yep, I'm really f'd in the head now

[Fadero]

I think she's definitely f**king the guy who she's moving in with. What kind of girlfriend moves in with another guy at his house? That is sooooooooooo disrespectful in itself. He's only there on the weekends? What, they can't possibly have sex on the weekends, but only on the weekdays?

Oh man!! You give her too much credit.

What is the update on your situation so far?

 

[Fadero]

Oh, and ultimatums can be the biggest backfire on you, especially if you aren't strong enough to uphold them -- which obviously you are not.

I highly suggest avoiding it, because it will definitely sink you at Titanic level as the biggest chump of all. Your validity and respect as a male will be shot if you cave on your ultimatum and she will never ever believe you when you put your foot down to things. Do not make this mistake.

Better to just ignore her and cut her off til she realizes the loss. If she doesn't, then you at least know how much you meant to her.

 

[86]

Originally posted by Fadero

What is the update on your situation so far?

haven't heard one peep out of her yet. I give it a week or so before I 'deposit' her things on her doorstep (along with this really sentimental card she gave ME a while back).

 

[Legend]

this thread has a lot of really good shyt. Reminds me of the advice most of you guys gave me when the girl i was with started the same shyt.

I walked away and never looked back...you should do the same 86.

Hell man she calls me and i never even return her calls. Who would of guessed? The guy that use to love talking her, the guy that use to love calling, no longer wants anything to do with her.

Its funny when you are given some time on your own... your feelings could change so fast. Sure i think about her sometimes when i am weak.....every time i went to pick up that phone to call her, i said...call her? This biotch does'nt deserve to talk to me.

Time heals everything....and when schoool starts again she will realize what she lost. I will ignore her because i dont want other chicks thinking i am still with her.

 

[8ball]

haven't heard one peep out of her yet. I give it a week or so before I 'deposit' her things on her doorstep (along with this really sentimental card she gave ME a while back).

Giving her things back ( esp. the card ) is NOT the way to go. No contact whatsoever.

Also..it's not going to be a week before she starts calling you..it will be at least a couple of months..maybe as long as a year.

But she WILL call if you cut off contact.

(My ex-financee left me for another man, moved in w/ him and it nearly killed me. I called her, wrote her letters, went to see her at work, cried, and generally acted like a wuss. Then, exhausted, I gave up and quit trying to call her.

3 years later, she calls me says she made a mistake, and wanted to see me again.

So we went to Atlantic City, I fukked her all weekend, and then said I never wanted to see her again. )

As far as her things are concerned..trash them. Don't give them back..don't 'deposit' them anywhere except the local dump.

Then..get on w/ your life and wait it out. She'll pop back on the radar eventually.

And the funny thing is, when she does..you'll have grown wiser and stronger and you'll realize that she wasn't that great to begin with.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Originally posted by 8ball
My ex-financee left me for another man

3 years later, she calls me says she made a mistake, and wanted to see me again.

So we went to Atlantic City, I fukked her all weekend, and then said I never wanted to see her again.

Played man, that's the way to do it.

I don't agree w/ dumping her stuff though, that's unnecessary right now - maybe in a month or so.

86 - this idea of yours about the card - can't you see that you're subconsiously trying to get the last word in again? That's pure wuss behaviour - don't do that.

Yeah, drop the sh!t off if you feel like (when she aint there, or to her parents/friends) but don't give back the card and all that sh!t, that's BS.

 

[echo1212]

Don't give back the card. All your doing there is trying to show her what she is doing by leaving you and how she will miss all of the "great" times u2 both had together. Your trying to play the sentimental card there and it doesn't work, at least not while she wants nothing to do with you. Actually, the more you do this the less respect she'll have for you. As for her things? Yes, drop them off. Your relationship isn't yet at a point of hate and anger, and if you throw them away you'll just be showing her how much this has really affected you. Dropping them off shows your the bigger man and your not overly woried about anything to do with her. If it were the opposite and you dumped her and then she threw your things away, all you would be thinking is what a psyhcotic beeootch she is. Your better than that.

 

[8ball]

As for her things? Yes, drop them off.

Ugh! No...that WON'T help. He has to be perceived has not caring or thinking about her in the slightest.

When he drops her clothes off she is going to think:'Well he had to take the time to get them together, come all the way down here, etc etc..he must be thinking about me.'

Then, she's going to turn to her new man Muscles the Millionaire and say, 'Look what 86 did, that pathetic man! He gave me my stuff back..all folded and everything. Now ball me big boy!'

I say: You give her her stuff back when she asks for it back and not a second before. To her, her things are a non-issue and she has probably already written them off just like she has written you off. You are clinging to this because it's the only excuse you have, really, to contact her.

That's why I say throw all of the stuff out and wash your hands clean of this woman. She'll come back eventually, but you cannot initiate any contact.

You have to play it this way. Any contact you initiate drives her farther from you and closer to 'him'.

 

[Ronin I]

I think throwing her stuff out is a petty, unDJ thing to do.

How about this - just gather them together in a hefty trash bag and keep them in the back of the closet until she decides she wants to come and pick them up.

When he drops her clothes off she is going to think:'Well he had to take the time to get them together, come all the way down here, etc etc..he must be thinking about me.'

I'm not sure about this - I mean if I had somebody's stuff all over my house and was cleaning up I'd pick up all of their crap and put in a bag and return it to them.

The problem with not returning her stuff is it gives her an excuse to contact you - and whether you realize or not at this point - you don't want that. I vote that it's best to just give her her stuff back and move on.

Oh - don't give back the card though! Echo is right on that one - makes you come off as spiteful (and while you have every right to be - you are a man and will deal with this situation as a man and not some spiteful little b!tch).

 

[echo1212]

Wrong, wrong, and wrong again. By keeping her stuff, he keeps hope alive that it will keep a connection between them and force some sort of contact sooner or later. He needs to eliminate all hope. Plus, by dropping the things off, not personally but with a friend or at her front dooor with a note, she sees that he is moving on with his life and has accepted the breakup like a man, a DJ. No hard feelings, no bad words, just a breakup that he is now moving on with. If he wants her back, and thats a big if, that would do alot towards telling her that hes not just sitting around waiting for her to get ahold of him.

 

[bp1974]

I agree about not giving her the card back.

I think it's one of two things. Either, as has already been said, you're saying the "look at the great times you're throwing away", or you're saying the sarcastic "I guess none of it meant anything, huh beeotch..".

Either way, it's an attempt to get to her, and it'll show her that you're still brooding about it all. Which of course you are, that's natural, but the point is for your own respect, she doesn't need to know.

As for her stuff, when my last major ex dumped me, I had some of her sh*t at my place. I kept it for two months (honestly, I was hoping she might come round and we could 'talk' ..euurrghhhh..). Then after two months I figured she obviously didn't want it back and gave it to a charity shop.

Do what you want to do. If you want shot of it, drop it off at her place when you know she won't be in. Short note "Here's your stuff, nice knowing you. Bye." Gets it over and done with, no attempt made to talk to her, gets her properly out of your life. Yeah, I say do it. This is the way to go.

bp1974

 

[8ball]

Ok..throwing the stuff out may be extreme ; I'll concede that.

I'm saying that if she wanted it that bad and that if it was important to her, she would have asked for it already.

I agree w/ Ronin, throw it in a trash bag and then throw the bag into some corner of the garage or storage shed and forget about it.

Don't bring it to her though. Make her ask for it, and make her pick it up.

 

[Ronin I]

Changed my mind a bit...

Originally posted by echo1212
Wrong, wrong, and wrong again. By keeping her stuff, he keeps hope alive that it will keep a connection between them and force some sort of contact sooner or later. He needs to eliminate all hope. Plus, by dropping the things off, not personally but with a friend or at her front dooor with a note, she sees that he is moving on with his life and has accepted the breakup like a man, a DJ. No hard feelings, no bad words, just a breakup that he is now moving on with. If he wants her back, and thats a big if, that would do alot towards telling her that hes not just sitting around waiting for her to get ahold of him.

I definitely agree. It is more important to show her you are moving on (and to ACTUALLY move on) than it is to concern yourself over whether or not gathering up her crap and dropping it off to her shows that you were "thinking" about her.

This is basically what I was trying to say in that you don't want to give her an excuse to contact you because that is just going to make it harder for you to move on.

Remember people (women) are very selfish - she doesn't want to be with you anymore but she does want you to want to be with her.

You need to start taking steps to let go and move on - this means giving her her stuff back.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

I agree with echo, bp & Ronin. Don't follow 8balls advice - throwing the stuff out immediately is not cool at all.

 

[echo1212]

But 8ball, all that does is keep some sort of faint flicker alive that she will sooner or later come for her stuff and it will force them to "talk". If he throws it in the corner of the garage, lets face it, hes not gonna forget about it. Every time he goes in there he'll be staring at it, and then he think of her, and then the whole grieving process will begin again. He needs to eliminate all things that are her, and then he eliminates hope of getting back with her. Plus, this works two ways. One, it will help him to get over her, and then and don't ask me how girls know this, she'll sense that he is over her and would then have a good chance of coming back to him, and then its up to him to decide whether he wants that.

 

[8ball]

I dunno why these guys have this noble streak about her 'stuff'.

She dumped him. She's moving in w/ another man. She's doing this other guy.

And they are worried about a couple of pairs of shorts and a toothbrush!

Screw that! I'm not sitting on the fence on this anymore. Gather her things, and throw them in the dipsy dumpster without further ado or ceremony.

Damn..what's all this tip-toe around and play nicey nice?

 

[bp1974]

I dunno why these guys have this noble streak about her 'stuff'.

She dumped him. She's moving in w/ another man. She's doing this other guy.

And they are worried about a couple of pairs of shorts and a toothbrush!

Screw that! I'm not sitting on the fence on this anymore. Gather her things, and throw them in the dipsy dumpster without further ado or ceremony.

Damn..what's all this tip-toe around and play nicey nice?

No, dude, it's not about playing nice at all. It's not about caring that she gets her stuff back all nice and folded, or being noble. It's about taking action to remove her and her sh*t from your life. It's about putting in a little effort to make everything final.

Throwing it all way is lowclass and angry, giving it back to her is tying up the last loose end.

I say give it back.

bp1974

 

[echo1212]

Mainly because as far as we know and until we have proof otherwise, she broke up with him in a fairly decent way, I mean she didn't get into name calling and hating etc. So far as we know things are civil between them. Plus, while she very may well be doing this other guy, nobody knows that. As far as 86 knows she is moving in there because its a coworker and its a cheaper place. You have to understand, 86's whole premise to this post was to to get her back, or at least look like a man in her eyes and come off looking like the better person. If she had blantantly cheated or left him for another guy, sure, throw the stuff away. But we dont know any of that happened. By giving the stuff back and out of her life, his healing process can begin and also look like a true man in her eyes.

 

[8ball]

By giving the stuff back and out of her life, his healing process can begin and also look like a true man in her eyes.

At this point, he shouldn't be worried about how he looks in her eyes. He shouldn't be trying to convey any messages, project any images, show her he's moving on..NOTHING.

He should be the invisible man. Missing in action. Poof! Casper. Nobody from nowhere walking between rain drops. Off the radar.

Sending signals, messages of any sort during this stage is wrong.

And it IS a stage. She left him for this other man, no question in my mind. She deceived him w/ this work story, made up some sort of cover, probably LIED to him about how often he was there ( weekends ) to sugar coat it..etc. Bottom line: she's left him and 86 needs damage control.

Of course, I could be wrong. I'm acting upon the assumption that she's pretty much left him for this other guy.

 

[Quick]

Personally, I think 86 is going to screw this up regardless. Every time I think he's taking our advice to heart, he comes up with some dumb sh!t like giving her back a sentimental card that she left him. If I knew you in person, 86, I'd lock you in my basement for a month and make you memorize all 5 pages of this thread word for word, forwards and backwards.

NO MORE ATTEMPTS TO WIN HER BACK. NO APPEALING TO HER SYMPATHY. NO GIVING HER ULTIMATUMS. NO PATHETIC "BUT YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS LOVE ME" SPEECHES OR REMINDERS. DO NOT SAY ONE WORD TO HER. YOU WILL BE WORKING AGAINST WHATEVER YOU TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH.

It's an interesting debate as to whether to leave the stuff in your garage or drop them off at her doorstep. Definitely, do not throw them away. That's a selfish, emotional act, and you're bigger than that. As a DJ, you're in control of your emotions. In light of the fact that 86 can't control his attempts to try to convince her to come back, I think that packing everything in a trash bag and sitting it in a closet is the best idea. He's not ready to face her right now. He'll never convince her that he moved on, his desperation will be written all over him. If she wants the stuff, she can ask for it and come get it. After a couple of months, then it can go in the trash.