The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jariel]

Jariel, Culebra! Thanks for the reply guys!

You have been really helpfull to me, each of you in a specific way!

I still miss her, it is still very hard, and I have not moved on the way I want to, but it came for the best.

I was sh*tty, and now I'm on my way to become awesome! If it wasn't for that I would have never found this site and you of course, you guys!

So I'm thankfull in a way!

Likewise mate, your words of encouragement and mails telling me to stop blaming myself have been very good for me...and you were right, since I stopped blaming myself I've been able to move forward.

I'd be lying if I said I was completely over her. I still think of her a lot and it still hurts to think she can let go of what we had, move on with someone else and how she manipulated me, and I still feel resentment towards her. But what I can say is that I'm not clinging to any hope of us reconciling. There are no temptations to "fix" things, or say anything more to her ever again, and no wondering if she still cares. It simply doesn't matter any more.

The man I became in the later months of the relationship reminded me of the pathetic AFC that originally came to this site looking for help, not the bold, confident man I was when we first me. I'm starting to get back to that bold and confident mindset again now and it feels right. I never want to let go of that again.

 

[Groverz]

So this morning was interesting. Had a girl over lastnight, we have hooked up in the past, we are just toys for each other. We smoked, i was tired so went to sleep, she was not too thrilled. Also had my Ex on my mind a bit. Ended up having a dream about her, it was a decent dream. We met and hung out and and the end she gave me that look that makes the rest of the world disappear and you know they are into you. But in my dream I was good, she said she had plans and had to go, and we went on our ways.. Woke up, felt ok. Girl was still there, she rubbed by back and we got up and I went to work. On my way to work, I drive by her house(it's on my way) and see her and her dog outside, sigh. I did not honk or wave or anything. Miss that dog so damn much though, it was hard to pass by and not stop to at least see the dog. It's like a daughter to me.

 

[drakeramore]

Checking in for day #15

I find myself thinking about her a lot, even getting myself back in time in my head and having these conversations with her in which I say all the right things or put her in her place and that fixes everything. Some truly pathetic stuff indeed.

I also find myself hoping that she will contact me desperate for my company even if I slowly realize that there is no hope for us anymore and I am to blame for the most part. I kick myself for not showing her how much I cared for her and how I took her for granted.

I want her to contact me so that I can tell her how much I hate what she did to me and how much I do not want us to be in touch or see each other ever again. But, rationally, when I think about it this would only let her know how much in pain I am and would be what a woman would do or say.

I also have plenty of time to think and now I question why I hurt so much - is it because I truly really loved her for the woman of my life that I think at times she was or is this simply a reaction of my ego that wants to return to what was safe in the past - the good old days when I was worshipped and loved by her while not appreciating it and doing much in return. Perhaps it is all just a way to hide that I am scared now that I will not be able to find a new woman with whom I will have such a deep connection. And the ego reacts by just wanting to get back the only thing that it knew worked, at least until I find a quality replacement.

Am I honest with myself when I say and think just how much I loved/love her or is this all caused by fear and self-doubt? These are the real questions that I need to find the answers to, plain and simple.

It is funny how the mind works and how the old adage is so true that you only realize the value of something after you lose it. Human nature I guess. And I thought I took nothing for granted, that I did.

These are mighty lonely days especially because of that NC that I have forced upon myself. But there is no other way, I cannot have her in my life when I know she is not with me anymore, impossible. So I need to just bear with it and keep on trucking. The fast approaching holidays do not help either, it is not good timing to be wallowing in depression and sadness when everyone around you seems to be rejoicing and preparing for some holiday trips and fun.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and thanks for your support. It is appreciated as always.

 

[Groverz]

Checking in for day #15

I find myself thinking about her a lot, even getting myself back in time in my head and having these conversations with her in which I say all the right things or put her in her place and that fixes everything. Some truly pathetic stuff indeed.

I do the same **** in my head and even find myself talking to myself and trying to say the right things.


I also find myself hoping that she will contact me desperate for my company even if I slowly realize that there is no hope for us anymore and I am to blame for the most part. I kick myself for not showing her how much I cared for her and how I took her for granted.

I want her to contact me so that I can tell her how much I hate what she did to me and how much I do not want us to be in touch or see each other ever again. But, rationally, when I think about it this would only let her know how much in pain I am and would be what a woman would do or say.

I also have plenty of time to think and now I question why I hurt so much - is it because I truly really loved her for the woman of my life that I think at times she was or is this simply a reaction of my ego that wants to return to what was safe in the past - the good old days when I was worshipped and loved by her while not appreciating it and doing much in return. Perhaps it is all just a way to hide that I am scared now that I will not be able to find a new woman with whom I will have such a deep connection. And the ego reacts by just wanting to get back the only thing that it knew worked, at least until I find a quality replacement.

Am I honest with myself when I say and think just how much I loved/love her or is this all caused by fear and self-doubt? These are the real questions that I need to find the answers to, plain and simple.

I you are unhappy now, then you most likely loved her due to fear/self doubt.

It is funny how the mind works and how the old adage is so true that you only realize the value of something after you lose it. Human nature I guess. And I thought I took nothing for granted, that I did.

These are mighty lonely days especially because of that NC that I have forced upon myself. But there is no other way, I cannot have her in my life when I know she is not with me anymore, impossible. So I need to just bear with it and keep on trucking. The fast approaching holidays do not help either, it is not good timing to be wallowing in depression and sadness when everyone around you seems to be rejoicing and preparing for some holiday trips and fun.

Go out to a club/bar. Find some girls to hit on and spin plates, it's the holidays there will be some out of towners that are there to just have fun and forget about their family BS. It will help a ton with ego and taking your mind off your ex

Anyway, thanks for reading this and thanks for your support. It is appreciated as always.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 

[StayingHopeful]

I just want to say thank you to everyone here for the support and kind words. You've all really helped me through this tough time. I woke up today to a text from her about something work related and it didn't even phase me. I gave her the information she needed, told her I was busy and ended it right there. I wish I could be this strong everyday but for now, I'll take whatever good days I can get. The advice and support I get from all of you guys has really helped me build up my self esteem, confidence and self worth, and for that, I truly thank you guys!

 

[narcissist]

Okay, so today is officially day 30 of no contact. I just want to do a recap for cathartic purposes.

day 1 - broke up with her because i found out she was cheating on me
- deleted her number, facebook, twitter
- break up was very smooth and i kept my composure, letting her know i didnt care

day 3 - threw her stuff outside and texted her "your sh*t is outside go get it"
- she went and got it when i wasnt home but came back later to and cried in front of my mom saying that she lost her best friend and that she would do anything to get me back
- didnt text her or anything
- she got her friend to call me later that night in order to set up a time for when her friend could come drop off my stuff
- kept the convo short and sweet, plus i was out with friends

day 8-10 - i forget which day it was but i ended up msging the friend to come give me my stuff because i really needed it, and i found alot more of her stuff - i literally packed up EVERYTHING of hers that day, so she had no opportunity to contact me

day 11 - her friend came at night to drop off the stuff, it was raining hard.
- i jumped in the car for like 2 mins because she wanted to talk - i didnt want to be mean because she was doing me a favor and i have nothing against her
- 2 minutes later my ex JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUNK and hops on my lap and starts kissing me which i quickly made her stop and about 1 minute later jumped out of the car
- i will not lie this was hard because i missed her smell SO MUCH (AFC AS F*CK)

day 12-17 - this is when all of the "unknown" calls started pouring in.
- i had a good feeling it was her but i had to pick up the first time because i had a job interview and was waiting for the call back.
- convo lasted 2 minutes on the phone, and i said probably like 2 words
- the next 5 unknown calls throughout the next 4 days i avoided
- then she calls on her friends number which i picked up because of the job interview
- after 3 mintues of calling i had to go so i hung up
- she texted me saying that i was a terrible sociopathic human who didnt know how to love
- deleted the text right after i read it

day 21ish - she comes to my house after talking to my mom on facebook to drop some of my stuff off, but i know she kept alot of stuff for memories - which i dont care i was going to leave the sh*t anyways i didnt even want the stuff back.
- funny thing is i came into the house while she was there and she didnt say anything to me - nor id i say anything back.

day 24? - changed my number completely, blocked her tumblr website so i couldnt go on it, made my twitter private.
- did not want to give her a chance to contact me AT ALL

day 27 - i lurked my moms facebook (i know breech of privacy - tell that to my emotions) and saw that she asked my mom to send her a bunch of pictures of me and her that were on my moms phone.
- so i know shes still affected - which shouldnt amtter to me but the EGO IS A B*TCH

day 30 - lurked her tumblr like a little b*tch but saw that she was still posting things about me and about how she f*cked up.. i know one day im going to go on and im not going to see anything about me - this will hurt my ego and i need to be prepared for that.
- also checked her instagram - forgot i even had one - deactivated my whole account after i lurked.

all in all i feel good but i REALLY need to tone down the social media lurking.

and ive been spinning a couple plates and talking to alot of girls but i need to step up my cold approach.

its over and i acccept it but my ego is still hurt, over time it will get better

im very glad that in her eyes i dont give a sh*t about her anymore because i have not contacted her or talked to her or shown my emotions AT ALL, but i nned to work on getting past her in my inner self - this will be my goal for the next 30 days

plus ive been working out ALOT

 

[narcissist]

oh plus she hasnt made any attempt to try and contact me, for the past 12-13 days which is kinda getting to me but i WILL keep my composure

 

[mikey2012]

Good to hear mate. You will have those bad days, like I'm having today, but letting go is definitely going to help you recover.

Trust me, the past couple of days where I started to make progress felt really good...better than the last month of being in a relationship and probably better than I'd feel if I got back with my ex.

As for pushing her towards the other guy, I believe this is a big misunderstanding. There's a lot of evidence to say that men and women are most likely to cheat or keep their options open when the relationship gets complacent or when their lover isn't providing much challenge. This allows them to feel secure and give them the confidence to swing to another branch.

However, after an argument or being dumped, the tension is high and they feel less secure, and are actually less likely to move on. Or if they do, they'll not be able to give fully to that person, because now that other person is the one they can take for granted and you are the one who walked away and created the tension.

I noticed this in a lot of my relationships and as the rebound guy. A number of times I got girls to leave their boyfriends for me and I was the most exciting thing to happen to them at that time, but as soon as their exes started pulling away and I became too available, they ditched me and went running back.

It all comes down to the old psychological observations that familiarity breeds contempt and people place more value on what they can't have.

Excellent +1 rep

 

[mikey2012]

i did walk away a few times, i dumped her twice before, but like an idiot i got back with her after some time... why? because the sex was great & she looked good

never sacrifice self respect for p@ssy... never!

Yes never....

 

[mikey2012]

oh plus she hasnt made any attempt to try and contact me, for the past 12-13 days which is kinda getting to me but i WILL keep my composure

She forgot about you

 

[jason1125]

OK I'm going to tell my storey u need support I have been NC with my ex for 12 days now I walked in on my birthday to find her in bed with another man that was 15 days ago so I will start from the beginning . I was with my ex for 11 years I am 39 and she is 42 we have had our problems but we always push though them .she has 3 kids I helped rase now are bad drug users (I kow I should have left a long time ago) any way we have been fighting on and off for the last year I moved out mostly because of the drug use in the house with her kids steeling everything I still played the bills and we were trying to work it out going to counseling and trying to make it work ....I felt she was hinting I never asked her to marre her she was telling me I never loved her .... .now on my birth day I felt like I just wanted to tell her I love her and I want to get marred and live happily ever after I left work early came to our house she was in my bed naked with another man I was devastated I did not know what to do she called crying telling me I was never there this guy says he loves her but she wanted to make it work with us me being a sucker went out to eat with her we ended up having sex it was hard for me to get off thinking of the **** then the next day she told me she can't do it she wants to be with that guy ....now u stopped talking to her I have been going out in contact for 12 days she sends me a text we need to talk I ignored it she sends another one just as I'm writing this she called I keep ignoring her I just need advice should I talk at all to her or keep nc any help is very apretiated I feel so crappy now that she contacted me

 

[Jariel]

Jason: That is one of the hardest stories I've read on here. I know you must be going through hell right now, but this is the best thing that could've happened to you and a major overdue wake up call!!!

The fact that you even spoke to her and you're even considering talking to her now after everything she's put you through and everything you have done for her and her kids tells me you need to change your entire way of thinking!

Get as far away from her as you can. Delete her number and delete every trace of her from your life. She has already driven you into the ground I can see and no man should ever put up with what you have.

It might feel like you want her back and the pain you're going through may seem unbearable. You may think you can make it all go away by talking to her or trying to make things worse, but your issues go way deeper than these events. Once you break free of this witch's spell over you, I guarantee life will be amazing. You will no longer have to pay her bills, put up with the drugs and her ungrateful kids, and will no longer have to put up with a cheating, manipulative piece of trash like this again.

I guarantee you, if you go back, you forgive her or you so much as talk to her again, she will know for certain she can treat you like sh1t, fvck whoever she wants and you'll keep paying her bills.

Another thing I can tell you is that she is going to try and push the blame onto you. What she has done is digusting and unforgivable, but she will try to find a way of making you feel responsible...like you didn't show her enough love, you didn't support her enough or you said something one time that hurt her feelings blah blah. Do not accept this because once you do, it makes you easy to manipulate.

Stay strong!

 

[Lotus Effect]

Advice needed

Hey guys! I need your opinion on something!

Since I break NC mark, I don't want to get back together with her and the only thing that is holding me back from moving on is this feeling inside me that I left a door open for her to reach me whenever she likes...

I've been thinking in replying the email my ex sent me 40 days ago.

Just to further explain this I've sent her a goodbye email 2 months ago, it was beta, wishy washy, and I have not said goodbye, I left a door open by telling her that we should not speak for now, but one day in the future when we are older we may recognize each other again and have a chance again. Bottomline, I left like a pvssy, and she is living happily ever after knowing I'm a beta fagot who is waiting for her.

She answered me this 20 days later telling how much my email affected her and that she was to comoted to give me a proper answer, called me pet name and said see you soon. A lot of bullsh*t to keep me in this god forsaken rut.

Well, I know we won't see us soon, I know she is with another guy, ever since the begining of the breakup and, for real, I don't want this door to be open because this sh*t makes me feel a little miserable each and everyday.

I want this to end.

So I was thinking in replying her in a polite manner cutting all hopes, and I know she does not have any hopes at all, since she does not give a flying f*ck about me, but I DON'T WANT ANY HOPES, and thus, I have to kill the monster I have created with that email.

After lots of reading, of wise guys like Jariel, dgwisdal and others I believe that this message will really put things to an end (Again I say, and end for me, since for her it's dead and gone) and i'd like to know if you guys think it is wise to send this, or if it's better for me to keep my mouth shut. This is the text:

"I have been thinking and breaking up was the best thing for us - I've realized that I no longer feel the same as well. The relationship has gone stale and we need no contact for a long time so we can both move forward. So I suggest we really stop talking to each other. I wish the best for you, there is no hard feelings. Good Luck"

Everyone's opinion on this matter are valid!

Thanks guys!

 

[jason1125]

Thanks Jariel I need a response this has been the worst thing I have ever been through and I feel so fukin dumb for trying to make it work after I walked in ...she was nice to me but she never gave me respect I have done the no contact for 12 days up till she tryed to contact me I was not doing that bad but all it took was her trying g to contact me to get me all upset again ...she has tons of my stuff (at least what was not stolen from her kids ) but I was the bred winner now she's missing the support but my big thing is we have 2 dogs she hates and my dogs hate her too I don't want to break no contact but I don't want my dogs in the pound .....and yes I do feel like a dumb ass but I do miss her and I'm not a ***** but I'm acting like one. .to top it off I have not been doing that bad till she contacted me last night I had like 3 different dreams about her and I woke up in panic attacks feeling worse this is the definit worse day yet

 

[jason1125]

I just wanted to tell everyone I have been following this site and reading all the storys since all this sh1t happened to me and the info I have found is the most informative and motivating to just keep me going ..I just wanted to say thank you.

 

[Jariel]

"I have been thinking and breaking up was the best thing for us - I've realized that I no longer feel the same as well. The relationship has gone stale and we need no contact for a long time so we can both move forward. So I suggest we really stop talking to each other. I wish the best for you, there is no hard feelings. Good Luck"

Everyone's opinion on this matter are valid!

Thanks guys!

I know exactly how you're thinking mate. You need closure to help you move on. I felt the same way and it was so tough trying to move on and let go when that door was open...and when she contacted me, that door seemed wide open and my hopes started building, I started strategizing and it opened up my wound all over again.

This is why I decided to write her a letter, just to wrap things up, bury hard feelings and just explain it was all for the best.

BUT...

After sending this, I did not feel the closure I expected. It's only now I look back that I realise I had sent this letter as a way of trying to re-initiate contact, stir her feelings in some way, and when I didn't get a response I got angry and felt rejected. It did not give me closure at all. It just prolonged my attachment.

So going on my own experience, I would say it's best to stay no contact and just let the attachment fade naturally.

It's tough, especially for a man, not to have the last word. Even now I still find myself thinking of things I want to say to her, ways to get back my power or rehearsing what I will say if she ever gets in touch again. I have to stop myself and just say "let it go".

The thing is, I do talk to a number of my exes now. Some of them are genuine platonic friends, others would get with me again if I gave them a chance and at this point all the mistakes of the past are behind us. I genuinely forgive them for what they did to me and accept it was just a bad situation.

Perhaps one day you will reach this point with your ex. Maybe I'll reach this point with my ex too, but it cannot happen until you've truly moved on.

I think deep down, you know that sending this text is a bad idea. Trust your rational judgement.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks Jariel I need a response this has been the worst thing I have ever been through and I feel so fukin dumb for trying to make it work after I walked in ...she was nice to me but she never gave me respect I have done the no contact for 12 days up till she tryed to contact me I was not doing that bad but all it took was her trying g to contact me to get me all upset again ...she has tons of my stuff (at least what was not stolen from her kids ) but I was the bred winner now she's missing the support but my big thing is we have 2 dogs she hates and my dogs hate her too I don't want to break no contact but I don't want my dogs in the pound .....and yes I do feel like a dumb ass but I do miss her and I'm not a ***** but I'm acting like one. .to top it off I have not been doing that bad till she contacted me last night I had like 3 different dreams about her and I woke up in panic attacks feeling worse this is the definit worse day yet

I know what I've been through has been hell and I too still miss my ex, but my experience has nothing on what you have been through. I really can't imagine the pain you're going through and I truly sympathise. This is not going to be easy for you at all.

I would say you have to make some exceptions to no contact in some cases and if you feel you need to get your stuff and especially your dogs, then you need to do this. Just try to do it with minimal communication with her and treat it almost like a business transaction.

Much like you I was coping ok (not brilliant, but ok) when I first went no contact, but when my ex contacted me again, gave me a few shreds of hope to cling to and a small taste of power and an ego boost to go with it, I got sucked in completely and it made me question myself and I got played for a fool.

We are here to support you and if you get the urge to rant or have things you want to get off your mind, post them here rather than to your ex and we can all give you objective advice and first hand experience.

After going through months of emotional agony and despair, I am recovering very well now. My ex had 3 kids too and although I was not paying her bills, I was paying for days out and was very generous with my time and support. I also put up with a lot of her issues and mood swings and since we broke up, I've got more money in my bank account, I've got more freedom and time to pursue my own goals and activities (and I've even set up a successful business), I'm dating again and I don't feel myself being dragged down by her or the responsibilities she imposed on me any more.

This will hit you one day. Considering how much of your life, your emotions and money you have given up for her and the kids, you're going to experience a MASSIVE relief when you let go and trust me, you're going to look back and be so thankful you managed to break free.

 

[Jariel]

This has nothing to do with breaking up as such, but I highly recommend watching as many of this guy's videos as you can. It will inspire you to become the man you want to be, embrace your pain and use it to fuel you to become the greatest you can be, whether it's in the gym, in business, in your social and dating life or just in pulling yourself out of your depression...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrGy0MaLoDI&list=PLDF2092872FB5661A

 

[mikey2012]

Exactly. I feel like my ex just ended things and now she has no remorse, no recollection of the good times we did have together. That is something I continually think about. Did I not have a profound impact on her life or is this just her way of dealing with a broken relationship. I can still remember the good times we had together and it's just a shame that she acts like I was never even a part of her life. All you can do is move on and forget but I feel like that will always linger in the back of my mind. How can someone who loves you so much and whom you love so much just dump you and all your memories away just like that...

That's why women are the stronger sex. They are ruthless.

 

[Renegade357]

That's why women are the stronger sex. They are ruthless.

That's because they are emotional creatures of the present and can easily swing branches. If they had no branch to swing to they'd be way weaker than us. They can't go it alone. I think that's why women were kept under wraps in the early part of our history. Confined and shamed for being promiscuous. Divorce was seen as such a huge sin/problem. Now we pretty much have chaos and it's real hard to be a good guy.

Doesn't deter me though. If I can look myself in the mirror and know I do things the right way I'll die happy. The poon will rotate in and out naturally.