narcissist
Master Don Juan
Day 52
The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
Four months to the day since I left her.
Had several set backs after nights out with alcohol, so I quit on drinking.
I was walking on the street yesterday when she passed by in her car. I noticed her too late and looked her right into the eyes. Felt like a punch into my stomach. Never had a woman such an emotional impact on me.
Had several set backs after nights out with alcohol, so I quit on drinking.
I was walking on the street yesterday when she passed by in her car. I noticed her too late and looked her right into the eyes. Felt like a punch into my stomach. Never had a woman such an emotional impact on me.
Broke up five days ago. She said she didn’t see the relationship professing. I stated I agreed with her, we’re just just not compatible, no hard feelings. Haven’t seen or heard from her since. Just a little bummed but that’s about it. I DO NOT plan on contacting her whatsoever
7 days of no contact. I’ve been honestly feeling pretty good which confuses me because I thought I’d be a lot more bent outta shape about the whole thing. Truly think I can take this NC for the long haul because I would not get back together with her even if she did reach out to me which I do not think she will, which also helps. Not gonna lie, she is on my mind i’d Say almost constantly but the red flags about her were much more common then the green flags so to speak which make it easier. I do not check her social media but have still remained friends with her on Snapchat/fb/Instagram, basically to put my fortitude to the test.
Day 1
this is my first day of the challenge, although i have been in NC since November 7th.
I was dumped by my ex-fiance in August. I got the usual "let's be friends. I don't see us having a future" etc. spill. Of course the real reasons were she no respected me as a man and was ****ing her co-worker but i digress. The utility of our relationship had ran its course. So her love did too.
I realize now how beta I allowed my feelings for her to make me. I completely shattered my frame to fit into her's. I see now how that led to our destruction. I spent so much time trying to make her happy instead of doing what I needed for myself. Never again. My sense of validation was completely based on how we were. Everything else became trivial at best and irrelevant at worse.
I did the typical begging and pleading and bargaining. However i am proud of the changes i have made. I'm working on my appearance... I've never been bad looking but we all could do better am i right? I've changed jobs, gotten back into writing, and moved. Funny... The laundry list of things she said were her reasons have all been checked off... Yet broke up we remain.
I honestly don't want her back at this point. I realize i don't want anything serious. Do i miss her? Of course. I just want to get back over this lingering feeling i have in the back of my mind. This place she still has in my heart. I had an sexy plate in my bed last night. She was with whatever. I sealed the deal; you don't pass up opportunities like that. But I still caught myself wishing it was her.
this is my first day of the challenge, although i have been in NC since November 7th.
I was dumped by my ex-fiance in August. I got the usual "let's be friends. I don't see us having a future" etc. spill. Of course the real reasons were she no respected me as a man and was ****ing her co-worker but i digress. The utility of our relationship had ran its course. So her love did too.
I realize now how beta I allowed my feelings for her to make me. I completely shattered my frame to fit into her's. I see now how that led to our destruction. I spent so much time trying to make her happy instead of doing what I needed for myself. Never again. My sense of validation was completely based on how we were. Everything else became trivial at best and irrelevant at worse.
I did the typical begging and pleading and bargaining. However i am proud of the changes i have made. I'm working on my appearance... I've never been bad looking but we all could do better am i right? I've changed jobs, gotten back into writing, and moved. Funny... The laundry list of things she said were her reasons have all been checked off... Yet broke up we remain.
I honestly don't want her back at this point. I realize i don't want anything serious. Do i miss her? Of course. I just want to get back over this lingering feeling i have in the back of my mind. This place she still has in my heart. I had an sexy plate in my bed last night. She was with whatever. I sealed the deal; you don't pass up opportunities like that. But I still caught myself wishing it was her.
bcude
Master Don Juan
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Great post and very similar to a story of mine. When the respect is gone, it's over and afterwards you just cringe of your behavior. Your head seem to be at a good place but i can also recommend you to read "no more mr. nice guy" by Robert. A. Glover.
Stay strong and stay in NC and you will get over her sooner rather than later, remember SHE has to put in the work if she wants your attention in any kind of form now, don't give it to her for free. Breaking up has consequences. Your focus should be on you and you only.
Day 11, it is slowly gettin better. I have no urge to contact her whatsoever but I’m just preparing myself hearing through mutual friends that she’s either already dating or hooking up with someone. But I think I’ll be ok. At a stage where it’s really easy to remember the good times even though from an objective point of view, she didn’t treat me like anything special.
If she was cheating on you with a coworker, you dodged a bullet. Better it happened now before the marriage than after and her not only cheat but take half your assets too
DAY 15. It’s starting to hit a little harder now that I’m past two weeks. Still have zero urge to contact her. I’m absolutely desperate to get over her. It just comes in waves where at one point I’m happy and content and feel fine that it’s over but the next second I’m missing her. Thinking about taking a break from even looking at social media in general. It just sucks that she’s legit constantly in my head. I feel like an addict lmao. Just want it to pass
bcude
Master Don Juan
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Time, space and other women (when you feel like it) will get her out of your head.
It also helps to write down things that annoyed you about her, reasons that led to the breakup, all the negative stuff. Write it down and look at it whenever you become "soft" and romanticize her in your head, it will keep you straight. Nothing good comes out of social media unfortunately, but i understand the curiousity. Addiction, that's exactly what it is. That's why we advise you have to treat it as such and stay off the drug in any way or form.
Don't miss the opportunitity to learn something from the breakup though, learn but don't wallow in micro analysing everything. You have a golden opportunity here to use the motivation of pain to become better, it's a blessing in disguise.
@Mike41090. Having been here about 2.5 years ago, at the time, I was a mess. Completely distracted, losing weight, drinking more that I should have and thoughts popping into my head out of nowhere. Thankfully, I'm not a drug user except for occasional weed.
Chances are better than not that a strong urge to contact her WILL hit you. It didn't really hit me hard until about about 5 weeks in and I didn't feel fully myself for a few months. Up until 2-3 weeks, it was more: oh well. I actually installed a text ap that allowed you to set a delay time after the send button was pressed. I set it at 30 seconds and I can't tell you how many times that saved me from making a huge mistake. It was amazing to me how my head magically cleared after pressing that send button and having the 30 seconds to press the "X" ....
Priceless!
I can't stress the solid advice on here to not torture/tempt yourself by browsing social media. For me, doing so seemed to keep things alive instead of letting them slowly wither away as they should. She will be with another guy, just like you will eventually be with another girl. You knowing it will not change it, it will just slow the process. Don't be ashamed of taking time to mourn and strive to redirect the pain towards making yourself so awesome that she will be the one eventually regretting/living the past.
Something else that works for me:
I pick music in a new Genre and force myself to listen for a week, even if I hate it the whole time (I use Pandora). It not only prevents a memory inducing tune from entering your ears, but also opens your mind to new things. Being a lover of classic/modern rock and some post punk, I would never have thought that Roots Reggae and Country would ever appeal to me. On the other hand, if I never hear another Black Metal song, that is more than fine with me. An unexpected bonus to this was that I also found that an eclectic taste in music also helps to open up doors with more women since it not only helps me stand out, but offers more opportunity in conversation.
In the not too distant future, when this has passed, you will probably come back to this thread and see others with a current similar situation. The thought in your head will probably be similar to mine: "I can't believe that this was me on here" and then thank my lucky stars that this place exists. There is a treasure trove of solid info on here. Listen and stay the course.
Chances are better than not that a strong urge to contact her WILL hit you. It didn't really hit me hard until about about 5 weeks in and I didn't feel fully myself for a few months. Up until 2-3 weeks, it was more: oh well. I actually installed a text ap that allowed you to set a delay time after the send button was pressed. I set it at 30 seconds and I can't tell you how many times that saved me from making a huge mistake. It was amazing to me how my head magically cleared after pressing that send button and having the 30 seconds to press the "X" ....
Priceless!
I can't stress the solid advice on here to not torture/tempt yourself by browsing social media. For me, doing so seemed to keep things alive instead of letting them slowly wither away as they should. She will be with another guy, just like you will eventually be with another girl. You knowing it will not change it, it will just slow the process. Don't be ashamed of taking time to mourn and strive to redirect the pain towards making yourself so awesome that she will be the one eventually regretting/living the past.
Something else that works for me:
I pick music in a new Genre and force myself to listen for a week, even if I hate it the whole time (I use Pandora). It not only prevents a memory inducing tune from entering your ears, but also opens your mind to new things. Being a lover of classic/modern rock and some post punk, I would never have thought that Roots Reggae and Country would ever appeal to me. On the other hand, if I never hear another Black Metal song, that is more than fine with me. An unexpected bonus to this was that I also found that an eclectic taste in music also helps to open up doors with more women since it not only helps me stand out, but offers more opportunity in conversation.
In the not too distant future, when this has passed, you will probably come back to this thread and see others with a current similar situation. The thought in your head will probably be similar to mine: "I can't believe that this was me on here" and then thank my lucky stars that this place exists. There is a treasure trove of solid info on here. Listen and stay the course.
I hear ya that’s some really good advice that I will defintely give a shot. I’m also having a hard time eating as much as I used to, lost a little bit of weight but getting back into the gym next week because I’m also keeping myself completely busy on my days off (ski trip this weekend). I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good. Kinda feels like a dreadful challenge in a way lol
Yes, it is a dreadful challenge, but the alternative could be a more painful one.
"I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good."
It is extremely rare that things go better the second time around as much as your mind tricks you into thinking that it will.
I have seen many on/off relationships, but only know of one that lasted and there was a four year gap between them being together.
"If" you are even slightly considering this if the opportunity arises, think long and hard about you repeating what you are going through now, again with the same person. I have been there and being an optimist and the type of person that hates to give up on any challenging thing, it was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.
Ski trip = Snow Bunnies
"I feel like I’m on the cusp of not taking her back which is good."
It is extremely rare that things go better the second time around as much as your mind tricks you into thinking that it will.
I have seen many on/off relationships, but only know of one that lasted and there was a four year gap between them being together.
"If" you are even slightly considering this if the opportunity arises, think long and hard about you repeating what you are going through now, again with the same person. I have been there and being an optimist and the type of person that hates to give up on any challenging thing, it was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.
Ski trip = Snow Bunnies
Haha it’s funny you say that. This is actually the second time I dated her (approx 1 year break in between). We lasted longer the second time around and honestly I had some really good times with her and went to some really cool places. But I believe it was becoming too routine and the spark was fading. After the first go around, the breakup was very tough on me but I still managed to see other women and date around (she did the same). I also felt like pulling the chord a little bit this time around but I did not have the balls. Kinda like you said as well, when we broke up I stated that I don’t give up on things and it’s natural for me to keep trying (as it is for majority of men in my opinion) but it is what it is. But I’m trying to move towards being happy for her and kinda look on the whole relationship as a positive (which it was in regards to idea of silver linings lol). Once I reach that point, I feel like I’ll be set.
bcude
Master Don Juan
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You know i hear you very well and i'm the biggest optimist myself. I never give up on investments i see potential in, that also means relationships that came to an end, but here is the problem. Once a woman decides to leave you, the respect/attraction/admiration is gone and she no longer sees you as the best she can get. She believes there is something better out there for her (if she hasn't already found him), that usually coincides with you behaving in a weakminded way. Is this fixable? In theory yes but the effort it takes is bad return on investment.
We all know that the only way a LTR can be sustainable and healthy is when she desires you, sees you as her king and she enters your world.
Now here comes the big problem with our positive thinking:
You cannot negotiate genuine desire
Which means whatever attempt we try once we have been dumped, means compromises and negotiated and is doomed to fail again.
It might only have any kind of chance in the future is if she comes back and puts in a real continuous effort to win you back and we choose to take her back.
But this isn't something endorsed by this forum since it's the opposite of the mindset of a high value man with an abundance mindset, which is mighty attractive to all women out there and will give you many many options, like her, and better. That's a good return on investment right there.
We all know that the only way a LTR can be sustainable and healthy is when she desires you, sees you as her king and she enters your world.
Now here comes the big problem with our positive thinking:
You cannot negotiate genuine desire
Which means whatever attempt we try once we have been dumped, means compromises and negotiated and is doomed to fail again.
It might only have any kind of chance in the future is if she comes back and puts in a real continuous effort to win you back and we choose to take her back.
But this isn't something endorsed by this forum since it's the opposite of the mindset of a high value man with an abundance mindset, which is mighty attractive to all women out there and will give you many many options, like her, and better. That's a good return on investment right there.
