yep, I'm really f'd in the head now

[8ball]

Listen to what Echo says...

this 'ultimatum' thing is probably the WORST thing you can do.

In fact..just like Echo says..getting out of this situation is counter-intuitive..it's like quicksand..the more you move around, the deeper you are going to sink. Whatever you have the urge to do: DO THE OPPOSITE!!

You wanna call her.
You wanna 'sit down and talk'
You wanna just 'see her one more time to straighten things out'.
You wanna give her a note and tell her your feelings..then she'll understand.

You NEED to relax. Chill. DISAPPEAR. Not tomorrow. Not after one more conversation. NOT after this last note.

Now. Gone.

Listen to the guys who have been through this. This is advice that comes from years of hard earned and very painful experience.

 

[JohnJones]

You referenced my thread further up in yours, so I will bring my experience from that same person here.

That same girl -- who is great, but not perfect -- once said to me (a variation on the old line) "the only bad attention is no attention."

If you cause drama (as with an ultimatum) for a woman, she can and will still take that as attention: you are focused on her, it is all about her, etc. What does she have to lose by just keeping you on a string? She won't be doing it meanly (as none of us do, really), you just aren't her main event (possibly). That's not her fault, its just the way it is.

The ONLY way to make this happen is to pull back and if she rushes forward (which she may do just to see if the game is up) let her know that (1) she seemed busy and its no big deal for you to make space and (2) you still have some time for her if it fits into your life.

 

[86]

ok ok, I'm thinking clearly now. breathe in/breathe out.

it's just sometimes I loose my cool and let my emotions get the best of me.

JohnJones, I like that quote "the only bad attention is no attention." helps hammer things into perspective.

damn. it's like I have to learn to become a man all over again.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

NEVER give ultimatums

They are always counter-productive.

Now that piece of advice (from my experience) is done, lets look at the sitrep here.

- she's put you on a lower priority in her life than you're willing to accept
- she's treated you like sh!t when you went out to meet her (immediate NEXT to a lot of guys here)
- she's given you the "I need some space" talk -- RED FLAG NEXT all over
- she's moving in with some guy who she knows through work: not necessarily a red flag in itself, but with all the above, definitely

Man, she is treating you like sh!t. Don't take it. Be sauve, calm, cool. Drop her stuff off like the boys said. Don't be available for her. Be busy with other women. Protect your heart. And most importantly, do not ignore the advice you've been given on here, it's truth.

Oscar.

 

[8ball]

This 'moving in w/ another guy' thing doesn't sit right w/ me either.

In fact, it's BULLSH1T.

I've had women pull this on me to, only to find out later that they've been fukking them the whole time.

I hate to be the one to say it, but she's into this guy from work and she's moving in w/ him.

Like Oscar said..look at the sitrep..look at the facts..play the 'if she really liked me game'..

if she really liked you would she do A? B? C? D? etc...

I submit to you that she would not.

I feel for you bro, it's staring you in the face but you don't wanna see it. It's the worst. Hang in there.

 

[86]

please fill me in on what 'sitrep' means..

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by 86
please fill me in on what 'sitrep' means..

Soz, didn't realise you wouldn't grok the milspeak...

Means "situation report"

Err.

That's what you get for asking advice from geeks

 

[86]

heh, thanks, I figured there would be some new lingo to learn after I took extended leave from these boards...

 

[Ronin I]

Man - I really feel for you. I've been through this situation twice in my life and both times I handled it the wrong way and both times it ended the same way. (with me eventually getting the heave-ho and with the girl already fukking some other dude.)

I know this sh!t hurts right now and all that you want to do is make sense of it but trust me - it's a waste of effort.

There is some great advice on this thread and you should follow it - there are WAAAYYY to many red flags to ignore and you really should just treat the relationship as if it's over.

You can try to go ganji on her (completely cut contact - no phone, no email, nothing) and if she comes to you begging to have you back in her life then MAYBE, you will consider it - but it will be on YOUR terms at that point.

To me is sounds like she is trying to Friendzone you (probably already has in her mind). No intimacy = no relationship as far as I'm concerned.

You can do like I have in the past - argue, demand an explanation, obsess about it - wonder if she's banging the guy from work, wonder what you might have done wrong, wonder if she's telling the truth about anything, wonder how you can make things how they were, etc, etc, etc.

DON"T!!!

Judge her actions dammit! Her actions are telling you she doesn't want to be with you anymore. The reasons are irrelevant at this point. (and truth is knowing the REAL reasons will likely cause you even more pain).

Take a few deep breaths and promise yourself you will just let go. Think of this as a test of your manhood and a measure of your self-respect.

 

[86]

Originally posted by Ronin I
No intimacy = no relationship as far as I'm concerned.

another awesome post.

this is exactly how I'm seeing things too.

but now I want her to know this too. I'm not saying I want to dis her or tell her off, just calmly tell her this and that she blew it. you know, have the last word and all...

 

[echo1212]

Have the last word? What are you some prissy little girl? YOur a man!!! Start acting like one damnit!!!!!!! You dont need the last word-you are the prized one here-waiting until you find a girl worthy of your time. Show some self respect and leave this girl alone, and in time you will in her eyes start to gain more respect-which right now she has none of for you.

I'm sorry to be so cruel over this, but your just not getting it. Leave her the **** alone and mayyyyyyyyyyybhbbbbbeeeeee you have a slight chance, you go in for the last word ultimatum thing and say saianara to this chickie.

 

[Quick]

Originally posted by 86
another awesome post.

this is exactly how I'm seeing things too.

but now I want her to know this too. I'm not saying I want to dis her or tell her off, just calmly tell her this and that she blew it. you know, have the last word and all...

Apparently you're one of those people who only learns from experience. We've already explained in a dozen ways how you make a much bigger impact by not contacting her again. But, you're still hoping you're going to get her to come begging back to you by telling her off or giving her an ultimatum.

Oh, well. Follow through on your plan. You'll get your feelings hurt and won't get any satisfaction out of the deal. But at least you'll know that what 20 guys just unanimously told you is the truth. When she officially breaks up with you at least you'll finally be forced to move on with your life since you won't or can't do it on your own. Next time you'll know for sure that this isn't the right path to take.

 

[86]

ok guys, chill, it's just taking me a bit longer to get this sh!t sorted out in my head because this was a longer-than-average relationship for me, and this whole deal has kind of thrown me off my game, I'm only human.

ALL of the advice you guys have posted has NOT been in vain! I really appreciate everyones input, and without this outlet, things would've already declined into a situation that we all wouldn't want to happen. I've pretty much read everyone's replies nearly a hundred times and trust me, it is sinking in.

so my plan is to not contact her, etc. and I am sticking to it. things will probably not change for the better, (damn this stupid shred of hope within me) so I'll get around to dropping off her stuff whenever *I* get around to it.

if you guys want me to keep you updated on how things turn out, let me know, it's the least I could do.

 

[JohnJones]

You should do an update to let us know of any results, good, bad or otherwise.

 

[echo1212]

Yes, good for you. You have made the correct decision. However, a couple of points, as soon as you give up hope for her, is the time she will call you. Girls can sense it, dont ask me how. Secondly, by not dropping off her things is a sign to me that you still hold out hope, but you must realize that by dropping off her things will make her realize that you are not sitting around waiting for her which will only cement in her mind whether she wants to be with you or not and that is the true aim of all of this. Though for the life of me I dont know why you still want to be with this girl, but weve all been through it so I understand somewhat. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[PlayerinTraining]

Originally posted by 86
so anyway... my point is, don't you think that it's a little selfish to try and place me over somebody's career? or in simpler words, demand that someone's way of earning a living/income take a back seat to a relationship?

Really, what is it you are asking her to do? You aren't asking her to decline a job she really wants to take. You aren't even asking her to make you her #1 priority in her life. All it seems to me is that you want to be AN important priority--at leasted tied for first with work. I don't see why she cannot balance a relationship with work. So, I don't think it is selfish to expect she take her relationship to you seriously.

Her frame--work OR the relationship, is a false dilemma, if you ask me.

It's an American girl's desire to have a career, AND a relationship. Her logic for not wanting to see you doesn't make sense. I'd expect a woman who was interested in you would want you to help her, and support her as she makes these changes.

She has other reasons for doing what she is doing. You have no need to understand them. Even if you did know them, it probably wouldn't change anything. The bottom line is she wants distance from you.

Now, I'd give her a bit of credit--she isn't stringing you along, pretending she is attracted to you so she can get help from you with the move. She could have done that, and after you wasted time helping her, then she could have dumped you.

I don't agree with your ultimatum idea. You must make it clear to her IF SHE DOES INITIATE CONTACT, that you won't wait for her to make up her mind, and have basically assumed the relationship is finished, meaning you have no obligation to help her with anything. If she doesn't call you, then you have an answer.

You ONLY tell her you are through with her if it looks like she is trying hold out hope of getting back together in order to get something out of you. Otherwise, remain friendly and casual with her, but make it appear obvious that she will have to do A LOT of work if she wants to earn your trust again.

 

[ShortyBrown]

Originally posted by violator It sounds to me like a sophisticated variation of "I need space".

She is throwing you alot of chaff in order to disguise the fact that she wants to see what is out there. Or perhaps, even worse, she has already trained her sights on another prospect and is laying the ground work for her eventual departure. Remember, women are cowards. Few have the guts to directly tell you that they want out let alone tell you the reason why.

The advise to walk away and let her have her space is sound. Trying to extract answers from her at this point is futile because she will never tell you the real reason why she is pulling this stunt at the last minute.

With all due respect Shorty, this is a forum about what WOMEN do AND this particular thread is geared towards the behavior of this particular woman needing space.

This is a generalisation. This poster is doing the same thing that you have accused me of.

It does look like this gal has lined up her next target. NEXT HER. She's a ho and she ain't worth your precious time. If she has such little self worth to go off with a loser than to keep the wonderful man she has, then she is NOT WORTH IT.

 

[Gipper]

Originally posted by squirrels
No, just walk. Never run. Running is an act of fear. Walking away is an act of courage and control.

Whatever. It was meant figuratively, not literally. The point is to distance yourself from this chick. She's bad news.

"Don't Take Me So Seriously" Gipper

 

[Gipper]

Re: I also echo echo's advice

Originally posted by Bonhomme
And 8Ball, JJ, & Quick.

You drop her. Don't answer her calls. Leave her stuff on the doorstep.

Find 10 other women, and if she comes begging, she may be good for a booty call, if you can stomach it.

You deserve better.

Beautiful. I'm glad someone's got the right idea.

Gipper

 

[TesuqueRed]

Damn! This whole post was a delight to read. That part about "the only bad attention is no attention" was something so clear that I couldn't find the words to say going on 2 years here--

vote 1 for archive material.