The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[superman2012]

Day 1

DAY 1

I am so glad to have found this thread with MEN! Most of the break up threads out there are from women. I am a women that just been dumped by ex bf of 2.5 years. We have been living together for 1.5 of those years. We've been fighting a lot and spending less and less time together. I do love him a lot and I thought he loved me too. But his behaviour in the last few months and through the break up have made me think otherwise.

He's been sending a lot of mixed signals. 3 months ago was my birthday and we had a fight that was essentially pulling my last straw. We've had a lot of fights over his social drinking issues. He goes out with his friends and always come home so drunk and throwing up everywhere and he missed work once because of it. He's a teacher btw. And he's 27, I'm 21. This among other immaturity issues, but it's been the focus (a year a go he wrote off his car drink driving and lost his license). Anyway I left the house and stayed at my parents for the weekend, the first time that I've actually gone away for that long when we fight. He begged me back and apologised and I came back on my birthday. He bought me a really expensive watch and we had an amazing dinner together. He planned the dinner and the cake and everything. 3 months later we got into another fight. He went out with his friends and came back at 7am. I didn't hear from him, had no idea where he was, couldn't get in touch with his phone. I didn't yell, I told him calmly how upset and worried I was. He apologised. Next weekend SAME THING HAPPENED AGAIN!

So i blew up and gave him silent treatment the rest of the weekend. When we finally at down to talk, he said he wants out. Reason was "We're not compatible" "I want to be single and meet new people"

I found out later that 3 days after that he hooked up with someone I worked with. This chick I red flagged the first time they met and she started talking to him, just him, and add him on fb, just him, not me. He invalidated my feelings, brushed it aside saying I was being silly. And now boom. They're "dating". He says he's not in love with me anymore and he's falling in love with her and have been intrigued since he met her. Apparently they have so much in common. She's the exact opposite of me.

I was crushed. At this time we we're still living together. He went back and forth with confusion telling me he still loves me and then not and then saying he can't wait to get out of the apartment and then keeps trying to have sex with me. We were still being intimate as it's really hard to not to when we're together. Just a lot of sexual chemistry. Best sex ever. Anyway, he slept with her and blamed it on me saying he only did it because he thought I was sleeping around too (I said I was going to dinner, I went with my friends but he thought I went on a date). This is the chick that he thinks he's falling for. Now they're taking it slow.

Anyway, basically I went through a roller coaster with him for the last month. He has now moved out of the apartment. I went through all the mistakes and **** with him of crying begging and pleading at first. We had sex a few times in that month. Anyway I am now implementing NC as I need to get over this and get back being me. I just hope I don't fail NC. I love him dearly but I can never trust him now. I would have done absolutely everything for him. He's aways talked about marriage and family and future together with me for as long a I can remember. He was a sweet sensitive guy, now he's just an assclown! Apparently I am "too much" for him. As in my personality is too much for him. I'm very extroverted and always make my feelings know. If anyone knows the zodiac traits then I'm Aries to a T and he's Cancer to a T.

I really hope this helps me to move on and be able to not lose my head over this guy. All comments are appreciated and wanted.

 

[r1971]

Thanks Mauser.
I am, however, a bit disappointed, as we spoke yesterday and when I brought up us meeting and said, "would you?", and she said, "Why wouldn't I?"
I had asked her about Monday night (tonight) and said Tues impossible. She asked why, if I had plans Tuesday night and I said no, car might be in shop over Holiday. So she said no plans for Mon night (tonight), and I said, "great".

Today, I was busy at work, and I contacted her with a quick mail saying, "So, are we on for tonight?" late in the afternoon...
and she wrote back:
"Hey .. sorry cant do tonite.. I have a half day tomorrow and then I off for the rest of the week...", to which I replied, "No worries...some other time, babe".
She asked me if my car was going in for repair tomorrow, I said yes, and she said OK....that was it...

SO:
* We did make plans tonight...but wanting to take it slow and not push, I gritted my teeth and swallowed this. Of course, the bad thoughts race through my mind right away, and also I realized her little one was home all day with her elderly parents, and when she gets home, she takes over and they get relief (kids are a handful, especially for 80+ years).

However, I would have thought she could tell me that, you know, after we made plans...?

Perhaps she figured maybe I really did get that text delayed, and called for that text, and for no other reason (i.e...figuring I wouldn't have called if I didn't get that "delayed" text)....OR....she knew I BS-d her about it getting delayed, and knows I used that excuse to call her. (Or perhaps her friends put that though in her head)...

Don't know...either way, I want to wrap my corny-ass arms around her and hug and kiss her like crazy...UGGH.....back to square one...

Do I start NC again? I tried.....now I'm in the grey area.......?

Thanks!

 

[r1971]

Thanks...OK, so as for today, should I leave it be (even though I would love to hear her voice) and just try tomorrow, you think?
(I want to do this all correctly, and you know how it is, sometimes an external and unbiased and non-cloudy opinion goes a LONG way. I don't mean to sound like a rookie, you follow?)

 

[bigneil]

Thanks Mauser.
I am, however, a bit disappointed, as we spoke yesterday and when I brought up us meeting and said, "would you?", and she said, "Why wouldn't I?"
I had asked her about Monday night (tonight) and said Tues impossible. She asked why, if I had plans Tuesday night and I said no, car might be in shop over Holiday. So she said no plans for Mon night (tonight), and I said, "great".

Today, I was busy at work, and I contacted her with a quick mail saying, "So, are we on for tonight?" late in the afternoon...
and she wrote back:
"Hey .. sorry cant do tonite.. I have a half day tomorrow and then I off for the rest of the week...", to which I replied, "No worries...some other time, babe".She asked me if my car was going in for repair tomorrow, I said yes, and she said OK....that was it...
SO:
* We did make plans tonight...but wanting to take it slow and not push, I gritted my teeth and swallowed this. Of course, the bad thoughts race through my mind right away, and also I realized her little one was home all day with her elderly parents, and when she gets home, she takes over and they get relief (kids are a handful, especially for 80+ years).

However, I would have thought she could tell me that, you know, after we made plans...?

Perhaps she figured maybe I really did get that text delayed, and called for that text, and for no other reason (i.e...figuring I wouldn't have called if I didn't get that "delayed" text)....OR....she knew I BS-d her about it getting delayed, and knows I used that excuse to call her. (Or perhaps her friends put that though in her head)...

Don't know...either way, I want to wrap my corny-ass arms around her and hug and kiss her like crazy...UGGH.....back to square one...

Do I start NC again? I tried.....now I'm in the grey area.......?Thanks!

Mistakes in bold.

Seriously man, calling her "babe" when she cancels without giving you a raincheck? Making excuses about her "little one"? Wanting to kiss her like crazy? Here is a collective b*tch slap from the many others who will barf when they read this.

When you break NC you basically get one chance. If she hasn't missed you enough to jump at the chance to see you, it's over, at least for the short term.

You are in the black.

 

[superman2012]

Still DAY 1

Mauser96 thanks for replying, it's pretty comforting to know someone is reading my issues. So I'm still on day 1. I finally got out of the house today and sorted out some stuff. Removed him from my car insurance policy and dropped of release forms at the real estate office. I found out that he'll need to sign some forms from the real estate office to release the apartment from his name. I'm planning on getting a friend to get him to sign it. I don't want to see him. He messaged me this morning in reply to my text from last night regarding our finances. So I think I'll sort out what is owed to who and get a friend to deliver the message. I don't think it's necessary for me to see him or talk to him about anything. And I don't think this finance situation is a good enough excuse/reason for us to meet again. We'll probably just end up in a fight.

You are very right. I do think he is on his road to become an alcoholic. He blamed his drinking on me saying I tied him down and made him unhappy and therefore he drinks to forget. And he says his friends and family thinks that since he's been with me he's changed and he's not as social and out going as he used to be. So basically he blamed me for his drinking, unhappiness and that he doesn't see his friends and family as much because of me. What a load of crap. I spent the most of the relationship working so hard on my relationship with his family since they hated me from day 1. They've insulted me drunk and sober, and they've kicked me out of their house and then invited his ex gf over for dinner the next day. Anyway they've always disliked me for some reason. I've worked really really hard to overcome this and took the high road and always returned with a smile because I knew how important his family was to him. I have y family dramas as well, parents going through ugly ugly divorce. His response was "I'm so sick of your family drama, I don't want to hear about it anymore". And he was never there when I had stuff going down with my family. He put me in a taxi crying while I headed to my parents' home to sort out their fights while he went off partying and drinking with his friends.

Some moments it is ok and I feel optimistic. I think I'll be ok and I can see that this is an exciting opportunity for a new beginning. And then just as quickly I go back into depressive mode. I've always been the one to not believe and I've always been the one to think this is not going to work and want to break up. He's always made me believe and he always said the right thing and so confident about us. Now the table has turned and I guess he's just sick of me. I just never thought he'd never fall out of love or stop loving me. That's what you get for being too comfortable and trust someone......

So bottom line, still going strong on NC day 1, but still going strong none the less.

 

[r1971]

Please see below (start from the bottom up).....this NOW seems like NO CONTACT time, am I right?:


From: Me
To: Her
Subject: Re: RE: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:31:25 PM

A/C is a good thing.

Reach out and touch me when you're ready




From: Her
To: Me
Subject: RE: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:27:41 PM

Kk thanks for understanding.. and its very frustrating.. so much I need to get done and now I have to put it all on hold.. Hey finally got the ac in the living room





From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:23 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: RE: Hey....



I understand, and that must be frustrating.
Don't worry about me, babe.
We're not in any rush.


From: Her
To: Me
Subject: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:17:08 PM

Hon, its not that I need time and space.. I just don’t want to promise u that we will hang and then I have to cancel.. im on vaca this week and kerr didn’t have this freakin kid yet.. and I have the kiddies and don’t have time for anything.. UGH..



From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:10 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: Hey....



I sense it.
I'm being honest with you, Hon.


Time and Space are your best friends.
It's the best gift I can give you now...
RE




From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:02 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Hey....


Im fine hon, just a lot going on this week.. how are you doing.. what ya been up to



From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 9:59 AM
To: Her
Subject: Hey....


Hey Babe,



Can I be brutally honest with you?
You suddenly seem confused about things.



I'm certainly not helping you by "crowding you", and it's not fair to you.
I sincerely want you to be happy, with or without me !



Please take time to think things over, and to see if this is sill right for you at this point in your life.
RE

 

[bigneil]

Please see below (start from the bottom up).....this NOW seems like NO CONTACT time, am I right?:


From: Me
To: Her
Subject: Re: RE: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:31:25 PM

A/C is a good thing.

Reach out and touch me when you're ready

From: Her
To: Me
Subject: RE: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:27:41 PM

Kk thanks for understanding.. and its very frustrating.. so much I need to get done and now I have to put it all on hold.. Hey finally got the ac in the living room





From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:23 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: RE: Hey....



I understand, and that must be frustrating.
Don't worry about me, babe.
We're not in any rush.
From: Her
To: Me
Subject: RE: Hey....
Sent: Tue, Jul 3, 2012 2:17:08 PM

Hon, its not that I need time and space.. I just don’t want to promise u that we will hang and then I have to cancel.. im on vaca this week and kerr didn’t have this freakin kid yet.. and I have the kiddies and don’t have time for anything.. UGH..



From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:10 AM
To: Her
Subject: Re: Hey....



I sense it.
I'm being honest with you, Hon.

Time and Space are your best friends.
It's the best gift I can give you now...
RE




From: Her
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 10:02 AM
To: Me
Subject: RE: Hey....


Im fine hon, just a lot going on this week.. how are you doing.. what ya been up to



From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, July 03, 2012 9:59 AM
To: Her
Subject: Hey....


Hey Babe,

Can I be brutally honest with you?
You suddenly seem confused about things.



I'm certainly not helping you by "crowding you", and it's not fair to you.
I sincerely want you to be happy, with or without me !



Please take time to think things over, and to see if this is sill right for you at this point in your life.
RE

Dude, didn't I just b*tch slap you? And you went and puked up this horrid performance anyway. MORE mistakes in bold.

Why are you explaining to her the psychological tricks you are using on her?

Why not just come right out and send her a link to SoSuave and tell her your ID? It's good to make her miss you. It's not good to say you are "Giving her the Gift of missing you" (tm) and to explain that it's a Don Juan strategy from an article you read from David D'Angelo who is a Pick Up Artist who helps men seduce women.

 

[SoSuave666]

I'll be a bit easier on you R1. Most people make these mistakes. I've made worse. You feel like sh1t and you think that telling this girl why you are doing something and explaining yourself is going to make you feel better. Well, after you send these emails you think she will have some sort of epiphany and say, "OF COURSE I STILL LOVE YOU! I WAS AN IDIOT!" When you don't get that response, you feel even worse than when you started. You gotta stop saying stuff like babe or hon or anything like that. You have to stop talking to her about this or that, trying to get in the last word, and trying to make yourself feel better by talking to her. You've made errors here, and the ONLY way to regroup and get back some power is to go away and not be seen of or heard of. It's honestly the only way. Anything else you do will only delay your progress.

 

[bigneil]

R1 you didn't do permanent damage yet.

When it all falls apart, you must talk to them to get answers or you'll go crazy for months and then you'll never know what happened. You probably won't get the real reason (she likes anal better with the black guy). So it was good to find out what went wrong when you could. You must accept her blows such as "I just don't like you anymore" (or whatever she said) seamlessly the way you go with a punch to avoid the full force. Chances are you'll say too much but as long as you don't cry, plead or grovel it's ok. I personally like to end on a good note. Accept it in a loving way.

Perhaps the greatest test of the relationship is how you handle her rejecting you. There are so many things that can go wrong from your crying to your telling her off, stalking her, or threatening her. When you walk away peacefully you get recategorized and they often feel guilty for assuming the worst about you.

The silver lining is: since you'll now disappear for a long time, she'll feel more of a relative impact. You'll go from showering her with messages to absolutely nothing without (further) warning (for the love of God), and the sudden change will resonate the way a Gong does as the last chord of a symphony.

 

[r1971]

Thank you all.....
NOW it seems like the right time for NC....
I just didn't see it before, albeit points well taken.

But now, yes.....ESPECIALLY after saying, "Reach out and touch me when you're ready".....
For me to write again would be BAD....VERY Bad.....

What if she calls me or texts me?
Respond or Voice Mail? (She HATES when I don't pick up!)

Regards.
R

 

[r1971]

FYI.....she just called me....
but to talk to me about her IPOD (I'm a tech guy)....
NOT the call I was hoping for from her !

(Uggh...I've been losing my composure...!!)

We discussed the fact that we each have our kids this weekend, and the fact that next weekend we don't. She said "I might have a party next week. I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm going".....and of course, my mind starts wandering


Additionally, when she was telling me about having her apartment painted, I told her that's great, you're all set. She said she can't live like that, and if she wants to have someone over, she's embarrassed....and she quickly corrected it to having family over.


As we spoke, I said, "so what made you get more serious about us recently", and she said, "I don't know, I've been home and I've had a lot of time to think about it". I (STUPIDLY) said "OK, are you ready to go back in with two feet", and she said lets meet and talk and talk it step by step.

Towards the end, she said if I'm not doing anything tonight, we can sit and talk.

I know if I don't, then I won't have quiet time with her until early next week.....Should I go ????

 

[r1971]

No...let me clarify...
she said if "you're not doing anything"....meaning "ME"

 

[r1971]

As I am smiling from her dropping by to talk to me, kiss me, hug me, and she had this look on her face where she kept looking at my lips and deep in my eyes and kept touching me, hugging me, etc...

Very nice......Very

 

[bigneil]

Well then why didn't you have sex with her? Her looking at your lips and then her watch is not exactly the same thing.

 

[mikey2012]

The point you are glaringly missing is you DIDN'T go NC. You replied in 5 days, and continued to reply , on demand, every time she contacted you.

Another point too obvious for words that you have missed is she contacted you because she missed her most reliable ego boost, the person that thought her poo was solid gold nuggets, that she should be the Queen of beauty of some large country revered the world over, by you her only subject. That you, believer of her being the greatest woman on Earth, are busy doing the marketing literature to announce it. Yes you, her well trained, unflappable, dial-a-ego-hit admiring Pavlov trained ding-a-ling-a-ling puppy dog admirer.

You do not go from LJBF uber friend-zone to attractive suitor in 5 days. She will not miss you in the way you think in that time. She will not realise anything profound about other than that her selfish responses need a hit, especially after displaying all of the zero value male actions like begging for her back with love letters :crackup: and utter Omega male sh1t like that.

I'm sorry GADavid, but you haven't got a clue, you've learnt nothing, if attraction were the light spectrum with the Red being intense unadulterated lustful, needful attraction and love, then you are stuck firmly at the very edges of the Ultraviolet / X-Rays zone. In fact you're even worse than before because she now knows she can flick her demand switch and you'll come a running, robotic and in full servitude mode regardless of what your intentions to improve yourself may be.

I'm sorry to have to be blunt, but enjoy the cycle of pointless hope you have for you both, whilst you're drowning, clinging to rocks in the maelstrom of unrequited love.

in other words hes a farking LOSER

 

[Gro0ver]

Guys, a couple of things to bear in mind...

1) If a girl tries to get you to break NC to meet up, it might mean that she misses you and wants to get back with you.....or it might mean that she just wants an ego boost i.e. you to say "i miss you so much, you're so great" etc etc. Suss out her intentions first.

2) No matter what happens, always be the one who needs her less. Post-relationship there are often power games, and a woman is usually determined to win them. No contact is the highest form of power, because it shows you don't need her in your life.

If you do decide to meet up with her, for goodness sake get sex and then assess the situation. Sex should be the minimum cost of breaking NC. Remember this is about flipping the script and putting you in control.

 

[superman2012]

DAY 2 NC

So it's been a long day. Trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about him. It's his birthday today. FML. I haven't sent him a birthday message. Been thinking about it ALL DAY! I even stayed up so late last night so I can sleep in and be unconscious for the most of the day. We've been broken up for 1 month now but we were still living together during that month. He only moved out last weekend and it's only been 2 days of no contact.

The argument in my head is this. If I don't send him a message I will come across as bitter and angry and uncaring. But he lied to me during the break up and was very much an assclown to me swinging back and forth between "I love you" and "I don't love you", while telling me he's falling in love with his new squeeze and they're taking it slow! That is after he had drunken sex with her and blamed it on me because he thought I was sleeping around too, which I was not.

If I do send him a message then he gets the satisfaction of knowing that for a second I was thinking of him and he'll know I miss him. I don't want to come across as that. Would that be clingy and give the vibe of "I want you back?"

I did all the mistakes of begging and pleading and having sex with him while feeling vulnerable during that month. But I am now hell bent on NC to get over him and realise what a disaster it would have been for had I ended up with this guy. So no birthday message is the way to go??

 

[youngmack]

DAY 2 NC

So it's been a long day. Trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about him. It's his birthday today. FML. I haven't sent him a birthday message. Been thinking about it ALL DAY! I even stayed up so late last night so I can sleep in and be unconscious for the most of the day. We've been broken up for 1 month now but we were still living together during that month. He only moved out last weekend and it's only been 2 days of no contact.

The argument in my head is this. If I don't send him a message I will come across as bitter and angry and uncaring. But he lied to me during the break up and was very much an assclown to me swinging back and forth between "I love you" and "I don't love you", while telling me he's falling in love with his new squeeze and they're taking it slow! That is after he had drunken sex with her and blamed it on me because he thought I was sleeping around too, which I was not.

If I do send him a message then he gets the satisfaction of knowing that for a second I was thinking of him and he'll know I miss him. I don't want to come across as that. Would that be clingy and give the vibe of "I want you back?"

I did all the mistakes of begging and pleading and having sex with him while feeling vulnerable during that month. But I am now hell bent on NC to get over him and realise what a disaster it would have been for had I ended up with this guy. So no birthday message is the way to go??

Are you a woman?

 

[Shockwavedave]

The argument in my head is this. If I don't send him a message I will come across as bitter and angry and uncaring. But he lied to me during the break up and was very much an assclown to me swinging back and forth between "I love you" and "I don't love you", while telling me he's falling in love with his new squeeze and they're taking it slow! That is after he had drunken sex with her and blamed it on me because he thought I was sleeping around too, which I was not.

He doesn't care about you very much. Therefore why would you care about sending him a happy birthday message?

 

[rjd]

Guys, a couple of things to bear in mind...

1) If a girl tries to get you to break NC to meet up, it might mean that she misses you and wants to get back with you.....or it might mean that she just wants an ego boost i.e. you to say "i miss you so much, you're so great" etc etc. Suss out her intentions first.

2) No matter what happens, always be the one who needs her less. Post-relationship there are often power games, and a woman is usually determined to win them. No contact is the highest form of power, because it shows you don't need her in your life.

If you do decide to meet up with her, for goodness sake get sex and then assess the situation. Sex should be the minimum cost of breaking NC. Remember this is about flipping the script and putting you in control.

GroOver, you're #1 point was right on the mark man. I went NC with a girl twice, but turns out she was a huge attention wh*re and just wanted an ego boost.