The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Cyclops1982]

I hear you guys. Will probably delete the texts today. Worried about the number though - I don't want to call her (and haven't in two months), but I don't want to accidentally answer if she rings either. I also need to recognise her number if she texts me so I can just delete&ignore it WITHOUT reading it. Honestly - it's not a wuss out, it's totally practical. I have no intention of contacting her.

ps I don't hate her, but I was/am extremely hurt, angry, etc

 

[r1971]

Been a short while since my update.
I have heard promising words from her, but when she gets downtime, she has been meeting the girls, but is inviting me to meet them.
However, we both agree we need time to sit and talk alone.
So, we had to settle for the phone (better than Text!!), and we talked for 2 hours last night.
We have had battles when we were living together about me watching her kids (when I wasn't working), and helping out.
I was OK with that if she was working or for emergency, but when it was for her to go shopping for clothes or Zumba class, I called her on it as taking me for granted.
Anyway, that topic came up and I said if I said I'd never watch them I'd be wrong, and if she cannot compromise, it's just not right.
However, it seems still an issue for her. Plus, now she tells me she is too old for more kids (40), plus I don't see that love fire in her.
We ended the call after discussing this all, but not fighting. She said we're getting nowhere with this, and I said, yeah, listen, I gotta go to sleep it's 1AM, and she said OK...and we said "Later"....

TO ME, this is officially DAY 1 of NO CONTACT !!!!!

 

[Reptile]

About 40 days NC

Hi everyone! This is my first post.

I'm 21 years old and my longest relationship ended 2 months ago.

I heard about the No Contact Rule at another forum but this thread looked very great to follow up. I've read all pages
Here is my story and I hope you can help me with this.

The Relationship
We where together about 11 month, then she decided to end it.
But the crazy thing is, we hanged out EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR A YEAR. No pauses.

Why did it end?
I took her for granted. But I don't think that's very strange, I heard "I Love You" everyday plenty of times and
I think we hanged out too often. Even our friends though that was the reason for the break up.

What did I lost?
Not only my girlfriend, but also one of my best friends.
You see all her friends from school had moved from town and I was her best friend, and she was one of mine.

I also lost a friend from my childhood, I've known him for about 12 years.
He was interested in her for a long time but she even told him they are only gonna be friends, nothing more.
So I took a shot and she was interested in me to etc etc.
Then he never wanted to speak with me... but I was inlove, I couldn't help it.

What happened after the break up?
Let me first say that this was my first time that I've been dumped, so I was really confused.
She wanted to remain friends, best friends.
I did very stupid stuff. Same night I let her sleep over at my house, and let her be my friend.
She treated me like sh*t!

After 2 weeks I came over at her apartment and apologized for every stupid thing I did in the relationship,
she cried alot but didn't apologized for anything (like she was "perfect" in it).
I handed over the key to her apartment, then a week later I came over again.
To do "The No Contact".

What did she do...?
After about 5 weeks after the break up (2 weeks of NC) she was in a rebound relationship
with a guy from her work, she claimed it was "only a friend".
The funny thing is that the day I wanted to go NC with her she told me her key "was lost".
She lied straight to my face because I know the other guy had it.
My friend also told me (without me questioning it) that she was mad at me for breaking the contact,
even if I told her the reason why I did this: To move on!

Any meetings while having NC?
Yes, one time. About a week ago I met my ex and her mom at my work (a clothshop).
I walked to her mom and starting to talk and we had a great conversation, then my ex came by and joined.
She didn't look very happy, she wasn't really "dressed for success" and looked down the floor almost all the time.
Only looked me in the eye, while I was smiling, a few times.
We never talked really, she just said "So, you are working here" and I said "Yes".
I then started to walk to get back to work and
told them to have a good day and ofc smiled and being gently.

Two days after this, they broke up. According to my friends she wrote on facebook "We have to slow it down".
Their relationship lasted only 1 week and a couple of days (haha!).

How do I feel?
Everyday gets better. Yes, I do think of her everyday, I can't help it.

I saw her and her mom today also but just out from the window of my work.
Those 2 times I've seen my ex I've had something weird going on in my stomach.
Adrenaline and it's like bugs are crawling in it, I hate it.
Is this butterflies because I'm still inloved with her or is it the other way?
I don't feel like I'm in love with her anymore, but my body wants to tell me something

I have a question for you...
I'm still thinking of getting her back, but I also wanna keep my selfrespect.
After 60 days, am I gonna contact her or wait until she contacts me?

It's only 20 days left and I don't know what to do,
I want her back but I want her to wanna be with me.

For the record; I do go to the gym, got new clothes and haircut.
It's not only about looks, but I wanna show her my real me I was in the start.
Not the one I became the last months in the relationship.

I hope you can help me to answer this,
this thread is awesome, and u seems to be that too

 

[r1971]

Thanks all......and I just got this from her just now:

"FYI.. I did what u asked me to do and took your family off my time line..(hopefully I did it right)

U need to make them stop thinking im a run around.. they know from what u tell them and that’s not fair.."

 

[john1234]

I did it NC.

and I cried afterwards. I loved this girl dearly, it will take some healing.

I feel so very low..

 

[Skalioppe]

Day 40

A brief recap. We were on and off for 2 years, found out 40 days ago she had started seeing someone. A few hours later I emailed her (couldn't be bothered talking to her again), told her that the "us thing" - friends, lovers, confidantes, whatever (and yes we were also very close), was over and in no uncertain terms that I was moving on. I actually made the email quite positive sounding for me, and cracked a joke to try and soften the blow for her.

Six days later she emailed me, saying she was in a bad way, depressed and was distraught by me email and me moving on. She was looking for a reply but I didn't give one.

Thirty two days later she texted me: <Her petname for me>, I miss you heaps. Are you sure we can’t be friends? <My petname for her> x. I ignored her again.

I think being ignored twice by me is probably quite final to her. I can't see her wanting to be rejected through silence again.

Has 40 days been easy?
NO WAY! It's hard, a real journey but it's necessary. This forum helps a lot and even keeping a journal helps, just writing stuff down - it's cathartic. I don't talk to people we both know about it. You get moments of weakness where you may think of contact, but you HAVE TO FIGHT IT.

When you first go NC you either feel strong, liberated, but also sad. I think you're in denial. If they do contact you (in a nice way) it's a real hit, a buzz, it validates you and the meaning you had to them, but that feeling fades when they don't follow up begging more or whatever. You are tempted to reply, but don't - do not kid yourself. Unless they beg for you back, in tears, then it's not worth it. I do think about her a lot, but it is getting easier and I probably think about her less every day, I feel OK more than I don't, which is positive. I do feel empowered by breaking away, but I do care about her and wonder how she is and how things are, and whether her new relationship is a good distraction or a rebound thing and tenuous (I'm only human).

I'd say the first 4 weeks of NC is the hardest, your mind is in turmoil, grieving, but then if you keep yourself busy and active, you don't think about them so much as each day passes.

I'm resolute, strong and focused and for me NC means No Contact, if I had contacted her it would start all over again. She'd be empowered, in control and my emotions would be damaged by hope and I wouldn't heal and find a new me. Yes, I know some people are weak on here, but something I've realised, you're only kidding yourself and preventing the healing process by reacting or cheating on NC. So all traces of her have been removed, pics, texts, emails, keep sakes, not friends on Facebook, no replies to her, and as a woman once said to me "She'll be wondering about you just as much as you are her, and remember, you're the rejector and that means it hurts her more!". D

Anyway, I'll gladly reply to any questions from people embarking on NC!

 

[Skalioppe]

Thanks all......and I just got this from her just now:

"FYI.. I did what u asked me to do and took your family off my time line..(hopefully I did it right)

U need to make them stop thinking im a run around.. they know from what u tell them and that’s not fair.."

r1971, you need to man up and stop being her b1tch. She has complete control over you. NC means no contact, none, zilch, zero.

DO NOT REPLY, DO NOT CONTACT, DO NOT FALL FOUL TO HER GAME PLAYING!

 

[Skalioppe]

I did it NC.

and I cried afterwards. I loved this girl dearly, it will take some healing.

I feel so very low..

Yep, it's really hard man, but stick with it 100% regardless of anything she tries. Keep busy, keep looking for other women.

40 days in here and it does get easier, I promise you.:rockon:

 

[Cyclops1982]

Day 2: Didn't mean to update today but it's my worst nightmare as her reply to my NC email arrived today.

One: turns out there's some legal/financial stuff needs signing so apparently we have to meet. Trying to see if there's any way to avoid this (mutually trusted witnesses?) 'cos I know there's a strong chance I just won't survive that with my dignity intact, especially since I now thought I'd never have to see her again, and don't want to totally fail NC.

Two: telling me she's shocked by my behaviour since break and I've been "disrespecting the relationship", not being like the person she loved, she expected we'd be friends and I'm being immature etc etc.

Three: the killer- one of the reasons she gave for the break was that she wanted to move town. After that turned out to be a lie (in fact, she tried to get me kicked out of our place but I stood my ground luckily), now she informs me she's not only staying in town but moving back to the same neighbourhood. "See you around". NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! The one thing keeping me going was that at least I'd never have to see her again. This is my ****ing worst nightmare. If I see her around with my replacement I don't know what I'll do, I swear. Why the hell wouldn't she move area at least, we live in a huge capital city?? How am I supposed to survive NC if there's a chance I'll bump into her every day?


HELP!

The irony is, before I got home and saw this email, I was feeling pretty good (relative to the 'new normal' of 'absolutely miserable' of course) and thinking "Yeah, I can do this."

ps respect/great going to @Skalioppe, very encouraging, and very interesting insights from female angle by @superman2012. For some reason it does help to know that, however rejected and dumped you are and however suddenly she did it and seems to be bouncing happily into her new life, it just can't be true that she can just stop thinking about you instantly (obvious I know, but hard to believe when you're in the raw part of this situation!)

 

[r1971]

Skalioppe - Props to you on your Day 40 account. It was riveting, as it gives a glimpse at what lies ahead, what to expect to feel, and to realize it's normal and what to do to circumvent.

BTW..."Are you sure we can't be friends"....was she rubbing salt on a wound? UGGGHHH

 

[bigneil]

Day 61 and it hasn't gotten any easier.

Don't believe this bullsh!t about time making it better. You'll think about her for 10 years if you don't find a better girl.

 

[Cyclops1982]

Back to Day 1. Just sent a stream-of-consciousness email in reply, couldn't help it - just had to get a bunch of stuff out. Not proud of myself but at least I'm only back a day and anyway probably have to communicate again just to sort out this legal bs. Wish I'd waited 'til I was sober though... :S

@bigneil Hang in there, fella - it's time but ALSO taking care of yourself and putting the focus on YOU instead of HER. Obviously I'm at the start, but I've seen enough success stories to know it works if you let it

 

[john1234]

Yep, it's really hard man, but stick with it 100% regardless of anything she tries. Keep busy, keep looking for other women.

40 days in here and it does get easier, I promise you.:rockon:

Skalioppe.

I think she may be Pregnant, because she was talking babies last week and said she thinks, she is pregnant because she had morning sickness but will wait to see.

 

[a gruesome time]

Kudos to everybody who has committed to the NC system.

I wish I had found this site earlier - It took me almost a month to figure it out for myself, that we just couldn't be friends.

I dated my ex Jennifer for a little over 8 months, we were pretty madly in love at points and we just meshed so well together literally she was my best friend. She had a very manipulative, very conniving ex-bf who she had vowed to keep out of her life, seriously a demented self serving scumbag.... Problem however was that her main group of friends were all friends with this guy. One thing led to another, we both tried to be cordial with him in hopes of her not losing all of her "friends".

This weasel started whispering doubts, false concerns, and started spreading lies throughout her friends and himself acting as the concerned friend worried about her happiness eventually it got to her, she started to doubt my intentions with her - thinking I could not truly be the person I portray myself as. I have and will always be myself - no doubts on my part. Quite confident, quirky, weird, interesting, and always a firm believer in being me for me - this is why she fell in love with me, her own words.

Long story short we broke up, stayed friends - she ends up dating scumbag again about a month later, started drinking too much, falling right back into his web. This was the point I just couldn't do it anymore - It was too painful - I explained this to her, told her she was no longer my friend and I would be dropping all contact and getting over her, but made it clear I would always be there to extract her if the situation got dangerous(the people who frequented this guys house were some women-hating, heroine addict losers)... She agreed, and once again tried to tell me he had changed and he loved her or whatever. Yeah yeah, whatever - see you never hopefully. Lost her number and email address and deleted her facebook and blocked myself to her.

That was 5 months ago.
Oh god it was so hard at first, she was all I could think about... Huge mixture of emotions - hate - worry - regret - kind of felt empty.

Then a few weeks in I started realizing what had gone wrong, she had me wondering whether or not I was a good person... I knew I was, but one should never have to worry whether or not you are in fact yourself, right?

Eventually I found myself again, started dating casually, regained my confidence level and finally realized "HEY, I'M ME AGAIN!" haha. I still wondered about her sometimes, mainly whether she was happy, how she was doing in college, if she thought about me. But it did not effect me anymore.

Fast forward to about a week ago
She shows up at my loft completely out of the blue - looking gorgeous - with a bouquet of flowers and a pizza. Taken aback I invited her in and she confessed she had been so devastated in losing me that she had to take a serious look at herself and the people she surrounded herself with and didn't like what she was seeing. In the past 4 months she has graduated from culinary school, landed an amazing Sous Chef job, and thrown out all of the scum in her life and started making new friends and appreciating the good friends in her life.

A couple of our mutual friends have confirmed this - notating that I had said i didn't want to hear anything about her no matter what haha.

We've been together every day since last week, really feels like it did back in our prime. We've agreed not to expect anything but friendship, but we would see what happens. Ended up having sex with her that first night she initiated contact - which we spent the next day/night trying to figure out if it was a mistake or not... I feel like her affection is just completely different than anything I've ever experienced, like it is somehow meant for me specifically. Every thing about her turns just makes me melt - her mind, her humor, her giggle, how witty and smart she is, her beauty... I even find her *****iness adorable. We've been intimate every day/night since, and I fear I've fallen back in love with her. She is so much different than any other girl I've ever met, not my "type" at all really - but there is just something different about her, unlike any other girl I've met.

Hoping I've made the right decision here, does this sound foolish? Can people truly change for good?

 

[Skalioppe]

We've been together every day since last week, really feels like it did back in our prime. We've agreed not to expect anything but friendship, but we would see what happens. Ended up having sex with her that first night she initiated contact - which we spent the next day/night trying to figure out if it was a mistake or not... I feel like her affection is just completely different than anything I've ever experienced, like it is somehow meant for me specifically. Every thing about her turns just makes me melt - her mind, her humor, her giggle, how witty and smart she is, her beauty... I even find her *****iness adorable. We've been intimate every day/night since, and I fear I've fallen back in love with her. She is so much different than any other girl I've ever met, not my "type" at all really - but there is just something different about her, unlike any other girl I've met.

Hoping I've made the right decision here, does this sound foolish? Can people truly change for good?

People only make changes when they experience something life changing - this is usually in the form of a whole lot of pain and emotion fallout, which is most intense when they lose love. This is when they lose the ego for a while, go introspective, reflect and rebuild during a very arduous and trying time. The pain is like a chrysalis and inside they are in turmoil, an ugly lavae type thing, slowly going through metamorphosis but changing into something that is often very different and far more beautiful.

I think your ex has truly changed for the better, to turn up looking gorgeous, out of the blue with flowers and pizza must have been is just about the best testament to you after all that time as is possible. It means she's not stopped thinking about you, she's realised losing you the worse thing ever and realised she was in the wrong.

NC is about oneself, but sometimes it does affect the person we NC more.

My advice, take it steady and get to know the new yous again, date and most of all COMMUNICATE, the pain, why you did what you did and everything else. Personally? I think you have a bright future together....

 

[Skalioppe]

Day 61 and it hasn't gotten any easier.

Don't believe this bullsh!t about time making it better. You'll think about her for 10 years if you don't find a better girl.

I think I went about a year with another ex before I started feeling better, but then a sort of epiphany happened and I snapped out of things, it was the summer and the sun helped - there's something very healing about the sun.

Time does make things better, because your mind remaps in lieu of getting used to them not being around. But the grieving process can be a long journey, so as much as your cynicism suggests, the pain really isn't indefinite.

 

[r1971]

Update:
So I still get status updates from her on Facebook.
She usually only Likes pages and shares images, but she posted today "Not having a very good morning..UGH"
Actual posts are so out of character for her, but knowing her for such a long time, it's a cry for attention from me like her her E-mail to me yesterday

 

[Cyclops1982]

@r1971 FB status updates is not NC. You've got to remove/block FB and totally unfriend, nothing good can come of it, believe me. It's one thing communicating directly, but the mixed messages and calculations and analysis that social media output brings is totally another can of worms that won't help you. Good luck!

 

[drellum]

Update:
So I still get status updates from her on Facebook.
She usually only Likes pages and shares images, but she posted today "Not having a very good morning..UGH"
Actual posts are so out of character for her, but knowing her for such a long time, it's a cry for attention from me like her her E-mail to me yesterday

Why have you got her on FB?
That is the worst kind of self torture!

Block her - block her friends - NO! Shut the whole thing down.

If you are in NC it means NC! No mails, no snooping, no talking about her....tell nobody anything and don't ask either!

I am 4 months in and broke once - which I dearly regret!

Just get out there and start dating!! It's the best way to get over somebody - I'm not talking about a rebound - Just have some fun!

D

 

[r1971]

Yeah....I didn't think of it as a violation since there was no direct contact.....
but that makes sense. Thanks.

It looked like a shout out for me....that's all....and I was not going to take the bait