The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Renegade357]

I was pretty vile for quite a few months..

Yeah, that will definitely drive someone away. Pretty sad story I'll say. The best thing you can do is say you're sorry again then tell him you're not interested in being his friend. You want more than that. You're going to go on with your life. Tell him if he changes his mind to call you. Then you go NC and move on.

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

I have indeed done all that. infact i made him promise to call if he did change his mind... but like my first post.. not sure if he meant he doesnt hate me and still loves me but doesnt want me right now or just trying to soften the blow.. I want to belive him.. it might help me move on... I think when all is said and done ill never truly get over him but i hope to find some piece with it all.. i think thats the best i can hope for right now

 

[soulforge]

People keep saying to me things like:

"Get over her"
"Stop wallowing"
"Stop thinking about her"
"Move on"
"There are plenty more women out there"
"She's trash, you deserve better"
"You are better off without her"
"You will find happiness again with someone else"

...and so on.

They are right and I know they are right, but that doesn't help to break the emotional attachment or to clear the thoughts and questions that keep taking over my mind.

The truth is, I want to sever that attachment and put her behind me, I really do. I just want to be over her and move on.

that is what everybody keeps telling me too... i know it makes sense!

but still so difficult to detach yourself from them feelings..

i know this woman is not a good person & she will never be a good partner to me... it's like i want to change her into a better person, or things could be different if i changed something about me

end of the day my logic is correct... just occasionally the emotions take over the logic

stick to your guns jariel, we will get there bro

 

[Renegade357]

I have indeed done all that.

You are just like the rest of us. We've done what we could now we all need to move on, not look back and let the cards fall. Some of us may re-unite with our exes but I doubt it. I'm thinking we'll all end up finding someone better. Either way we win.

 

[Betterz]

jariel it's funny how the emotions come in waves

some days i fell ok, then all of a sudden, i,m hit with this over whelming grief like i am today

every day i don't contact her, or check what she is saying... i feel like i could be losing her to another man

I think you all will get over these feelings quicker if you stop putting all your focus and attention into this thread - which is a direct channel to memories of her as everyones wallowing in the same self pity - regurgitating the same old feelings, emotions and memories over and over - and not giving your mind the chance to forget naturally.

The more you focus on the something the more it lingers.

Take me, I'm out at singles events - online dating ave 2 dates a week, slept with 2 women - have around 10 phone numbers for potential dates (when i can get a chance to see them all haha) from online dating, facebook sarging and the like (plate spinning) and I broke up on the 1st September - today's the 19th ?

Get your minds out of the emotional gutters, close this thread come back in 30 days and then look back at all the **** you've written and you'll wish you never had.

Men don't behave like this. Women do.

 

[Jariel]

I think you all will get over these feelings quicker if you stop putting all your focus and attention into this thread - which is a direct channel to memories of her as everyones wallowing in the same self pity - regurgitating the same old feelings, emotions and memories over and over - and not giving your mind the chance to forget naturally.

You know, maybe you're right. You sound like you're coping better than we are.

Much like you, I have plenty of other women and prospects, but moving on is more than just the physical action of being with someone else. I gotta get my head straight and that's the difficult part.

I'm going about my days, keeping busy, throwing myself into the gym, my work, going out with friends, but the whole time my mind is racing away with thoughts of my ex and the pain she's caused me. I can't actually stop that from happening and in a weird way, when I focus on the thoughts at least then I have more control over them.

Posting in this thread is a way to organise the chaos going through my head and to learn from the experience, so that I can avoid these mistakes again and become a wiser and better man.

Men don't behave like this. Women do.

A few weeks ago I would've agreed with you, but you have to realise that a lot of us here have been left feeling downtrodden, insecure and somewhat emasculated. Trust me, right now my main goal is to man up and regain my boldness, reconnect with my inner badboy and bang some of the hotties I've got queued up, but it's not as easy as flicking a switch.

 

[Renegade357]

Posting in this thread is a way to organise the chaos going through my head and to learn from the experience, so that I can avoid these mistakes again and become a wiser and better man.

This is a perfectly fine place to vent. Getting out of an LTR on the short end is no fun and it takes time to recover. This is way better than doing what a AFC would do which is begging/putting life on hold for someone who doesn't want us. We're trying to move on but it isn't easy. I doubt any of us will feel stupid about our posts down the road. It's a learning experience.

 

[Betterz]

Okay, Jariel - you made some valid points and I can see my message had some resonance to it for you. We each have our own coping mechanisms, mine is to erase her as fast as possible by hitting the playing field as fast as possible.
Perhaps it's better to think of this as a sports game, if you get a red card (football) - and kicked off the field, then in the next game - you don't sit around feeling like an ass, for what is the past. You get up, break into the next game with fire and ferocity that when you're done, and WON - you'll laugh at the old red card incident as being foolish.

This forum is great, and it's helping me alot - it's just that this thread when i started reading it was about HOW to move on from your ex, and had amazing advice I heeded - and it's helped me. I'm afraid now all it's turned into is an emotional soap opera by men giving power to women - and when I read the replies I sort of vom in mouth a little each time.

 

[Jariel]

I am definitely moving forward and working on getting her out of my head. I'm not contacting her or strategising to get her back, so I'm heading in the right direction.

But for me, it's not just a woman I've lost. I'm having to come to terms with a whole new routine and lifestyle, I have to rethink my entire vision for the future, start searching for somewhere to live and I have to recondition myself in a lot of ways too. Until a few weeks ago, I was in the mindset that I was settling down and becoming a family man, and now I have to prepare myself to get back in the game, retune my seduction and dating skills, and become the person I left behind 18 months ago...well you get the picture.

On top of that, I really need to understand how things got fvcked up, so that I won't keep repeating the same mistakes. Let's face it, your ex isn't going to give you any answers, so it takes a lot of introspection and reflection. I believe I have this figured much of this out now and I feel better for it...and I feel that the break up had a purpose.

As for the "emotional soap opera", I totally agree that it serves no practical purpose and is pretty sad, but we just need to vent from time to time to get it out of our system. Better to do it here than to contact the ex.

 

[soulforge]

had a drink tonight & feel like sh@t

why do i mourn for a person who treated me like crap, and showed me no respect

 

[justin11]

Broke up with my ex last friday, and we didn't have contact until tuesday. On wednesday, since we are part of the same friend group, there was a situation where we ended up next to each other. She initiated a conversation (acted similar to when we first starting dating but a little less flirty), so I just talked for a little bit and smiled a little. Today, we were in a couple situations like that and she'd initiate conversations, and it'd play out the same. Also, she was sitting in the hallway and I was talking to some friends (again, mutual friends), and she kind of laughed a little bit and shook her head when I said I was going to go play basketball instead of doing homework (she'd always do stuff like this when we were dating, except that I would be talking to her).

When we broke up, it was because I had acted afc for majority of summer and she lost interest. We didn't talk for 3 weeks straight so when school started I ended it with her. It seems weird for her to be talking to me like this already

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

Its a good job i deleated his no as i know for sure i would have txt him in the early hours of this morning.... my mum told me last night she sent him a txt to say she was sorry and he hasnt responded to her.. so i know i wouldnt get anything back...

its funny how certain words they used stick in your mind like glue and i find myself looking for hope in those words that probobly dont mean anything but what they are..
My words are " i still love you, but im ending it before we hate each other, and ill take just the good with me".
This was said after i explained my situation...... I think it would have been easyer to hear.. he didnt love me and never would again... that is a line with no hope and doesnt leave me with asparations that i still meant something to him.

On a possitive note... i have lost some weight

day 4 of nc ....

 

[soulforge]

having a better day today.... just woke up this morning thinking to myself.... what an evil b@tch she was... i deserve so much better!!

why am i mourning a person who was such a shallow human bieng!!!

i hope this feeling stays & i don't revert back to greif & sadness

 

[Machtwo]

I will not keep trying to get back together with someone who has already rejected me more than once.

Reject me once, shame on you. Reject me twice, shame on me, but I can chalk it up to giving them the benefit of the doubt and another chance. Reject me anymore than that and it’s time to get off the relationship crack. Seriously.

If someone has rejected you once, it’s already one too many times but to go beyond that, you have to ask yourself 1) what the feck you’re trying to achieve? and 2) what the hell is so special about them that you would give them the option of rejecting you again?!

Forming part of the overall core boundaries that every person should live by, in essence I’m telling you that you must have some pride and stop pursuing people that have both directly and passively rejected you.

Do not force yourself and your love on anyone. You shouldn’t have to convince them of your greatness and from the moment you let someone reject you more than once, you’re saying ‘You’re free to reject me again! Come back and have a go when you’re ready!’

When you keep pursuing somebody who has broken up with you, it’s because you’re trying to stem the loss of the relationship and the sting of rejection by getting attention from them so you can feel validated. The breakup may have triggered old abandonment issues and you’ll pursue them to stop that feeling. Any attention and validation you get is short lived and you have to start the breakup process all over again. Of course, if you won’t heed the signs that someone isn’t interested or is half hearted in their interest (neither are good enough), you won’t even start to process the breakup because you’ll be too busy pursuing them!

You may not know it yet, but you have more self-respect than this, or at least you will if you learn to have some boundaries.

 

[Jariel]

Day 18:

As usual, I woke up feeling down, with my ex and our break up playing on my mind, but it really is getting easier now and I've come to the realisation that there was just so many things going against us!

Her head was seriously messed up, she'd been in hospital once due to stress related illness and she was falling apart physically and mentally. It was too much strain on the relationship and it really shouldn't be such a surprise that she flipped out and got nasty with me when we broke up...and unreasonable of me to expect a rational break up at that.

It was inevitable. The relationship was sinking and it's better it happened when it did than to drag it out for months or years under those circumstances.

Today I'm focusing on goal setting. I'm going to follow up on the lessons I've learned from my break up and work on becoming a more confident, composed and less emotionally sensitive man.

I'm also going to throw myself back into my small business venture, which has actually been going exceptionally well until I started losing focus.

Time to get my mind and my life back on track!

I'm also planning to get some more tattoos in the coming days/weeks as little reminders. Nothing related to my break up, but when I see them it'll inspire me to regain my composure and control.

Feeling inspired!

 

[soulforge]

Soulforge delete some messages, i cant reply dude

i have deleted mate

 

[oodlesofnoodles]

Well its bed time and ive done really well.. i think im phasing into the anger part of grief... im getting to the conclusion that prrhaps i didnt mean as much as i thought i did or hes just to fecking stuborn to fight... either way.. im now starting to thi k that perhsps i wont answer even if he did call .. woo hoo .. i like progress

 

[soulforge]

Well its bed time and ive done really well.. i think im phasing into the anger part of grief... im getting to the conclusion that prrhaps i didnt mean as much as i thought i did or hes just to fecking stuborn to fight... either way.. im now starting to thi k that perhsps i wont answer even if he did call .. woo hoo .. i like progress

just stick to it noodles... you will be ok, and get through this

 

[Jariel]

Well its bed time and ive done really well.. i think im phasing into the anger part of grief... im getting to the conclusion that prrhaps i didnt mean as much as i thought i did or hes just to fecking stuborn to fight... either way.. im now starting to thi k that perhsps i wont answer even if he did call .. woo hoo .. i like progress

You will go through the anger, then back to the heartwrenching loss, then back to the anger...it's a very bumpy ride.

I keep getting to the point where I feel ok, sometimes I even feel great, then I have a dream about her or something triggers some memories and it knocks me back.

I've also had those same thoughts...did I not mean much to her or is she just being stubborn or is she still angry at me? Either way, it's during a break up that you get to see your bf/gfs true personality come through and you have to keep reminding yourself that is the person you are leaving behind. Good riddance to them!

The biggest battle in my head is that I'm mourning the relationship we used to have during the first 8 months and I desperately want that back. That said, I was mourning those times even when I was in the relationship, clinging to the hope we could get back to where we once were. The truth is, the honeymoon period and our better days were over, and the latter months gave a much more realistic view of how our relationship would continue.

In the last 3 months of our relationship, I can count just 5 really good experiences amid the sh1t and routine.

I honestly consider the break up a blessing. However, it's just going to take time for your emotions to catch up with your rational mind.

You will have good days where you feel free and optimistic, then other days where you're ridden with grief, but as long as you remain no contact and focus on moving forward, you are distancing yourself from the source of the pain and allowing yourself time to heal.

Allow yourself to grieve and cry and let out those painful emotions, just like you're purging your body of poison. It's better to get it all out of your system than to bottle it up.

I went through all this with all of my exes, even some short term relationships. One short term girlfriend took me 8 months to get over because she was still in my life and we remained friends. Yet my girlfriend of 5 years took just 2 months to get over because we cut contact and never spoke again. I look back at them both and I feel no pain, no resentment...nothing. I know that day will come with my most recent ex too, just as long as I cut her from my life.

As much as it hurts, I like to think that it has not been in vain. I've learned some valuable lessons and I will emerge stronger, wiser and motivated, and my next relationship will benefit from this experience.

 

[soulforge]

had a few good days, but today feeling quite low about things & lonley

it's not so much that i want her back... it's mostly the feeling of betrayel & anger for allowing myslef to be treated badly.. for letting myself down


on the other hand, i can see why this woman was never long term material, yet i still fell for her.

46 years old with 4 kids in total & a selfish horrible entitled attitude to go with it... does this sound like a marriage material woman?


only positives i can think about her, was her looks & the greaty sex.... other than that i can't think what else she had to offer, in the form a stable long term relationship