The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jariel]

a lot of people here throw the BPD word around but my ex was diagnosed BPD. And when I learnt that I made it my mission to learn everything about it to help me cope with this behavior.

From what I have read about your ex she sounds to me like she has some symptoms/traits of BPD. If this is the case you are better off without her. they create havoc and even diagnosed BDPs will tell you to run if you have the chance.

She has not been diagnosed (to my knowledge) but she has been in councelling and on and off anti depressants. She has a lot of issues, but I always put them down to stress - divorce, losing her home, uncertainty of the future, financial worries etc.

However, when I read about BPD, she seems to show all those exact traits. The only thing she didn't do was get violent or aggressive towards me.

I read this article not long ago and can relate to it 100%

http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html

Borderlines can leave solid, long-term attachments or marriages very suddenly. You'll be feeling shocked and bewildered by this--particularly when she cites frustrations or problems you were never made aware of, to justify her abrupt departure. You might vacillate between numbness and tormenting confusion, but what's even worse, is she'll have you thinking you're responsible for this outcome! When you've done virtually everything to keep her satisfied and happy throughout this relationship (which has included putting your personal needs and desires aside to accommodate hers), you're left only with a sense of sheer exhaustion, painful craving and deep betrayal.

You cannot help agonizing over how she could leave--given all the times she told you this was the "best sex" she'd ever had, how much she needed you, and that she could never even imagine living without you! You've believed you were the center of her universe, and it was finally safe to let your guard down, and trust that she was here to stay.

This quote sums it up EXACTLY for me!!

It really helps to know that I'm not the only one going through this same sh!t and that there might actually be some kind of explanation for it.

Not that I plan to do anything about it or try to get her back, but I want to understand so I can heal and move on.

 

[itdude]

if that is how you were treated and how you felt then I'm afraid it seems she has BPD traits. the one thing I have learned from them is they are ALWAYS the VICTIM!!

I believe that knowledge is power and so by reading up on it now will help you heal and understand and let you begin to ACCEPT. that was the hardest phase for me to overcome. To accept that we will never be together again.

How did your friends like your ex? my family loved her as she also controlled them but at the end of the relationship and during the breakup they all pretty much saw through all of her and was relieved I escaped.

 

[soulforge]

Basically mate this is what happened to me and what I assume has happened to you...

All this time you were together, you have been feeding her ego and building her self esteem. She treats you like sh1t and you still forgive her and still love her. That's a lot of power going to her head. She feels like she can get away with anything and feels like "the prize".

She feels very confident right now and so she can go and see if the grass really is greener and go play the field.

Meanwhile, she has had the opposite effect on you. She's damaged your confidence, trodden you into the ground and left you feeling insecure and uncertain of yourself. Your ego has become dependent on her and you need her validation in order to feel whole.

The worst part is, your low confidence shows in your bodylanguage and behaviour, so you start to find that other women are less attracted to you. Meanwhile, she is oozing confidence and feeling good, so she appears attractive and finds it easier to socialise and meet other guys.

This is why most people seem to get more attention when they're in relationships. They give off this confident and secure vibe that makes them very appealing.

It sucks, it really does! It's a great injustice, but life just isn't fair. This is why so many people stay in abusive relationships and forgive cheating and so on. They become dependent on their partner for validation and to make them feel worthy.

This is another reason why no contact is so helpful. It stops you from feeding her ego even more and it stops her from wounding your ego, and allows you time to heal and regain some confidence. Whereas if you keep contacting her, begging or trying to insult or hurt her, you're just feeding her ego even more and making her more confident to meet other men, while you're decreasing your confidence, self worth and losing your dignity.

If you bounce back from this break up quickly and started seeing someone else, she'd start to question herself "How did he get over me so quickly?", "Did I not mean that much to him?" or "Am I really as special as I thought I was?" It knocks her off the pedestal and wounds her ego.

After my date with the underwear model after the ex from the previous post broke up with me, my friend said he saw a physical change come over me. The last time he saw me (only 2 days before), I was walking with slumped shoulders, my face looked drawn and I looked like a man with no value, but he said I was walking taller, head up, spreading out more when I sat down and I was giving off more positive vibes.

What's more, my ex had lost her biggest source of attention and ego inflation (me) and she started spiralling down. Nothing was going her way.

This is why when I broke up with my recent ex, I expressed the break up was a good thing for both of us and long overdue and I wished her the best finding a new man. It was just my way of evening up the power dynamic - letting her know that all the flattery and ego stimulation is gone and she's on her own now, with no safety net to fall back on.

I have no idea how it has affected her, but in my mind, it just helps me to keep my head high and walk away with dignity.

that is exactly how it is jariel...these woman are emotional vampires!

i think it is safe to say, that no contact is the only way forward & reconcilation with somebody like this in not even on the cards...

 

[Jariel]

if that is how you were treated and how you felt then I'm afraid it seems she has BPD traits. the one thing I have learned from them is they are ALWAYS the VICTIM!!

This is exactly true! She never once accepted any responsibility for arguments, breaking up or anything. Both times we broke up, she turned it against me and said it was because she was under stress and I was being selfish/moody. To hear her speak at this time, you would think I was a monster!

When she was going on about her ex and I picked her up on it, she made me out to be insensitive because she was struggling with her divorce and felt like she couldn't talk to me about it.

Always playing the victim.

This breakup also got me wondering if her ex husband was really as bad as she made out and if he found himself in a similar situation (or probably worse).

How did your friends like your ex? my family loved her as she also controlled them but at the end of the relationship and during the breakup they all pretty much saw through all of her and was relieved I escaped.

Same here. My friends all thought a lot of her, even one girl who generally hates all my girlfriends. My parents adored her too and when I told them I felt something wasn't right in the relationship they were really defensive OF HER. My mom even said, "poor girl, she's going through such a hard time" and both my parents told me to be understanding and have sympathy.

Even when I told my parents and my friends about finding her profile on a dating site a couple of days after our break up, they said they found it really hard to believe she would do that.

Even now, I sometimes question whether I was unfair and cruel when we broke up. I pre-emptively finished with her when she asked for space and I was very blunt about it. She'd said she had just experienced the hardest week of her life (final court case) and needed time to herself, and yet I reacted by telling her we should just finish it and move on.

She accused me of being self centred, insensitive and unsupportive, and was clearly very angry at me - which might explain some of her hurtful actions after. And at times I do worry she was right and I start thinking how much of a b@stard I was to end things when she was under so much stress, but then I keep reminding myself how cold and evasive she was in the weeks leading upto that point and I think this was all just a "poor me" act to deflect the blame onto me.

Women like this can really fvck with your head and make you doubt yourself - even make your family and friends doubt you!


BUT do you know what's scary about this research I've been doing on BPD? I think I may actually have it myself. I've just done a couple of surveys and they both indicated I have "severe BPD" and a lot of what I'm reading actually seems to apply to me.

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

Well guys im afraid i failed.. i rang him today,,, my thoughts were that id crack sooner or later and would rather get it out the way now.... plus i was getting sick and effin tired of hope... hope hell ring.. hope he misses me.. hope hes ok blah blah efinblah... now i know hes not gonna take me back.. im done...... No delusions . just desicions ... No games .. so tomorrow will be the first day of moving on.. not of waiting...dont get me wrong i still love him and miss him but...... im worth more then that... if he dont want me. so be it..

 

[itdude]

When she was going on about her ex and I picked her up on it, she made me out to be insensitive because she was struggling with her divorce and felt like she couldn't talk to me about it.

Always playing the victim.

This breakup also got me wondering if her ex husband was really as bad as she made out and if he found himself in a similar situation

.

Dude, that is typical bpd. It's an act. Damsel in distress. You have to save her from all these bad people. She told me the absolute worse stories. In the back if my mind I always thought how can all the exes be that bad. I should have realized then that she is the bad one. LEAVing a trail if destruction behind. And they do not love you unconditionally. The worst fear is that she will now portrait me as an ******* to her new friends.

Regarding taking the tests and you think your are bpd. Just know you are messed up at the moment. Be easy on yourself. But work on yourself now instead if the broken relationship.

 

[Machtwo]

Same here. My friends all thought a lot of her, even one girl who generally hates all my girlfriends. My parents adored her too and when I told them I felt something wasn't right in the relationship they were really defensive OF HER. My mom even said, "poor girl, she's going through such a hard time" and both my parents told me to be understanding and have sympathy.

I've had a really bad day today, I'm missing my 'best friend', soon to be ex wife, the chit chat, the closeness, I don't know why, most of the time I'm doing just fine.
I'll never come out of NC for her though, no way.

I've been going over my relationship with her today, I still can't get my head around it, I just don't see what her issues were!! I remembered one conversation with her brother about ten months ago, we were driving in my van, I told him that I was worried about his sister & more importantly about our marriage, his stunning advice was... "she's just being a woman, fvcking ignore her, they're all stupid fvcks"!

Well I was right to be worried and if you're wondering, I did ignore his advice!!

 

[Jariel]

I've had a really bad day today, I'm missing my 'best friend', soon to be ex wife, the chit chat, the closeness, I don't know why, most of the time I'm doing just fine.

That's how I feel a lot of the time. Something comes to my mind that she'd find interesting or funny and I just want to tell her or I think about the times we'd just be having fun, making each other laugh or even just talking. I loved how she would listen with interest when I'd go off on a rant or get really passionate about a subject and how she'd always encourage my goals.

You see, when my emotions settle down, I realise my relationship has actually been amazing and we were so good together. Sure, there were a lot of complications and she was distant or depressed during times of stress, but most of the relationship was really great.

A lot of my anger and resentment stems from the breakup and how she did it, and I'm gradually letting go of that now, but the pain stems from letting go of a really amazing friend and lover.

But like you, I have to keep this no contact going. Perhaps one day she will see the relationship in an objective way too and come to the same realization as me, but this will only happen on her own terms.

I've been going over my relationship with her today, I still can't get my head around it, I just don't see what her issues were!!

The old saying goes that familiarity breeds contempt. I think this is what happened between my ex and me and what happens in a lot of relationships. In fact, I was feeling that way about her towards the end too.

When you're too available, too comfortable, I guess it's easier to see each others faults and annoyances and take the good points for granted.

I'm sure if you keep up no contact and give her time to miss you, your ex will start to see the positives of your relationship. It may not mean you get back together, but she may well remember you at your finest.

 

[soulforge]

guys have you kept your mobile numbers etc

are your exes even able to contact you?

jarial i have changed my phone sim & i don't even check my email.

i am worried, that in the possibilty that she has branch swinged. i do not want to know the details... this would really crush me

so i am protecting myself on every level

what i am finding hard is... she maybe reaching out to me... but i will not know this, because she can't get me on the phone or by email...

either way it's better if i have f@ck all to do with her.... NO CONTACT

 

[Jariel]

Day 23:

It's been over a month since I last saw her and 23 days since last contact, but I'm still waking up each day overwhelmed with grief and loss. I keep running all these strategies through my mind to help me cope, list all her negatives and try to reason why I'm better off without her, and sometimes I genuinely feel better and like I'm moving on and those brief moments away from the pain feel like such a relief!

I get all this wisdom come to me that helps me rationalise things, but there is no rational solution to emotional issues. No matter what someone tells you, it won't reprogram what you really feel and underneath all my reasoning and logical thinking, I miss her so much and the thought of never having her in my life again is unbearable.

I thought it would be getting easier by now, but it seems to be getting more difficult. Now I'm seeing past the resentment and anger of our break up, it's hitting me just what I had and what I've lost.

I'm still not tempted to break no contact. If I did and I got a negative or dismissive response, or no response at all, it would be too hard to take. I don't have anything to say anyway and any plea or expression of my feelings would make me feel worse and cause more damage.

I've seen what happens when people break no contact. I've read about it so many times here and on other forums, and it always goes badly. It makes them feel worse about themselves, makes them feel like they never meant anything, and causes their ex to lose even more respect for them. In fact, in most cases, it pushes them closer to someone else. I even remember a friend of mine and her new boyfriend laughing at her ex and his desperate behaviour. Any feelings or respect she once had for him disappeared very quickly and she was left wondering what she ever saw in him.

No matter how hurt or desperate I feel, I never want to be that guy!

And let's say my ex did respond and want to see me? I'm so desperate, emotional and needy right now, I really couldn't handle it. Right now, I'm not the strong alpha male she fell for; I'm a pathetic and broken man. This was my mistake getting back with her last time we broke up and the reason I was so insecure in the latter part of our relationship.

My biggest problem in the relationship and now is that I'm letting her determine how I feel. During the good times, I would feel elated and life would be going really well, during the bad times and post break up, I'm miserable and see no point to life.

No man should ever give such power to another person. But again, you can't rationalise emotions.

I've been trying hypnosis, EFT and PSTEC, and even though the latter worked temporarily, nothing is really sinking in. I just wish there was a way I could cut off my emotional attachment to her so I can just get on with my life and get back to being the man I used to be.


What I'm finding extremely difficult now is that I have nobody to turn to. My family won't even make eye contact with me and if I attempt to talk to them about it, they purposely turn away or don't acknowledge me. My friends don't want me dragging them down and even though I don't talk about my break up, I guess my mood is just obvious to everyone. I feel so alone and this forum and this thread is the only company I have right now.

 

[soulforge]

Day 23:

It's been over a month since I last saw her and 23 days since last contact, but I'm still waking up each day overwhelmed with grief and loss. I keep running all these strategies through my mind to help me cope, list all her negatives and try to reason why I'm better off without her, and sometimes I genuinely feel better and like I'm moving on and those brief moments away from the pain feel like such a relief!

I get all this wisdom come to me that helps me rationalise things, but there is no rational solution to emotional issues. No matter what someone tells you, it won't reprogram what you really feel and underneath all my reasoning and logical thinking, I miss her so much and the thought of never having her in my life again is unbearable.

I thought it would be getting easier by now, but it seems to be getting more difficult. Now I'm seeing past the resentment and anger of our break up, it's hitting me just what I had and what I've lost.

I'm still not tempted to break no contact. If I did and I got a negative or dismissive response, or no response at all, it would be too hard to take. I don't have anything to say anyway and any plea or expression of my feelings would make me feel worse and cause more damage.

I've seen what happens when people break no contact. I've read about it so many times here and on other forums, and it always goes badly. It makes them feel worse about themselves, makes them feel like they never meant anything, and causes their ex to lose even more respect for them. In fact, in most cases, it pushes them closer to someone else. I even remember a friend of mine and her new boyfriend laughing at her ex and his desperate behaviour. Any feelings or respect she once had for him disappeared very quickly and she was left wondering what she ever saw in him.

No matter how hurt or desperate I feel, I never want to be that guy!

And let's say my ex did respond and want to see me? I'm so desperate, emotional and needy right now, I really couldn't handle it. Right now, I'm not the strong alpha male she fell for; I'm a pathetic and broken man. This was my mistake getting back with her last time we broke up and the reason I was so insecure in the latter part of our relationship.

My biggest problem in the relationship and now is that I'm letting her determine how I feel. During the good times, I would feel elated and life would be going really well, during the bad times and post break up, I'm miserable and see no point to life.

No man should ever give such power to another person. But again, you can't rationalise emotions.

I've been trying hypnosis, EFT and PSTEC, and even though the latter worked temporarily, nothing is really sinking in. I just wish there was a way I could cut off my emotional attachment to her so I can just get on with my life and get back to being the man I used to be.

keep going jarial, the pain will come & go in waves,,, your doing good, stick with no contact.

you do not want to know what she is doing... better to be in ignorance.

mate somethimes i think i am the lucky person her... seems like alot of you guys had a great loving caring relationship with youe exes

and those memories must be very hard to shake off...

in my case, my ex was pretty much most of the time quite horrible to me

so i wonder if it easier to get over a person who treated you like crap.. than a person for the most time treated you really really good

 

[soulforge]

saying all that... last night i felt so damn hurt... i could not sleep, think straight or eat.


all i can think of is her with another man.... but this morning i got up early & went to the gym.... i did an intense workout & now feeling much better

 

[Jariel]

Thanks mate!

I think every break up is different and affects us for different reasons. When we first broke up, I felt much the same as you and focused on all the negatives and why I'm better off without her, but now I've gone the opposite direction and I realise there weren't that many significant bad points in our relationship.

And yes, the thought my ex moving on with someone else still cripples me too. The only comfort I'm getting right now is the thought that she may be mourning me as she did when we broke up previously.

 

[adam225]

guys have you kept your mobile numbers etc

are your exes even able to contact you?

jarial i have changed my phone sim & i don't even check my email.

i am worried, that in the possibilty that she has branch swinged. i do not want to know the details... this would really crush me

so i am protecting myself on every level

what i am finding hard is... she maybe reaching out to me... but i will not know this, because she can't get me on the phone or by email...

either way it's better if i have f@ck all to do with her.... NO CONTACT

Everyone has this fear. The thing is you just need to accept what is for what it is. If you can go out and f*ck other girls then surely it's ok for her to do the same ? As harsh as it is you just need to accept it and focus on becoming free and happy again. You'll get there... I promise. ..

 

[rossitheking]

Day 23:

It's been over a month since I last saw her and 23 days since last contact, but I'm still waking up each day overwhelmed with grief and loss. I keep running all these strategies through my mind to help me cope, list all her negatives and try to reason why I'm better off without her, and sometimes I genuinely feel better and like I'm moving on and those brief moments away from the pain feel like such a relief!

I get all this wisdom come to me that helps me rationalise things, but there is no rational solution to emotional issues. No matter what someone tells you, it won't reprogram what you really feel and underneath all my reasoning and logical thinking, I miss her so much and the thought of never having her in my life again is unbearable.

I thought it would be getting easier by now, but it seems to be getting more difficult. Now I'm seeing past the resentment and anger of our break up, it's hitting me just what I had and what I've lost.

I'm still not tempted to break no contact. If I did and I got a negative or dismissive response, or no response at all, it would be too hard to take. I don't have anything to say anyway and any plea or expression of my feelings would make me feel worse and cause more damage.

I've seen what happens when people break no contact. I've read about it so many times here and on other forums, and it always goes badly. It makes them feel worse about themselves, makes them feel like they never meant anything, and causes their ex to lose even more respect for them. In fact, in most cases, it pushes them closer to someone else. I even remember a friend of mine and her new boyfriend laughing at her ex and his desperate behaviour. Any feelings or respect she once had for him disappeared very quickly and she was left wondering what she ever saw in him.

No matter how hurt or desperate I feel, I never want to be that guy!

And let's say my ex did respond and want to see me? I'm so desperate, emotional and needy right now, I really couldn't handle it. Right now, I'm not the strong alpha male she fell for; I'm a pathetic and broken man. This was my mistake getting back with her last time we broke up and the reason I was so insecure in the latter part of our relationship.

My biggest problem in the relationship and now is that I'm letting her determine how I feel. During the good times, I would feel elated and life would be going really well, during the bad times and post break up, I'm miserable and see no point to life.

No man should ever give such power to another person. But again, you can't rationalise emotions.

I've been trying hypnosis, EFT and PSTEC, and even though the latter worked temporarily, nothing is really sinking in. I just wish there was a way I could cut off my emotional attachment to her so I can just get on with my life and get back to being the man I used to be.


What I'm finding extremely difficult now is that I have nobody to turn to. My family won't even make eye contact with me and if I attempt to talk to them about it, they purposely turn away or don't acknowledge me. My friends don't want me dragging them down and even though I don't talk about my break up, I guess my mood is just obvious to everyone. I feel so alone and this forum and this thread is the only company I have right now.

Jariel,

You are not a pathetic or broken man. You are a grieving and healing man.

23 days - you may not think it yourself but to me and others you are doing great. Think of the people with the lack of knowledge that you have that can't go 23 minutes without breaking contact.

You are not one of them. This is a challenge. Remember that.

We are not robots. We are all human, we are supposed to hurt.

This may be irrelevant to you, but a man I know whose a bit of player just broke it off with this girl. They were together for about 3 months. He made it look like he didn't have a care in the world about it in front of others. I seen him alone in his room crying his eyes out.

We all hurt man.

Also, you said it yourself - you've dealt with break ups in the past and overcame them. You will come through this one.

Remember, a sportsman whose suffered a broken leg doesn't return to the field after 23,30 or 60 days. It takes time.

Eat healthily, stay active and stay NC. Your value in yourself will come back stronger once you've healed. You know this. Keep at it buddy.

 

[henrea4]

Great post Rossitheking.

repped.

Word.

 

[rossitheking]

Cheers guys.

Ps. I would take that list of all the negatives you made about her and rip it up completely. Never make another list about her again. It's what betterz pointed out - you are giving her too much focus. You may think its helping by reaffirming her negatives but the mind won't give a fvck. Focus is still focus. Good or bad.

Better to get a new piece of paper and write out a list of your new diet and workout plan. That will give you a new start at least.

 

[Jariel]

Thanks Rossi, I would've repped you for that post, but I've already repped you as much as I can.

I realise what you and others are saying is absolutely true. By trying to get over her, I am thinking about her. By trying to ease my pain, I must first be aware of the pain. And yet this is all I've been doing since the break up. I've even been putting my life on hold thinking "I'll get on with my life once I work out how to get over this break up".

Now it's pointed out, I see why this is not good for me at all.

I've taken your advice and dumped my lists about her. All I have now is a list of goals, positives of being single and the lessons I've learned from this break up.

The last time my ex and I broke up, I bounced back so strongly and it set me on the path to building up a side business. That business is starting to take off now and shows potential. However, I have to confess she was my motivation - to become financially secure and successful so we could have the fantasy life we always talked of. I'm not sure if that's a good thing to do or if I'm just keeping myself hooked, but there is something very inspiring about the idea of meeting her a year or so from now and being more successful and desirable.

As for diet and working out. I'm going at it hard. I decided now is a good time to bulk since that is when I feel most masculine and bold. It's going great to be fair and I'm already looking bigger and badder than I've looked for ages. I just wish I could feel the animalistic mindset that goes with it.

I do feel like a broken man, but you're right, grieving takes time for anybody and I should be more accepting of it. It happens to even the strongest of men and it helps to get that perspective.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no option other than no contact. If I never see or hear from her again, I want her to remember me as the man she had an amazing relationship with, but who walked out of her life with dignity and without drama when it was over.

She's not used to a man doing that. Her ex husband continues to plead, play mind games, guilt trip and all the typical desperate and emotional behaviour. Likewise, all her girlfriends had needy ex boyfriends/husbands who made a drama and tried desperately to win them back. No contact is my chance to set myself apart from all these guys and show that I'm more confident and in control.

Thanks again for the support, it means a lot!

 

[Machtwo]

What I'm finding extremely difficult now is that I have nobody to turn to. My family won't even make eye contact with me and if I attempt to talk to them about it, they purposely turn away or don't acknowledge me. My friends don't want me dragging them down and even though I don't talk about my break up, I guess my mood is just obvious to everyone. I feel so alone and this forum and this thread is the only company I have right now.

My heart goes out to you mate, I feel exactly the same, but in a slightly different way: My family, especially my mum, are right in my corner, she knows instantly I walk in the room how I'm feeling, I couldn't get through this without them. My friends lend an ear and listen to me babble on from time to time and take the pi$$ a lot, this helps brighten my mood for a while. But this is what brings tears to my eyes, my in-laws loved me to bits, my mother-in-law was the best, she treated me like a son, said I was her third son, her two brothers told me I was 'their' brother too, in five months I've heard nothing from any of them, it breaks my heart, what have I learned, talk is cheap, they are full of BS and this makes me angry for being so gullable.

Keep your head up Jariel, it has to get better, it just has to.

 

[julie2013]

Cheers guys,
I am on day 20th and just feel destroyed.....crying and crying.......have no idea what to do any more..........