The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Cejay]

Jared,

This happened to me with my ex wife. You don't need to be "nice" about it, I'd go with polite but firm. Be selfish. Be Alpha. DOn't let your AFC buds make you a failed white knight.

You weren't married, your role as BF (not that you are) is not to fix her problems, women actually hate that. You are not even her BF or her friend at this stage.

Some responses that come to mind:

"I'm well aware of [ex]'s problems. She has made it clear that we are not together so as such, please do not give me further updates. It's none of my business."

If you don't want to be too cold you can add: "She has parents, friends, and family to support her through xxxxx and I'm confident she'll be fine"


Another response:

You: "Didn't you hear?"
Them: "No?"
You "We broke up. "

Let it get a bit silent/awkward and move on. If they come back with a "So?"

You: "So its none of my concern, or yours" (last part optional)

That's probably the more alpha response. Sometimes less is more.

CJ.

My biggest problem right now is people keep bringing up the drama going on in her life to me. I get she's having a ****ty life but I honestly don't want to hear about it lol. How do I tell these people nicely to stop bringing it up?

 

[Cejay]

I feel great not having it. I had deactivated it for ~6 mo, reactivated for a bit during this (for Tinder) and just hated it. So happy its gone from my life.

CJ.

Deactivated Facebook. Something I never saw myself doing, I actually feel better than usual from this!

 

[Cejay]

Day 35

Something has defintley changed in the past few days. I really don't think of her too much all of a sudden.

I'm happy, like really happy.

The ex crept into my mind a bit last night but we're talking like 10% of usual and pushing her away was easy. She drives a really common vehicle here and my new thing is pushing out looking in each one as I drive by them. Stupid I know but its working and reduced.


I was going through my hard drive on another computer and found some pics of us from one of our early dates. We were smiling and happy looking at a professional party. I looked at her and thought "Man, what did I see in you? " and moved the pics. I didn't feel sad, and I didn't feel attracted to her at all. Before that would have thrown me into a mental tailspin for hours.

Dropping the clingy plate didn't phase me after the first hour. I felt massive relief more than anything.

I'm ghost on the last few, 2 of which sent 1 non actionable stupid "update" texts. They got one word answers in response so they'll get it. Otherwise I'll let them know I'm off the market for a while.

I'm actually really happily single right now. I feel great. I'm getting to the gym and focusing on my goals. I have no intentions of dating for several months.


The Nice Guy book is helping but I listened to this podcast and had a massive breakthrough of personal discovery regarding my past relationship problems over multiple relationships. Go to "The New Man" podcast on itunes and find episode 163 with Liam Casey. It really spoke to me. Liam has a Ted talk devoted to the subject and I'm going to check it out.


My goals for the next 90 days:

Gym 5 of 7 days /wk (Shooting for 7)
90 days without alcohol
Lose 25 lbs
1 professional blog post per wk
Finish a certification I've been working on.
Track and possibly reduce time on online forums if impeding goals
Asert myself, not fearing rejection or conflict
Put me first in all decisions

CJ.

 

[fafo]

Hi guys !
Just an update.
Its been over a month now and I feel great. :yawn:

Cejay - Im happy to hear that you are getting stronger

Some strange things are happening but I try to stay cool for the most part
The ex of my ex's new guy(dont know if you catch that) is showing interest in me. Started at my birthday with a wish but the convo continued. Got out with her on a date playin some pool but I realise Im still a complete AFC and dont know how to escalate or show that Im interested in her Will work on that and maybe get her on another date instead of FB chatting. I dont know if Im interested in her, she is cool and hot(HB7) but I feel kinda strange about that situation

Another stupid thing. A friend of my ex wanted to tell me how great she is with the new guy(I was feeling confident so I stood to listen). How they say they will always love eachother and this is the best love they had so far(showed chat), how he says to her he loves her(month together),she is the only star in his life and he will always be there for her (I know ) and she is typing the same **** seeming to love it as she wanted to make me feel bad maybe but I laughed about it and said its not normal and they will crash and burn if they dont stop with the teenager love. She was in shock about my reaction
Dunno but I've never felt so much love and **** at a month together with a girl and this kind of behaviour seems illogical to me. What do you guys think ? :wave:

 

[Lozboss]

Something has defintley changed in the past few days. I really don't think of her too much all of a sudden.

I'm happy, like really happy.

The ex crept into my mind a bit last night but we're talking like 10% of usual and pushing her away was easy. She drives a really common vehicle here and my new thing is pushing out looking in each one as I drive by them. Stupid I know but its working and reduced.


I was going through my hard drive on another computer and found some pics of us from one of our early dates. We were smiling and happy looking at a professional party. I looked at her and thought "Man, what did I see in you? " and moved the pics. I didn't feel sad, and I didn't feel attracted to her at all. Before that would have thrown me into a mental tailspin for hours.

Dropping the clingy plate didn't phase me after the first hour. I felt massive relief more than anything.

I'm ghost on the last few, 2 of which sent 1 non actionable stupid "update" texts. They got one word answers in response so they'll get it. Otherwise I'll let them know I'm off the market for a while.

I'm actually really happily single right now. I feel great. I'm getting to the gym and focusing on my goals. I have no intentions of dating for several months.


The Nice Guy book is helping but I listened to this podcast and had a massive breakthrough of personal discovery regarding my past relationship problems over multiple relationships. Go to "The New Man" podcast on itunes and find episode 163 with Liam Casey. It really spoke to me. Liam has a Ted talk devoted to the subject and I'm going to check it out.


My goals for the next 90 days:

Gym 5 of 7 days /wk (Shooting for 7)
90 days without alcohol
Lose 25 lbs
1 professional blog post per wk
Finish a certification I've been working on.
Track and possibly reduce time on online forums if impeding goals
Asert myself, not fearing rejection or conflict
Put me first in all decisions

CJ.

Really happy for you buddy.

Great goals- I've got my fingers crossed but I'm sure you'll smash them.

Remember to have a rest day from gym. Helps keep cortisol down.

 

[Insidout]

The first half of Day2 was awful, the dam in my heart broke open and all my good memories flooded back.. worst feeling ever!

I started reading No more mr.nice guy book CJ recommended, finished about 30% of it, so far it's so good.. but makes you wonder :/

Later in Day2, she texted me.. she started pulling the same bill$sh1t she always pulled and got my nerves.. to be honest, I was tempted to suggest we get back together. but this girl is so manipulative and irritating so I just told her to cut it out. I said I won't tolerate her childish behavior and that she should leave me alone.. which she did.. 5 mins later she blocked me on all social medias.. how immature!

I have to say I feel much better. I don't regret breaking up with her anymore and I finally think that I did the right thing.. but still, I can't stop thinking about her, I really miss her.

Isn't it sad how things turn? one day you love someone and to you they're the whole world.. suddenly they're out of your life and you're blocking each other and calling each other names.. life sucks!

Cejay..
I'm really happy for you.. sounds like you've moved on and you no longer have feelings for that woman.
but I can't help myself thinking.. why?!
right now, pictures of my ex bring back all the good memories and they do throw me into mental tailspin.. I know moving on will make me feel better, but why do I have to hate the woman that I loved to be happy? it's called love for a reason for God's sake!

I'm glad everyone here seems to be doing great.. keep it up guys!

My goals are not set yet.. at this point I'm confused and can't think rationally.. ofc I have life goals I'm committed to, but it doesn't have anything to do with my girl or our breakup..

 

[Cejay]

Responses inline.

Later in Day2, she texted me.. she started pulling the same bill$sh1t she always pulled and got my nerves.. to be honest, I was tempted to suggest we get back together. but this girl is so manipulative and irritating so I just told her to cut it out. I said I won't tolerate her childish behavior and that she should leave me alone.. which she did.. 5 mins later she blocked me on all social medias.. how immature!

This is normal. She doesn't want to see you day to day. Doing so reminds her of you. She also may not want you to see what she is up to.

I have to say I feel much better. I don't regret breaking up with her anymore and I finally think that I did the right thing.. but still, I can't stop thinking about her, I really miss her.
Also normal, NC helps with this.

Isn't it sad how things turn? one day you love someone and to you they're the whole world.. suddenly they're out of your life and you're blocking each other and calling each other names.. life sucks!

Horribly sad. I get it. When you first hook up and it burns so intense, you text, call can't get enough of eachother.

Cejay..
I'm really happy for you.. sounds like you've moved on and you no longer have feelings for that woman.
but I can't help myself thinking.. why?!
right now, pictures of my ex bring back all the good memories and they do throw me into mental tailspin.. I know moving on will make me feel better, but why do I have to hate the woman that I loved to be happy? it's called love for a reason for God's sake!
I don't hate my current ex, I don't even hate my ex wife who cheated on me but I don't want to be a part of either of their lives. There were good times and bad times, they both contributed to who I am and me them but it's over. For it to be over and both of us to move on we need serious separation time. We may be able to be friends in 6 months or even years but I'm not thinking about that.

My goals are not set yet.. at this point I'm confused and can't think rationally.. ofc I have life goals I'm committed to, but it doesn't have anything to do with my girl or our breakup..
One step at a time. Step 1 is NC, read the guides at the beginning of this thread. Think. I allowed myself a pitty party few days. I read a lot on the internet. I posted here and probably over shared a lot but I got great support and am giving back as "thanks." I felt sorry for myself, I got drunk a few times, did very little, but I set myself a goal of pitty party ends after N-Days and then I stuck to it. My history is well articulated here so I'm not going to repeat it but I welcome you to read it and ask me questions on PM. I'm not a counselor, I can only tell you what helps CJ and what I learned.

I know how you feel man, it sucks but it does get better. A LOT better. Read this thread, there are lots of recent posts of people who were just as torn up as you were, but they are recovering and getting better.

CJ.

 

[Lozboss]

Cejay..
I'm really happy for you.. sounds like you've moved on and you no longer have feelings for that woman.
but I can't help myself thinking.. why?!
right now, pictures of my ex bring back all the good memories and they do throw me into mental tailspin.. I know moving on will make me feel better, but why do I have to hate the woman that I loved to be happy? it's .

Mate it's tough- It really is.

It's not about hating your Ex- if you're human you will always care for them. It's about realizing in a mature way that it isn't meant to be.

The wound is raw and open at present- believe me that time will heal and you won't feel like that. That's why we do NC.

You need to focus on you now- your life. As Rob Glover says in the nice guy book- Nobody is put on this Earth to make you happy- it's your responsibility. Use this as an opportunity to learn that.

Keep reading the book and you'll soon discover that this is all part of growing as a mature individual emotionally.

Corey Wayne says it perfectly: If you're meant to be together you will be- forcing it won't change that

 

[fafo]

The first half of Day2 was awful, the dam in my heart broke open and all my good memories flooded back.. worst feeling ever!

I started reading No more mr.nice guy book CJ recommended, finished about 30% of it, so far it's so good.. but makes you wonder :/

Later in Day2, she texted me.. she started pulling the same bill$sh1t she always pulled and got my nerves.. to be honest, I was tempted to suggest we get back together. but this girl is so manipulative and irritating so I just told her to cut it out. I said I won't tolerate her childish behavior and that she should leave me alone.. which she did.. 5 mins later she blocked me on all social medias.. how immature!

I have to say I feel much better. I don't regret breaking up with her anymore and I finally think that I did the right thing.. but still, I can't stop thinking about her, I really miss her.

Isn't it sad how things turn? one day you love someone and to you they're the whole world.. suddenly they're out of your life and you're blocking each other and calling each other names.. life sucks!

Cejay..
I'm really happy for you.. sounds like you've moved on and you no longer have feelings for that woman.
but I can't help myself thinking.. why?!
right now, pictures of my ex bring back all the good memories and they do throw me into mental tailspin.. I know moving on will make me feel better, but why do I have to hate the woman that I loved to be happy? it's called love for a reason for God's sake!

I'm glad everyone here seems to be doing great.. keep it up guys!

My goals are not set yet.. at this point I'm confused and can't think rationally.. ofc I have life goals I'm committed to, but it doesn't have anything to do with my girl or our breakup..

No man its not about hate at all.
Hating someone wont get you anywhere.

I dont hate my ex even when she forgot me right away(or at least seems like it) and got with another dude. I have pitty for the dude

I still sometimes remember my first girl with which I was 4 year LTR and it brings a smile on my face(best BJ's ) but that was a long time ago, now she is with someone else and life continues.
The mature thing to do is accept that she is part only of your past but not your future.

Feel happy for her if she finds someone to be with, so will you. If she is not happy for you then screw her.

The most important thing is to be self-sufficient so your happiness doesent depend on someone else. :rock:

 

[Insidout]

Day3..
literally dying, I feel I need to contact her no matter what.. like it's so urgent.
I swear if I know she won't reject me I will contact her right now.. but I can't face another rejection, my heart is already in shambles..

The thing is, I recently moved to a new country, which means my family isn't here to help me through this..
I'm currently making new friends, but it's not easy as it sounds especially when they don't speak your language,.. which means there are almost no one to help me through this. even though I have a bright career and wonderful life opportunities here, I miserably live alone.. which isn't helping at all! my anxiety is striking and i don't know what to do.. maybe I'll contact her, even if we fight it would still be better than this. what do you think?

 

[Cejay]

Same deal on new country and no friends for me.

Check out "meetup.com" and go to some stuff. Volunteer, go to gym, on and on.

Stay strong.

CJ.

Day3..
literally dying, I feel I need to contact her no matter what.. like it's so urgent.
I swear if I know she won't reject me I will contact her right now.. but I can't face another rejection, my heart is already in shambles..

The thing is, I recently moved to a new country, which means my family isn't here to help me through this..
I'm currently making new friends, but it's not easy as it sounds especially when they don't speak your language,.. which means there are almost no one to help me through this. even though I have a bright career and wonderful life opportunities here, I miserably live alone.. which isn't helping at all! my anxiety is striking and i don't know what to do.. maybe I'll contact her, even if we fight it would still be better than this. what do you think?

 

[ZTIME]

The first half of Day2 was awful, the dam in my heart broke open and all my good memories flooded back.. worst feeling ever!

I started reading No more mr.nice guy book CJ recommended, finished about 30% of it, so far it's so good.. but makes you wonder :/

Later in Day2, she texted me.. she started pulling the same bill$sh1t she always pulled and got my nerves.. to be honest, I was tempted to suggest we get back together. but this girl is so manipulative and irritating so I just told her to cut it out. I said I won't tolerate her childish behavior and that she should leave me alone.. which she did.. 5 mins later she blocked me on all social medias.. how immature!

I have to say I feel much better. I don't regret breaking up with her anymore and I finally think that I did the right thing.. but still, I can't stop thinking about her, I really miss her.

Isn't it sad how things turn? one day you love someone and to you they're the whole world.. suddenly they're out of your life and you're blocking each other and calling each other names.. life sucks!

Cejay..
I'm really happy for you.. sounds like you've moved on and you no longer have feelings for that woman.
but I can't help myself thinking.. why?!
right now, pictures of my ex bring back all the good memories and they do throw me into mental tailspin.. I know moving on will make me feel better, but why do I have to hate the woman that I loved to be happy? it's called love for a reason for God's sake!

I'm glad everyone here seems to be doing great.. keep it up guys!

My goals are not set yet.. at this point I'm confused and can't think rationally.. ofc I have life goals I'm committed to, but it doesn't have anything to do with my girl or our breakup..

2 days already of pure freedom! What a gift! You don't see it yet, and it probably will be a while before you do. But take my word for it, that day will come.

I noticed that you still receive text messages from her. This is your choice, but NC works a lot better if you delete all forms of communication with this girl. Block her #, her e-mails, social networks, and everything you can think of.

Use this new freedom and time of yours to start to become who you want to be. emerge from this as the victor.

Or tomorrow just sit around and keep thinking about her. But you'll still be confronted with the same choice the next day.

You see, everyday you will be confronted with choices; some easy and some a little more difficult. It's these choices that will allow you to become a man that would never dream of dating that thing you just threw away ever again.

Think of it like you've been buying the "Kellogg's variety pack" your whole life. Everyday you kept eating the frosted flakes because you thought you loved them. Now you find out that the frosted flakes contain aspartame which causes cancer, so you throw that s**t away. The good news is that there's tons of healthy breakfast cereal out there. It's time to sample some of it. Don't ever again eat the cancer causing, aspartame laden, soggy frosted flakes .

You smell what I'm stepping in??

Good luck with your journey!

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Day3..
literally dying, I feel I need to contact her no matter what.. like it's so urgent.
I swear if I know she won't reject me I will contact her right now.. but I can't face another rejection, my heart is already in shambles..

The thing is, I recently moved to a new country, which means my family isn't here to help me through this..
I'm currently making new friends, but it's not easy as it sounds especially when they don't speak your language,.. which means there are almost no one to help me through this. even though I have a bright career and wonderful life opportunities here, I miserably live alone.. which isn't helping at all! my anxiety is striking and i don't know what to do.. maybe I'll contact her, even if we fight it would still be better than this. what do you think?

I hope what I think doesn't hurt your feelings, but I remember that it was tough love that worked best when I was in your shoes. So I think your mindset is cringe-worthy. Contacting her is idiotic (and weak) and I'm afraid you would deserve the pain which would inevitably be worse than leaving it alone.

While every single man that's on this forum has loved a woman and been burned, seeing this madness in real-time is an eye opener once you've survived it and come out a better man.. I went through this crap starting in 2011 and didn't reclaim myself until last year.

I can't help but hearken back to what intergender relationships were like 50-60 years ago before second wave feminism. Men were kicking ass, taking names, and doing manly jobs for money. Their wives got together on Tuesday nights and complained that they could never keep their husbands satisfied.

Do you think the famous picture of the man sitting on the ledge of a crane 1,000 feet in the air constructing the Empire State Building was "dying" for a woman?

We have lost our way as men and it's a long road back...

 

[Lozboss]

Tough day today- I'm actually feeling it more in week 2.

However- I deserve better and I'm focussed on myself. I want to get back to being me- where I don't care about what any woman thinks or does.

I guess the only thing bugging me is how long I'll be experiencing these pangs. Just want to move on and get it out the system.

 

[Insidout]

Later in Day3, she unblocked me on social medias. the blocking didn't last a day!
You see what I mean when I say she's manipulative and immature?

There's no way on earth I'm contacting her now, first of all, I know she's not moved on yet, the whole situation is unstable and maybe some time apart will help both of us.
Then if she decided to get back, I'll think of it, but right now I'll stay focused on myself. it's really hard but at least this unblock helped me a little, for I know this is her way of saying she wants me back, which gave me some control and confidence boost.

 

[Cejay]

Insideout,

Sounds like you're stabilizing and understanding your situation.

I strongly suggest that you block her on Social Media and on your phone. Trust me. It really helps.

You can always unblock her in a few months.

CJ.

Later in Day3, she unblocked me on social medias. the blocking didn't last a day!
You see what I mean when I say she's manipulative and immature?

There's no way on earth I'm contacting her now, first of all, I know she's not moved on yet, the whole situation is unstable and maybe some time apart will help both of us.
Then if she decided to get back, I'll think of it, but right now I'll stay focused on myself. it's really hard but at least this unblock helped me a little, for I know this is her way of saying she wants me back, which gave me some control and confidence boost.

 

[Cejay]

Lozboss,

You're doing well.

Focus on today and you, one day at a time. Are you busy enough?

Maybe a good time to try a new experience or hobby and go out of your comfort zone?

CJ.

Tough day today- I'm actually feeling it more in week 2.

However- I deserve better and I'm focussed on myself. I want to get back to being me- where I don't care about what any woman thinks or does.

I guess the only thing bugging me is how long I'll be experiencing these pangs. Just want to move on and get it out the system.

 

[Lozboss]

Lozboss,

You're doing well.

Focus on today and you, one day at a time. Are you busy enough?

Maybe a good time to try a new experience or hobby and go out of your comfort zone?

CJ.

I don't know mate- I'm struggling. Not going to contact her but I'd hardly say doing well.

I reckon it's just because I'm not as busy at work (only got 3 more weeks till I finish).

Trying to get some gym sessions in but also dieting so struggling with the energy levels

How you doing CJ?

 

[Cejay]

Lozboss,

Not contacting her is doing well. Its so easy these days.

Not being busy is a killer. (at least for me) I have really amped up my busy-ness.

A change of diet can be tough and a lot to take on for anyone. Any chance you're taking on too much change at the moment?

At the same time, at week 2 I just plain felt like sh1t and maybe you just need to get through it.


I'm doing well. I think that I crested some sort of mental hill this week. I still think of her a little here and there. Probably 2x a day, I start to wonder how she is and what she's doing but I don't allow myself to dwell on it and try to think about something more productive. Its nowhere near what it was.

I think part of the problem for me was not knowing many people so she played the role of GF and BFF which fvcks with my frame and made the loss considerably bigger.


I got involved with some local clubs and I'm meeting a ton of guys I have stuff in common with. Making new friends and dropping the plates has really helped.
At the moment, I'm polite but ignoring the women.


Keep going man. You'll be happy again.

CJ.

I don't know mate- I'm struggling. Not going to contact her but I'd hardly say doing well.

I reckon it's just because I'm not as busy at work (only got 3 more weeks till I finish).

Trying to get some gym sessions in but also dieting so struggling with the energy levels

How you doing CJ?

 

[Wisconsin144]

I hope what I think doesn't hurt your feelings, but I remember that it was tough love that worked best when I was in your shoes. So I think your mindset is cringe-worthy. Contacting her is idiotic (and weak) and I'm afraid you would deserve the pain which would inevitably be worse than leaving it alone.

While every single man that's on this forum has loved a woman and been burned, seeing this madness in real-time is an eye opener once you've survived it and come out a better man.. I went through this crap starting in 2011 and didn't reclaim myself until last year.

I can't help but hearken back to what intergender relationships were like 50-60 years ago before second wave feminism. Men were kicking ass, taking names, and doing manly jobs for money. Their wives got together on Tuesday nights and complained that they could never keep their husbands satisfied.

Do you think the famous picture of the man sitting on the ledge of a crane 1,000 feet in the air constructing the Empire State Building was "dying" for a woman?

We have lost our way as men and it's a long road back...

This is extremely true. We need to be the MEN that were supposed to be. Looking back on these feelings I do remember them, but once you give it time, you will cringe at how you felt and will move on. Don't contact her, live YOUR life. You'll find better.

-Jared