The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[bcude]

I'm also curious. Since women love covert means of communication, rarely overtly express themselves if they don't need to, especially in fear of facing REJECTION and this generally is a high pressure situation with substantial risk of facing rejection from the person they dumped and now know nothing about, it would seem quite logical they in many cases wont just say "i miss you, please come back to me" etc instead hit you up via indirect means, to see your interest level in them so they dont get directly rejected.
So how can you know if it's just an ego thing or her actually trying to sneak her way back in a slow and "safe" way?

 

[dude99]

Sure, but isn't a meetup something we want here? I mean that's where the re-attraction most likely can happen, where she can see you and feel you in a different light etc.? That's what the common advice seem to suggest when exes reach out -> ask to meet up or proceed into NC again = you get what you want.
I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.

That sound like something you want, and in a pefect world it works that way but this world isn't perfect. this is why i only give women one chance per life time. When they break up with you and they know you will give them a second, third, fifth, chance all you are doing is teaching them to treat you badly.

You would think it would work like that where when you meet up she suddenly gets a new wave of feelings for you and suddenly sees the light, but sadly no it rarely works out like that. Seeing you will validate her. It will put her at ease, knowing you are stuck on her and she can leave you on the shelf and date/see/ride other guys, while you hope for the next bread crumb.

The only thing that will ever make her regret her decision is knowing you have moved on and she can not have you. She has to know she blew it and now she can not have you. The way to do that is to ignore her on every platform, and should your paths cross, indifference

 

[dude99]

I don't know what contacting the friend would do other than stir up bad blood.

It showes the ex that she no longer makes your list of priorities. And this is exactly what.

It shows you have moved on.

 

[dude99]

I'm also curious. Since women love covert means of communication, rarely overtly express themselves if they don't need to, especially in fear of facing REJECTION and this generally is a high pressure situation with substantial risk of facing rejection from the person they dumped and now know nothing about, it would seem quite logical they in many cases wont just say "i miss you, please come back to me" etc instead hit you up via indirect means, to see your interest level in them so they dont get directly rejected.
So how can you know if it's just an ego thing or her actually trying to sneak her way back in a slow and "safe" way?

You know by ignoring their attempts. When they like a picture on your social media, that is nothing but bread crumbs.

When they text you 3 times a day saying they miss you, that is them trying to get in your head and mess with your feelings.

When they call and leave 3 messages that is them getting scared because you are not validating their ego like you used to.

When this stops, you know they were only trying to boost their ego and confidence at your expense.

Nothing boosts a chicks ego and confidence like knowing they can still own the guy they tossed aside. Or using and friendzoning the guy that they know cares for them.

If the effort continues, then maybe they are really sorry. But they have to learn their decisions have consequences.


You are not property for her to pick up and put back on the shelf on her whims. Remember she ended the relationship. She is expecting nothing to change. She needs to know, you and your world has changed. Show her it changed for the better.

 

[bcude]

She dumped you. She dumped you, remember ? I don't recall if yo ever said why? But if she dumped YOU and is now calling YOU doesn't it make sense she should be the one to chase and earn you back?

Absolutely agree, she has to put in an effort to win us back since she ended things. However, the advice on how to approach this seem to differ here (see post further down).

As far as contacting the other friend for coffee and ignoring the ex - it would simply be a way to rub her face in the fact you don't care, and are moving on..

Tell me this:

1. Why did she dump you, what were her reasons?
2. Why does she deserve another chance after dumping you?

Do you see contacting the friend, (or sister in this case since she actually even told me to stay in touch) as an effective way of potentially getting her back, if you still feel like that after some time apart?
1. Distance, distance, distance not sustainable in the long run, turning small problems into huge ones and she chasing me for a long time with me being quite aloof. She admitted we have never given us a real chance before breaking up when i started to show real interest and her feelings started to fade, her reason for the breakup: timing.
So the reason being external factors (according to the Dating Guy's excellent advice you referred to earlier)
2. Amazing chemistry i find rare and cherish a ton. I've come to realise she is a good woman who would add alot to my life, she would complement me in alot of ways. There are many many amazing women out there but good women are rare and i'm not really ready to give one up where i feel i haven't explored it fully.

 

[bcude]

That sound like something you want, and in a pefect world it works that way but this world isn't perfect. this is why i only give women one chance per life time. When they break up with you and they know you will give them a second, third, fifth, chance all you are doing is teaching them to treat you badly.

You would think it would work like that where when you meet up she suddenly gets a new wave of feelings for you and suddenly sees the light, but sadly no it rarely works out like that. Seeing you will validate her. It will put her at ease, knowing you are stuck on her and she can leave you on the shelf and date/see/ride other guys, while you hope for the next bread crumb.

The only thing that will ever make her regret her decision is knowing you have moved on and she can not have you. She has to know she blew it and now she can not have you. The way to do that is to ignore her on every platform, and should your paths cross, indifference

Isn't asking ourselves what WE want and go for what we want the way of the DJ? I mean of course chasing is not an option, but if external reasons have come in between i don't see why we have to stay to 1 chance per lifetime with a woman, although i see all the arguments for it (and agree it's much easier to start over).
If they have to work for you and at the same time realise their mistake it's really not teaching them to treat you badly since you have value in their eyes again, they have had to earn you back and so you will continue to have value as long as you keep the frame, hopefully better this time.

As various sources of advice out there suggest (craig kenneth, the love chat, blackdragonblog) when she finally comes to the conclusion to reach out after NC assume she wants to meet up with you and act accordingly not to waste any time, since we can't possibly know what she wants. Then we have the other side and not doing that and "making her work for your attention by putting in alot of effort", by investing more and more for you to even consider meeting up with her. This is what makes it confusing. I guess each to their own but i'm trying to learn.

 

[dude99]

Isn't asking ourselves what WE want and go for what we want the way of the DJ? I mean of course chasing is not an option, but if external reasons have come in between i don't see why we have to stay to 1 chance per lifetime with a woman, although i see all the arguments for it (and agree it's much easier to start over).
If they have to work for you and at the same time realise their mistake it's really not teaching them to treat you badly since you have value in their eyes again, they have had to earn you back and so you will continue to have value as long as you keep the frame, hopefully better this time.

As various sources of advice out there suggest (craig kenneth, the love chat, blackdragonblog) when she finally comes to the conclusion to reach out after NC assume she wants to meet up with you and act accordingly not to waste any time, since we can't possibly know what she wants. Then we have the other side and not doing that and "making her work for your attention by putting in alot of effort", by investing more and more for you to even consider meeting up with her. This is what makes it confusing. I guess each to their own but i'm trying to learn.

Actually it is what do "YOU" want. She ended things. You shouldn't care in the least what she wants.

I see break ups differently than you do obviously, and i put it that way because you seem keen to meet up with her and get with her and give her another chance. She will also know this and read you like a book. Aka you are giving her all the power.

My advice of one chance per life time cuts down on sh!t tests and game playing that most if not all women want to do. If they already know ahead of time that i am NOT there for their entertainment, they will get dumped, how many women will play games then? Zero. But like Mauser said, it is your choice if you choose to meet up with her again or give it another chance. I just see it going badly.

The assumption that she wants to meet up if she reaches out is also just that. an assumption. She is looking for validation. I have seen it a thousand times with coworkers and buddies that have "asked me how to handle the break up," after 2 or 3 weeks of NC and the first " i miss you" text comes in, i have told them " delete ignore " and carry on with your day. The ones who listened healed a lot quicker, moved on and found new rewarding relationships. the ones who didn't found themselves in emotional turmoil while she wanted them back then was confused, then wanted space, then wanted dates at their expense, then wanted to see other guys, then wanted them back only to dump them the next day ........rince repeat.......again and repeat.

Never assume just because they reach out, they want to fix things. That is your male "logical" thinking. That is your male brain making sense. Women do not think with logic. They do not think. They ride their emotions like a roller coaster and go where their emotions take them. Monday they will miss you. Tuesday they want you back. Wednesday they are confused, thursday they sleep with another dude when you think all is well, friday they ljbf you. Saturday you go no contact sunday is quiet then monday they miss you again.

Again, my caveat is this. I am just offering my 2 cents. But experience with 2 cents can be worth gold. I just hate to see a guy guy put through the ringer by a " confused" woman

Let us know how it goes.

 

[bcude]

Actually it is what do "YOU" want. She ended things. You shouldn't care in the least what she wants.

I see break ups differently than you do obviously, and i put it that way because you seem keen to meet up with her and get with her and give her another chance. She will also know this and read you like a book. Aka you are giving her all the power.

My advice of one chance per life time cuts down on sh!t tests and game playing that most if not all women want to do. If they already know ahead of time that i am NOT there for their entertainment, they will get dumped, how many women will play games then? Zero. But like Mauser said, it is your choice if you choose to meet up with her again or give it another chance. I just see it going badly.

The assumption that she wants to meet up if she reaches out is also just that. an assumption. She is looking for validation. I have seen it a thousand times with coworkers and buddies that have "asked me how to handle the break up," after 2 or 3 weeks of NC and the first " i miss you" text comes in, i have told them " delete ignore " and carry on with your day. The ones who listened healed a lot quicker, moved on and found new rewarding relationships. the ones who didn't found themselves in emotional turmoil while she wanted them back then was confused, then wanted space, then wanted dates at their expense, then wanted to see other guys, then wanted them back only to dump them the next day ........rince repeat.......again and repeat.

Never assume just because they reach out, they want to fix things. That is your male "logical" thinking. That is your male brain making sense. Women do not think with logic. They do not think. They ride their emotions like a roller coaster and go where their emotions take them. Monday they will miss you. Tuesday they want you back. Wednesday they are confused, thursday they sleep with another dude when you think all is well, friday they ljbf you. Saturday you go no contact sunday is quiet then monday they miss you again.

Again, my caveat is this. I am just offering my 2 cents. But experience with 2 cents can be worth gold. I just hate to see a guy guy put through the ringer by a " confused" woman

Let us know how it goes.

Solid post with lots of experience behind, i appreciate it. Thank you for your time.
I'm not disagreeing with any of it but just to clearify. I'm not set on giving her a second chance or wanting her back blindly as of right now since i don't want to go back to what once was (only forward), but i do want to meet up with her and see how it would feel now, because i see the potential there and then decide what i want to do. This is how i feel, she is maybe and probably just looking for validation as you mentioned, or maybe not. Who knows. Time will tell. I'm however more in the camp of not suggesting anything but letting her earn her way back and i'm a firm believer in irl interaction and feelings that can arise there, it's a game changer. Especially where distance has been a thing and an obstacle.
I would think she feels she's not a priority anymore (anymore is wrong since she didn't feel it in the relationship either which made her frustrated) since i accepted the breakup and walked away. Stayed 100% NC for almost 5 months, during that time i visited her city for over 1 month (which she heard of) where i ignored her and ignored her birthday obviously and waited over 2 weeks to call back when she finally reached out. I would think that sends a message that she hasn't got the power anymore.

I am careful from now on to protect my heart.

So back to NC for now. Ill keep you posted.

 

[HenBogan]

Day 12

The mornings are where I miss her the most; I am still in the realms of wanting to message her back.

I am already spinning plates, but part of the problem is she is up there with the most attractive gals I have dated.

My bro says “looks aren’t that important man”

My best mate “F**k mate; she is good looking”

I guess this is the male ego!

Can I just add The Rational Male – Dam that book cuts through you like a knife. I will update my other post.

 

[dude99]

No contact: day one (second time I was dumped) first dumping was almost exactly two months ago.....cyclical....

I'm codependent and worried he'll commit suicide.
His number is blocked.
Mixed emotions but I'm content and feel serene except for the worry.

This thread is helpful.

Keep his number blocked, and focus on yourself right now. He ended it. Twice. He is no longer your problem. Get busy focus on hobbies, exercise take care of you.

 

[dude99]

Day 12

The mornings are where I miss her the most; I am still in the realms of wanting to message her back.

I am already spinning plates, but part of the problem is she is up there with the most attractive gals I have dated.

My bro says “looks aren’t that important man”

My best mate “F**k mate; she is good looking”

I guess this is the male ego!

Can I just add The Rational Male – Dam that book cuts through you like a knife. I will update my other post.

Dont focus on her looks. Focus on her behaviour. That will help clear your head.

Remember when the lights are out a 10 is the same as a 7.

 

[xplt]

Dont focus on her looks. Focus on her behaviour. That will help clear your head.

Hammer that in your brain. It's easy to forget the bad things about her when time passes.

Make a list on your phone or whatever of the BS she put you through and her characteristics that bother you.
Read it when you think about the good times or about her.

But you also don't want to make the mistake of replaying past bad situations over and over, it will keep you stuck.

 

[the_cog]

Hello. This is Day 2 for me. The girl I was dating for 3 months, more like talking to because we met online and it was a LDR. Yeah, I know. Either way it still hurts. I got the it's not you it's me, you deserve someone better excuse.
Last night I deleted her off Discord and the online place where we met.

Here is what she wrote me,
"You’re a great guy and I like you and care about you a lot...I really do mean that. But as I reflect I feel there’s part of me that’s feeling I shouldn’t be worrying about relationships at all for a little while. I’m having some mental health struggles, and some that I haven’t told you about yet that makes me feel like I need to just take time and focus on addressing these issues. I feel like I can’t fully commit my heart and mind to any relationship right now and that’s not fair to you and I feel like I’m only able to give a shell of who I really am and you deserve better. There’s also some logistics of the future and how things would work out that make me scared to get too deep in. It’s nothing that you’ve done, you’re amazing. I just feel you deserve someone better and like I can’t really give you what you deserve"

I dodged a bullet. I have work to do with myself to get over the fear of meeting women locally. I need a good swift kick in the ass.

 

[Robert28]

It’s funny how it took YOU coming along to make her want to all of a sudden “work on her mental health issues”. Bull crap. I know being depressed and full of anxiety and bat**** crazy doesn’t carry the stigma it once did but women use this new two health crap as a crutch.

 

[dude99]

Hello. This is Day 2 for me. The girl I was dating for 3 months, more like talking to because we met online and it was a LDR. Yeah, I know. Either way it still hurts. I got the it's not you it's me, you deserve someone better excuse.
Last night I deleted her off Discord and the online place where we met.

Here is what she wrote me,
"You’re a great guy and I like you and care about you a lot...I really do mean that. But as I reflect I feel there’s part of me that’s feeling I shouldn’t be worrying about relationships at all for a little while. I’m having some mental health struggles, and some that I haven’t told you about yet that makes me feel like I need to just take time and focus on addressing these issues. I feel like I can’t fully commit my heart and mind to any relationship right now and that’s not fair to you and I feel like I’m only able to give a shell of who I really am and you deserve better. There’s also some logistics of the future and how things would work out that make me scared to get too deep in. It’s nothing that you’ve done, you’re amazing. I just feel you deserve someone better and like I can’t really give you what you deserve"

I dodged a bullet. I have work to do with myself to get over the fear of meeting women locally. I need a good swift kick in the ass.

"You’re a great guy and I like you and care about you a lot...I really do mean that. But as I reflect I feel there’s part of me that’s feeling I shouldn’t be worrying about relationships at all for a little while."

ever hear that saying that everything before the "but" in a sentence is nothing but BS.

When a chick drops the "you deserve better," on you, believe them. She just saved you a whole lot of hassle admitting she isnt mentally sound. Dude you dodged a bullet. You just don't know it yet.

 

[dude99]

wow, she admitted mental health issues, great she's working on them but yeah, you did dodge a bullet.

When a single person is working hard at narrowing the distance with each relationship they can recall how much better they're doing with the next one.

Ex. from a 6 hour drive to 1.5 hour drive.....maybe if there's a future date, it will only be a 15 min drive.

One gain at a time.

Eventually one might date their next door neighbour.
lol
Although in the 90's/00's low budget comedy "How to be a player" the main narrator strongly suggests NOT dating your neighbour!



I'm only on Day 3 of NC, not Day 5 like I wanted to be after getting dumped.
I took him off blocked number and saw that he texted a "." At 3:17am!!!
So I texted a ".." back to him before work. Then nothing from him since. WTH.
Starting to realise how childish that relationship was.

Blocking unblocking blocking unblocking and answering his 3 am texts is only going to delay your healing. Leave him blocked.

 

[the_cog]

Day 4, doing ok. Only re-occurring thought is.. was it something I did. But eh, she got issues.

Good. Delete her number as well, even go so far as to block her on all platforms. And don't worry about what she might think. She didn't want to be involved in your life....and now she won't be - in any way shape or form.

You: "I agree. Take care"

I responded back with something, don't remember and she reiterated her point. Thats when I stopped contact and deleted her everywhere.

It’s funny how it took YOU coming along to make her want to all of a sudden “work on her mental health issues”. Bull crap. I know being depressed and full of anxiety and bat**** crazy doesn’t carry the stigma it once did but women use this new two health crap as a crutch.

Isn't it though? I'd prefer if she had turned me down at the beginning.

 

[xplt]

It's been more than two months since i broke off with her, had been with her for 4,5 years. Our last Months were a constant on/off thing. Four breakups initiated by her, because i wasn't willing to let her control my life with rules and ultimatums.
Fifth breakup was my decision and i don't regret anything. Cut off contact about six weeks ago, i didn't count days.
Deleted her number and the numbers of her family members and friends.
She hasn't tried to reach out since our last phone conversation and i'm glad about it. She tries to stay in my orbit via nonsense textmassages to some of my buddies, but i told them i don't want to hear a single word about it.

The first five weeks post breakup were hard, but i withstood every intention to make contact.
The last few weeks i felt better with every passing day. I still have times of the day where i really miss her, but there's no way i will reach out, remembering the way she treated me, particularly the last four weeks i've been with her.

It's only a week now, since i'm able to sleep an entire night without waking up or lying awake for hours.
I get the hardest feelings when i wake up at night or in the morning. Makes me remember a movie line from Brad Pitt...
"Are you suicidal?" - "Only in the morning"...
But that feelings are fading within minutes now.


I've been focusing on myself since then. Searching an apartment, getting my life in order again. Distracted me with working out and playing music, startet to practice Ving Tsun. I'm able to concentrate at work again, can't remember the last time i felt so centered and stoic.
Also made contact with new girls, will meet the first one this weekend, now my libido is back.

Damn, life is good.

 

[dude99]

It's been more than two months since i broke off with her, had been with her for 4,5 years. Our last Months were a constant on/off thing. Four breakups initiated by her, because i wasn't willing to let her control my life with rules and ultimatums.
Fifth breakup was my decision and i don't regret anything. Cut off contact about six weeks ago, i didn't count days.
Deleted her number and the numbers of her family members and friends.
She hasn't tried to reach out since our last phone conversation and i'm glad about it. She tries to stay in my orbit via nonsense textmassages to some of my buddies, but i told them i don't want to hear a single word about it.

The first five weeks post breakup were hard, but i withstood every intention to make contact.
The last few weeks i felt better with every passing day. I still have times of the day where i really miss her, but there's no way i will reach out, remembering the way she treated me, particularly the last four weeks i've been with her.

It's only a week now, since i'm able to sleep an entire night without waking up or lying awake for hours.
I get the hardest feelings when i wake up at night or in the morning. Makes me remember a movie line from Brad Pitt...
"Are you suicidal?" - "Only in the morning"...
But that feelings are fading within minutes now.


I've been focusing on myself since then. Searching an apartment, getting my life in order again. Distracted me with working out and playing music, startet to practice Ving Tsun. I'm able to concentrate at work again, can't remember the last time i felt so centered and stoic.
Also made contact with new girls, will meet the first one this weekend, now my libido is back.

Damn, life is good.

I had to highlight in bold the things you should be proud of. Nice job of staying the course. this is what i pointed out earlier is heaing

 

[xplt]

Thank you @dude99
Once the emotions flatten and you are able to think clear again it starts to get way more easy.
Using my energy for sports and going out with the buddies instead of ruminating and analyzing helped me the most.