How to Handle Being Dumped, Stood Up, or Rejected

[TomTucker]

been there bro, everybody does, some even been married for 5 years or so and you if you think of it those two individuals went to so much deep realization that they are so in love that went to the point that they should marry.

But girls are girls. Im not married but back then I realized that whats more bummer than wife divorse you or cheated you.

I respect this thread and gotta tell you 80 percent it works.

BUT MY BEST ADVISE IS THIS.YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE ME RIGHT NOW AS ME EITHER DONT BELIVE IT WHEN SOMEONE TOLD ME THIS BEFORE..

THE NEXT GIRL IS ALWAYS THE BETTER GIRL. IT MAY TAKE TIME AND DO SOME HARD WORK BACK TO SCARCH AGAIN. BUT THE NEXT GIRL IS ALWAYS THE BETTER GIRL.

cant thank you enough for keeping it real with me bro. i really needed this. thank you again. and please, any other advice you feel like giving ill be happy to listen to

 

[OnTheWayUp]

This is in my opinion the single best thread on the entire forum. Anyone who has been dumped or flaked on, no matter what stage in the relationship process, should read the whole thing. It's a thread that is very relevant to many of the posts currently in the main discussion area, and it rings true for a situation that i found myself in last week.

Here's my story- it's a textbook example.

One of the girls I've been dating is the best looking girl I've ever been with by a mile. We had 4 dates in 5 weeks, all of which went amazingly well. I got her into bed at my place on the first date, dispite LMR. She is fun to hang around as well as attractive, and although I find her a little immature and not especially intelligent, I was about to drop the other girl I was seeing and make her my gf.

The girl beat me to it, and suggested that I drop the other girl that she knew I was seeing. My response was wrong, and it turned her off. In hindsight, I should have either deflected her (indirect) request for exclusivity to delay the issue, or accepted and made her my gf on the spot. Instead, I told her I liked her, and that I was looking for a relationship at some point this year to give me time to focus on my work. I told her I had dropped the other girl already, although this was a lie- I was preserving my options. I said I might be interested in a relationship with her, but not right now, but I was prepared to drop the other girl for her.

In that one moment, all the aloofness that I had spent the past weeks building up by not replying to all her texts, seeing her once a week etc - it was all shattered. She saw that my interest level was very very high, and although she likes me, it caused her to revaluate whether she was as interested in me as I apparently was in her. She has flaked on me twice this week, and has been very hesitant in replying to messages - assuming she's replied at all. She's been through personal difficulties this week, but I feel this is a side issue: an interested girl will make time for a lover in almost any circumstances.

I really like this girl, even though I have another one on the go. I recognise the mistake I made by showing my hand too quickly, and the only course of action available to me is to go NC and hope she comes back to me. As the many examples in this thread make clear, this is a win/win situation for me. If she comes back, I win. If she doesn't, she never liked me as much as I thought she did, and I dodged a bullet before getting more emotionally invested.

Masterful advice on this thread guys- take advantage of it.

 

[metoo]

if you'd get one from the 3rd world, you'd have a 5 year "warranty" on her. If you divorce her, back she goes to that sewer that she came from, and NONE of them want THAT.

 

[Carl]

Hey guys

I was dumped 4.5 months ago and agreed with the break up even though it hurt like hell and I didn't see it coming. I contacted her after 4 weeks of NC (Stupid I know) etc. I asked her to meet up, she agreed. Two days before the arrangement she cancelled and arranged another day. I agreed but just 3 hours before we were due to meet she cancelled again. She said she couldn't make it and arranged another day I replied that I couldn't make it.

No contact now for over 3 months. She has been in two relationships since and has moved in with her new BF. That blew me away.

I stayed NC and she didn't reach out once.

Either NC doesn't work on all girls or I was with a psycho. Any thoughts?

 

[xXAspiringDJXx]

Im new to this Carl. But my advice on this one is to MOVE ON. Even if at some point she does decide to come back, you have put yourself through THREE MONTHS of torture…..she isn't worth that. Work on yourself, forget about that dumb B and find someone else. The no contact is simply ment as a last resort, it's no guarantee. The whole point of this site, so far as i can see, is to avoid letting her get to the point where she leaves you in the first place. No contact is not only ment to be a last resort, it's ment to let you take the time you need to focus on yourself and heal from the lose, her possibly coming back is only a perk. Hope that helps, cheers.

 

[xXAspiringDJXx]

Now for my AFC story ( one of many unfortunately, hopefully the last )
This is really fresh, only over the last few weeks. Ashlie and I went on a few dates, i used some DJ tactics that i had learned from other sources, and it was working. You know, things like being resistant to hanging out, being ****yfunny, calling her on her bull****. Before i new it she was eating out of my hand…..But then, i got comfortable. I turned right back into an AFC. Complimenting her all the time, cooking her dinner, taking her out to dinner, bringing her lunch….did she pay someitimes? Yes. Did she buy me drinks for an entire night or two? Yes. But I didnt let her do it enough. I even took her to a different town for a get away with my friends and paid for the entire ordeal. She even txted me at one point and said " You spoil me ". That should have been a wake up call right there….but noooo. She started staying at my house 6 nights a week, and when she wanted to stay at her own house, i would push her to come stay with me ( bad i know ). Dont get me wrong, there was a few times she wanted to hand out even after i turned back into the AFC, i resisted, but gave into her wishes and hung out with her. Then, as im sure any experienced DJ can see coming….I got the " I need space " excuse. I reacted like a typical AFC…txting, calling…then i found this sight. I read the good advice and did end up putting it to use….but only for about a week, then i gave in again…like an idiot. She eventually called me and explained that she just wanted to be friends….I was polite and said that would be fine, but i needed to contact for while…Good move. Then, i got drunk…bad move. Txted her telling her that she had screwed me over, that i was just a rebound ( she just dumped her "******* ex two months ago" ). She eventually got sick of it and told me to lose her number. I continued trying to get ahold of her and apologized through txt for my actions. She wont answer any of my calls now. Havent called her for two days. Pretty damn sure this is a lost cause, but thought i would ask for some thoughts anyways…..Any advice?

 

[Jariel]

Carl: No contact isn't a magic formula to win back women I'm afraid. There is no magic formula. But the worst case scenario here is that you get to move on with your life instead of clinging to some futile hope, or spending your time thinking up strategies and torturing yourself.


AspiringDJ: All I would say is to look at the post you wrote above as it's very solid advice. It sounds like you failed to go no contact with her and unfortunately you have shown her exactly what she feared - that you're an emotional liability. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear, but it's best to be straight.

Women are more likely to take a chance with a guy and see where it goes if they believe they can bail or change their mind at any point without consequences. Gradually, as you build familiarity and invest more time into each other, she may develop feelings and you can move forward. But if you lay it all on way too quickly, it's going to scare her off. I've done it many times before and it looks like this is exactly what you have done here.

Sometimes if you can go no contact for a good length of time (months), she may reflect on what was good about you and come back in her own time. But the more you pressure her, the more she will run.

 

[TomTucker]

say me and an ex gf are at a party together and she decides she wants to hook up. i ask this not because i plan on sleeping with her but just in case it comes up.

is it best to just brush it off? would that be her way of trying to see if im available? should i just sleep with her and then act disinterested afterwards, like it was just a random hookup and im not attached?

again, im not looking to hook up or get back with her. we broke up a few months ago and i havent made any effort to talk to her, but we do have the same circle of friends so we have seen each other occasionally, and i get the feeling she may try and make a move at some point. i just want to be prepared in case it happens.

 

[Viagra4Soul]

Carl: instead of clinging to some futile hope

THIS is the magic bullet for anyone who has been dumped or rejected.

Give up hope.

It's the hope that gives you pain and tortures your mind.

It's the hope that makes you feel like there is something you can, or could have done, to change the situation to your liking.

Give up hope, and the pain will disappear, and you are ready to move on.

 

[thebrownman]

THIS is the magic bullet for anyone who has been dumped or rejected.

Give up hope.

It's the hope that gives you pain and tortures your mind.

It's the hope that makes you feel like there is something you can, or could have done, to change the situation to your liking.

Give up hope, and the pain will disappear, and you are ready to move on.

I can't stress how true this is.

I used to always think about girls that I would go out on dates with hoping I could get a second date or hoping that she would contact me. Eff all that. Give up hope, your junk will thank you.

 

[Jariel]

A different kind of result

To get to the point, I developed oneitis for a girl about a month ago, we hit it off incredibly well, I stayed over and her house, we had sex and went to sleep cuddling. Things got real heavy real fast. Personally, I couldn't have been happier until she rejected me out of the blue, claiming she needs her space and isn't ready to get involved with anyone.

I was devestated. Nonetheless, I accepted the rejection with dignity and just sent her a short reply: "That's fine babe, let's just put it down to a bit of fun. No hard feelings."

My stomach churned and ached for days as I moped around feeling depressed. I admit, it did cross my mind to text her or try to find some explanation, but I resisted as I knew it was futile. Besides, I'd had such a good experience with her, I wanted to remember it fondly.

I met a girl the following weekend, took her number and went on a date. She was an awesome girl, totally my type and we had a great time, but my mind was still focused on the one who rejected me. A few days later, I started to feel better about my rejection and it felt good to have a new girl in my life who seemed very keen and very cool. I knew I should give her a chance. We went on another date and had an even better time. We got quite passionate and had great conversations.

A week passed and I found myself focusing less on the girl who rejected me and more on this new girl. I've now been on 5 dates with this girl and we're getting on amazingly well. It's still too soon to say where we are heading, but the point is, by moving on I've met someone who I enjoy being with and look forward to seeing.

Had I put my time into chasing the first chick, writing texts or emails, hoping she'll change her mind, I would never have given this new girl a chance and would've missed out on some great dates.

Now, it doesn't matter if the first chick contacts me again or not. I've moved on and things are good!

 

[Majestyc]

I really enjoyed reading the examples given here. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Alex DeLarge]

My oneitis

Hey guys, my case is a bit extreme. I'm only 22 but have been best friends with this girl since I was 14.. We go way back. Over the past summer we kissed for the first time, but then she also made out with one of my best friends and had sex with him when she resisted escalation with me. I was pretty heated at him about doing that, but then I thought "Well, what would a don juan do?" and realized it was stupid to be angry with him just over a woman.. On the other had, I went NC with the girl for about a month. She called and texted me everyday, but I ignored her until she called me before she was getting on her flight to Europe, I just wanted to wish her a safe flight.

At that point she confessed to me about fvcking my best friend and how she was drunk and thought he was me (we were all on a trip at a beach cottage). I called her out and told her she was full of sh1t, but I then said "It doesn't matter.. We just know we aren't right for each other. I don't want to talk about this, have a safe flight and a great time in Europe." and hung up.

A month later, she returned and I had a new girlfriend and just got exclusive with her. My oneitis girl kept making advances on me and I said "Remember what I said before? We're not right for each other.. I like you more as a friend anyways" (Of course I didn't, she's smoking hot but I'm not going to let some b1tch fvck my best friend and get away with it.) Well after I told her this she just lunged forward and started kissing me. This was at a bar too.. I sorta pushed her away and told her to come outside with me and gave her a talking to.

Well the problem was.. My girlfriend at the time dated a bartender at this bar and dumped him for me. The guy fvcking saw this happen, texted her, and she came down and saw me with this girl for herself and broke it off with me. Girl was great too! solid HB8 with a great rewarding job standing on her own two feet. I was pretty depressed about it, but I realized I would've done the same if I was her.. What can you do.

Another time, I was talking to this really cute HB9 from class who I had gone out with the previous weekend and my one-itis came up and hugged me asking what we were doing that weekend. The HB9 walked away and wasn't really interested in going out a second time lol..

It sucks cause I really do like my one-itis as a friend.. But she just keeps ruining my other plates. (She's really fvcking hot and I think the other girls get intimidated by the competition). But this girl is just not qualified whatsoever for me. She parties with her girlfriends and fvcks random guys she meets at concerts, she's ruined a possible great relationship (or I ruined it for myself by not kicking my one-itis out of my life), and she fvcked my best friend on a trip I invited her on.

I think I really need to just get rid of this girl all together. The more I type this, the more I get pissed off just thinking about her. She's an insecure b1tch who needs constant male validation. Yet, I still have one-itis for her. I think I just need to find another woman.

 

[Jariel]

Alex: She sounds like bad news and an emotional drain. You would definitely be better off without her in your life, but oneitis is never that reasonable is it? When you get it, it's hard to think what's in your best interests and to think objectively.

To be honest though, this is the sort of girl I would use and manipulate with no guilty conscience. I'd treat her badly, blow hot and cold, and try to bang her...then ignore her until I was horny again. But that all depends on whether you can keep your feelings in check.

Here's what I'd do. I'd go cold and ignore her for a while and wait until she's chasing you and her interest is high. I'd then start sending her sexual texts, starting with some light innuendo and pushing it further, until you're telling her what you want to do to her and describing fantasies. If she is not responding well or takes offence, just stop texting altogether. No apologies, no explanations, just silence. But if she does respond, then this is your chance to work on getting her horny and build that sexual tension. Then banging her should be easy.

This is what I do once I've disqualified a chick as relationship material. I get into the mindset that I will just go all out and I don't give a damn if I offend them or scare them off. Some girls will back off, but most seem to respond very well. Once you get that "I don't give a damn" attitude, you'll gain a lot of control.

 

[Jariel]

Good to see that things are finally working out the way you wanted, Jariel. I'm happy for you.

Out of curiosity, do you think you did anything differently with this current girl, because of which she didn't give you the "i'm not ready for a relationship" speech after date # 1? Possibly, at the early stages you were still yearning for the "oneitis" and as such, inadvertently, did not appear too eager for this one?

Thanks mate. She's a great girl, though still very early stages.

Yes, I have been very different with this girl. Firstly, because I was on the rebound from my oneitis, I think I was naturally quite cool with her. And secondly, I've purposely avoided acting too keen. I've kept text messages to a minimum, avoided any soppy compliments or any of the heavy stuff. I've also held back from having sex with her. I expect it'll happen soon and we did fool around on our 3rd date, but I'm trying to hold off a bit longer to see if it makes a difference. To be honest I prefer it this way. The risk of having sex on the 1st/2nd date is that you don't have anywhere to go after that, whereas by holding off, I'm getting to enjoy the build up, the sexual tension and the heavy flirting more.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Calling All Pro Players - Bro In Distress

Hey guys, This is a long one!!!!! 3.5 years! A few basics...Love at first site, knew her mother. shes a 9.5 looks, sex 9.5, intelligence 10.. shes very upper class - dad is a lord - shes real exclusive material, and although ive been playin since the 90's with all kinds of girls this one is rare groove. A few months in and her playa credentials start to show - i feel it and dumped her. She came back, she went on hol while we were apart and got banged. When we got back she told me but i forgave. A series of highs and lows occurs till she tells me shes movin abroad. She goes and i try friendzone. I have an ill relative who dies, i get depressed and she just ignores all contact...COLD *****!!!!! She comes back in summer that year - i hadnt spent a day without thinkin about her. She sees me in a car with a girl and contacts. For two weeks sex till she goes back. month of late night calls when she goes back (think shes bangin a guy out there but what do i know) THEN NOTHING...AGAIN!!!!!! Fell devastated, depressed, heartbroken....... Then i meet a new girl...all good till ***** comes back and asks how i am..... i boast about new girl, and she wants to meet, i get my balls out and say na thanks...twice she trys, twice i say na... then a few months later i see her driving (havent not stopped thinking about her, i call her, a few texts and we agree to meet. Meet and have sex and im hooked. im still with the other new girl. See them both for 3 months, feelin bad cos the new girl is not a playa and didnt deserve it. Old girlf says theres a chance if i drop the new one. I say not till we worked out thru counselling the problems. We go to it, and she demands that i dump the new (i didnt feel anywhere as attracted to the new one) I dump the new one AND THE VERY NEXT DAY THE OLD ONE DUMPS ME........ I send one text begging, then send one to say thats it-finished. That was 3 months ago....complete NC. Let this be advice from a 80+ numbers man to all the young DJ's out there - be guarded with playas. And to all you old hands - WTF is her physcology????????? Sorry its so so long, but as u have seen. This is weird...... PLEASE HELP!

 

[Spearmint]

I have come across your post from years ago on here on how to handle being stood up and dumped.

You mention it it with examples of being scarce and her interest levels will come back.


Basically without typing it all again the situation is here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=190879


However after reading your post today, I realise I haven't acted 100% to what you advise.


She has said she was taking time and space to think and wants to be my friend but then today she said to me that

Her friend had been on my laptop when we were all together and seen my history on my computer and had seen I had been on the internet discussing my problem that I have right now and she was told


She now says she was creeped out by the fact I was talking to a 'stranger' about it and that she isn't going to take time and space or whatever and she just wants to stay friends or "whatever I want"



I said to her she was just using the fact I had spoken to someone about my situation, as an excuse and found it "creepy" to make herself feel better

She stormed off


When I go back home should I just not speak to her at all, will being distant etc still work?

 

[B-ri]

Sorry for wakening an old thread, but I've been reading through it and there's invaluable advice here. I made another thread about this but this would be a better place for it I think. From other thread:





Ok so long story short, I've been seeing a girl for 6 months, and her ex has been pestering her to get back with him this whole time.

About a month ago she started acting distant, not texting and basically disappeared for a while. I asked her what was up but didn't want to push her. She said it's because her grandmum has been in hospital and only has a couple of weeks to live, and her and her mum have gotten really depressed over it. (She suffers from depression and her mum is worse). So she said she's just been antisocial. A few days ago I got her to meet up. This was the first time I'd seen her in a month. We went for a walk in the park, went for a drink, dinner and a movie. Thought things were back to normal. Then I walk her home, she goes for a hug and I go for a kiss. She stops me and says "I don't think it's a good idea... I'll tell you why later". So later she tells me that she doesn't think it's right for us to continue being intimate. Basically she's trying to LJBF me.

What's pissed me off is that when we were out, we took photos together, and usually she puts everything on Facebook. But they never went online. Then the day after she was out with her ex, and all the pictures they took together went up straight away.

This guy has made EVERY mistake in the book, constantly pestering/stalking her, getting angry at her for seeing me, breaking down in front of her and crying MULTIPLE times, saying he still loves her, and then flirting with other girls in front of her two seconds later. He basically intends to make her feel like **** every time they meet (which is 2 or 3 times a week) and she tells me about it every time, telling me how crap he's made her feel. I got bored hearing it. He's being doing this for 6 MONTHS, and she STILL chooses him over me?

So basically in the last texts she said:

"I dont know how to say it, I just don't think we can kiss etc. anymore"

I said: "Ok well in that case we're going to have to meet again to discuss it. It can wait til you're back from your mum's"

She said "Ok we can meet to talk about it. We are always fighting about it because I need to be alone and that isn't fair on you. I just don't think it was right for this to start, or continue"


So now my problem is, do I just go completely NC from here, or do I go round to her house and tell her that it's fine that she wants time alone, but I'm not sticking around to be her emotional tampon and I just don't have time for her anymore? Then tell her I need to get my stuff? She has my laptop and I kind of need it back...




After posting this I thought maybe it's a better idea to just go NC, but wait til she's away and call round to get my stuff when it's just her flatmates in.

 

[Renegade357]

Awesome stuff in here guys. Hats off to you Jariel. You all have been fighting the same battles I've been fighting over the years.

My biggest take aways based on the past posts:
1. New line for you: Once you're out, you're out.

If you want any hope of getting another shot at the girl you'll be taking a huge risk of wasting a whole lot of time and effort. I promise you she's not worth either. You have to ask yourself if you're already ruined your chances in how you acted post-breakup. Any sort of begging/text bombing/scheming/pleading/logic arguing with the girl will pretty much ruin your chances forever. Sorry to say that. If however you are quick on your feet and not too blind to see that she is losing interest in you in the early stages you have a chance. The point is if you feel like you're about to get run over by a freight train get off the tracks immediately. Vanish, you never existed to this girl. This girl needs to be wondering if you were nothing but a distant memory. A figment of her imagination.

2. The hard part: The one who cares the least controls the relationship.

Yeah, so if you're lucky enough to get her chasing you after a successful period of no contact you'll need even more luck pretending that you care about her less than she does about you. You see some examples of no contact working for several guys on here but most of them fail because things just revert back to how they were when she lost interest in you. You've got somehow pull off a professional acting job with your dream girl. Like I said, Good Luck with that.

3. No contact by default.
Wanna be a real man? Have the balls to walk away from a girl you're in love with and not look back. I mean what's tougher than that? Go into no contact with the attitude that you're not going to win. Move on and improve yourself. Who knows, maybe you'll be in the lucky 1% of guys who actually do end up getting their dream girl back.

Oh yeah, just for validation I am currently about 6 weeks into no-contact with a girl I was crazy about. Dated her for a few months, she went distant, I called her out on it and disappeared completely. Haven't heard from her since. If I do i'll let you know. In the mean time I'm moving on like I always do. Back to war!

 

[Renegade357]

Thought I'd add one thing.

Seems like the other common theme from getting a response from no-contact is that the girl comes back after she strikes out with whatever guy she left you for. This is a common theme with my successes using no-contact. It has worked for me several times but it's always after they lose interst in the chump they left you for. Usually after taking these harpies back it doesn't last long. It's just never the same and if you don't dump them first they will screw you again in the end. The reality is they just aren't that into you and probably never will be.