The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[HenBogan]

Day 20

It’s been 13 days since she asked me if she could come over; I ignored her 3 messages and I’ve heard nothing since…

So a few days ago, of all the mother fking coincidences, I turn the corner and I’m behind her in the car… I flashed her and waved, drove past her (twin lane) and she was bolt rigid and blanked me… To be expected I guess.

I felt sick to the stomach…

Still the days pass and the time between us grows and I have learnt so much about my behaviour. I absolutely love who I am but the mistakes and tests I failed within the relationship are grotesque. Small steps, towards having more control of my emotions and not allowing others to affect them.

You are never too old to learn…….

The mornings are still horrendous!

 

[dude99]

Day 20

It’s been 13 days since she asked me if she could come over; I ignored her 3 messages and I’ve heard nothing since…

So a few days ago, of all the mother fking coincidences, I turn the corner and I’m behind her in the car… I flashed her and waved, drove past her (twin lane) and she was bolt rigid and blanked me… To be expected I guess.

I felt sick to the stomach…

Still the days pass and the time between us grows and I have learnt so much about my behaviour. I absolutely love who I am but the mistakes and tests I failed within the relationship are grotesque. Small steps, towards having more control of my emotions and not allowing others to affect them.

You are never too old to learn…….

The mornings are still horrendous!

Keep your chin up. We are all human. Stay the course, as now you know trying to talk to her or text or what ever will be a waste of effort. As you put it she was bolt rigid and blanked you. even though she was in another car she knew it was you. I find people always have a way of telling you how to treat them. Now you know exactly how to react to anything she does from now on.

Bolt rigid and you blank her. She gets nothing.

If she texts, ignore delete. If she sends anything from social media, delete, block. If she phones, swipe left. If you see her in public, bolt rigid and blank and carry on with your day.

It will get easier for you. Stay the course.

 

[goodbyehorses]

Hi everybody.
13th day NC for me.

Feel a bit out of place here, because I'm demisexual, meaning I need a strong emotional connection with someone (the kind you need months of 'friendly' aquaintance to build) to feel sexual abot him/her. So I find very difficult to think to have sex within the first 2-3 dates, to initiate kino soon, etc. [This is mainly a problem because girls will easily misunderstand your behaviour as lack of sexual interest and put you in the friendzone.] But I found some helpful insights in the whole 'alpha male' theories, and especially the NC concept; I am reading the whole of this thread, I am at page 80 and will keep on reading.

Decided yesterday to register and share the evolution of my NC challenge here.

Some infos about my story: met this younger girl (first problem: age gap, it is a sort of taboo for her, not for me), didn't feel attracted a bit for the first months, I knew her mainly to get infos about another person I was interested in. We kept going out as friends, until some months after, I began to feel like caring too much for just a 'friend'; just a few weeks into that, she began telling me things like I was her strongest 'crush' ever, I was the men of her dreams, etc.

BUT I still didn't feel attracted to her, until some months past that, when I began to fall very deep for her also sexually. But I knew how much the age gap was a problem for her, moreover, she is bi and never had sex with men. So I decided to open up my heart to her through words - first great error, I know. She told me she only thinks of me as a friend, I decided to give our friendship a chance, but in the next months I saw her interest go lower and lower, and wanting to go out less, telling me some little lies, flaking, etc. WHILE being MORE and MORE jealous about my other aquaintances and admirers (yes, I have a few, I have 'options' if I wanted), and for example, I wanted to go out with some of her friends, but she never 'allowed' me to do it ('I will never talk to you again if you contact them!').

So I gave her a last chance to put up, she didn't take it (just kept repeating it wasn't true she was just toying with me and she wasn't interested anymore etc. but not giving excuses or trying to make amend), I closed with her, just hug her and walked away. Two weeks after I sent her an email (which I had written weeks before), it was a planned move, Just wanted her to know I still cared for her although not rethinking my decision. No answers, there it began my NC (also on social media, I don't know anything about what she's doing).

SO today I saw two of her friends, had lunch with them, they've been very nice and friendly with me, they also asked questions about why we don't go out anymore, and told me they also had some similar issues with her, they think she's BPD or DOC, or maybe just immature and lacking empathy. I will see them again, hope to fall in love maybe [she is studying abroad just now, will be back next month], or maybe just new friends, all I know is that today I just felt good and happy for the first time in a month.

As I said earlier, apart for these two, I go out with other girls, so I have 'options' if I wanted to; I have plenty of friends, I work, volunteer, and have many many distractions, just stopped exercise for the summer but I will begin again soon. Still feel VERY bad at the thought of her having sex with someone else, or just what she did to me (I admit I indulge myself with alcohol sometimes to keep up), but I hope to be wholly healed soon.

 

[dude99]

Hi everybody.
13th day NC for me.

Feel a bit out of place here, because I'm demisexual, meaning I need a strong emotional connection with someone (the kind you need months of 'friendly' aquaintance to build) to feel sexual abot him/her. So I find very difficult to think to have sex within the first 2-3 dates, to initiate kino soon, etc. [This is mainly a problem because girls will easily misunderstand your behaviour as lack of sexual interest and put you in the friendzone.] But I found some helpful insights in the whole 'alpha male' theories, and especially the NC concept; I am reading the whole of this thread, I am at page 80 and will keep on reading.

Decided yesterday to register and share the evolution of my NC challenge here.

Some infos about my story: met this younger girl (first problem: age gap, how young is she? it is a sort of taboo for her, not for me), didn't feel attracted a bit for the first months, I knew her mainly to get infos about another person I was interested in. she saw you as a challenge here. We kept going out as friends, until some months after, I began to feel like caring too much for just a 'friend'; just a few weeks into that, she began telling me things like I was her strongest 'crush' ever, I was the men of her dreams, etc. when your interest was low/you friendzoned her she wanted you huge.

BUT I still didn't feel attracted to her, until some months past that, when I began to fall very deep for her also sexually. But I knew how much the age gap was a problem for her, i was under the impression the age gap bothered you. She crushed on you first. moreover, she is bi and never had sex with men. So I decided to open up my heart to her through words - first great error, this will drive her interest level down. Show her. Do not tell her. I know. She told me she only thinks of me as a friend you stopped being a challenge., I decided to give our friendship a chance, but in the next months I saw her interest go lower and lower, right here is when you should have just walked away and nexted her and wanting to go out less, telling me some little lies, flaking, etc. WHILE being MORE and MORE jealous about my other aquaintances and admirers this is when you cut her from your life and never speak to her again. she is using you for validation and wanting to keep you available for her ego and getting jealous when you have other interests. Nope. (yes, I have a few, I have 'options' if I wanted), and for example, I wanted to go out with some of her friends, but she never 'allowed' me to do it ('I will never talk to you again if you contact them!'). unless she is filling your stomach or giving you sex on your schedule who does she think she is?

So I gave her a last chance to put up, she didn't take it (just kept repeating it wasn't true she was just toying with me and she wasn't interested anymore etc. but not giving excuses or trying to make amend), next. I closed with her, just hug her and walked away. walking away is the best thing to do here. Two weeks after I sent her an email (which I had written weeks before), it was a planned move, Just wanted her to know I still cared for her mistake although not rethinking my decision. No answers, there it began my NC (also on social media, I don't know anything about what she's doing).

SO today I saw two of her friends, had lunch with them, they've been very nice and friendly with me, they also asked questions about why we don't go out anymore, and told me they also had some similar issues with her, they think she's BPD or DOC, or maybe just immature and lacking empathy. I will see them again, hope to fall in love maybe [she is studying abroad just now, will be back next month], or maybe just new friends, all I know is that today I just felt good and happy for the first time in a month.

As I said earlier, apart for these two, I go out with other girls, so I have 'options' if I wanted to; I have plenty of friends, I work, volunteer, and have many many distractions, just stopped exercise for the summer but I will begin again soon. Still feel VERY bad at the thought of her having sex with someone else, or just what she did to me (I admit I indulge myself with alcohol sometimes to keep up), but I hope to be wholly healed soon.

Comments are in bold, this girl is a colossal waste of time. I know you are already NC-- keep it that way and invest your time in better quality women.

 

[goodbyehorses]

Comments are in bold, this girl is a colossal waste of time. I know you are already NC-- keep it that way and invest your time in better quality women.

Thank you @dude99 , great insights.
Great age gap, I prefer not to specify more. Yes it bothered me but only because I knew what a huge problem it was for her. I know she crushed on me but always kept reminding her taboo about the age gap, in general, not only about me, she rejected also other people because of that problem.

The time I saw her interest lowering without remedy, I went NC. I don't think my email was a mistake though, it was a planned move and I sent it for myself, I didn't want to leave the closure somewhat bitter on my side, because sexual attraction came in a second moment; first I was her friend, I cared for her as such and I still do in some way.

I understand that I might have been some kind of a challenge for her in the first months. But I have to say, I have many female friends, which I began seeing just as that - friends. They were friends for me in the beginning, they knew it, they never showed me any other kind of interest (neither did I) and it all stayed there. She did with me something completely different, there must be some difference in this case from other females I befriended.

BUT, overthinking about this **** is just a waste of time. She's needing to **** the first person she meets, who doesn't give a **** about her but has the right age and she feels attractive, maybe she's doing it right now, it hurts as hell to think about that but life goes on. Heading over day 14.

 

[goodbyehorses]

Day 15.

Just came back from an exciting weekend in a thermal town, didn't go there for the thermal bath though, but for a consociate volunteer meeting I attended, with many friends and unknown people from all the country. I had an almost free overnight stay in a luxury hotel, great meals, talks, projects, outdoor activities and fun.

BUT. Tonight I just slept 1-2 hours, my mind was always set upon "her", what she did to me, what she might be doing... ; in my brief sleep I had a TERRIBLE nightmare about my mother getting seriously ill (she isn't, at the moment!). And, while traveling back home I felt very bad and I feel quite bad right now. Saw a girl from Rome which I liked very much, felt seriously attracted to her, but she had a bf AND what's worst, she was stunningly similar to "my one", it just made things harder for me.

I MUST get rid of this situation. I can't keep on like this, I want back my happiness. I have decided that I HAVE to get out this pit at any cost. I KNOW that time will do the job but I still can't accept having to go through the whole process and I don't know how long I can manage this pain.

 

[HenBogan]

Day 15.

Just came back from an exciting weekend in a thermal town, didn't go there for the thermal bath though, but for a consociate volunteer meeting I attended, with many friends and unknown people from all the country. I had an almost free overnight stay in a luxury hotel, great meals, talks, projects, outdoor activities and fun.

BUT. Tonight I just slept 1-2 hours, my mind was always set upon "her", what she did to me, what she might be doing... ; in my brief sleep I had a TERRIBLE nightmare about my mother getting seriously ill (she isn't, at the moment!). And, while traveling back home I felt very bad and I feel quite bad right now. Saw a girl from Rome which I liked very much, felt seriously attracted to her, but she had a bf AND what's worst, she was stunningly similar to "my one", it just made things harder for me.

I MUST get rid of this situation. I can't keep on like this, I want back my happiness. I have decided that I HAVE to get out this pit at any cost. I KNOW that time will do the job but I still can't accept having to go through the whole process and I don't know how long I can manage this pain.

Have you tried meditation for the sleeping?

I am 22 days in and sleeping isn't great, still feel sick most of the days, but meditation is helping a bit and can help to clear your mind.. It Could help...

 

[goodbyehorses]

Have you tried meditation for the sleeping?

I am 22 days in and sleeping isn't great, still feel sick most of the days, but meditation is helping a bit and can help to clear your mind.. It Could help...

Thank you @HenBogan. I don't usually have issues with sleeping or eating, but tonight I did, don't know why, maybe for the different context I was in, maybe because I did think less about her during the day and bad emotions came back to get me at night.

I have a long practice of years of meditation, but in these days I just can't keep myself still, bad emotions get to me physically when I try to relax, read, or just keep silent with myself, I just have to deal with them in a dynamic way (which isn't always possible, of course, so - shame on me - I turn to alcohol).

Let's keep up with NC and hope it won't take too much time brother.

 

[bcude]

Meditation is great if you guys can manage but i struggle with the discipline myself to do it continously, motivation usually not a problem after a breakup though. Most effective thing i know of to get over the one you think about is physical activity and time. Hitting the gym did wonders for me personally, it improves your sleep from the the physical exhaustion, it builds your confidence back up transforming your body, the boost of testosterone almost feels like doping (self explanatory) and of course you look better and raise your value, which is a nice "side effect". Try it.

 

[HenBogan]

Thank you @HenBogan. I don't usually have issues with sleeping or eating, but tonight I did, don't know why, maybe for the different context I was in, maybe because I did think less about her during the day and bad emotions came back to get me at night.

I have a long practice of years of meditation, but in these days I just can't keep myself still, bad emotions get to me physically when I try to relax, read, or just keep silent with myself, I just have to deal with them in a dynamic way (which isn't always possible, of course, so - shame on me - I turn to alcohol).

Let's keep up with NC and hope it won't take too much time brother.

There are guys our there rooting for you..

First and foremost, don't give yourself a hard time, whatever it takes.. Each day you move forward is a good day...

It's strange, I actually wrote brother at the end of my message and then removed it, I don't know why...

No matter what, we know it will get better and I am thankful I've found this place even at my age..

Folk here are at different stages, there is a lot of straight talk and I like it... That does not help, I know, but hopefully the generosity of information shared here will stop this happening again, for all of us in this situation....

Keep posting brother and thanks again to everyone who contributes...

 

[goodbyehorses]

I really see all of us who are in a similar situation as brothers, regardless of age, we can read in this and other threads that things like these can happen to young boys of 16 just as to full grown men of 50 and more.

I know it's utopia but I would really like to join you and others here personally, for a drink and having fun together and talking of women. Writing here is just a way to get close and support each other when we can't do that in person.

So, head on to day #16 (for me) and day #23 (for you).

 

[HenBogan]

Day #24

After an absolutely horrendous weekend; where Monday morning I woke and was almost unable to get out of bed…. The day ended with quite a revelation.

1)

So I am bulking up on the Rational Male (Audio) and as I am driving home my Brother calls; in my keenness to regale him with my new found reading material it became clear within minutes he was a Blocker.

He is struggling in his own relationship whereby his GF (8 months) resisted his advances for sex over the weekend; after finishing work on Monday he messaged her to apologise for causing an argument. We discussed this and I said why are you apologising to her for things that happen naturally in a relationship? I saw my own mistakes in his words and I tried to instil some thoughts from the reading material. To which he replied “You are great as you are and when the right person comes along you will just work; it will happen” in reference to my wanting to change my current mindset.

2)

My buddy calls not long after and we discuss said book (he’s in a 6 year LTR)… He loves the idea of the concepts and we discuss it for a while at which point he says “If it came to it, and I was given a decision to make, to keep my marriage or fishing; I would have to choose fishing”. I laughed and knew he had it or part of it… I’ve known him 30+ years and only just realised.

Two calls in the space of an hour which totally let me know that this journey, or way forward, is the right one for me.

3)

Monday night - Date with an extremely attractive woman pushing even the Ex GF in looks; absolutely nailed it, confidence and humour, at one point she was discussing her aunt who thought that she was sapiosexual to which I looked her in the eye and just smiled… ha ha…. Throughout she was touching my arm and even held my hand after a while, she was arranging the next date as we dated…

I made another mistake though, we stayed on the date for 3 ½ hours, I was thinking of this throughout the time, but the evening just flowed. I playfully jested that she’d had 8 dates in one go… Lesson learned.

To summarise;

I woke almost unable to get up, bathed in self-pity, my mind swimming in her ocean, my confidence shot…

Two conversations which let me see both sides of the coin; where I currently am and where I need to be… There laid bare before me; clarity! That gave me the belief that this journey, is the right one.

I laid down in bed that evening knowing that this is my ocean and all who sail in her for no matter what, there is an abundance of women, my value is high and is growing, although there will be rejections aplenty ahead, of this I have no doubt… The game is afoot…

 

[xplt]

It's been ten weeks to the day, that i broke it off with her.
I'm keeping my self busy, i'm working on myself, i'm out a lot, i'm seeing other girls.
But somehow i feel set back on my progress in the last few days.

I don't know why, but i feel much worse about that situation than a month ago. I'm not really ruminating but i miss her. And i haven't forgotten anything that happened.
I haven't made contact, nor she has.

Being with other girls feels hollow. They are trying to connect but i'm walling.
I landed the first threesome of my life the last weekend. Wicked night, woke up between two girls, but i'm not feeling any satisfaction - contrariwise, i felt release when they left my place sunday morning.

The only things that are able to fullfill me right now, are the company of my buddies, playing music and learning Ving Tsun.
I think i give up on women for the next weeks, till my mind is more at ease.

 

[HenBogan]

Day #25

I have so far to go…

Saw her again in her car yesterday, briefly, it didn’t feel as hard this time, but it has set me back…

I read my own post from yesterday and I have to accept there are going to be days like these, not so good ones… I stopped following her on Insta the day we split and foolishly I looked today, she has done the same.

I know it’s over, still part of me is holding on to some hope and if I am honest want her to message me again; I know I would message her back if she did, let’s hope she doesn’t….…

I have so far to go….

 

[dude99]

Day #25

I have so far to go…

Saw her again in her car yesterday, briefly, it didn’t feel as hard this time, but it has set me back…

I read my own post from yesterday and I have to accept there are going to be days like these, not so good ones… I stopped following her on Insta the day we split and foolishly I looked today, she has done the same.

I know it’s over, still part of me is holding on to some hope and if I am honest want her to message me again; I know I would message her back if she did, let’s hope she doesn’t….…

I have so far to go….

One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. Dont be too hard on yourself. This is why we say block them on social media. it takes the temptation away.
Seeing her in her car, you just keep your eyes on the road. She doesnt get a wave or anything like that. If i recall she stone cold ignored you, so dont give her any acknowledgement. Nothing.

And should you run into them out in public you be polite but busy. I have always maintained this approach to running into an ex. Let them know you are very busy. But I am polite, i will say hello give them no update on you, give them zero information, if they want to engage about something from the past (they all do,) you say that is a conversation for another time. Smile, but i will only give them 3 minutes and then i announce it was nice to see them ( no i miss you or think about you no we should catch up, none of that,) and then say i have to go. Then i walk away. L

Wanting her to call and hoping for it will delay healing. I know its easier said than done to just "stop wanting" it but i found the easiest way to deal with a break up is this, when it is over it is over. No more negotiating, no more wanting them back no more them. Over is over.

I live by the rule of one chance per lifetime and anytime a woman blew her chance she was out. No second chances no fixing no breaks no lets just be friends ( for her validation ) just it is over. I moved on.

Dozens have tried whether it be a couple of weeks or a couple of months, even a couple of years, to get back with me the answer was always the same
"No. That ship has long sailed."

One day at a time my friend. It does get easier. Stay off of her social media.

 

[goodbyehorses]

Great posts and advices from you all, keep posting.

Day 18.

Today has been tougher, for no particular reason. I guess it's normal to go highs & lows. I missed her company and felt like texting her (don't worry, I won't!), maybe really for the first time since BU. I always feared that with time passing, bad things will just fade to black while good things will persist in memories, making me wish to go back to her. I hope this won't happen.

I am keeping very busy and will do for the next days. Tuesday I'll go out with the girl (one of her friends) I feel some slight interest in, can't wait to.

Still going on reading this thread, I'm around page 180 now, found this link:

AT ANY COST - Saving your life after loving a borderline

Saving Your Life After Loving A Borderline. Certain aspects or common denominators are present in those who attach to Borderlines. People Pleaser types

sharischreiber.com

which may be helpful, I am considering that she may seriously suffer from BPD (just as her friends told me!), because the description fits almost perfectly!
Maybe I really dodged a huge bullet. I hope this will help me keeping up NC, main problem is still the same, sexual feelings and physical jealousy which HURT so badly and won't go away.

 

[HenBogan]

One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time. Dont be too hard on yourself. This is why we say block them on social media. it takes the temptation away.
Seeing her in her car, you just keep your eyes on the road. She doesnt get a wave or anything like that. If i recall she stone cold ignored you, so dont give her any acknowledgement. Nothing.

And should you run into them out in public you be polite but busy. I have always maintained this approach to running into an ex. Let them know you are very busy. But I am polite, i will say hello give them no update on you, give them zero information, if they want to engage about something from the past (they all do,) you say that is a conversation for another time. Smile, but i will only give them 3 minutes and then i announce it was nice to see them ( no i miss you or think about you no we should catch up, none of that,) and then say i have to go. Then i walk away. L

Wanting her to call and hoping for it will delay healing. I know its easier said than done to just "stop wanting" it but i found the easiest way to deal with a break up is this, when it is over it is over. No more negotiating, no more wanting them back no more them. Over is over.

I live by the rule of one chance per lifetime and anytime a woman blew her chance she was out. No second chances no fixing no breaks no lets just be friends ( for her validation ) just it is over. I moved on.

Dozens have tried whether it be a couple of weeks or a couple of months, even a couple of years, to get back with me the answer was always the same
"No. That ship has long sailed."

One day at a time my friend. It does get easier. Stay off of her social media.

Thank you my friend....

I unfollowed her straight away... But she was following me... I just looked to see if she was...

These things are like mini reset buttons... I've felt sick, everyday for almost a month..

I know the Internet offers anninimty, but more men need to communicate like people do here..

The suicide rates in men, don't worry I adore living and I am truly blessed to be who I am, is shocking...

We need champions out there for... Men... We fking built this planet from mud and rubble...

Forgive me please, to an extent, I've had a belly full of wine...

But the passion this place has given me, we are to be celebrated not vilified...

 

[goodbyehorses]

Yes I agree, men should talk more about emotions and give each other support, not just be drink/play buddies and stop...

I unfollowed her straight away... But she was following me... I just looked to see if she was...

I'm sure you know that you can remove anyone from your followers? When I went NC I unfollowed her AND removed her from my followers and blocked her for a few days because, after my last email, she was watching each and every single story I posted.

 

[DelayedGratification]

Still going on reading this thread, I'm around page 180 now, found this link:

AT ANY COST - Saving your life after loving a borderline

Saving Your Life After Loving A Borderline. Certain aspects or common denominators are present in those who attach to Borderlines. People Pleaser types

sharischreiber.com

which may be helpful, I am considering that she may seriously suffer from BPD (just as her friends told me!), because the description fits almost perfectly!
Maybe I really dodged a huge bullet. I hope this will help me keeping up NC, main problem is still the same, sexual feelings and physical jealousy which HURT so badly and won't go away.

Yeah, that article resonated with me pretty deeply with me, I feel your pain. Was married for 20+ years in that environment. Sent me off the cliff so badly it drove me to find comfort elsewhere, only to find myself ensnared in a different brand of crazy. Breaking it off with the BPD mistress over a year ago was worse than the divorce that preceded it.

Time, and personal growth. They hold the key. You will come out of this. As I like to say: "Never as quickly as you want, but faster than you think".

 

[dude99]

Thank you my friend....

I unfollowed her straight away... But she was following me... I just looked to see if she was...

These things are like mini reset buttons... I've felt sick, everyday for almost a month..

I know the Internet offers anninimty, but more men need to communicate like people do here..

The suicide rates in men, don't worry I adore living and I am truly blessed to be who I am, is shocking...

We need champions out there for... Men... We fking built this planet from mud and rubble...

Forgive me please, to an extent, I've had a belly full of wine...

But the passion this place has given me, we are to be celebrated not vilified...

You are right about the suicide rates in men, are doubled than our femal counter parts but as society leans more and more to the left we never ever hear about male suicides. However we are all guilt shocked and brow beaten when a girl/woman takes their own life.

Im not trying to bash or make light, i would just like to live in a world where no one uses suicide as the answer.