The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[narcissist]

I realized something very important today, and this, i think can be a huge barrier to letting go of a relationship for many men/women out there.

i realized that my ex girlfriend was a narcissistic supplier to me - she feed my ego VASTLY and that it is a problem that i need to confront head on

it is making this breakup a little more difficult then need be because im the type of person that needs validation (which is my own internal problem)

so i wait by the window hoping shes comes back and begs for me back, or i watch my phone intently hopeing she texts me saying "sorry i f**ked up" or i hope that she feels like absolute crap for cheating on me

and when she does this ignore ignore ignore

but i think that its just a need for validation - and this has inherent consequences and implications

when she doesnt come to the house, or text me, or confess her need for my forgiveness, it doesnt allow for the validitory satisfaction

and this can lead ALOT of guys back to their ex's and lead ALOT of guys out of no contact

but all these things are illusory components to myself that are inherently my own problems and are my own subconsious downfalls

i need to understand where this need for validation comes from and i need to satisfy it by myself

or in general tone down the need for validation for it could stain my future relationships

this is where im at right now... trying to understand why i have an inherent need for validation and how i can tone it down or be okay with myself, without other peoples validation.. because thats true freedom - true independance

when you dont need other people validation you are truly happy

but when you do you become a dependant little child where anyone, especially exs or gf can take advantage of

hmmm just a thought

 

[m7ytn]

So if she calls me the next time and tells me how she misses me etc. And i ask her out for a cup of coffee so we can talk out, you think that is wrong thing to do? It will not bring her back or what? Because i think we might be able to talk and try to go for a new start. I know how insecure she is and i think she's having second thoughts about the breakup.

You don't ask her out for a cup of coffee, because you don't know she misses you...because you don't answer or respond to her call. I am starting to feel like a broken record. She probably is having second thoughts about the breakup, but you can't be sure why she is having second thoughts. Not all reasons are created equal... if its just because she needs a place holder in her life, you are going to get hurt and it will be worse than this time. When she contacts you, how are you going to know her reason? Certainly not by taking her word... I hate to break it to you dude, but the results are out: WOMEN LIE. She certainly will tell you that she misses you, that she loves you, that you were the one, that she is sorry, that she has seen the error of her ways...and maybe she will mean it, but you know what? She is going to say the same thing even if she doesn't. How do you know if she is sincere? Go NC on her @ss, wait 60 days and see what tune she is singing then...when your thoughts about her, the relationship and your life are not affected by some unrealistic view you may hold.

Some guys are just immune to good advice... don't be that guy. I cannot be any more clear, IT IS THE WRONG THING TO DO. Maybe it will bring her back...I don't know, but I almost guarantee that if it does it will only be temporary because you haven't took the time to figure out what is fvcking the relationship up. And I am not saying it is you that is fvcking it up...it might be her...hell, it probably is her, but you aren't going to know until your head is clear. You need an unbiased perspective, because right now any contact that you receive from her is going to be perceived as an opportunity to start the utopian life you have always wanted with her...DONT FALL INTO THAT TRAP.

Of course you are going to think you will be able to work it out, because that is what you want, because that is your addiction speaking. Have you ever been around a serious drug addict? A drug addict will justify their next hit because of the feeling it gives them for the moment, while totally denying it to themselves that it is going to lead to their destruction...same principle here. Just because you want it to work it doesn't mean that she feels the same way. Her intentions might be to simply keep you on the back burner...how will you know? NO CONTACT. If she is remotely interested in a future relationship, she isn't going to jump into an LTR in 60 days. If she does...then make no mistake, she wasn't interested.

In conclusion: NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT...let me break that down--> you don't call her, you don't answer her, you don't try to instigate a chance meeting, you don't acknowledge her existence...for any reason. Based on what you have told me, there is no reason. There are no kids, you don't work together, and she doesn't have your stuff. Don't create a reason in your mind...people try to do that. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT...I don't care if she sends you a text saying she is going to kill herself...you don't break NC. And FYI, if she does that... you call the police and let them handle it (I've been there before), but you don't break contact.

 

[m7ytn]

this is where im at right now... trying to understand why i have an inherent need for validation and how i can tone it down or be okay with myself, without other peoples validation.. because thats true freedom - true independance

Sounds like you're on the right track dude... hang in there!

 

[dvx]

You don't ask her out for a cup of coffee, because you don't know she misses you...because you don't answer or respond to her call. I am starting to feel like a broken record. She probably is having second thoughts about the breakup, but you can't be sure why she is having second thoughts. Not all reasons are created equal... if its just because she needs a place holder in her life, you are going to get hurt and it will be worse than this time. When she contacts you, how are you going to know her reason? Certainly not by taking her word... I hate to break it to you dude, but the results are out: WOMEN LIE. She certainly will tell you that she misses you, that she loves you, that you were the one, that she is sorry, that she has seen the error of her ways...and maybe she will mean it, but you know what? She is going to say the same thing even if she doesn't. How do you know if she is sincere? Go NC on her @ss, wait 60 days and see what tune she is singing then...when your thoughts about her, the relationship and your life are not affected by some unrealistic view you may hold.

Some guys are just immune to good advice... don't be that guy. I cannot be any more clear, IT IS THE WRONG THING TO DO. Maybe it will bring her back...I don't know, but I almost guarantee that if it does it will only be temporary because you haven't took the time to figure out what is fvcking the relationship up. And I am not saying it is you that is fvcking it up...it might be her...hell, it probably is her, but you aren't going to know until your head is clear. You need an unbiased perspective, because right now any contact that you receive from her is going to be perceived as an opportunity to start the utopian life you have always wanted with her...DONT FALL INTO THAT TRAP.

Of course you are going to think you will be able to work it out, because that is what you want, because that is your addiction speaking. Have you ever been around a serious drug addict? A drug addict will justify their next hit because of the feeling it gives them for the moment, while totally denying it to themselves that it is going to lead to their destruction...same principle here. Just because you want it to work it doesn't mean that she feels the same way. Her intentions might be to simply keep you on the back burner...how will you know? NO CONTACT. If she is remotely interested in a future relationship, she isn't going to jump into an LTR in 60 days. If she does...then make no mistake, she wasn't interested.

In conclusion: NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT...let me break that down--> you don't call her, you don't answer her, you don't try to instigate a chance meeting, you don't acknowledge her existence...for any reason. Based on what you have told me, there is no reason. There are no kids, you don't work together, and she doesn't have your stuff. Don't create a reason in your mind...people try to do that. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT...I don't care if she sends you a text saying she is going to kill herself...you don't break NC. And FYI, if she does that... you call the police and let them handle it (I've been there before), but you don't break contact.

Well i almost completed 30 days of NC until she called on day 25. Do i have to start all over again? I mean these recent 30 days felt like forever and i was dying each day. It did not get easier for me. I was very happy when she called on day 25 because i started to lose all hope that she will ever call again. 60 days sounds impossible man. I know she will call again sometime soon maybe after a week or two. I think i can manage to ignore her for a few weeks after that. But 60 days i think she will move on totally and i will waste my chances forever, don't you think? It's been 5 months already since she dumped me.

 

[m7ytn]

Well i almost completed 30 days of NC until she called on day 25. Do i have to start all over again? I mean these recent 30 days felt like forever and i was dying each day. It did not get easier for me. I was very happy when she called on day 25 because i started to lose all hope that she will ever call again. 60 days sounds impossible man. I know she will call again sometime soon maybe after a week or two. I think i can manage to ignore her for a few weeks after that. But 60 days i think she will move on totally and i will waste my chances forever, don't you think? It's been 5 months already since she dumped me.

Yes, you have to start over. I am on day 1 myself...but that is because I had to get my stuff back from her. I should have done it right after we broke up, but that is hindsight. I was on day 26, so trust me...I know, it blows hard.

It will get easier, trust me.

You were not happy when she called, you were relieved of your anxiety that was caused by thinking she moved on. For NC to work as it is supposed to, you will have that anxiety...you have to push through it. Draw fire and drive on.

60 days is only impossible if you keep telling yourself it is. Tell yourself you WILL go the full 60 days... not that you will try, to try is to imply failure. No one said this is going to be easy.

She probably will try to call you...NO CONTACT.

Like I said before, if she moves on in 60 days, you did not have a chance to begin with.

I am in this with you man, I had to start back over too...but I know I am going to do it. That is what the board is for...support for when you have a weak moment. Stick it out, me and the other guys here want to see you succeed in this... don't let us down, but more importantly don't let yourself down.

 

[Culebra23]

. How do you know if she is sincere? Go NC on her @ss, wait 60 days and see what tune she is singing then...when your thoughts about her, the relationship and your life are not affected by some unrealistic view you may hold.

Well said my brother; it's not our job to get the woman who dumped us to take us back, rather IT"S THEIR JOB TO GET US TO TAKE THEM BACK - remember your worth men, you are valuable too!!! Anything less is settling, and why would you want that, why should you be happy to get a second chance with the person who caused you all this pain and misery? Once you heal you will be a better, stronger and wiser person. You will realize you were not perfect and neither was the ex, who broke up with the one person who cared for them. Now you have to take your new found love, that love you have replenished, that self love and give it to a new woman, it's the ex who lost now!! The woman who left you could have stayed and made your relationship stronger but she made her choice, by accepting the break up you are finalizing her decision, that's what men do, they uphold their convictions and don't waiver. I'm sure your ex left to try out other opportunities, sample other sausages but now it's your turn to visit the fish market - AGAIN!!

Being dumped allows you the unique opportunity to move forward with a clear conscience, think of it as her loss!! The sea is full of fish, all types, sizes and colors: white, black, yellow oh and spanish (which can be quite feisty). Enjoy your single life while you can, us men are a commodity, especially those of us who are emboldened, wise, strong and can walk away from a woman who left us out to dry. Lesson learned - never let a woman think that you fear losing her, in your next relationship employ NC right away, it's all a game with women, learn how to play the game and come out winning next time.

 

[tripod23]

hi guys , im on day 63 of nc , since I told her what I thought of her behaviour towards me ,

a lot of women will do and say anything to get what they want ....I mean in a serious manner as im writing this , I know for a fact that I couldn't and wouldn't lie to someone just to make things look better than they are , but I will tell you something ,,,,,most chicks do it all the time . it will take me a long time to feel like I can trust any chick ever again . don't get me wrong I know there are genuine ones around , foook knows where but iv been led to believe they are out there.

my ex came back after we broke up last yr , saying how special I was to her and how her feelings hadn't changed , she roped me in good and proper , what I fvcking mug I was to believe her ****e . she must think what sucker he is...........

all she did from the get go was nob me around , im just glad I saw what she was trying to play early on otherwise she would have been laughing her tits of at me BIG TIME , BUT as soon as I spotted the red flags I foooked off , she was just looking for validation , she had no intention of making things right what she had fooooked up before.......

anyone reading this needs to realise that without fixing the issues what caused the breakup in the first place , your setting yourself up for a massive paste-innnnng , and it will sting trust in what telling you.

I will hold my hand up and say I thought she was genuine , but how fooooking wrong was I , the pain I felt has been lingering all year , seriously its been dreadfull if im really honest about it .

but I did have the balls to tell her what I thought , then I walked away and that was 63 days ago , and I haven't tried any form of contact , her numbers are history they were deleted and any copys were put through the shredder , and I am slowly feeling better . [ but very slowly ]

guys you need to remember never tell them your true feelings , and I mean it , do not makes the mistakes I did here , because it will bite your ass so hard your head will be left in a total spin and then you will make further mistakes as you continue to try and get back what you once had with her.

what you had was special I have no doubt about that , but its no longer available , because its been discontinued now , when you go back they try to lay down the law in how its going to be from now on , for me this felt like she was just taking the pisssss , hence why she had to have it.

I have now accepted that it wouldn't work with this girl , because I don't trust her at all , and without trust its a no no.

I say if they are going through the branch phase , and they trying to keep you as the backup plan ,SPOT THE RED FLAGS AND TELL HER to do one , because they only want to rub more salt in your wounds , have the diceplane to walk and never look back.

follow your gut feeling fellas , as its very rarely wrong , I feel very bitter about being treat like ****e by someone who claimed she loved me blah blah blah , but I think I am more angry at myself really for being roped in .

anyway time moves on and you have to stay positive .

good luck fellas

 

[dvx]

Yes, you have to start over. I am on day 1 myself...but that is because I had to get my stuff back from her. I should have done it right after we broke up, but that is hindsight. I was on day 26, so trust me...I know, it blows hard.

It will get easier, trust me.

You were not happy when she called, you were relieved of your anxiety that was caused by thinking she moved on. For NC to work as it is supposed to, you will have that anxiety...you have to push through it. Draw fire and drive on.

60 days is only impossible if you keep telling yourself it is. Tell yourself you WILL go the full 60 days... not that you will try, to try is to imply failure. No one said this is going to be easy.

She probably will try to call you...NO CONTACT.

Like I said before, if she moves on in 60 days, you did not have a chance to begin with.

I am in this with you man, I had to start back over too...but I know I am going to do it. That is what the board is for...support for when you have a weak moment. Stick it out, me and the other guys here want to see you succeed in this... don't let us down, but more importantly don't let yourself down.

Im on day 3 right now on the new NC round. She has not called yet. And I sure as hell won't be easy to reach like i was last time. This round of NC it's time to teach her a big lesson. And make her realize that she has lost me forever. Only then might I have my real chance. If she truly believes that i have moved on, that will tear her down, and make her desperate and beg me. I know how she works. My biggest fear is that she will meet someone else it's a race against the clock. Im feeling bad as hell each day. There's not a single second that i don't think about her. So yea it's damn hard man.

 

[narcissist]

LOL omg READ THIS****

holy crap so basically the craziest thing just happened

lol you guys arent even going to believe it..

so basically her friend came because i had to get my things and she was giving them to me instead of my exgf

and i had a couple things to toss my ex, the rest of her things...

so i get into her car and basically she starts talking to me about how my ex still loves me and all this bull crap and im just sitting there and im like mmhmm

and after talking for about 5 mins MY EX JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUNK SWEAR ON MY MOTHERS EFFING LIFE NO JOKE HAHA

she tries hugging me and all this bulls**t

omg most awkward sh*t

so basically no contact has been broken but i think this is an exception fellas

i maintained my exposure and kept a calm collected poise

w/e back in side now and she prolly left worse off then before...

AND TO TOP IT OFF

i forgot my damn s**t in the car

 

[narcissist]

honestly f**k the stuff in the car, materials dont really matter to me anyways.. theyre just objects...

id rather never see the girl again

 

[m7ytn]

after talking for about 5 mins MY EX JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUNK SWEAR ON MY MOTHERS EFFING LIFE NO JOKE HAHA

she tries hugging me and all this bulls**t

omg most awkward sh*t

What kind of clown-f*ckery is that? I would be pissed as hell... I have heard of some crazy ****, but that is right up there near the top of the list dude.

Did she just act all super confident that you were gonna greet her with arms open? I am really struggling to make sense out of what could have possibly led her to believe that was a good idea...

I would definitely consider that an exception... and good job keeping your self together.

 

[tripod23]

[/QUOTE]and after talking for about 5 mins MY EX JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUNK SWEAR ON MY MOTHERS EFFING LIFE NO JOKE HAHA

she tries hugging me and all this bulls**t

omg most awkward sh*t


AT LEAST NOW YOU HAVE SEEN FIRST HAND HOW F--KED UP SOME WOMEN ARE , I HAVE GOT TO TELL YOU , READING THIS HAS MADE MY DAY .........PURE GOLD.

A FAMILY MEMBER OF MINE SAID MANY YEARS AGO THEY ARE ALL CRAZY , IT TOOK ME MANY YEARS TO REALISE HE WAS CORRRRECT.

 

[Tack]

First post on these forums but I've been reading this thread every few days for the past month or so. Came across this place as a result of "The Book of Pook" (read much of it some time ago) but kinda put it to the back of my mind until now!

I wont bore you with the full set of details but I'm young (18), really quite inexperienced and going through my break-up with my first (now ex) girlfriend of around a year and a half. As I said I've been lurking here intermittently but decided to post, I believe I'm at day 38 or thereabouts.

I'll post a bit more later, just a quick thanks for everyone sharing their experiences - it's especially helpful for me given my lack of past experiences with women.

 

[mkj1990]

I actually experiences something last night that I haven't done before.

I'm not going to get into detail about my relationship with my ex once again (you can re-read my posts if you want to), but it's been rought. On and off for allmost a year, she treated me like sh*t, rebounded just to smear it in my face ect., and a around 1 1/2 months ago she dumped me in a bad and immature way.

I went straight into NC, and things started to go better day by day, week by week. I had some setbacks along the way but all in all I was starting to feel better with my self. I still missed the good times, and not a day went by that I did not think about her.

The first month passed by without any contact, apart from her sending me a couple of snapchat pictures. Around the 40 day-mark things started to happen. She drunk texted me, I did not answer. Another few days went by, and she texted me again. I answered, but kept it short and was cold as ice.

And then, last night, she sent me a text where she opened up to me, telling me that she felt very guilty for fvcking up my life, treating me like ****. Told me I did not deserve it at all, I was the best person she had ever met, but still she had treated me like sh*t. She tried to explain why she did it.

Though there's no exucuse for the way she treated me, it was nice to get an appology, and one that seemed sincere as well. My answer was short, as I still don't want to have contact with this girl. I texted just that I'm glad she realized it herself.

I am never going back to this girl - ever. And what she did yesterday might have been a part of a plan to bring me back. If so, that plan is not going to work. But that text actually helped me a lot, it seems.

At that point I felt like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. Like I was really ready to move on, 100 %. Those feelings of anger and dissapointment that I've kept inside of me for the last couple of months seemed to fade away. I think that I at this point accept fully that this is over, and why it is over. I don't agree with her on everything, but I accept it. I don't want to go back. Everything has been said and done, there is no questions left unanswered.

Think I got my closure. Whatever it is, it feels good.

 

[tripod23]

mkj1990 thats awesome mate , im glad that you have heard what you needed to hear to let go.......my ex is so foooking stubburn i dont think she would realise how she has treated me even if i held a gun to her head.

i have just this minute seen her , she let me out of my road as she lives very close by , iv got to say the feelings are still there for me , the temptation to speak to her is there to, but i didnt really acknolege her even tho she let me go , she looked pissed off to be fair , i think she is angry at me because i told her some home truths plus i blanked her in the pub one night while i was talking to other chicks, and my mate spotted her looking over at me all night he said it was so obvious she still had feelings that it was a joke and very funny to witness , but the truth is the truth and she was treating me badly so i told her so .

good luck anyway and keep moving forward.

 

[Tack]

and after talking for about 5 mins MY EX JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUNK SWEAR ON MY MOTHERS EFFING LIFE NO JOKE HAHA

Fantastic(ally awkward)! The OP doesn't really go into much detail on car trunk traps (lol) so you can only judge for yourself if you handled it well. You do have to give her some credit for that plan though, that's pretty hilarious but not terribly helpful for either of you moving on.

 

[BeefNoJerky]

NC Challenge, Day #3

Though we haven't had any contact in 5 days, I'm on my 3rd day of having accepted this challenge.

Though I have moments of thinking about her and, to be honest, longing for her, this NC Challenge has been a big help. Knowing that I *can't* contact her gives me a moment to think about why I decided to cut things completely.

This moment of pause allows me to remember that virtually any contact with her is either painful or it leads to pain.

Prior to this NC Challenge, I would just HOPE that she and I wouldn't have a meltdown and devolve into nastiness. Even on the good days, I had this underlying sense of insecurity about how things COULD go.

Now, however, I feel empowered. She doesn't have the option to interject herself into my life and make me feel like crap. I can go about my day without having her sharp tone, judgmental bullsh** in it. This is super liberating.

Hang in there guys,
BeefNoJerky

 

[Machtwo]

And then, last night, she sent me a text where she opened up to me, telling me that she felt very guilty for fvcking up my life, treating me like ****. Told me I did not deserve it at all, I was the best person she had ever met, but still she had treated me like sh*t. She tried to explain why she did it.

At that point I felt like a weight had been lifted of my shoulders. Like I was really ready to move on, 100 %. Those feelings of anger and disappointment that I've kept inside of me for the last couple of months seemed to fade away. I think that I at this point accept fully that this is over, and why it is over. I don't agree with her on everything, but I accept it. I don't want to go back. Everything has been said and done, there is no questions left unanswered.

Think I got my closure. Whatever it is, it feels good.

This is absolutely brilliant, my ex is stubborn as hell, if I ever get this kind of message from her I will totally, 100%, be over her forever.
I feel slightly confident that a similar message will eventually come my way, just hope it's soon! lol

 

[Backwardsman]

Hi all, just a bit about today - Was at work where my ex works, had to walk past her, she said hi, i said hi back and carried on...

Now literally just had the "i miss you" text....

 

[Machtwo]

What are you gonna do now?