The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Don De Grey]

Day 6.

Got a work email from her today about a non critical problem on another business unit that I occasionally work on.
Funny thing is she cc'ed the Engineer of that project and directed the email to me. I should have not been on the email at all.

Did not reply, I threw the ball in his court as he is fully aware of everything going on between us.

 

[narcissist]

Day 19... at home today for Thanksgiving. Thought about her a bit while playing board games with my family because she used to as well with us... miss her a bit today.

 

[Robert28]

Day 19... at home today for Thanksgiving. Thought about her a bit while playing board games with my family because she used to as well with us... miss her a bit today.

You’ll have days and things that set you back. Hell, I haven’t gone back to the zoo or gone to a baseball game since I broke up with my ex cause those were things we did a lot together.

 

[Don De Grey]

Ego protection and sounds very emotionally immature. She will look for confirmation she did the right thing to end it everywhere and in everything you do, but with time emotions will disappear and she will look at everything more rational. That's around the time when they unblock you and come sniffing around again.

Sounds exactly like my ex (she blocked me too). Honestly I was only the second guy she ever slept with, and from what I’ve heard the other guy was more of a friends with benefits type of thing. He never treated her like a girlfriend, so in theory I was her first real boyfriend. I guess emotional immaturity is a given due to her lack of experience in relationships.

It’s really weird because logically she is way more mature than her actual age.

 

[goodbyehorses]

I under stand my advice is very binary but ultimately it works best because girls do want to play less games knowing you will cut bait and walk away. They have to be pretty low quality to still try to pull crap after knowing you won't put up with it. But if you still have it in your heart to give another chance (i think that is just teaching her to treat you bad, but that is just my opinion,) Do not even consider giving her another chance until you have fully healed. No matter what her blah blah blah says no matter what her actions show, matter what happens, heal first.

Then and only then make her work for it and prove herself. If not you are setting yourself up again for hurt.

You are right. But this means the same thing in the end I guess, because I understand 'being healed' as not caring for her anymore. I was happy the years I spent alone with myself, my hobbies, study, work, friends and not caring for anyone in a sexual or romantic way.

Day 38.

Today is really tough I don't know why. Woke up from a nightmare in which we were in a town on an island (not together but by ourselves) and a furious tempest came and I was terribly worried for her. Got up with sadness and intensely missing her. I wish to talk to her or write her so badly, please help

 

[xplt]

I was happy the years I spent alone with myself, my hobbies, study, work, friends and not caring for anyone in a sexual or romantic way.

Try to go back to this stage of yourself. Get busy with things you enjoy and go out. It helps a lot.

Today is really tough I don't know why. Woke up from a nightmare in which we were in a town on an island (not together but by ourselves) and a furious tempest came and I was terribly worried for her. Got up with sadness and intensely missing her. I wish to talk to her or write her so badly, please help

I feel the same when I had dreams including her. When you wake up and think about her, say to yourself "It's over!".
Just emotions - they fade. And thoughts - they are not reality and you don't have to act on them.

Remember the bad times when you think about the good times.

 

[xplt]

Woke up from a nightmare in which we were in a town on an island (not together but by ourselves) and a furious tempest came and I was terribly worried for her.

Do you have some kind of savior mentality?

Remember it's over.

You are not responsible for her any more.

 

[the_cog]

It's been about .month now. A mutual friend tells me that my ex, "Misses me. Wishes we could make up, not for a relationship but friendship."

I laughed so hard.

 

[goodbyehorses]

Thank you for your help @xplt

Try to go back to this stage of yourself. Get busy with things you enjoy and go out. It helps a lot.
Remember the bad times when you think about the good times.

Yes I'm keeping very busy these days, I'm rarely at home or alone. It's not easy though to control my thoughts and emotions.

My psychologist thinks it wouldn't do good for me to get back to that stage of my life, in her opinion I'd rather find somebody else to care, but again, I don't feel like it's something I could do at will. I'm trying but I fear it will take a lot of time.

Do you have some kind of savior mentality?

Yes I think I do. I like to be in a sort of 'caregiver' position with my partner. Moreover, she is much younger than me and still looking for her place in life so I feel some responsibility as a default. But I know I must not think this way anymore about her.

So it's day 39 today.

I'm going out this afternoon with one of the girls I'm hanging out with.
Still missing her badly but I'm trying to focus on everything that was bad in our 'relationship'.

 

[bcude]

It's been about .month now. A mutual friend tells me that my ex, "Misses me. Wishes we could make up, not for a relationship but friendship."

I laughed so hard.

Has she reached out to you about it?

 

[the_cog]

Has she reached out to you about it?

No. Haven't heard a word from her.

 

[dude99]

No. Haven't heard a word from her.

No. Haven't heard a word from her.

Then treat it as nothing but lip service. Her wishing you would make up is nothing, not even bread crumbs if she has made zero effort.

 

[bcude]

Then treat it as nothing but lip service. Her wishing you would make up is nothing, not even bread crumbs if she has made zero effort.

Truth right here. The dumper needs to put in ALL the effort, but apparently when it comes to women they all give me this look of "what do you mean? yeah she broke up BUT it's up to both now to keep contact" somehow they neclect the disrespectful obvious sign of the breaking up part and pretend it's up to both now. Have had countless women argue with me on that point.

Just proves the point to never listen to advice from women regarding women.

 

[goodbyehorses]

The dumper needs to put in ALL the effort

It's not really about who's the dumper / the dumped, more about who disrespected and cheated or lied to who. I am the 'dumper' in my situation but I don't feel like having to put any more effort in it.

 

[dude99]

Truth right here. The dumper needs to put in ALL the effort, but apparently when it comes to women they all give me this look of "what do you mean? yeah she broke up BUT it's up to both now to keep contact" somehow they neclect the disrespectful obvious sign of the breaking up part and pretend it's up to both now. Have had countless women argue with me on that point.

Just proves the point to never listen to advice from women regarding women.

Never listen to relationship advice from women. (A select couple here on sosuave are ok but they have no agenda )They are programmed to sabotage their own relationships and follow emotions not truth or logic. They enjoy the emotional roller coster. men do not.
When a woman offers relationship advice it is.99% without a doubt advice that will give you more heart ache.

She broke up with you. Next. Her fault. Up to her to fix the mess if you are willing to risk it again (i wont give a second chance though.) But her responsibility to try. You do not lift a finger.

It is up the both of you to fix it. Nope. No it is not. You do not eat their sh!t sandwich then ask for more. You do not lift a finger.

Remind them it only takes one to end the relationship. It doesnt take both of you to stay in touch and fix it. It takes her to fix it but only if you allow it.

 

[dude99]

It's not really about who's the dumper / the dumped, more about who disrespected and cheated or lied to who. I am the 'dumper' in my situation but I don't feel like having to put any more effort in it.

If she cheated and lied and disrespected you, why would you welcome such poor quality back?
There are better women out there.

 

[goodbyehorses]

If she cheated and lied and disrespected you, why would you welcome such poor quality back?
There are better women out there.

I am replying also to @Mauser96.

I know that 'quality' is a very subjective concept, and I have a strong belief in the possibility for people to change and grow (it's rare though, but it happens, just like s*** happens ).
This is even more possible in the case of young people, for obvious reasons.

So in fact, I don't want her back. I would like to meet a different version of this person, one who has learned the lesson and is willing to cope with her past mistakes. I bet this won't happen but, just in case, I would give to this 'new version' a chance because I truly care for her (I already did before falling in love, when we were just friends and I didn't want to be nothing more).

I know there are a lot of better girls out there, but I'm demisexual, it's not easy for me to find someone both sexually and emotionally attractive (it happened just twice in my life), the sparkle comes from a lot of combined reasons, not necessarily linked to 'quality' or 'virtues' or so; reasons not objectively measurable, and definitely out of my control.

 

[Don De Grey]

Day 6.

Got a work email from her today about a non critical problem on another business unit that I occasionally work on.
Funny thing is she cc'ed the Engineer of that project and directed the email to me. I should have not been on the email at all.

Did not reply, I threw the ball in his court as he is fully aware of everything going on between us.

Day 7

The guy I’m training couldn’t get in my building yesterday because of the holiday, ended up working with that other business unit with her yesterday. He came in this morning and said dude I don’t think that chick is over you. She talked about you several times yesterday. She even said out loud to everyone that you hated her before sending that email.

I am eventually going to have to do some work over there in the coming weeks, hopefully I can schedule my time on the weekends or after hours so I don’t have to come in contact with her.

 

[the_cog]

The dumper needs to put in ALL the effort,

She has made ZERO effort. I'm glad she hasn't. I'm about at the point where I don't care anymore.

 

[Don De Grey]

She has made ZERO effort. I'm glad she hasn't. I'm about at the point where I don't care anymore.

When you get past that point is usually when they come around. My problem is when I like a girl as much as my ex, I usually self sabotage (consciously or sub consciously) any plates that I’m spinning when that happens.

Back in my 20’s I purposely threw a 1 year relationship down the toilet for an ex I had strong feelings for.

Now I would be upfront and say I’m dating someone else, but open to also dating you again; and may the best girl win.