The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[soulforge]

whats really bothering me is... she was talking to some dude... i really dont know if they are seeing each other now..

but me dumping her, might have pushed her to him.

it's crazy because, this girl was nothing but drama, stress, 5 break ups due to her rude behaviour & attitude

yet i invested 2 years in her... how f@cked up

 

[soulforge]

Soulforge, how long are you going to second-guess yourself? Everyone who read your sitch said you did the right thing by dumping her.


She was abusive.

End of story

true mate... and i appreciate your advice,,, just having a down day i guess.

will snap the f@ck out of it

 

[Jariel]

I feel like I'm making progress. No doubts, no temptation to contact her and I'm seeing all the positives of being out of the relationship.

But every morning I wake up in such pain and it takes hours to try and get my head straight for the rest of the day.

She used to say to me I was the first thing she thought about when she woke up in a morning and it always put a smile on her face knowing we were together. It was the same for me for over a year, except now I'm waking up to thoughts of her that are painful and cause me misery.

As I've said in a previous post, I've written a list (a very long one now) of negatives about my ex and our relationship and a heap of positives about moving on. I have it on my PC and on my phone and whenever I start to feel down I keep referring to it. It really does help, but it takes a lot of effort to focus my thoughts and stop them wandering.

I really want to move on and forget about her, even if it means erasing her from my mind completely!

There's a girl I've been texting lately. She is gorgeous, funny, sweet and really likes me. She has no baggage, no recent exes and she seems so perfect for me. I keep putting off dating her because of these lows I'm experiencing as I really don't want her to be a rebound and don't want to be pining for my ex while I'm with her.

It's so frustrating because I want to move on and I have the opportunity to move on to someone much better, I just need to get my damn head straight!

 

[soulforge]

I feel like I'm making progress. No doubts, no temptation to contact her and I'm seeing all the positives of being out of the relationship.

But every morning I wake up in such pain and it takes hours to try and get my head straight for the rest of the day.

She used to say to me I was the first thing she thought about when she woke up in a morning and it always put a smile on her face knowing we were together. It was the same for me for over a year, except now I'm waking up to thoughts of her that are painful and cause me misery.

As I've said in a previous post, I've written a list (a very long one now) of negatives about my ex and our relationship and a heap of positives about moving on. I have it on my PC and on my phone and whenever I start to feel down I keep referring to it. It really does help, but it takes a lot of effort to focus my thoughts and stop them wandering.

your doing well jariel keep up the good work... i have done a similar list as you have & the negatives way way way out wiegh the positives!!

i mean it's shocking how blinded you become when you love someone.. mornings are also very difficult for me... the first thing i think about is her & who she might be sleeping with.

but honestly i don't have that many tender moments about her... i don't recall any special moments where i felt truley loved by this person.

i go through waves of sadness... then intense anger & regret.


you are doing great mate if you have no temptaion of contacting her!

i had a moment of weakness last night & wanted to reach out to her...

see the problem with me is... i go back to blaming myself for all this, so i get this urge to try & fix things with her....

but i,m begining to see things a bit more clearly now & i realize that it's not me to blame for this break up... she has twisted my logic & head f@cked me to the point, where i end up questioning my own logic

i believe this is a common condition some men feel, after experiencing a relationship with a bdp woman.

my intiention is to remain no contact for good.... i just want this poison out of my life, so i can live again.

stick with the no contact jariel, your doing good

 

[rossitheking]

I witnessed something today which you could link to this thread.

So I was at a restaurant and a family was enjoying a 3 course set meal. The daughter was halfway through her main course when she stopped suddenly claiming she was full. The father said okay and excused her to use the toilet. She came back, sat down at the table, picked up the spoon and went to tuck into the cake. Immediately, and calmly I might add, the father took the spoon out of her hand, called over the waiter and asked for the bowl of dessert to be removed. The waiter did so and was thanked by dad. The child was upset and in tears.

Shortly afterwards, the child apologized and sat watching while mum and dad had their dessert.

So in the space of fifteen minutes of observing this family I couldn't help but feel great respect for the dad. Here was a man of calmness, integrity, values and honesty. No games. It was his rules, and his rules only. I have a feeling that this young girl will achieve in life....

My point - the dad set an example of how to behave properly.

.....as I witnessed the family leave the restaurant, the young girl couldn't let go of the person she respects more than anything else.

I realise more so now that respect is earned from your actions....If you can feel that from a stranger you've only seen for 15 minutes, then I'm pretty sure you will be viewed in the same way if you stay true to yourself and live consistently to your high values.

Do you think your viewed with respect?

 

[Jariel]

That's an interesting observation Rossi and so true.

I think many of us...perhaps most of us here have come to realise that we did not command such respect with our girlfriends and that may be why we lost them.

The last weekend I spent with my girlfriend, where her feelings suddenly seemed to drop, we had a little argument. She told me to go and take something to the car. I stopped for a minute and pulled her up on it. I told her she'd been giving me orders that morning and I found it disrespectful.

Now, if I'd stuck to that, I might've gained her respect. Unfortunately, I backed down and said I understood she was stressed out and tried to back out of an argument.

I had done this once before. She'd been talking about her ex too much and I snapped at her and told her I was sick of hearing about him and I'm not her shoulder to cry on and I'm not her friend. Good for me, eh? Except once again, I backed down and apologised for snapping and wimped out.

I did this because I was insecure. She'd already dumped me once because I picked a fight when she was under a lot of stress, so I'd been walking on eggshells since we got back together, trying to avoid it happening again.

Even though I knew I should be standing up for myself and I tried, it just seemed safer to take it all back and avoid drama and risk breaking up again. In other words, I took the cowards way out and went against my better judgement, against my rules and integrity as a man.

What you said is so correct...respect is earned from your actions and living consistently to your values. I did not do that and I lost her respect.

 

[rossitheking]

Hey Jariel,

It's pretty strange how you can look back and pick out specific moments where you feel you made the wrong choice eh! I think that's a great sign of learning.

Good on you with the new girl, you say she's funny - how did you guys meet then? She could be a nice little distraction for ya!

 

[Jariel]

Day 21:

Today has been one of the most difficult days. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. My friends and family are very cold and dismissive with me. They see me looking miserable and they get annoyed at me and just tell me to "get over it" or "stop thinking about her".

If it was that simple, don't they think I would do that?

I'm still struggling with acceptance right now. I keep thinking about our previous break up and how similar this all feels. She behaved very coldly with me then too and she even told me when it happened she felt nothing and didn't care and that I should just move on.

However, once her anger settled, it hit her as a delayed reaction a few days later and I found out that she'd been crying every day for 3 weeks and was utterly grief stricken. She even told me she had moments of feeling suicidal, but had refused to contact me because she felt it was unfair to give me hope when she was such a mess and couldn't offer me what I need from a relationship.

Lately, all this has been playing through my mind. I keep wondering what if she's going through all this again? What if she's experiencing a delayed reaction again and has realised how much I mean to her?

It doesn't make any difference in reality because I still intend to move on, but with such thoughts going through my mind it's making it very difficult to reach the stage of acceptance. I still find it too hard to believe she just fell out of love with me over the space of a weekend when the previous week she wouldn't stop holding me and kissing me, we had sex for 3 hours and again the next day, she was constantly telling me she loves me over and over and talking about how much she wants to live with me and looks forward to cooking my meals and ironing my clothes. And all week she was texting to say how much she missed me and how she was thinking about me.

On one hand, I don't want to shatter this idea that she still cares, even if it is just an illusion because when I think this way it empowers me and makes it easier to move on. Strange isn't it? It's actually the thought of her not caring and ditching me for someone else that seems to keep me stuck in my rut of pain and despair and stop me moving forward?!

The thing is, everything else in my life is going really well and I've got so much to be thankful for, I just find it difficult to focus on it all during these low moods.

So yeah, a bad day today, but I'm starting to feel a bit better this afternoon.

 

[Jariel]

Hey Jariel,

It's pretty strange how you can look back and pick out specific moments where you feel you made the wrong choice eh! I think that's a great sign of learning.

Good on you with the new girl, you say she's funny - how did you guys meet then? She could be a nice little distraction for ya!

Thanks mate. I've always tried to learn something from bad experiences and I made some major transformations to myself and to my life by doing this.

The new girl is a friend of a work colleague. I met her during a work function earlier in the year and told my colleague to pass on my number. She's really great and when I think of dating her it feels right.

I just need to keep my mood up long enough to give it chance.

 

[itdude]

Had a busy weekend and even chatted up a girl yesterday. Was a great feeling for me to actually not think about my ex for the whole day.

I come to this thread just to get the feelings out as my family and friends don't allow me to talk about my ex any longer which is a GOOD THING! She still contacts me and the more I move on and ignore the more frequent it becomes. It is a good feeling to know she is now struggling more than me. Can't believe I'm at this point where I am happy again and looking forward to a great summer. Just made me realize that I was so happy before I met her and I have found myself again.

Be strong guys The pain will eventually go away.

 

[soulforge]

Thanks mate. I've always tried to learn something from bad experiences and I made some major transformations to myself and to my life by doing this.

The new girl is a friend of a work colleague. I met her during a work function earlier in the year and told my colleague to pass on my number. She's really great and when I think of dating her it feels right.

I just need to keep my mood up long enough to give it chance.

jariel clear your inbox mate, send you a private message

 

[Jariel]

All clear mate!

 

[Jariel]

To hell with it...

I've decided I'm going on a date next weekend. I've been texting this new girl all evening and had a chat on the phone and I'm going to take the chance.

I can sit here and question my decisions, torture myself over what my ex is doing and who she's with, reflect on the good and bad times and all that, but while I'm doing this I'm just getting stuck deeper into my rut.

I know I won't be able to get her out of my head and I'll continue to wake up feeling down, but I need to make an effort to keep moving forward, even if it goes against how I'm feeling.

The problem with depression/grief is that the more you wallow in it, the worse it gets. It can even be addictive.



A true inspirational story...

I was thinking over my worst ever break up this evening and how I got over it.

After the break up, my ex turned very cold and nasty, telling me she never had feelings for me and I was just a rebound. In the coming weeks, she took pleasure from taunting and torturing me...feeding me hope, waiting for me to chase her, beg her, and then she'd crush me. She even started leading on one of my closest friends and trying to make me jealous.

In the end I decided to go no contact. It wasn't easy, especially when she kept texting me and trying to give me hope.

Then one day I decided to go on a date with a gorgeous underwear model. I wasn't feeling it at first, but I decided to take the chance. We ended up having such a great time and we really clicked.

That same night my ex contacted me to tell me she had been fvcking a new guy and thought I should know (I didn't need to know, she just wanted to hurt me). Had she told me that a couple of days before I'd have been totally crushed, but that night I just laughed it off and ignored the text.

A few days later, my friend told my ex I'd been on a few dates. She went mad and was cursing all night about what a b@stard I was and how much she hated me. Coincidentally, she dumped the new guy a few days later and started trying to be my friend. I continued no contact until she disappeared from my life.

I didn't continue seeing the underwear model for long, but those few dates were enough to restore my confidence and faith in women again. My feelings for my ex faded pretty quickly after that and I got on with my life.

It's time to heed that lesson and start getting back into the dating game.

 

[soulforge]

To hell with it...

I've decided I'm going on a date next weekend. I've been texting this new girl all evening and had a chat on the phone and I'm going to take the chance.

I can sit here and question my decisions, torture myself over what my ex is doing and who she's with, reflect on the good and bad times and all that, but while I'm doing this I'm just getting stuck deeper into my rut.

I know I won't be able to get her out of my head and I'll continue to wake up feeling down, but I need to make an effort to keep moving forward, even if it goes against how I'm feeling.

The problem with depression/grief is that the more you wallow in it, the worse it gets. It can even be addictive.



A true inspirational story...

I was thinking over my worst ever break up this evening and how I got over it.

After the break up, my ex turned very cold and nasty, telling me she never had feelings for me and I was just a rebound. In the coming weeks, she took pleasure from taunting and torturing me...feeding me hope, waiting for me to chase her, beg her, and then she'd crush me. She even started leading on one of my closest friends and trying to make me jealous.

In the end I decided to go no contact. It wasn't easy, especially when she kept texting me and trying to give me hope.

Then one day I decided to go on a date with a gorgeous underwear model. I wasn't feeling it at first, but I decided to take the chance. We ended up having such a great time and we really clicked.

That same night my ex contacted me to tell me she had been fvcking a new guy and thought I should know (I didn't need to know, she just wanted to hurt me). Had she told me that a couple of days before I'd have been totally crushed, but that night I just laughed it off and ignored the text.

A few days later, my friend told my ex I'd been on a few dates. She went mad and was cursing all night about what a b@stard I was and how much she hated me. Coincidentally, she dumped the new guy a few days later and started trying to be my friend. I continued no contact until she disappeared from my life.

I didn't continue seeing the underwear model for long, but those few dates were enough to restore my confidence and faith in women again. My feelings for my ex faded pretty quickly after that and I got on with my life.

It's time to heed that lesson and start getting back into the dating game.

wow jariel

i love this story.... haha

same here mate, my current ex has done this to me too, when the last time i dumped her for poor behaviour

i got the whole i will be banging somebody else b@ll****.... and trying to reel me back in

f@ck it mate, time for us to move onto greener pastures... and let these toxic baggage ridden woman go.. hard as it might be, we will get there even if it takes months!

there is not turning back now!


some years ago i was seeing this girl, she had the hottest body & amazins sex, over some months i fell for her.

anyway she turned out to be total bat sh@t crazy lol... started to f@ck with my head, so i got rid of her!!!

5 months later, she starts blowing up my phone... despratley wanting to talk to me.. obviously she had been pumped & dumped, so she needed a branch to swing to (me)

anyhow i told her to do one... so she started threating me.. she had my brothers mobile number & was threatining to bang my brother!! haha


i know we are on the down now... but trust me, they will come running back at some point... maybe months down the line, but i,m certain it will happen!

 

[Jariel]

Your ex sounds quite a lot like the one in my previous post. She was beautiful, but really cruel and treated me so badly.

She ended up apologising to me about 8 months after we broke up and tried to get with me again. She said she was going through a bad time in her life before and gave me all these excuses, but kept asking me to meet and kept sending me naked photos of herself.

I was absolutely besotted with this girl at one time, and yet I found myself feeling nothing for her. We still talk now sometimes and we actually get on well as mates. Time has healed the wounds and bitterness. She still wants me to meet with her and invites me to stay at her house, but I've no interest in her any more.

She only behaved like a b1tch to me because I let her. I guess that sense of power goes to their heads and makes them feel good about themselves. But now that she has no control over me, she's sweet and respectful.

You will find the same thing with your ex. Once you move on, you will look back and wonder what you were thinking to put up with that sh1t. She may come back into your life one day and you'll be in control and less attached.

 

[soulforge]

Your ex sounds quite a lot like the one in my previous post. She was beautiful, but really cruel and treated me so badly.

She ended up apologising to me about 8 months after we broke up and tried to get with me again. She said she was going through a bad time in her life before and gave me all these excuses, but kept asking me to meet and kept sending me naked photos of herself.

I was absolutely besotted with this girl at one time, and yet I found myself feeling nothing for her. We still talk now sometimes and we actually get on well as mates. Time has healed the wounds and bitterness. She still wants me to meet with her and invites me to stay at her house, but I've no interest in her any more.

She only behaved like a b1tch to me because I let her. I guess that sense of power goes to their heads and makes them feel good about themselves. But now that she has no control over me, she's sweet and respectful.

You will find the same thing with your ex. Once you move on, you will look back and wonder what you were thinking to put up with that sh1t. She may come back into your life one day and you'll be in control and less attached.

in my case jariel, my ex has been pretty disrespectful from day one...

the thing is, she is not very femenin, she puts on the mask of bieng sweet & angelic... but underneath she is masculine... control freak...

does not like a man telling her, what she can or cannot do.... she does not like to be lead by a man!

(not exactly wife material)

it's a catch 22 situation... when you have invested a year into the relationship & your in love with her... plus the sex is great...

you forgive her for a few incidents here & there... she takes advantage of that & f@cking steam rolls you.

next thing you know, she is chipping away at you, turning the balance of power.

but because we are in love & invested... like idiots we hang around.

we should be dumping these b@tches straight away, as soon as they start playing up.

oh well lesson learned... i don't think she was right for me either way... too much baggage

 

[Jariel]

Basically mate this is what happened to me and what I assume has happened to you...

All this time you were together, you have been feeding her ego and building her self esteem. She treats you like sh1t and you still forgive her and still love her. That's a lot of power going to her head. She feels like she can get away with anything and feels like "the prize".

She feels very confident right now and so she can go and see if the grass really is greener and go play the field.

Meanwhile, she has had the opposite effect on you. She's damaged your confidence, trodden you into the ground and left you feeling insecure and uncertain of yourself. Your ego has become dependent on her and you need her validation in order to feel whole.

The worst part is, your low confidence shows in your bodylanguage and behaviour, so you start to find that other women are less attracted to you. Meanwhile, she is oozing confidence and feeling good, so she appears attractive and finds it easier to socialise and meet other guys.

This is why most people seem to get more attention when they're in relationships. They give off this confident and secure vibe that makes them very appealing.

It sucks, it really does! It's a great injustice, but life just isn't fair. This is why so many people stay in abusive relationships and forgive cheating and so on. They become dependent on their partner for validation and to make them feel worthy.

This is another reason why no contact is so helpful. It stops you from feeding her ego even more and it stops her from wounding your ego, and allows you time to heal and regain some confidence. Whereas if you keep contacting her, begging or trying to insult or hurt her, you're just feeding her ego even more and making her more confident to meet other men, while you're decreasing your confidence, self worth and losing your dignity.

If you bounce back from this break up quickly and started seeing someone else, she'd start to question herself "How did he get over me so quickly?", "Did I not mean that much to him?" or "Am I really as special as I thought I was?" It knocks her off the pedestal and wounds her ego.

After my date with the underwear model after the ex from the previous post broke up with me, my friend said he saw a physical change come over me. The last time he saw me (only 2 days before), I was walking with slumped shoulders, my face looked drawn and I looked like a man with no value, but he said I was walking taller, head up, spreading out more when I sat down and I was giving off more positive vibes.

What's more, my ex had lost her biggest source of attention and ego inflation (me) and she started spiralling down. Nothing was going her way.

This is why when I broke up with my recent ex, I expressed the break up was a good thing for both of us and long overdue and I wished her the best finding a new man. It was just my way of evening up the power dynamic - letting her know that all the flattery and ego stimulation is gone and she's on her own now, with no safety net to fall back on.

I have no idea how it has affected her, but in my mind, it just helps me to keep my head high and walk away with dignity.

 

[itdude]

when I first met my bpd ex fiancé, I saw the red flags right from the get go. I ignored all her requests for dates/chats for 8 months as I knew she were trouble. But like all BPD they are beautiful and know exactly how to reel you in as they treat you like a king. but that doesn't last. you go from being white to black in a very short time and it leaves us scratching our heads and with broken hearts.

 

[Jariel]

when I first met my bpd ex fiancé, I saw the red flags right from the get go. I ignored all her requests for dates/chats for 8 months as I knew she were trouble. But like all BPD they are beautiful and know exactly how to reel you in as they treat you like a king. but that doesn't last. you go from being white to black in a very short time and it leaves us scratching our heads and with broken hearts.

I have to say I did wonder if my ex had BPD. She even made a lighthearted comment about it herself because of her extreme moodswings. One day she'd be moping around and downtrodden, then other days she'd be laughing at the slightest thing and full of life.

The same thing would happen with her affection levels. One day she'd barely acknowledge my existence, then the next day she'd be holding onto me, begging me to stay another night and declaring how crazy in love she was with me.

I never knew where I stood with her and the ups and downs played havoc with my head and heart. This is exactly how it has ended too...with me wondering how she could change so suddenly and go so cold towards me, when a week beforehand she was telling her friends and family how desperately she wanted to live with me and get married.

 

[itdude]

a lot of people here throw the BPD word around but my ex was diagnosed BPD. And when I learnt that I made it my mission to learn everything about it to help me cope with this behavior.

From what I have read about your ex she sounds to me like she has some symptoms/traits of BPD. If this is the case you are better off without her. they create havoc and even diagnosed BDPs will tell you to run if you have the chance.