The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[darkstarjedi]

I am on day 14 of NC.

It was also brought to my attention recently that my ex of 2.5 years is also borderline BPD which can be a lot worse that an actual diagnosis with meds. I never knew if I was going to get Dr. Jekyll or Ms. Hyde.

She has called or sent a text every other day for the past 2 weeks. I love you. I miss you. I think about you and I am happy. I think about you and I am sad.

She finally left a voice message last night acknowledging the fact that I am not returning messages. Since I know that I should not respond to her I will type what I would say to here.

"Amy, you handed me back the ring and 7 days later your ex-boyfriend's BMW was in your driveway with the blinds up and candles lit on the piano.

You w#ore. Go find another tool." :box:

 

[itdude]

darkstarjedi - do not reply at all. Good on you for sticking to NC in those conditions. same thing happened to me. she gave me the ring back and moved on. and then when I started to move on she came back with I love you and miss you.

be strong. It gets better after 14 to 21 days. Not a lot.... but enough to give you hope.

 

[Machtwo]

When it's over it's over. Stop mourning and move on.

Point taken, but I'm sure most DJ's would agree it's just not as simple as that.

 

[Jariel]

FVCK!!!

Just when I think it's getting easier, I end up falling all the way back to square one.

I know I have to move on and I keep trying. It's the only way to deal with this, but at times it's just so difficult to accept it's over. Sometimes it's like I'm waiting for her to come to her senses and realise she made a big mistake because I just can't believe the woman I've known all this time could ever want to move on.

Not so long ago she was talking about how madly in love she is with me, how much she wants us to live together and grow old together, telling her friends and parents how crazy she is about me and how she sees her future with me...and then over the space of a weekend, she just loses interest and wants me out of her life?! I still can't believe that can happen. How can all our memories, our special moments, the intimate bond, the time spent getting to know each other, the private jokes, the amazing sex and everything we put into the relationship just lose all meaning over a weekend?

I know this is unproductive thinking and it's keeping me trapped in the pain of my break up, but I literally can't help it. My mind just cannot rest and I can't seem to find peace.

 

[Machtwo]

Jariel:

My exit was 6 months in the making, I didn't ignore the warning signs, I kept asking questions and I kept getting reassured things were ok, when I knew that they were not. I've now been single for nearly six months and nor can I believe what has happened, I am literally speechless, my jaw hangs open when I think how quickly things have progressed.

Everything you have said again, is like a mirror of my thoughts, stop doing it!! Ha-ha

 

[soulforge]

Hey man, wasn't trying to give false hope or anything with my last post. I am one of the biggest believers in NC and I support everyone on here who follows that path. The reason I support it so much is because I've tried getting over an ex in all three ways: remain in contact, limited contact, and no contact. No contact is the only way. And I do mean ONLY way.

During my relationship with this girl there were several signs of BPD that I couldn't recognize because I was all about short flings and one night stands. I was early 20s and my HS and college times were spent partying, not sitting at home watching movies and cuddling. So when I finally did settle down I just didn't really know what I was in for. Below are just a few of the things that were BPD red flags:

-Adoring affection followed by severe distance/hatred.
-Sex being used as a manipulator of my feelings
-Despressive episodes followed by extreme jubilation for apparently no reason
-Constant hospital visits and other ploys for attention
-A made up history of abuse
-Stories of how everyone in her life has abandoned her and I am the only one who has been there for her. Only to shove me away the next hour because I literally spilled milk on the table.
-Sex literally anywhere at any time followed by silence and removal of affection for maybe a week at a time.
-A personality disorder diagnosis which she did not share with me until after we broke up.

These are just SOME of the behaviors she displayed. I can go on and on. One thing I will say is that during the relationship I wasn't really ever beta. When she would freeze me out for a week at a time and do complete psychotic reversals of emotion, I would just walk away and find another girl to get my jollies off with. She never found out and I never felt terrible about it. It didn't mean I didn't care for her, but my sex drive is something that will be put on hold for no woman and her BS.

In short, my ex did NOT treat me crappy the entire relationship. In the beginning it was like no other honeymoon phase a normal relationship has ever gone through--only dudes who have dated bpds know what I'm talking about. I was built up as some sort of hero. She honestly made me feel like the king of the world--I was definitely the king of her pvssy. She told me she was falling for me like 1 month after we started being exclusive. About 3 months into the relationship though things started going downhill.

I turned her into a fb 2 months after she broke up with me. I went NC for one month, then saw her maybe two times more, then we had secks. In the backseat of my car. We did a couple more times and she tried to wrap me around her finger again but I wasn't falling for it this time. Had I stayed in limited contact with her I probably would have been caught back up in it. But mentally I was exhausted and just wanted to bang. She realized she couldn't have my heart anymore and she went nuts. Like psycho. After that I stopped talking to her.

hey man

in my case i,m not looking for hope, as i know my ex is nothing but trouble & not good for me.

splitting up with her, will no doubt be a blessing in disguise...

and yes she does display the classic signs of bdp, but i stayed around with this monster a bit too long.

the trouble i am having now, is getting over the anger i feel to towards her, also towards myself for putting up with her.

i guess other than staying 100% no contact there is nothing else i can do.

there is a possibility she may have branch swung already... but i don't know for a fact... not that i want to find out.

it's amazing how a bdp can leaving you feeling lost & addicted, like a junkie!


NEVER AGAIN !!

 

[soulforge]

struggling with my emotions today... did i do the right thing... did i do the wrong thing...

i dumped her because she was treating me ****ty... then i wanted her back... then she told me she needs to think about us getting back together...

then i find out she is talking to some dude... SO I DUMP HER AGAIN
(not being anybodies backup plan)


now thinking maybe i should have given her time to think.... but with another guy in the background? no way

but overall she was not a nice girlfriend, narcassist, bdp, so have to keep reminding myself of all that was horrible about her

and better to be in pain now, then later down the road

she was beautiful tho... miss the highs that i felt when around her

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

Hi everyone... Im in need of a male prospective and some gumption to follow the nc challenge...

 

[Jariel]

Hi everyone... Im in need of a male prospective and some gumption to follow the nc challenge...

Good luck. Best advice I can give you right now is to delete his number and his email addresses and block his Facebook! I've been so unpredictable and emotionally unstable since my breakup, it's the only way I've been able to stop myself from contacting my ex.

 

[Machtwo]

Hi everyone... Im in need of a male prospective and some gumption to follow the nc challenge...

Anymore info?

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

Im on day 4 of breakup and day 3 of no contact..

My story started about 9yrs ago when i met this man.. we talked a lot but never got together.. then he starts to fade away and then nothing for 4 years.. never thought id see him again.. almost had fallen for him... and as it turns out it was the same for him. we got together and were happy for 2 years then something tragic happend between him and i but i never told him... i did lie but to protect him.. but the loss and deciet killed me and i took it out on him and pretty much was nasty everytime he came up.. he dumped me on sat and i spoke to him sunday and txt to make sure we couldnt work it out... i drove 2 half hours to se him monday night to tell the truth and make him see it wasnt him making me unhappy but the situation i found myself in....... i know my mistakes... He says he forgives me.. he says he doesnt hate me.. and says he still loves me.... ive deleated his no as im so desparate to see him .. but im resisting... im not keen on the idea of waiting another 4 years just incase he changes his mind... i did refuse to be friends as i know i couldnt handle that....... im not sleeping... ive eaten one packet of crisps in 4 days.... do you think he meant what he said or just softeni g the blow???

 

[Jariel]

Jariel:

My exit was 6 months in the making, I didn't ignore the warning signs, I kept asking questions and I kept getting reassured things were ok, when I knew that they were not. I've now been single for nearly six months and nor can I believe what has happened, I am literally speechless, my jaw hangs open when I think how quickly things have progressed.

Everything you have said again, is like a mirror of my thoughts, stop doing it!! Ha-ha

haha, well it's good to know this is just a natural process others go through because at times I feel so unstable. I keep coming to terms with it, and then out of nowhere I'm feeling like my heart is being ripped out again...not to mention the stages of anger and denial.

I had a date lined up for this weekend and I've had to cancel. She's such a sweet and attractive lady and she likes me a lot, and under other circumstances she may be good potential there, but I just can't muster up the enthusiasm to date her right now and it's not fair on her. I've also stopped contacting another prospect too....I just need more time to heal.

I've been reading up on relationships during divorce and I was surprised how many men and women have found themselves in my exact situation. Amazing relationship, but towards the final divorce proceeding, he/she turns cold or asks for space and the relationship breaks down. A lot of what I've read said it's very common for a married person to mourn the loss of their marriage during these final stages. I guess that could offer some explanation, although it's really not what I wanted to hear.

 

[soulforge]

am i doing something wrong here

because i have changed the sim card on my phone, so i don't even know if she is contacting me

also i have not checked my email since the break up


the reason why? i know she was talking to some new dude... so feel like i have to protect my feelings now, so she cant say anything to hurt me


you could be texting me, wanting me back for all i know.. but i will not know this

 

[soulforge]

haha, well it's good to know this is just a natural process others go through because at times I feel so unstable. I keep coming to terms with it, and then out of nowhere I'm feeling like my heart is being ripped out again...not to mention the stages of anger and denial.

I had a date lined up for this weekend and I've had to cancel. She's such a sweet and attractive lady and she likes me a lot, and under other circumstances she may be good potential there, but I just can't muster up the enthusiasm to date her right now and it's not fair on her. I've also stopped contacting another prospect too....I just need more time to heal.

I've been reading up on relationships during divorce and I was surprised how many men and women have found themselves in my exact situation. Amazing relationship, but towards the final divorce proceeding, he/she turns cold or asks for space and the relationship breaks down. A lot of what I've read said it's very common for a married person to mourn the loss of their marriage during these final stages. I guess that could offer some explanation, although it's really not what I wanted to hear.

jariel it's funny how the emotions come in waves

some days i fell ok, then all of a sudden, i,m hit with this over whelming grief like i am today

every day i don't contact her, or check what she is saying... i feel like i could be losing her to another man

 

[Renegade357]

do you think he meant what he said or just softeni g the blow???

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you cheated on him. So your question is actually irrelevant. Whether he loves you or not it doesn't matter because loyalty is the most important thing to a man. You committed a mortal sin. It would be best for him to move away from you because you lack integrity. You're not a good girl for him. He will never trust you again. If you get back with him you will also lose respect for him as well. No win can be had in this situation.

Not trying to be harsh or anything it's just true. I've tried to reconcile with a cheater before. I never fully trusted her again which actually ended up destroying the relationship. Oh yeah, and she did it again. And I think you would too.

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

No no no you have me wrong.. ive never cheated on anyone in my life... i was pregnant and didnt tell him... hed made it quite clear at the begining and throuout he didnt want any.. i was distrought .. But lost the baby anyway.. so i had many many emotions to deal with .. i thought i could cope on my own.. as i thought him telling me to get rid. would be the end of us.... i didnt want yhat... but i ended up slowly killing myself anyway

 

[Jariel]

Edited...

I'm so sorry to hear what happened Ooodles. That is so tragic and must be a huge burden for you to have been carrying.

I wish I could give advice, but I've never been faced with a situation like this so I don't know what to suggest. Perhaps he just needs time to come to terms with it, in which case you are doing the right thing by going no contact and giving him space.

Meanwhile, we're all here to help support each other if you feel you need to rant, log your progress or whatever.

 

[Renegade357]

No no no you have me wrong.. ive never cheated on anyone in my life... i was pregnant and didnt tell him... hed made it quite clear at the begining and throuout he didnt want any.. i was distrought .. But lost the baby anyway.. so i had many many emotions to deal with .. i thought i could cope on my own.. as i thought him telling me to get rid. would be the end of us.... i didnt want yhat... but i ended up slowly killing myself anyway

Oh geeze, in that case I'm very sorry.

How bad did you treat him when you were wrapped up in guilt? I don't know why he wouldn't be more understanding about the whole thing.

 

[Jariel]

jariel it's funny how the emotions come in waves

some days i fell ok, then all of a sudden, i,m hit with this over whelming grief like i am today

every day i don't contact her, or check what she is saying... i feel like i could be losing her to another man

People keep saying to me things like:

"Get over her"
"Stop wallowing"
"Stop thinking about her"
"Move on"
"There are plenty more women out there"
"She's trash, you deserve better"
"You are better off without her"
"You will find happiness again with someone else"

...and so on.

They are right and I know they are right, but that doesn't help to break the emotional attachment or to clear the thoughts and questions that keep taking over my mind.

The truth is, I want to sever that attachment and put her behind me, I really do. I just want to be over her and move on.

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

I was pretty vile for quite a few months.. it never was violent and weve never really argued. but i made him feel horrible.. he finnished it cos he said he couldnt make me happy.. but it wasnt him.. i was weak and should have said what was going on... i drove 2 half hours there and 2 n half back.. to make him understand it was never about him.. i didnt break down.. but made it clear i thought we were worth saving.. he said he needed space and cos he left for 4 yrs before i said i couldnt live in limbo.. he mentioned being freinds but that would never be enough.. He says he forgives me and now understands but cant be with me right now.... so still in limbo.. He txt as i was driving home as its a long way to please let him know i got home safe.. i did and he rang me.. I told him i had to deleite him in order to fulfill his wishes of leaving him alone and he said you do what you have to.. we did love u and miss you and that was that... and now the process begins i guess.... I cant wait for him for years again.. that was cruel