Do any of us want to be controlled by those thoughts/emotions? I know I don't.

It feels much better being happy to sit around all day with nothing to do and nobody to hang out with than it does to live life doing activities and going places so that you can impress your ex or make her jealous or show her how she missed out....

NC should be a time for you to work on yourself. When I started NC, I did it for one reason. I thought NC would make my ex go crazy!!! Which it did...until she wanted me back and then I went back to doing what it was that led to the break-up in the first place. So I did NC again because I wanted her to see what she missed out on...and kept doing it so that she would really suffer because I was so great that not talking to me would make her so sad! But that was just letting her control me. I had no control. Sure, I was not contacting her...big whoop. But guess what, even if she did care, I was the one living my life with her in the back of my mind, letting her control my moves, my decisions, my life...all in an attempt to get her back...

The real answer is that NC should be a way to give you time to work on yourself. But that doesn't mean you should work on yourself until she calls you begging for you to come back.... And if at any time you're hoping she does call, you're far from ready to be in any relationship again. You're dependent.

NC can also be a way to protect yourself if your ex won't leave you alone. I did NC for a long time simply because I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist her in the event she did want me back!

Now I could care less if she calls. I still love her and I still think about her, but it's real love. Would I date her again? Maybe. But that's irrelevant right now. I'm a much stronger man now than I ever was and it's all because I worked on me for the sole purpose of working one me...not so I could be a better me so my ex would take me back!

Like peeling an onion, sometimes you think you've dealt with the issue, but there are many many more layers. Question your feelings and emotions. Do you like the way you feel?

If you don't like the way you feel, don't just look for a way to stop the feeling, look for the cause of the feeling. Is it really a girl? Is it the fact she was perfect? Or is it that you lost your identity? You lost your purpose, your strength, your light....

Quality post, man.

 

[stormbringer]

Hi everyone, I have to admit first that this is surely a quality topic. Of course it is easy for someone with such an experience to see clearly while someone who is currently experiencing this is driven by fear. In this aspect it is always good to be able to read it and calm yourself before acting stupid.
I know everyone seems to believe his story is unique and this is because it actually is. In my case I was in two relationships for some time going back and forth between two girls, the new one had put up with almost anything and fought to win me.

Recently she told me that she can no longer live like this and she cannot stand me having contact with my ex, she met someone else and she is moving on. Initially I told her that there are no hard feelings but we would not be able to have any kind of contact. At hearing this she broke down and told me she wants me in her life. After a lot of pressure on her side I stupidly gave in, she came to get me of the airport and after sleeping together (without any sex) she became even more distant.

I went in to NC for a week but called her to find out that there was a serious health problem in her family (I checked it is true). I told her that I am there to help if she needs it but after this she never replied and I have gone to NC for a week now.

I know she was head over heels for me all this time and cannot understand how she manages to stay away since she is so impulsive.

Taking into account my previous behavior towards her as well as the health issue her family is facing do you still believe that strict NC is the correct approach? We do not have any people in common so it is hard to either learn about her or the other way around.

 

[stormbringer]

Update

This turns to a major textbook case. After a week of strict NC she calls back semi-broken. After a couple of: "I am busy, call me later", we talk and she is so sad. I refuse to "understand" the reason until she breaks into tears telling me I am what she wants even though the other guy treats her so well. They broke by phone and gonna meet him to finish it. Then I made two huge mistakes, stoo in the phone too much and followed her on her "how great was when we were together". She says to meet later and dissapears. Today she calls saying she finally did not break up. Luckily I managed to tell her that it woul not have made a change since I do not want t anymore. She insists we keep in touch and I turn her down kindly telling her it is final. Until I hang up she would not believe I would do it. Ideas?

 

[Pirlo21]

While what you are saying isn't wrong, it's not representing the actual truth of what the reality is. I plan on writing a thread about this when I am allowed to but I will give a short response now.

People need to understand the difference between their actions and what is prompting their actions. When we act, other people interpret our actions because our actions usually show what we're thinking.

So, you're right when you say to "back off" and "never explain yourself" etc. you are right in that that's how we should act, but that's not what will solve the problem.

When we back off, act like we don't care, don't beg to get back together, etc. we appeal to whoever just broke up with us because only someone who is confident, of high value, sure of themselves, comfortable with themselves, high self-esteem, etc. would act in such a way. The dependent dumpee wouldn't do any of these things. So, if you're heart broken and devastated that you just got dumped or rejected, you need to focus on what has caused you to get to this point, not how to pretend you're not feeling what you are.

The problem that needs to be fixed is within you. If you're going to work on something, realize that there's a difference between loving someone and feeling like you can't be without them. One is healthy, one isn't. Fix the crux of the problem. Shortcuts won't work. And if they do, it's only temporarily. Don't believe me? Then you're in denial. I've been through this.

The advice that we all hear that is so common comes from people who don't know the real issues. I have friends who aren't lovers like I am, they don't get emotional like I do, so they don't have a problem with just coming across like they don't care. For me to try and take advice like I should just act like I don't care I just got my heart ripped out is stupid...The real problem is that I need to work on why I got to the point in life where I feel like a break up or rejection is the end of the world.

The answers to these problems have to do with who we are on the inside, not how we come across to the outside world. After all, if you could choose, would you rather be able to pretend like you're a mack who doesn't care he's just been rejected, or REALLY BE THAT MACK WHO DOESN'T CARE he's been rejected or dumped because he's so confident in himself that being rejected and/or dumped doesn't lower his self-esteem or self-worth?

Keep chasing that tail and you'll keep having problems. Real players don't have to chase because the tail comes to them. Don't believe me? Look at nature. Examples are all around us. The secret is that to be that player, your goal can't be to be a player...your goal has to be to be the best you that you can be. And when you're the best you, when you start to shine, you'll be in a place where rejection doesn't bother you anymore.

This post should be framed. This is some of the best advice I have heard on here.

 

[robikas123]

Hey guys.

Found this forum/thread through surfing on Google. I'm not sure how active this board is anymore, but I'll give you my story (it's actually not ended, so I need some advice/help).

Before I go on, I want to thank every single guy on this thread who have posted valuable information. THANKS!

So lets start:

I was just dumped after 4,5 year relationships. We had extremely bad issues after 2,5 years since we both had mental breakdowns and we cheated eachother. She was cold to me several months (6?) and eventually started to have party and date other guys. She even got one rebound relationship which lasted 10 days I believe and somehow we got back together. Things were going quite well, she always talked about how our children look and how we look in the future.

However, I somehow let myself down (didnt work much, couldn't give any gifts, just hangount). In short I was ignoring him.

Suddenly she started to ignore me too and I knew that I have ****ed up this. I quickly tried to get her back by saying stupid things and begging (I believe many of us have done this) and she broke me up with me and said she needs some time.

She is now dating with another guy who is doing everything she wants etc and I believe she is quite happy right now. However, I'm not. I'm extremely depressed and don't know what to do next. I have ignored her 5 days now without calling. Before that she wasn't 100% sure that we will be back together or not so I answered "Alright, this is what you want, this is what you get. I'm not willing to wait for you or wait until your rebound relationships is ending etc.."

As I stated above, 5 days have past and I haven't done a single call/message. I believe this is the first time in the past 4,5 years I haven't been in contact with her for so long time (crazy uh?).

I believe she still misses me a bit, but I'm not 100% sure that she will call me again.

However, ONE thing I have learned during this relationship is that she is EXTREMELY jellious for me seeing other girls. She went always nuts about it. So, I DONT KNOW IF SHE STILL CARES ABOUT ME seeing other girls, but I thought I would give a shot.

See, I know one girl for a long time (we are just friends, we don't "love" eachother and wont do that in future either). I thought that maybe I will use her to show my girlfriend that I have moved on?

What you guys think? I can get this girl and walk past my ex-gf workshop so she would definitely see us (my "girl"friend is also satisfied with that. In fact, she thinks its fun... Maybe it's early, maybe I should wait. I don't know, but I know I want her back & can't stop thinking about her.

I'm struggling but I'm following your methods (ignoring).

So what are your suggestions/recommendations?

Cheers!

 

[Dgwizdal]

Best. Thread. Ever.

 

[mikey2012]

Great topic indeed, I’m sure this will help many people with their break up, but there are a few things that i want to add:

First off all, in my opinion you should never ever have to lie to girl, not to get her back, not to make her attracted to you, not to have sex with you.. Never!

What i mean with no lying is that you will never ever have to play games with her, or do anything that goes against your emotions. Instead.. get your emotions in order!

If you feel depressed and want to beg for her to come back, realize you’re and emotional wreck, and can’t function normal without her. (if you go to fast, realize your desperate. If you are clingy, realize you’re valuing her above yourself, if your jealous, realize you’re insecure. If you feel like saying I love you after 3 weeks, realize you’ve got serious issues)

Playing games and using reverse psygolochy doesn’t create a healthy relationship. I really don’t like if she would play the same games with me.. I see a lot of hot en cold tactics going on in books and stuff, but think about it: would you really like if a girl would play those games on you? NO! most of these tactics are based on making the other insecure.. I want a relation where we both feel good.

In my opinion you can always be sincere, even about your true feelings, and still get her attracted to you, or get her back after a break up.
The thing is you need a right mindframe to make the right decisions, by always being a alpha male you will take the right actions automaticly, not because you’ve read them on a forum. So the key is to get the right frame of mind and understand why you take certain actions, instead of just learning and doing them.

The BIG benefit of this is, that when you actually stand beyond everything you do and say it will have much more impact since it will be 100% sincere. If you’re saying you’re doing OK and it’s no big deal for you, you’re eyes and body language will always give you away, if you’re just saying this to get her back, without really meaning it.

For example: if at some point you say to her you really really like her, and after a while she starts to take you for granted because of this knowledge and loses interest. If you got your mind frame right, you will start to disapprove her actions because she isn’t showing her full affection, resulting in you not liking her as much as before, resulting in being indifferent to her losing interest. Which on her turn will make her realize you can’t be taken for granted and make her show more affection..

I didn’t read every post, but what i miss is that you’ll really need to work out for yourself why the breakup happened in the first place. And with that I mean, also take a good look at yourself. If you realize you made a mistake, for example by being to needy or clingy, fix this issue with yourself. You can win her back with your non contact tactics, but after she feels insecure and comes back to you, you will run into the same problems and another breakup is on its way.
Why this non contact thing works a lot of the times, it's that it’s the human reaction, that if the other one doesn’t apologize for his actions ( confirming the right decision), we’ll start to doubt ourselves, and looking for things we might have did wrong. By this way we’re letting her apologize for something she might not even done wrong. (I’m not saying It couldn’t be her fault). So it’s very important to realize what the real problem is, otherwise this will only be a temporary fix.

Most of the times a girl will not give you the real reason why she’s breaking up with you.

If you think you never did anything wrong, and you never have to apologize, you will refrain yourself from self improvement, and will run into the same problems again and again.

The second step is after you realized what you did wrong, is to let her know what you realized your mistakes and fixed them. Sometimes you have to show this by actions, for the needy example: be indeed having no contact, basically showing them you realized you don’t need them in your life to be happy. But in other cases by telling her, texting her or even write her a letter. I know this sound very AFC, but thrust me, it doesn’t have to be!

As long as you don’t result in begging, say anything to hurt her feelings purpose, try to convince her to like you etc. this can be a very effective way of getting her back.

The main importing thing is, to remain totally indifferent of the outcome. The basic idea is this: I’m sorry I did this, I realized I was wrong and I will work on it. I just wanted to get this of my chest, do with this information whatever you want. You can even say you feel really bad about it. (There is a big difference in feeling bad about losing her and depressed whining. You can feel bad about it and still get on with your normal life, have fun with friends etc. These thing are (should be) totally unrelated)

Since she now realizes the reason why she broke up with you has been solved and will no longer be an issue in the future, she will probably come back to you. (It’s really important to not contact her after this point unless you have something to add, the ball is now in her court)

My advice to you all is always be honest, and don’t act tougher (different) then you are. Chances are big she will see right through you as your eyes and body language will probably give you away. If she sees your trying to trick her, your done. ( If you text you going on anther date, she will know you just saying this to make her jealous, if you act like you don’t care about her leaving you, but she clearly knows you do, she will find you an even bigger loser).

The most important mind frame you need to have is that you don’t need her, and that if she decided to end things with you, that’s her decision, and you can only disagree and show her your vision, but don’t expect her to change her decision because of your vision. Let her figure out if she made the right decision on her own.

After recognizing your mistakes, letting her know you did, and how you feel about it, now realize you now did everything you can in your power (without begging, playing games, making her feel bad etc), and accept the fact that she’s making the mistake if she doesn’t change her mind. (Also realizing what you did wrong will make you accept why she left you and make you feel better about yourself as you won’t make the same mistake next time)

One more important thing I want to add is don’t make the mistake of taking the blame for something you didn’t do wrong! As I said, most of the times a girl will not give you the real reason why she’s breaking up with you, leaving you with false motives and confused. By apologizing for these things that are not really wrong with you, you will only show her more that you don’t get what you did wrong and she made the right decision.

Most of the time she will take a small argument and take it into a big deal and breaking you off. It will seem like that was the reason, but the real reason is she already didn’t care if things we’re going to be all right afterwards in the first place.

This is good advice. Dont act needy just highlight your POV. THIS WILL MAKE THEM THINK

 

[Jariel]

I'm coming off another break up in recent months and thought I'd drop in here to offer some of the wisdom of those experiences.

Many of the examples here still stand and when my girlfriend and I broke up, I did exactly what I preached here and went no contact. 50 days later, as expected, she made contact. She told me she still loved me, missed me and had never experienced what she had with me and would give anything to feel that again.

This was my chance to pull her back, BUT I fvcked it up!! And this is what I want everyone here to take note of.

I'd been playing it cool, rebuilding my life and myself after the break up and I disappeared from her life. I walked away with dignity, left her guessing and allowed my value to increase.

But instead of maintaining this coolness, I replied to her text instantly, pouring out my feelings and making it known I missed her and wanted her back.

All that time I'd spent rebuilding my value, was all undone in a single text. I returned to that available and accommodating guy she left behind, and in doing so the chase was over and I lost my challenge. Needless to say, she backed off and ended up leaving me in a worse state than before.

Never ever fall into that same state of complacency that I did. Never assume that the challenge is all over when she makes contact with you. You MUST maintain the cool indifference.

In fact, the only true way you can work things out with your ex is to heal first and get out of that needy state of mind. After a break up, we are thrown into survival mode, in much the same way as if we were threatened with danger. Our rational thinking gets pushed aside and our instincts take over and what was once a healthy attraction or even genuine love turns into this urgent, dependent obsession with getting her back. We become overwhelmed with insecurity and paranoia, start questioning our worth, start placing her on a pedestal and chasing her like our lives depend on it.

But this is the exact state of mind and behaviour that kills attraction, ruins relationships and drives women away.

Imagine you finish with your girl and a few months later you decide to meet up. She's gained 20lbs, her hair is greasy and she's stopped taking pride in her appearance. You're repulsed by what she's become. Would you take her back? No chance in hell, right? And this is exactly how your ex sees you when you're in that needy, emotional state of mind. She wants a man who can lead, who can be a pillar of strength, who she can look upto, not an emotional and dependent wimp.

Keep that in mind.

Elaborating on this further, you need to do a lot of reflecting during your break up and look at how it went wrong. What I recommend is that you look at the man you were when you attracted your ex. How did you behave? Were you confident, funny, in control, cool and casual? Now look at the man you were towards the end of the relationship and ask yourself if you were truly the same person. Most of the time guys will notice a huge inconsistency and see that they lost their independence, lost their challenge and lost sight of their game as they started to get comfortable.

Your goal now is to get back to being that man you used to be.

 

[mikey2012]

I'm coming off another break up in recent months and thought I'd drop in here to offer some of the wisdom of those experiences.

Many of the examples here still stand and when my girlfriend and I broke up, I did exactly what I preached here and went no contact. 50 days later, as expected, she made contact. She told me she still loved me, missed me and had never experienced what she had with me and would give anything to feel that again.

This was my chance to pull her back, BUT I fvcked it up!! And this is what I want everyone here to take note of.

I'd been playing it cool, rebuilding my life and myself after the break up and I disappeared from her life. I walked away with dignity, left her guessing and allowed my value to increase.

But instead of maintaining this coolness, I replied to her text instantly, pouring out my feelings and making it known I missed her and wanted her back.

All that time I'd spent rebuilding my value, was all undone in a single text. I returned to that available and accommodating guy she left behind, and in doing so the chase was over and I lost my challenge. Needless to say, she backed off and ended up leaving me in a worse state than before.

Never ever fall into that same state of complacency that I did. Never assume that the challenge is all over when she makes contact with you. You MUST maintain the cool indifference.

In fact, the only true way you can work things out with your ex is to heal first and get out of that needy state of mind. After a break up, we are thrown into survival mode, in much the same way as if we were threatened with danger. Our rational thinking gets pushed aside and our instincts take over and what was once a healthy attraction or even genuine love turns into this urgent, dependent obsession with getting her back. We become overwhelmed with insecurity and paranoia, start questioning our worth, start placing her on a pedestal and chasing her like our lives depend on it.

But this is the exact state of mind and behaviour that kills attraction, ruins relationships and drives women away.

Imagine you finish with your girl and a few months later you decide to meet up. She's gained 20lbs, her hair is greasy and she's stopped taking pride in her appearance. You're repulsed by what she's become. Would you take her back? No chance in hell, right? And this is exactly how your ex sees you when you're in that needy, emotional state of mind. She wants a man who can lead, who can be a pillar of strength, who she can look upto, not an emotional and dependent wimp.

Keep that in mind.

Elaborating on this further, you need to do a lot of reflecting during your break up and look at how it went wrong. What I recommend is that you look at the man you were when you attracted your ex. How did you behave? Were you confident, funny, in control, cool and casual? Now look at the man you were towards the end of the relationship and ask yourself if you were truly the same person. Most of the time guys will notice a huge inconsistency and see that they lost their independence, lost their challenge and lost sight of their game as they started to get comfortable.

Your goal now is to get back to being that man you used to be.

But sometimes they don't come back and if they do isn't easier to move on?

 

[SAYNO]

But sometimes they don't come back and if they do isn't easier to move on?

Ego wise i think its easier to move on when you know you have the last laugh ie. Her coming back to you after she dumps you. This is the mindstate i recommend for men. I dont allow them a second chance if they werent wise enough to see it the first time around. I always like to get things over with so i can get in to lifes next adventure. I love the look on a females face when they call themselves breaking up with me and wanting to see me hurt. I always agree with them and tell them its for the best. When they ask if they can be friends i say "sure" and then after that im off to the races. so i think its harder to move on when you lose all self respect and dignity on the way out, they see this and its game over. Like i said for me personally once they hit the eject button im out and i never ever look back. Btw once i adopted this mind set they always try to come back, but i in turn reject them and ignore all subsequent attempts at reconcilliation.