Slick Tales

[Slickster]

Lets translate the manese: I can't be in a serious relationship with YOU.

Good translation.

I think though that you should consider moving to a bigger city in Canada. Seriously, i have no idea how Rebecca and Corrine just found out about one another.

I love where I live. I love my job. I couldn't leave because of a woman. Although Rebecca and Corrine have both recently moved back to my city they both went to highschool together here. Same Grad class actually. What are the chances? THEY weren't/aren't "friends" but they do have mutual friends. After the BBQ at Rebecca's I told Corrine that I had been dating other women (Rebecca). I had to. The cat was out of the bag and hiding it would've been deceitful. And like you said earlier being honest has its advantages.

My only question is this: What do you plan on doing for the year that Rebecca is gone? Long Term Relationship? Doubtful.

Yeah man I'm not sure what is going to happen yet. Part of me hopes she doesn't leave but deep down I know she most likely will. If things with her progress well then I guess I'll give the long distance thing another try knowing full well of the difficulties.
It could be extremely difficult staying loyal especially with a chick like Corrine around. If Rebecca is as "real" as she seems then I'll respect that. If I sense some bullshyt is going on then I'll have to react accordingly.

Once again Drixsa thank you for your time and support. You always seem to give great advice friend. Greatly appreciated.

 

[Squid]

Hey Slick

Interesting turn of events for sure. I think you made the right choice as well regardless of how it turns out. You have to go with your gut man, it's not about being afc, who cares if anyone thinks that. Dude, you have a better connection with this one, she seems to be more suited to you and your values, that is more important than a hot body and great sex, trust me. You can always coach her in the bedroom anyway

Don't worry about letting yourself go and getting burned for now, see how it goes, maybe she won't move afterall. Like you said, you know how to recover from a breakup, it's never the end of the world.

It's been my experience that gut instinct is always right. Good luck buddy, keep us posted.

 

[Slickster]

You too Squid!

Thanks very much for all the advice and support when I needed it.

I'll keep you guys updated.

 

[juaneo]

Nice one Slickster!!

Very inspiring, best thread I've read on this site in ages, wish there were more like this.

 

[Slickster]

Update

Hello again!

I haven't been around the forum for a few weeks. I've been meaning to post some updates, but in all honesty I haven't felt like myself lately.

So where I left off last, I had chosen Rebecca and left Corrine with a broken heart. The last 3 weeks have been tough to say the least. I really had no idea how strongly Corrine felt about me. We had never really discussed our relationship and we were only seeing each other a few times a week at most. As I've mentioned before she seems to spend time with other male friends so I never really considered that her feelings were so deep.

After the last drama at the restaurant I saw Corrine a few more times over the following weeks. She wanted to talk and discuss what happened. I must say those conversations were difficult. Its very tough to tell someone who you were having a great time with that you are no longer interested. Especially difficult considering she never did anything "wrong" either. Many tears and some heart to heart talks left me feeling exhausted, confused, and a little sad. In the end though I managed to "smooth" things over with Corrine. I feel like the door isn't totally closed if we happen to cross paths in the future.

While all of this was going on I was attempting to start a new relationship with Rebecca. I'm very hesitant to discuss my situation with Rebecca as I feel like I've really handled things in the most un-DJ manner. All the lessons, rules, techniques, methods, plans, and stuff that I've made part of my personality have gone right out the window! Its very refreshing and feels great!

Now I don't want any of you thinking that I've gone AFC or have oneitis over this girl because its simply not the case. Over the years I have dated, and had relationships with ALOT of women. Never before have I experienced something quite like this. For whatever reason Rebecca and I just seem to "click". We have made this incredible connection in a very short time. I feel like I've known her for years.

I think back about other women I've had relationships with in the past. How I'd always seem to spend great amounts of time and energy deciding whether she qualified as someone I'd want a relationship with. Now many of these women were extremely good looking and were for the most part great people too. For whatever reason though I would never really open myself up or let myself "feel" too much for them. I wasn't cold but I was definitely distant. I heard that more than once from a woman.

Things with Rebecca have just been so easy though. So much so that those other relationships just seem meaningless now. It feels so natural to be with her that I've completely abandoned my "game". At times I wonder if I've lost my mind altogether. You see I haven't put myself "out there" like this for a LONG time. I've always been afraid of getting hurt. This whole situation has me totally out of my comfort zone and it feels good.

Rebecca and I spent a grand total of 3 weeks together. She moved to a nearby city 2 weeks ago. She isn't enrolled in the upcoming semester for school. She doesn't even have a job there. She just up and moved. It was very difficult for her to leave but its something she felt she had to do career-wise. She doesn't even know when she's coming back. So how do you base a long distance relationship on 3 weeks?

Anyhow here I am left scratching my head and thinking what the hell am I doing!?! Why did I bother? Why did I give up the best sex of my life for a chick who I knew was moving away? I've always liked the advice that actions speak louder than words. Well Rebecca's words tell me that she is 100% into making this thing work. Yet she moved??? Does a woman with high interest level in a guy move away? Trust me guys I'm well aware of how ridiculous this situation is. I can't help feeling really stupid about it sometimes.

I guess I've just been playing this game for so long with the same results. I feel that this time things are different and I'm curious to follow through with it to see where things go. I'm terrified of getting burned here. I know that if things go sour that this could be very painful. Yet I feel I have to risk it. I have to try.

This week I'm heading to the city to spend time with her. This weekend we are going camping. I'll be staying at her place and meeting her roomates and friends. It sounds like she's been telling them all about me. I'm sure I'll be under the microscope. It will be interesting to see if I fit into her life there.

So guys I didn't really plan on this thread heading in this direction. What can I say? I've been swept off my feet by an amazing woman. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed it was possible.

I'm not sure if anyone is interested in hearing how this all plays out so maybe I'll just leave it up to you guys to tell me whether to continue or not.

Thanks for all the advice and support. Talk to you soon.

Slick

 

[Squid]

Hey Slick

I'm not sure you should look at her moving as not being as interested in you as you are in her. I'm waiting to hear about my dream job that I have been jumping through hoops for 13 months now. While I have been seeing one woman in town here fairly casually for a few weeks, and I do like her alot, if I get the call I'm gone, nomatter how much I care for her, that's just the way it is. If I was staying would I consider something long term? absolutely, but I don't think the opportunity is going to happen.

Anyway, stick with it, see where it goes. The only thing I have to say is be careful dude, don't get too caught up in it. I'm curious how things will go for you, definitely keep posting. If you want to cheer Corrine up you could give her my number

 

[NewMan]

Anyhow here I am left scratching my head and thinking what the hell am I doing!?! Why did I bother? Why did I give up the best sex of my life for a chick who I knew was moving away? I've always liked the advice that actions speak louder than words. Well Rebecca's words tell me that she is 100% into making this thing work. Yet she moved??? Does a woman with high interest level in a guy move away? Trust me guys I'm well aware of how ridiculous this situation is. I can't help feeling really stupid about it sometimes.

if it's only been 3 weeks, you cannot expect any sane and secure person to throw away all of their plans.... is that what you were thinking?

Probably more of the fact that you are second guessing yourself - which I think is very valid in this situation. I would as far as to say you should probably reel yourself in - you should know better that to throw everything at her - not matter how good it feels you don't want to 1) get out of control emotionally 2) get needy and forget your DJ principles

Your DJ ways have got you this far, noe more than ever is it more important to continue using them with this girl.

Always hold back a little something.

 

[Slickster]

Well I'm out the door heading to the city.

I would as far as to say you should probably reel yourself in - you should know better that to throw everything at her - not matter how good it feels you don't want to 1) get out of control emotionally 2) get needy and forget your DJ principles

Your DJ ways have got you this far, now more than ever is it more important to continue using them with this girl.

Newman, Squid, Spider thank you for the wise words.

I'll keep you all updated.

 

[hithard]

Great thread slick, Im hooked on it.Couple of words that you probably already know.Dont spoil her to much too early it will poison her later on(that also means being house maid or chef).Dont put all her hopes and dreams above yours.Make sure your life is not all about her.
But after reading through all your threads.You have already been round the block a few times.And I hardly see you going chump. Revise on your own thoughts of your values,how not to act and on keeping women.Its always a safe bet at the start so you dont lose yourself too much.
Be happy in the moment ,but always be aware.Dont turn into the drool fool that afflicts us all from time to time.
Great thread keep us posted

 

[drixsa]

Slick-

You better keep this damn thread going.

Seriously, this small thread is probably one of the few reasons i still come to this site.

Ok, maybe im being a bit over the top but do not stop updating us.

I am going to be very brief in explaining to you the consequences for your actions.

In a relationship where two people have feelingsfor one another there is control. The people who say it is 50/50 are full of s#it.

Now, i am not saying that she has you around her finger or that you have become a tool but it is something to keep in your head.

Many relationships end because the guy becomes more of a tool and the girl wants who she was attracted to in the first place.

Now, i know you think that it wont happen to you but when you talk about dropping the DJ act it scares me a bit.

Maybe we hold different definitions but being a DJ isn't about what you say on the phone or how often you see her but how you act, your morals/values, the way you treat ppl etc.

This may sound quite juvenille but playing "hard to get" always works. Now, you shouldn't avoid her calls for a week but she should be calling you just as much if not MORE than you calling her.

This principle goes into effect for many other things as well.

The games never stop being played.

 

[Slickster]

Things that make you go hmmm...

Hey guys just a little update on this story.

First off I want to say you were all right in regards to me putting my feelings in check and not abandoning my DJ game. I may have made it sound like I had turned into a needy, desperate, chump but that wasn't the case at all. It was just that I am so used to playing games with women that I was on "new" ground so to speak with Rebecca. There is this incredible mutual attraction between us and alot of the game playing and DJ stuff just seemed unneccesary. Anyhow as I have found there is NO escaping the "game" EVER! No matter how great things are and how "real" things feel it is still a game. Sad but true.

Since Rebecca left for the city she has been calling me everyday and telling me how much she misses me and how much she likes me etc. So when I finally show up in the city to see her I was expecting a big welcome. Well it just wasn't so. She was happy to see me but just not as excited as I expected. Physically the contact (touching, kissing, etc) between us had cooled off considerably. She seemed reluctant to kiss and touch me. Hmmm I thought "Let the games begin".

This wasn't so bad though, as I was now on very familiar ground. I know all the "in's" and "out's" of creating attraction very well. I was a little dissappointed that I had to revert to game playing with her but that's just the way it goes I guess.

So the first night was a little awkward between us. Even the next morning. We went out for a bite around lunch time and I tried holding her hand on the street. She only held my hand for a short time and then pulled away as if uncomfortable. Later I tried kissing her in a book store. She turned her head away. I just smiled at her and shook my head and said, "Okay, you won't be getting anymore of those." Then came my "I don't give a shyt hard to get routine" which predictably ended up with her being the one trying to kiss me etc.

By nightfall she was all over me again and admitted that things were a little "weird" between us that day. I thought to myself "maybe to you".

So as we headed out for our camping trip I was feeling okay about things. My feelings were reeled in. I had put some walls up but I felt confident in my abilities to keep Rebecca's interest level high. It was about a 5 hour drive to the place we were headed and along the way we had some real meaningful conversation about our relationship and our future. Guys I don't know what it is about this girl but she draws so much out of me that its scary. I just can't help but open up to this person. So by the time we got there I was once again feeling overwhelmed by the crazy connection I have with Rebecca.

Over the next few days our relationship grew in leaps and bounds. Way too fast for my liking but like a fool I was just going with the flow. Although we've only been together for a short while we speak of things so openly and sincerely that it feels like we've been together for years. So when it came time to take her back to the city I was feeling very good about things between us. She was having a real tough time with her decision to move to the city and was hinting that she was considering moving back to be closer to me. Sounded good but I wasn't putting any pressure on her and left the decision entirely up to her.

The next week proved to be very interesting. All week I was still getting phone calls from her telling me how much she misses me etc. Come Friday night I give her a call only to find out from her roomate that "she's out for drinks" even though it was obvious that there was a party going on in the background. I tried calling her cell but it was turned off. Hmmm....? Something fishy going on and I think I know what it is.

Sure enough the next morning I get a call from a crying Rebecca telling me that she f*cked up and was out on a date with some guy. She tries playing it off saying that she didn't realize it was a date, blah, blah, blah. She tells me it was just drinks with a friend. I'm thinking "if it wasn't a date then why do you sound SO guilty." So I asked her, "While you were getting ready to go out with this guy did you do your hair and get dressed up nice to impress him?" There was a long pause and she replied, "Yeah, I guess it WAS a date." She assured me that nothing happened between them and she was thinking about me the whole time. I do believe her. I guess the guy couldn't have been too interesting. If he was I'm sure I'd be old hat.

Now deep down I was very dissappointed about all this. However I didn't show much emotion. I was a little distant but not upset. I just told her that her words and actions don't match up. For example, she tells me all about how she wants to be with me and only me, yet she moved away and is now dating other guys. I said if that's what you want then that is fine. Just be honest with me about it and we'll go from there. I said "I'm sure you'll figure things out, talk to you later."

A few hours later guess who is at my door crying? Rebecca made the 3 hour trek from the city to set things "right". We had a real heart to heart talk where she basically admitted how strongly she feels about me and how she is terrified of losing me. I admitted my feelings for her were the same but I gave her some tough love. I told her that actions speak louder than words and she needs to figure out what she wants. I sent her back to the city to think about it.

A couple of days later I get a call from her saying that she wants to move back to be with me. However she also adds that her decision isn't final she still has some thinking to do. She's coming back this weekend to visit and look for potential employment.

Guys I know this all sounds overly dramatic and like a bunch of BS but I'd really like your opinions on this situation. I'm crazy about this girl. I know that is wrong. I know that things have gone too fast with her. I know that I've handled things poorly. Its all very uncharacteristic for me. I normally follow all the DJ rules and I've been VERY successful attracting tons of women. Yet my past experiences with all those women hasn't really gotten me anywhere. Things just seem different with this one and I've been bending and breaking the rules all over the place.

My brain is telling me there are red flags everywhere. My gut is telling me to proceed with caution. My heart is telling me to forget all that BS and go for it.

This could be the start of something very special.

I could also be setting myself up for a BIG heartache.

Hmmm.....

 

[Magico]

Sup Slick, good to hear from u.

Thanx for reminding us never to drop our game.

If she wants to get back to your city to be with you that sounds fine, you're not risking anything. Just keep your game running, sometimes more sometimes less, you'll know your timing.

If you're as crazy about her as you say my hat off to you for how you played this.

 

[optimist prime]

I'm not liking the scenario. Reminds of a girl who wants to have her cake and eat it too. I mean cmon, shes going gaga over you all week and then she goes on a date with another guy? Doesn't add up. Actions speak louder than words my friend.

I once had the exact same thing happen to me with my fiance. Exact. After the "date" with the other guy she balled her eyes out and swore her undieing love for me etc etc etc. 2 months later she left me for the date guy. Im not saying that she will leave you for her date guy, but hell, for all you know she really liked the guy and HE rejected her, so she came running back to you because she knew you were there for her. Think about it, if you were really into a girl (like you are her) and had just spend a great week together camping and had taken the relationship to another level, would you be even thinking about going out with another girl? HELLZZZ NO!!

Not only that, but she had her roommate lie to you about the date, and she shut her phone off while on the date because she didnt want YOU calling and upsetting things. Dont listen to what she says, look at what she does. And my read on this is she really liked the guy otherwise she would have not risked losing you by doing this. For whatever reason the date didnt go as well as planned-probably because HE rejected HER. Also, this whole time you two are hanging out and talking, shes doing the same with another guy. Not good.

Besides, isnt this an awful lot of drama for a relationship so early on? Tons of red flags here. I would tell her to not move back so soon and that you should slow things down. You are rewarding her for her "date" by saying come back here, I miss you, I want you. She will only use that to her advantage farther down the line, trust me.

Good luck because you are gonna need it.

 

[drixsa]

hey slick,
i just happened to check ss.com and boom! A new post from you.

One of my main concerns with your relationship with Rebecca is that you didn't get a chance to get to know her THAT well. Now obviously that can take a very long time but you are infainuated with this girl (i hate the term 'love' because it is used so cheaply).

She seems quite up&down where one minute shes happy another she is sad, first she is unsure and doubtful next she is driving three hours to see you.

Maybe it has become to late for you but whatever chance there is i want to tell you to try and protect your heart. I know that sounds quite lame but things are happening really fast.

I have to say i am a little thrown off by her going out on a date after verbalizing her feelings for you. (Just keep that in mind)

What happened to her being driven and setting high goals for herself etc. If she is moving back is she giving up on them?

After reading some of the other replies to your current post i think that optimest prime added a good point that 'actions speak louder than words.'

The overall feeling that i am getting and what I hope you will keep in mind is that you and Rebecca are getting too close too fast. ''The distance makes the heart go fonder'' and in your case this fits all to perfectly.

By all means though be postive, optimistic, and happy about your relationship but i like to give you a different perspective if I can so that you can see both sides of the coin.

All the best,

 

[optimist prime]

After thinking about this more I've come to the conclusion that this girl has Borderline Personality Disorder, and if she does? Run and run now.

One of the classic behaviors of a BPD is a short attention span, falling in love very quickly and falling out right again as soon as she grows bored of you, not caring about your feelings-all that matters is getting her excitement quota filled, fear of abandanment like what she exhibited driving 3 hours to see you after the date with the other guy didnt work out, not being faithful, not staying with one idea or goal for long-whatever gets her off is whats good for her then.

One of the most common aspects of being involved with a BPD is when you first meet them, you will feel like you have never met a girl like this before. She will fullfill all of your dreams, but that is because she will adapt to fill whatever it is she thinks you want to hear and see, not because thats how she really is. She will pull you in with her grand ideas, she may even tell you she loves you very quickly into the relationship, shell write you long emails and letters of love, and then just as quickly, it will all fall apart. You will notice little things at first, things that dont add up, little red flags. Then it will all exlode on you like your worst nightmare. Go to other threads on this disroder just on this site and youll see what im talking about.


I've been involved with one of these, by the time it was done I was in jail on made up domestic battery charges and 2 years of living hell. I suggest you go to this link..

http://205.252.229.155/nookboard/index.php?PHPSESSID=855e61b05d728a67269e00d0ab5f221e&board=5.0

and if she is anything like some of those people describe, get away as fast as possible, trust me.

 

[optimist prime]

Also, when you first went and saw her and whereas on the phone she was all love and kisses-calling every day, and when you went and saw her she played very cold? Another sign of BPD. When she was separated from you her fear of abandanment kicked in, she needed that reasurrance. When she saw you then she knew she had you so that fear was momentarily gone.

Same with why she had a date with that guy even though she claimed to have just spend a magical week with you. You were gone, 4 hours away. That guy was there, close, able to fullfill her needs of attention and excitement-didnt matter that she could hurt you in the process.

Same with moving out of the city to persue something she didnt really have any idea what it was about,a nd then abandoning it very quickly to come home. Oh how I could tell you stories about my ex and how she could go from one friend, one hobby, one idea to another and leave it a week later like it never existed.

Trust me, shell do the same to you some day. You seriously need to go to that link I gave you and read up on BPD and read what those people who have dealt with BPD have been through. Here is a link to a thread on it on this site, including my story.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=80167&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

 

[optimist prime]

What is BPD?

These are the criteria a professional uses to make a diagnosis. There must be 5 positive answers to the nine symptoms for a diagnosis.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is BPD?
Borderline Personality Disorder is a form of mental illness that is often found in survivors of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Some abused parties develop BPD and some do not for reasons that are unclear. BPD seems to run in families, but it is not yet known if this is due to genetic or environmental factors. BPD is very common but frequently undiagnosed or misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder.

DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)

 

[optimist prime]

BPD twisted thinking symptoms.......

1. All-or-nothing thinking - You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, "I've blown my diet completely." This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream.

2. Overgeneralization - You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as "always" or "never" when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the window of his car. He told himself, "Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!"

3. Mental Filter - You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the positive - You reject positive experiences by insisting that they "don't count." If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn't good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positives takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to conclusions - You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion.

Mind Reading : Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.


Fortune-telling : You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I'm really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you're depressed you may tell yourself, "I'll never get better."

6. Magnification - You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the "binocular trick."
7. Emotional Reasoning - You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless."

8. "Should" statements - You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, "I shouldn't have made so many mistakes." This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. "Musts," "oughts" and "have tos" are similar offenders.

"Should statements" that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general, lead to anger and frustration: "He shouldn't be so stubborn and argumentative!"

Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn't eat that doughnut." This usually doesn't work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this " must erbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.

9. Labeling - Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying "I made a mistake," you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." You might also label yourself "a fool" or "a failure" or "a jerk." Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but "fools," "losers" and "jerks" do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.

You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: "He's an S.O.B." Then you feel that the problem is with that person's "character" or "essence" instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves very little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and Blame - Personalization comes when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulty in school, she told herself, "This shows what a bad mother I am," instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman's husband beat her, she told herself, "If only I was better in bed, he wouldn't beat me." Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable." Blame usually doesn't work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It's like the game of hot potato--no one wants to get stuck with it.

 

[optimist prime]

This statement you made really got me...

"She assured me that nothing happened between them and she was thinking about me the whole time. I do believe her. I guess the guy couldn't have been too interesting. If he was I'm sure I'd be old hat".

First-you believe her? You believe her!?! WHY?? For all you know hes the one who blew her off and that is why she was so upset ok?

Secondly, dude wake up! Here you had a girl that you just spent a week with that was so great and shes out with another guy? So, she lied. And then she tells you that nothing happened?? Huh?? Why do you believe this girl? Trust me something happened or she wouldnt have been calling and crying like that if it was just some date with a "friend". Also, you said she called you the next morning correct? So if the date was so bad and she was thinking of you the whole time, why didnt she call you that night or better yet on the way home from the date? Even my ex fiance who did the same to me called me that same night after her "date". Plus she even turned her phone off during the date-Im sure because she knew what she was doing was wrong and didnt want to deal with you. Talk about disresepectful. If a girl i was dating did that to me i would kick her to the curb so fast her panties would fly off.

Ill tell you why she didnt call you that night. Because the ONLY thing that makes sense is this. She has BPD, she needed her needs filled. She goes out with the guy, maybe has sex with him since she didnt call you that night, he tells her in the morning that it wont be anything serious, and she goes screaming to you.

Do not believe a word this girl is telling you. She has just proven to be a huge liar. ANd you need to tread very very lightly here my friend.

When these type of situations come up i always try to reverse things and put myself in her shoes. So pretend that you had been the one on the date, turning off your phone, lieing, probably having sex, having your buddy lie for you, etc etc. Do you think she would have been so forgiving? I highly doubt it. And then to go on the date and then drive 3 hours to see you after? Thats just plain psycho my friend.

 

[GirlCrazy]

I'm also picking up mucho red flags from this story.

Really, there's nothing anyone can say that you don't already know.

You put away your DJ mindset and promptly started shooting yourself in the foot. Cause and effect. Now go back to that mindset and deal with your mistakes. It should be that simple.

When you finally put your DJ hat back on, you're not going to like what you see. Just think of it as a learning experience.