yep, I'm really f'd in the head now
- Thread starter 86
- Start date
"As for her stuff, when my last major ex dumped me, I had some of her sh*t at my place. I kept it for two months (honestly, I was hoping she might come round and we could 'talk' ..euurrghhhh..). Then after two months I figured she obviously didn't want it back and gave it to a charity shop."
See, that is why 86, who I think we all can agree here is in some serious need of help, MUST drop off her things. I'm not saying do it face to face, but at least get rid of it for his own sanity. As long as he knows that he is in control of her "stuff", he will hold out some convoluted fantasy that sooner or later she will come back for it, they can talk, and all will be right in the world again. Don't worry 86 we've all done something like this. But, right now you are teetering on the edge of total afc'dom and ready to tip over.... big time. What you need to do is elimiate all things that remind you in any way of her, and STOP thinking about her 24/7. That only makes things worse and you will soon become comfortable thinking about her, almost missing it when you don't, even though its painful. Learn from us young jedi.
See, that is why 86, who I think we all can agree here is in some serious need of help, MUST drop off her things. I'm not saying do it face to face, but at least get rid of it for his own sanity. As long as he knows that he is in control of her "stuff", he will hold out some convoluted fantasy that sooner or later she will come back for it, they can talk, and all will be right in the world again. Don't worry 86 we've all done something like this. But, right now you are teetering on the edge of total afc'dom and ready to tip over.... big time. What you need to do is elimiate all things that remind you in any way of her, and STOP thinking about her 24/7. That only makes things worse and you will soon become comfortable thinking about her, almost missing it when you don't, even though its painful. Learn from us young jedi.
I agree w/ echo wholeheartedly. The thing is, if this woman really DID leave him for this other guy ( and we really don't know that ) then I am willing to bet..money.. that she will never, ever, ever, ever ask for her stuff back ( unless its a house key ).
He can drop it off ( and he will, I'm predicting. ) and risk seeing her w/ this other guy. A very bad scene will then ensue. He can drop her off when she's not there, in which case he'll call her to 'make sure' she got it. He can tell a friend to drop it off, in which case he'll call to 'make sure' she got it.
Maybe the guy won't be there. Maybe they'll have a talk. She'll end up saying she still wants to be apart. He'll leave crushed.
The reason I say throw it away is that because, at this point, HE CARES MORE ABOUT HER STUFF THAN SHE DOES.
I don't think its 'selfish' or 'unDJ' to throw it away. It's probably the the way that's going to be easiest on him , in the long run. If he can get a friend of his to drop it off w/ a friend of hers, then that's cool too. I would just get rid of it though, one way or the other ASAP.
He can drop it off ( and he will, I'm predicting. ) and risk seeing her w/ this other guy. A very bad scene will then ensue. He can drop her off when she's not there, in which case he'll call her to 'make sure' she got it. He can tell a friend to drop it off, in which case he'll call to 'make sure' she got it.
Maybe the guy won't be there. Maybe they'll have a talk. She'll end up saying she still wants to be apart. He'll leave crushed.
The reason I say throw it away is that because, at this point, HE CARES MORE ABOUT HER STUFF THAN SHE DOES.
I don't think its 'selfish' or 'unDJ' to throw it away. It's probably the the way that's going to be easiest on him , in the long run. If he can get a friend of his to drop it off w/ a friend of hers, then that's cool too. I would just get rid of it though, one way or the other ASAP.
wow, I've created a monster. again, all good points guys. as of today, I have done NOTHING. no phone calls, and I still have her stuff. I will keep or (more likely) burn the card.
let me lay out some more facts, just so you guys aren't totally in the dark:
1) the guy she's moving in with does not 'work' with her per se, I believe that he is most likely an independent contractor too, just like her, so they probably met through networking. his story is that he's at a job about 150 miles away all during the week and only home on the weekends. that is all I know about him.
2) by moving in to his house, her rent goes from 650-700/month down to 250/month. she has told me that she won't have to work as often (duh) and so that means when she gets out of this current busy period, she will have more time for us, or so you would think.
3) the age issue - this may shed some light. she is 24, I am 29 and bit more settled. I assume the guy she is moving in with is either my age or older.
4) she has told me that even though she lives and breathes her industry, she could never be romantically involved with any of the men from the same line of work. in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that most of the guys I've met from this industry were raging-alcohol-fueled, lying pricks, and I know she agrees with me - she has to deal with them everday and I've heard her b!tch about these guys herself many times.
5) this ALL STARTED to go downhill about 2+ weeks ago. she had just gotten back from a brief out of town trip, so I gave her a day or two to chill out before I called her up (we were still bf/gf at this point). before she had left town, we made 'soft' plans to get together a day or 2 after she got back. so I call her in the evening and see about making plans either that night or the next. she tells me that she's taking the next day off to go to the lake with her friends and some people from the office/other office, etc.... she also can't do anything that night because she has to make jello-shots for the day at the lake. (wow those take forever to make
)
so I'm a little disappointed I can't see her and she can tell, so THEN she gets pissy with me saying "look, I've been real busy and haven't had a day off blah blah blah.." I tell her it's ok, I was just a little bummed we weren't going to hang out. continued in #6....
6) so we agree to try and make some plans a few days from then. we end the phone convo on a decent note. I'm saying good-bye and so does she, but SHE SAYS: "ok bye, 86, I love---(cuts herself off mid-sentence) no I don't wanna say that.....bye."
7) 2 days after that phone convo, she leaves me voice mail saying, "i feel so bad, my life's gotten way too busy to have a relationship right now, maybe when things calm down i'll have time... sorry, i hate that i've gotten so busy, but i gotta do this right now and figure out whats going on with me first...blah blah"
so those are the facts.
anyway, guys, again - I'm seeing the light, slowly but surely. I've taken no actions yet, neither has she (no big surprise).
thanks guys, I'll try not to go all mushy on ya.
let me lay out some more facts, just so you guys aren't totally in the dark:
1) the guy she's moving in with does not 'work' with her per se, I believe that he is most likely an independent contractor too, just like her, so they probably met through networking. his story is that he's at a job about 150 miles away all during the week and only home on the weekends. that is all I know about him.
2) by moving in to his house, her rent goes from 650-700/month down to 250/month. she has told me that she won't have to work as often (duh) and so that means when she gets out of this current busy period, she will have more time for us, or so you would think.
3) the age issue - this may shed some light. she is 24, I am 29 and bit more settled. I assume the guy she is moving in with is either my age or older.
4) she has told me that even though she lives and breathes her industry, she could never be romantically involved with any of the men from the same line of work. in one of my earlier posts I mentioned that most of the guys I've met from this industry were raging-alcohol-fueled, lying pricks, and I know she agrees with me - she has to deal with them everday and I've heard her b!tch about these guys herself many times.
5) this ALL STARTED to go downhill about 2+ weeks ago. she had just gotten back from a brief out of town trip, so I gave her a day or two to chill out before I called her up (we were still bf/gf at this point). before she had left town, we made 'soft' plans to get together a day or 2 after she got back. so I call her in the evening and see about making plans either that night or the next. she tells me that she's taking the next day off to go to the lake with her friends and some people from the office/other office, etc.... she also can't do anything that night because she has to make jello-shots for the day at the lake. (wow those take forever to make
)so I'm a little disappointed I can't see her and she can tell, so THEN she gets pissy with me saying "look, I've been real busy and haven't had a day off blah blah blah.." I tell her it's ok, I was just a little bummed we weren't going to hang out. continued in #6....
6) so we agree to try and make some plans a few days from then. we end the phone convo on a decent note. I'm saying good-bye and so does she, but SHE SAYS: "ok bye, 86, I love---(cuts herself off mid-sentence) no I don't wanna say that.....bye."
7) 2 days after that phone convo, she leaves me voice mail saying, "i feel so bad, my life's gotten way too busy to have a relationship right now, maybe when things calm down i'll have time... sorry, i hate that i've gotten so busy, but i gotta do this right now and figure out whats going on with me first...blah blah"
so those are the facts.
anyway, guys, again - I'm seeing the light, slowly but surely. I've taken no actions yet, neither has she (no big surprise).
thanks guys, I'll try not to go all mushy on ya.
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Thanks for the update! Maybe we jumped the gun a little..
and then again....
What 'industry' are you talking about? Law? Computers? Acting?
Athletics? 'Cause as far as I know, there are a$$holes everywhere you look!
OK..first of all..what guy rents, buys, owns, a house 150 miles from his job? What's up w/ that? Why not just get a place closer to work? Why the 150 mile, weekly commute?
Surely there are no OTHER places your girlfriend could rent? This guys place ( that she knows indirectly ) is the ONLY place she could find? Why couldn't she stay w/ you? Your her boyfriend after all.
She started getting 'pissy' after she arrived from out of town? Hmmm..And then..she doesn't want to see you but wants to go to the lake w/ people from work? Are you invited? No one from work is allowed to bring their signifigant other? Hmmm..
Has she ever said she loved you before..and now she's NOT? Hmmmm...
She too busy for a relationship, but not too busy for fukking jello shots?? Like you couldn't come over and help her? It's a one-person, exclusive job? Riiiiiiiiiight.
There is another man in the mix somewhere. It may OR may not be the dude she's moving in w/, but there is another man.
and then again....
What 'industry' are you talking about? Law? Computers? Acting?
Athletics? 'Cause as far as I know, there are a$$holes everywhere you look!
OK..first of all..what guy rents, buys, owns, a house 150 miles from his job? What's up w/ that? Why not just get a place closer to work? Why the 150 mile, weekly commute?
Surely there are no OTHER places your girlfriend could rent? This guys place ( that she knows indirectly ) is the ONLY place she could find? Why couldn't she stay w/ you? Your her boyfriend after all.
She started getting 'pissy' after she arrived from out of town? Hmmm..And then..she doesn't want to see you but wants to go to the lake w/ people from work? Are you invited? No one from work is allowed to bring their signifigant other? Hmmm..
Has she ever said she loved you before..and now she's NOT? Hmmmm...
She too busy for a relationship, but not too busy for fukking jello shots?? Like you couldn't come over and help her? It's a one-person, exclusive job? Riiiiiiiiiight.
There is another man in the mix somewhere. It may OR may not be the dude she's moving in w/, but there is another man.
Oscar Wilde
Master Don Juan
Sounds like she could be a decent girl who's telling the plain honest truth (and not banging some other mofo in the bg).
Still gotta play it the same way though. The only diff being that you may decide to take her back all else being equal. But make sure you ask her straight out if she was with other guys if it ever comes to this.
Oscar.
Still gotta play it the same way though. The only diff being that you may decide to take her back all else being equal. But make sure you ask her straight out if she was with other guys if it ever comes to this.
Oscar.
Couple of questions. Does she normally say I love you when she hangs up the phone? The place she was out of town at before she started to get distant....was it a work related thing or all friends? Just wondering if she met someone there. And was it at all related to going to the lake with friends when she got home? Possibly the guy she met a couple days before was going to be at the lake? Does she normally invite you to such things? Find it funny that this started to happen when she was away, you made plans, she went to the lake, then she came home and broke up with you. I hope that she didnt cheat on you up north..that would be a total deal breaker, then your free to vent your anger.
My two cents....She IS interested in someone else, of that I have no doubt. I'm not saying that shes seeing him yet or doing him, but they have met and there are some sparks. I highly highly doubt that the guys place she is moving into is that guy. Pretty hard to believe she would go from a LTR to moving in with a guy she barely knows just that quick. I think shes doing that to save money and to also put some distance between you two. Kind of a backwards way of moving on.
I will say, the way she left you....a voice message breaking up with you..... is extremely pathetic. She doesn't have the guts and common decnecy to at least sit down with you and have a face to face? Sounds like she is not worth holding on to 86. YOur best bet is to do what I said and I can almost gaurantee after reading everything that she will come crawling back within a month or two. But you must ignore her, not contact, return her stuff, and act like a calm collected gentleman if you happen to run into her. But no drama!!! Then you CAN DUMP her lol.
My two cents....She IS interested in someone else, of that I have no doubt. I'm not saying that shes seeing him yet or doing him, but they have met and there are some sparks. I highly highly doubt that the guys place she is moving into is that guy. Pretty hard to believe she would go from a LTR to moving in with a guy she barely knows just that quick. I think shes doing that to save money and to also put some distance between you two. Kind of a backwards way of moving on.
I will say, the way she left you....a voice message breaking up with you..... is extremely pathetic. She doesn't have the guts and common decnecy to at least sit down with you and have a face to face? Sounds like she is not worth holding on to 86. YOur best bet is to do what I said and I can almost gaurantee after reading everything that she will come crawling back within a month or two. But you must ignore her, not contact, return her stuff, and act like a calm collected gentleman if you happen to run into her. But no drama!!! Then you CAN DUMP her lol.
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Oscar Wilde
Master Don Juan
After redecorating her face of course
A nice creamy shade...
yeah, sounds fukking stupid to me too, but this guys a contract worker too, and apparently it's only for a few months total or is seasonal.
no. we've never said that EVER to each other. to me, it sounded a like a natural reflex, like when you say 'I love you' to your mom or dad after talking to them long distance. as for your other questions, she was out of town on a job....also, she's invited me plenty of times to hang out w/ her friends/co-workers etc. I haven't always gone with them, but I've been out with them enough so that they know for a fact that there was a relationship going on.
hope that helps. thanks guys.
as I said, I'm almost 99% sure that's a correct statement. I mean, I know her well enough (at least I think) so there's probably not 'another guy' in the picture. she's just too much of a lame-ass to figure out how to juggle her career and love life.
anyhoo, the ball is in her court.....I'm incognito now. the clothes and crap will go in the attic or somewhere out of sight. while there is still a small shred of hope within me, SHE is definitely the one who has to prove herself worthy of ME and perform some major damage control if she thinks we can just pick things up right where we left them.
I think I'm closer to total redemption.
Business trips are well known for infidelity. Most women will cheat on these, almost out of instinct.
It looks like she met this guy, they really started to hit it off, and right now, he's doing to her what she's doing to you so she's making sure you're the spare. Girls don't just move in with guys they just meet out of convenience. Unless she's a fully functional power dyke she will likely cheat on you if she hasn't already.
Given the situation, I'm pretty sure she would call you because as far as she knows, you two are only taking time away from each other. Either way she should have to sell a kidney before you take her back. She's heartless and you don't need a heartless women.
JustDoItAlways
Master Don Juan
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Crappy situation, 86. Six months, things going reasonable well and then it comes crashing to a halt. I'm guessing that this has actually been building for quite a while though.
A really good old saying is "After a while, a guy knows when he is wasting his time." In my experience, however, guys don't come to this conclusion as soon as they should.
Two weeks with no sex is a waste of time situation to me.
It's time to just move on. Just blow her off with an excuse the next time she calls.
But what will likely happen after you do that is you will reintroduce what I think is missing in this situation. In effect, your mistake which originally lead to her pull-back.
There was no challenge (as in Doc Love's challenge.) She does not "fear" losing you, she thinks you will always be there for her on her "once every two weeks" free time.
I've always believed that the chick should fear losing you at any time or, more accurately, should always have that little nagging doubt that if she isn't always on her best behavor, you will walk or find some other girl. This is why challenge, social proof and jealousy works so well on girls. It keeps them in line and feeling lucky.
When she does realize that you are pulling the plug, she will be initially shocked and maybe do whatever she can to try to win you back. Either that or she will be relieved and move on herself.
But, in this case, it's a losing cause. You ARE wasting your time. Be the guy who reaches that conclusion at the right time.
A really good old saying is "After a while, a guy knows when he is wasting his time." In my experience, however, guys don't come to this conclusion as soon as they should.
Two weeks with no sex is a waste of time situation to me.
It's time to just move on. Just blow her off with an excuse the next time she calls.
But what will likely happen after you do that is you will reintroduce what I think is missing in this situation. In effect, your mistake which originally lead to her pull-back.
There was no challenge (as in Doc Love's challenge.) She does not "fear" losing you, she thinks you will always be there for her on her "once every two weeks" free time.
I've always believed that the chick should fear losing you at any time or, more accurately, should always have that little nagging doubt that if she isn't always on her best behavor, you will walk or find some other girl. This is why challenge, social proof and jealousy works so well on girls. It keeps them in line and feeling lucky.
When she does realize that you are pulling the plug, she will be initially shocked and maybe do whatever she can to try to win you back. Either that or she will be relieved and move on herself.
But, in this case, it's a losing cause. You ARE wasting your time. Be the guy who reaches that conclusion at the right time.
Well, here's what leapt out at me:
NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME OF YOU GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HER
No matter how much you think you might be able to qualify her and get her to be how you want her to be with you, it won't work. She won't respect you for taking her back no matter how tough you think you're being with her. You'd be setting yourself up for exactly the same thing to happen again.
bp1974
She may b*tch about them all the time, but she CHOSE to get a career in an industry where she'd be surrounded by these types, and she is CHOOSING to stay there. Again - look at her actions, not her words. She obviously feels at home in some way that she may not be aware of around these people, or she'd have left the industry and found something else to do.
Oh man, this is horrible. Something DEFINITELY happened when she was out of town. Maybe not full on sex, but something, definitely. Perhaps she met someone who intrigues her, and she flirted with him. Who knows. Maybe not even involving another guy, maybe she just had time to think about things, but I'll bet it was some guy that was the catalyst. It doesn't matter - either way, something CHANGED for her on this trip, and straight away when she gets back, she cancels on you with a BS excuse, then gets p*ssed off with you like it's your fault. She doesn't want to see you, and she's feeling guilty about it at this point, that's why she got annoyed with you on the phone.
You know this already, but ******** translation = it's over. Sorry dude.
I know it's impossible to get rid of the tiny little hope, but tattoo this on your forehead backwards, so you see it every time you look in the mirror:
NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME OF YOU GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH HER
No matter how much you think you might be able to qualify her and get her to be how you want her to be with you, it won't work. She won't respect you for taking her back no matter how tough you think you're being with her. You'd be setting yourself up for exactly the same thing to happen again.
bp1974
TesuqueRed
Master Don Juan
I agree with Echo and BP's take on this. The bit about it all started about 2 weeks ago after a business trip leapt out at me and nearly everyone else here. Something happened.
Also, her positions add up but don't add up. Confusion. It's there for a reason.
Eject. (that means next, but the focus is on your own health here..)
Also, her positions add up but don't add up. Confusion. It's there for a reason.
Eject. (that means next, but the focus is on your own health here..)