The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[cgr68311]

HI Everyone!!!! Here is my story/ No contact story (1 day, 3 hours so far LOL):

- Non religious latino, Married,35, 100K+ Started formally dating her (latina 'Christian', divorced from a 55 yr old guy whom she got her green card from, 33, cleans offices and sales jewelry for a living) back in July 2013 (5 months ago).

- Around August, I asked her to invite me to her church, SHE FLIPPED!!! We were still not very intimate and said, first friends, then good friends, then bf/gf, etc... lol


- Confessed to her that I was unhappy and married. She did not mind and loved me more, even did my clothes and breakfast each morning. Told her I separated (carried my clothes/belongings in my SUV) but it was a lie, too cold to live in my car LOL.

- Signed a house lease in front of her, then asked her for her and her 7 year old child to move in with me and she FLIPPED!!

- Again in September, I asked her to invite me to her church, SHE FLIPPED AGAIN!!! She said, first divorce her, then I'll take you to my church. However, she agreed to begin attending with me a different church and we signed up for a 7 year church spiritual plan and began plans to get married

- In October, I begun mentoring her on IT skills, to get her a job at my company (as a direct report of mine for a few weeks, I know I know)...and even helped her get an IT cert which I obviously paid for (I know).

- Two weeks ago (11/22/13), She said one of her pastors from the other church would visit our new church and asked me not to hold her hand, I FLIPPED!!

- During Thanksgiving, a 54 yr old 'friend' whom she was busy with before dating me showed up at her place (her parents place, she lives there). He complained of a dislocated shoulder and she massaged him with some ointment. Then she sent me to the dining room with her parents (she had never allowed me to eat at the table, only had access to the living room), to eat dinner. I was not comfortable leaving them alone so when I come back he is sitting and she is sitting on the floor receiving a massage from him. I asked to get off the floor and sit with me and I told the church friend 'I'm sorry but she's my gf this is making me uncomfortable'. When he left she walked him to his car (and later found out from her) that she denied being my gf!!!

- last weekend (11/29 - 12/1) she did not talk to me (and later I found out by looking through her cell) that she had been receiving/replying to msgs from this dude (Him: can I come over to pamper you because you are sick, can you take me to a doctors apt pls? Her: can't remember but sort of agreed)

- I held my ground and this past Sat (12/30) she asked me to pick her up and take her to the movies. She then laid out the rules: 1.) no more sex because of her 'conscience' (yeah right, she even took me to an enclosed car wash to fk her), and 2.)that she would go back to her line of work because she ran out of budget, I did not agree but did not say much.

- She stopped talking to me this past Sun-Monday. Yesterday (Tues 12/3) I went to her place (I would go there every morning) and she cursed at me in front of her mom and forced me to apologize to her mom for treating her like a slut in her own house. Her mom intervened and asked me to step out while she calmed her daughter.

- She came out and we spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon together and took her to the doctor (she had a cold, we made out big at the doctors office lol). I told her that if she really wanted to do things RIGHT, then she would need to break up with me and not just cut off the sex, or continue in the gray area of her religion, going out with me and being tempted to fall again in 'sin'. She said she would think about it. I told her I'd be fine without sex as long as she took me to her church and also let me hang out with this friend and other friends so that I knew that side of her life better. She declined and flipped a little again. She insisted I have to get divorced and stop being jealous. Overall she said she did not want to separate and was willing to drop my job offer and think how we could continue together (with restrictions and me touching her all over). I dropped her off, then called her and said what's below (on the phone she just listened and said: then ADIOS (bye)) but had also sent her this email just a couple minutes earlier (12/4 @ 6pm):

"Sorry the means but tried to call you. I'm just saving us time. Unfortunately I am not happy, it was all or nothing and by that I do not mean intimate relationships, but just because of being your MAN, I cannot accept less than the recognition such an intimate person deserves.

I know I am not quite right, as I am not single, but what do you expect, I am not a Christian nor single and still you accepted me and therefore I can not accept to not be acknowledged and worse, to tell that 'friend' of yours that I was not your boyfriend, after ALL that you and I have shared.

Sorry but my dignity and identity can not tolerate such a low blow, in the same way that your dignity and identity can not recognize me in your life. Thank you for loving me Ruth."

- Tonight (9pm) I went ahead and posted the job vacancy and auto generated a job notification which got delivered to her personal email. I had promised her to help her regardless of our personal outcome for consideration of being a single mom (divorced but kid from another married man she met in her younger years).

- 15 minutes later, she FB (did not open it so it would not show 'read' ) and also texted me the following:

"G. ..

it hurts but I respect your decision, I want to thank you for your love, for your dedication, for your time, you are a remarkable man, I miss you. You'll be always in my prayers."

AFC Instinct: Reply back to her tomorrow asking her if she loves me or whatever... don't know at this time, but I guess whatever to get her back although I am the one that dumped her (yet she threatened me about it a few times last weekend by saying if I was not happy about the no sex restriction we could break up, etc.)

 

[cgr68311]

by the way, I feel very relieved, not missing her a bit and EMPOWERED...don't want to change this by falling in her trap LOL

 

[Groverz]

I've posted this in one of my tip threads, but thought it might be worth adding here for those who need it.

Something you absolutely MUST keep in mind at all times is this...

The only true way you can work things out with your ex is to heal first and get out of that needy state of mind. After a break up, we are thrown into survival mode, in much the same way as if we were threatened with danger. Our rational thinking gets pushed aside and our instincts take over and what was once a healthy attraction or even genuine love turns into this urgent, dependent obsession with getting her back. We become overwhelmed with insecurity and paranoia, start questioning our worth, start placing her on a pedestal and chasing her like our lives depend on it.

But this is the exact state of mind and behaviour that kills attraction, ruins relationships and drives women away.

Imagine you finish with your girl and a few months later you decide to meet up. She's gained 20lbs, her hair is greasy and she's stopped taking pride in her appearance. You're repulsed by what she's become. Would you take her back? No chance in hell, right? And this is exactly how your ex sees you when you're in that needy, emotional state of mind. She wants a man who can lead, who can be a pillar of strength, who she can look upto, not an emotional and dependent wimp.

You hit the nail on the head. This is hard as many know though. For me I have to try to really pay attention to my actions and feelings and constantly keep telling myself what to do. It's almost like you are fighting yourself. But I feel with time and practice it will become second nature.

 

[Jariel]

You hit the nail on the head. This is hard as many know though. For me I have to try to really pay attention to my actions and feelings and constantly keep telling myself what to do. It's almost like you are fighting yourself. But I feel with time and practice it will become second nature.

I know exactly what you're saying here! I quite literally noticed 2 conflicting personalities in my head at times. I even said that after sending a text to my ex one day it was as if somebody else had taken my phone and sent the text and I was just realising what had happened. It's crazy how the mind plays tricks on you.

This is why staying no contact is so important. If you can just keep away from her, then you'll avoid letting her see all this madness that's affecting you, then one day when you're back to your rational self you can reappear in her life like nothing ever happened.

If guys were able to do this more, I believe there would be a much higher success rate in getting back with exes.

 

[tripod23]

if i reappeared in my exes life , i really cant believe she will ever forget how i blasted her then shot off into the night , then 3 months later nothing but silence from myself from that day to this day.......nothing.

i also dont think my ex would want me back in her life , i have come to the conclusion that its dead and buried ....i have acctually accepted this fact now.....its been hard to do . but this is what life throws at you , and you have to step upto the mark and carry on , because what other options do you have , other than making a cvnt of yourself like whiney little *****.

so yeah its over from where im stood , and as time be it hours , days , weeks , and now months , it has sunk in loud and clear .

it all feels like a shame that we couldnt work things out , but she is so stubburn that i would get more response from talking to a lampshade so i will sholdier on regardless , she is a tough girl so i know she will be fine whatever happend. and i wish her all the best.

whats done is done.

 

[Machtwo]

This is why staying no contact is so important. If you can just keep away from her, then you'll avoid letting her see all this madness that's affecting you, then one day when you're back to your rational self you can reappear in her life like nothing ever happened.

If guys were able to do this more, I believe there would be a much higher success rate in getting back with exes.

I'm not so sure I can fully take this on board, I believe when a woman makes her mind up to check out, she's done & not looking back, plus if you had a stubborn S.O.B. like tripod23 & me, well you've no chance!

Just my few pence worth!!

 

[tripod23]

one more thing i would like to say is this , even tho i see what jariel is saying about reappearing in your exes life as if nothing has happend , but from my point of view if you have been treat like shyt , then they need to know you will not put up with this sort of thing in any way.

having said that i also think that when a chick thinks she can treat you anyway she wants and she can get you back any time she wants your seriously fvcked .

in my calm thinking mannor , i would say that karma is a mother fvcker , and in time they will realise that falling in love and finding someone who will be right with them may ,,,,and i say may just be rare to find .

now at the end of the day if they find special love else where , there is nothing and i repeat ...nothing you can do about it what so ever. only move on .

they maybe stubburn they may regret whats happend they may want to make things right , but unless they are making the moves you need to stay calm , go about your life , and meet other chicks , because you may find someone a whole lot better , just like she has suposidly done .

 

[Jariel]

I'm not saying you should hold out for your ex and should reappear in her life, but if there is going to be any chance at all of it happening, you need to get back to the guy she fell for.

Chances are you will meet someone else (and she will) before you get back together.

I know that my ex is very stubborn too and has tried to pin all the blame on me and not accepted responsibility for anything. I doubt that will ever change and I know that it's best never to pursue that again. But sometimes (going on past experiences) you meet with an ex down the road and those issues that caused you to break up seem so insignificant, grudges have been buried and you both see a new person in front of you.

But regardless of whether you want your ex back or not, you need to get past all that pain and insecurity she left you with before you move on.

 

[Renegade357]

I'm not so sure I can fully take this on board, I believe when a woman makes her mind up to check out, she's done & not looking back, plus if you had a stubborn S.O.B. like tripod23 & me, well you've no chance!

Just my few pence worth!!

Agreed. I bet mine is more stubborn than both yours put together.

 

[Groverz]

Felt like asking the ex if she wanted to get some coffee this weekend, gave her a few days to respond and she says she does not know, she is not sure if she would feel comfortable and has a lot of stuff going on and is really exhausted physically and emotionally, not fully sure what she means but not going to lose any sleep over it. Let her know the offer still stands I will be out at the mall doing some shopping if she wants to swing by for some coffee. Sounds like she is having a tuff time with things without me. O well

 

[Blazing]

Going NC once again and plan on finishing it this time. Hoping to improve myself every day as I go.

So here we are day 1

 

[tripod23]

groverz.....when they say they don't know wether they would feel comfortable , its just another way of them making you suffer imo , that's why its more important that you stay nc ,

now if they ask you to meet for coffee , then that's different , its always best if its their idea , otherwise they will flake and mess you around.

just my opinion , but I suppose every case is different .

good luck anyway.

 

[Renegade357]

Felt like asking the ex if she wanted to get some coffee this weekend, gave her a few days to respond and she says she does not know

I went through this with an old ex I had many years ago. I invited her over for dinner about a week after we broke up and she was really wishy washy with her response. "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I can't."

I didn't know it at the time (was totally clueless) but there was another guy in the picture she had lined up before we split. They became exclusive about 2 weeks later. I promise she's got a sick feeling in her stomach because she's conflicted and doesn't want to hurt you. Obviously she's not telling you the whole truth which is why you're probably feeling confused right now.

There's nothing you can do or say to make her come back to you. Only drive her away further. You have to keep that in mind always. She has to come back to you on her own. Just like a cat. They come and go as they please.

 

[mkj1990]

61 days of NC, and my ex that didn't want to see me anymore just asked me out.

Dji-zez.

 

[Groverz]

I went through this with an old ex I had many years ago. I invited her over for dinner about a week after we broke up and she was really wishy washy with her response. "I don't know. I'm sorry, but I can't."

I didn't know it at the time (was totally clueless) but there was another guy in the picture she had lined up before we split. They became exclusive about 2 weeks later. I promise she's got a sick feeling in her stomach because she's conflicted and doesn't want to hurt you. Obviously she's not telling you the whole truth which is why you're probably feeling confused right now.

There's nothing you can do or say to make her come back to you. Only drive her away further. You have to keep that in mind always. She has to come back to you on her own. Just like a cat. They come and go as they please.

I doubt she could handle being with another guy now, ****ing them sure but not a relationship. Either way I am not all too worried about it, with the ego boost I keep getting when I go out i forget about her pretty quickly but still do think about her. Just wish people would be honest, I really want to tell her just be blunt and honest it's not going to bother me. Crazy how they go from telling you everything to being super tight lipped, wonder if she is worried about hurting me, which could be a possibility. But little does she know I can handle it better than she can.

 

[narcissist]

i failed you guys

i looked at her tumblr and twitter

im weak as fvck

scould me

 

[narcissist]

head down in shame

uggggh

 

[tripod23]

never ever expect to be told the truth off a woman , its not the way they operate in these situations....they will tell you only what they want you to know......they want you to fill in the blanks like some sort of fvcking mind reader , far better to walk away from toxic shyt that's going to batter your head for weeks if not months.

logic and reason is not understood by females.......they act on emotions .

they never want to be looked at in a bad light either , so they just twist things in their favour most the time....and then blame you for why things have gone sideways and why shes now fvcking some dude who has just been a friend.........lol

 

[amatambi]

I'm not too sure how often a woman strays onto this forum, but the first post said boys -and- girls so I'm assuming I'm welcome?

My story is, I met a guy online a little over 2 months ago, we talked and texted for a week and then met up in person and spent the day together, and after that we basically took off. Our relationship got serious really fast (in retrospect perhaps that was part of the issue) but he seemed to love it and I did too. He had gone on over a dozen first dates over the summer before we met and he said he knew things with me were different the first time we met in person.

Fast forward a month, things are going so great, we hang out several times a week, the passion is out of this world and we're really starting to get close.

Go forward one more week and I start to feel like something is wrong. I don't like that feeling so I ask him if everything is okay, he calls me that night and we talk for a while. It was awkward, which wasn't normal for us. After the phone call (nothing much was said, just general conversation) he sends me this long email basically breaking up with me. He couldn't give me a concrete reason, he just said that something didn't feel right and things didn't fit and his heart was just saying no.

We end up talking later that night and after a long honest conversation he had changed his mind. I said I think we should take the weekend apart to think separately. Well, he didn't like not talking to me for that long because the next day he says "I want to be with you" and how he's so sure that that's what he wants. I of course accepted and was happy, but still a little shocked about how out-of-nowhere that all was.

Things were weird for a few days as I was on my toes a bit, but we got back into our flow and things were good for another week and half.

2 weeks after the first fall-out, it happened again. Another email saying the same thing.

I was an idiot and talked to him again after that, not trying to change his mind or anything.

He made it a point to say that he really wanted to stay friends. And I, stupidly, tried to right afterward. This conversation took place the night before Thanksgiving. And on Thanksgiving we texted a bit, and at the time it was great but after I just felt like ****. So Friday morning I sent him a message saying that I don't think it's a good idea that we talk anymore before I obviously want to stay in touch for the wrong reasons.

He made it sound like he was bummed, but understood. He told me he would not contact me but will be there when I am ready to. He made it a point to tell me that if I ever did, to not do so trying to get us back together.

That hurt. :/


And anyways, here I am about a week later. No contact since. I blocked him on social media and deleted his number so even if I wanted to I couldn't.

 

[drakeramore]

Hi guys,

Day #11.

My ex girl contacted me yesterday. Her message was very short asking me how I am feeling.

Now, she is a good girl and I assume she is indeed worried at least a little bit about me. But not as much. Most likely the bigger part of her reasons to write me is her ego trying to check on me and verify that I am still by myself, not dating anyone and still hurting. Which is more or less how I am feeling.

It was weird because her message came at a time when I am starting now to accept that my life will go on without her being in it anymore and that is fine even if it hurts a lot right now.

Anyway, I did not reply and do not intend to. I had told her the last time I contacted her that I will reply to her only if she needs my help in some way. (not as an emotional adviser or some other bs like that, just if she needs some help in general). And as she is in another country living with some other dude, I doubt that she needs my help at the moment from that distance.

She most likely just wants to get her validation once again and I am not going to oblige.

Thanks guys for the support here. I am not sure I would have had the determination to successfully keep my NC intact without this forum here.