Wife goes to Club/Bar

[DJ_Traveler]

To Mr.Me,

The original story from my wife at the beginning of the of this was mixed with lies. She said she went with "jane" a class mate, but that wasn't true. She later admited that she went with Josh.

As for the phone calls, Josh called her around 9:07 but also at 11pm while at the club that same night. I can only assume that my wife was somewhere in the club.

To ZenGodMod,
I do love my wife unconditionaly, and I have been supporting her through her ups and downs, but cheating....
I am very black and white when it comes to cheating. I rather lose everything in nasty divorce than be in a marriage with an unfaithful wife. I can't control what other do, but I can do my best to stay strong and stay true to what I believe in.

 

[STR8UP]

I completely agree with Latinoman that NOTHING should trigger that kind of behavior to just go with another guy NOTHING.

I found out today that she had to go to the guy's place anyway because while she was calling at 9:10pm she was on her way to his place. They drove together to the Club because she knew she was going to drink. Of course, you guys know the rest of her story, she got back to his place around 3pm and she got in her car and left around 4:41.
I don't know where the guy lives exactly but it's about 2 miles from where I live and the club they went to is about 25 minutes away.

I will keep a log book for sure.

Premiditated...STRIKE 4

I have more to say about this and it isn't just "I told you so".

I'll be back when I get more time....

 

[Nighthawk]

DJ_Traveler, what say you to the suggestion that your wife instigated the argument so she would have an excuse to do what was already planned?

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Latinoman and STR8 have been right so far about the red flags.


More and more this is turning into something more than "Oh she's just stressed! She wouldn't cheat". The more the truth comes out, the more we're finding out she's hiding something nuclear.

 

[cordoncordon]

Latinoman and STR8 have been right so far about the red flags.


More and more this is turning into something more than "Oh she's just stressed! She wouldn't cheat". The more the truth comes out, the more we're finding out she's hiding something nuclear.

How's that? Seems to me like she knew she did something wrong and tried to somewhat cover her tracks at first, but is now spilling the beans. I still see nothing here that leads me to believe she slept with the guy.

Think about it, if you had just slept with some woman and cheated on your wife, would you actually want them to get together for dinner or drink like the wife is suggesting here? Just doesn't make sense because there is too much bad that can come out of it. Too many chances to slip up when they (the Op and his wife and Josh and his gf) all meet.

I still think she was pissed off like only a woman can get and did something foolish is staying out all night like she did, but I still get no signs that she slept with him.

For sure have to keep her under lock and key for a while though! haha

 

[ketostix]

Let me get this straight. Let's just forget about all the extraneous details like her conflicting stories, the fact she is 23, and didn't check your voicemail (I'm pretty sure you can listen and resave a vm as new), and the fact OP doesn't know for a fact exactly where she was, other than she could've been 2 mins away. She spent 7-9 hrs with this Josh, and only has good things to say about him? This time line is totally consistent with her cheating with Josh. What more circumstantial evidence do you need?

 

[Tazman]

As to this whole story about Josh, I say f-ck Josh. It's insulting enough that she actually recommended you meet the guy, you know, as if you give a flying sh-t about some dude you don't know from adam who was with YOUR wife "clubbing". The details she gives describing him have absolutely no value or bearing on her behavior that night.

I'd feel even more pissed that she said I should meet the guy, what's that going to prove? Why does she even feel the need to "prove" anything if she did nothing wrong? I guess I could let this go if it weren't for the fact that you're married to her WITH a kid. There is no easy way to deal with this, simply be careful and remain vigilant about how you take care of your child and finances.

Whatever you do, don't put up with BS, because your limits are always being tested.

Just wanted to add:
The whole "I called you several times" thing is irrelevant. You would of course think it was an attempt at being responsible or thoughtful, but it's actually done to "cover up". That whole night/morning was irresponsible, and then she topped it off by walking in the door at 5:00AM saying she was "mad at you". Hearing that at that time while feeding your baby would've taken all my strength to hold back from doing something regretful. It isn't even the potential cheating that gets to me, it's the blatant disrespect and the insulting your intelligence with BS nonsense.

 

[iqqi]

Sorry, but I have a VERY bad feeling about this.

Don't think her having you meet Josh = innocence.

 

[iqqi]

As to this whole story about Josh, I say f-ck Josh. It's insulting enough that she actually recommended you meet the guy, you know, as if you give a flying sh-t about some dude you don't know from adam who was with YOUR wife "clubbing". The details she gives describing him have absolutely no value or bearing on her behavior that night.

I'd feel even more pissed that she said I should meet the guy, what's that going to prove? Why does she even feel the need to "prove" anything if she did nothing wrong? I guess I could let this go if it weren't for the fact that you're married to her WITH a kid. There is no easy way to deal with this, simply be careful and remain vigilant about how you take care of your child and finances.

Whatever you do, don't put up with BS, because your limits are always being tested.

Exactly, I'd be offended as hell.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Think about it, if you had just slept with some woman and cheated on your wife, would you actually want them to get together for dinner or drink like the wife is suggesting here? Just doesn't make sense because there is too much bad that can come out of it. Too many chances to slip up when they (the Op and his wife and Josh and his gf) all meet.

I still think she was pissed off like only a woman can get and did something foolish is staying out all night like she did, but I still get no signs that she slept with him.

This girl is 23 yrs old. It seems clear as day light to me that she is NOT ready to be a wife to Traveler the way he expected. A disagreement should run its course and be handled in a mature fashion, NOT by acting like a juvenile teen rebel and running off late into the night, while getting plastered with another man AND lying about who she was really with. The fact that she came "clean" wouldn't mean $hit to me, this chick lied to Traveler and who knows what else she's lying about. Without trust you have NOTHING!!

And while it might seem out of this world for her to arrange a dinner double date, it also would be the PERFECT way to convince Traveler that she didn't cheat, even if she did, the ace in the deck so to speak.

If you don't see any signs that she might have cheated on Traveler, then I must assume that Ray Charles is a close relative of yours...

Traveler: I know you love your wife and this is a difficult situation for you, but you need to follow your gut and realize that this woman has a lot of issues that need to be ironed out before she is ready to be a caring, mature wife.



PIMP

 

[cordoncordon]

Sorry, but I have a VERY bad feeling about this.

Don't think her having you meet Josh = innocence.

Agree that these new details have me a little more concerned. Especially the fact that she drove with him to the club, and rode back with him. Very fishy.

 

[cordoncordon]

This girl is 23 yrs old. It seems clear as day light to me that she is NOT ready to be a wife to Traveler the way he expected. A disagreement should run its course and be handled in a mature fashion, NOT by acting like a juvenile teen rebel and running off late into the night, while getting plastered with another man AND lying about who she was really with. The fact that she came "clean" wouldn't mean $hit to me, this chick lied to Traveler and who knows what else she's lying about. Without trust you have NOTHING!!

And while it might seem out of this world for her to arrange a dinner double date, it also would be the PERFECT way to convince Traveler that she didn't cheat, even if she did, the ace in the deck so to speak.

If you don't see any signs that she might have cheated on Traveler, then I must assume that Ray Charles is a close relative of yours...

Traveler: I know you love your wife and this is a difficult situation for you, but you need to follow your gut and realize that this woman has a lot of issues that need to be ironed out before she is ready to be a caring, mature wife.



PIMP

No no I have said since the start that what she did is very very wrong. I have just never been convinced that she slept with the dude is all. As far as I'm concerned he has every right to be upset at her and as far as a "punishment" who knows but I certainly wouldn't be nice about things.

 

[Mr. Me]

The original story from my wife at the beginning of the of this was mixed with lies. She said she went with "jane" a class mate, but that wasn't true. She later admited that she went with Josh.

Traveler, it's a sad thing when spouses lie to us and are doing something they cover up and keep secret from us because they KNOW that what they're doing is wrong. Yet they do it.

It's not fair to us. They are trying to make us believe that things are not what they are. They know the truth of the situation, but will not share that with us. When we try to investigate, they do not reveal it for us but try to lead us further astray. They omit facts and spin others.

One poster talked of having unconditional love for someone who lies to us and/or betrays us. Well, it's a noble and ideal concept, yet, we don't live in an ideal, noble world. We cannot have unconditional love for someone who abuses us, for example.

When our partner is betraying us, being dishonest with us, trying to fool us, keep us ignorant about facts, they are abusing us. They are using our love and sense of trust and loyalty against ourselves in a very selfish manner.

Obviously because she wanted to keep Josh a secret from you. You found out about him via her cell phone, so there was no hiding him after that, she had to account for him. So her story changed. There was a reason she wanted to keep him a secret. There's a reason she lies to you about this. Now she's trying to make it look like he's harmless, that he's just a friend, by offering to have you meet him.

Whether she slept with him, or just held hands and kissed a few times, or is getting emotionally attached to him, it's ALL bad. Like I wrote earlier, any of that is just a symptom that your relationship is ill, anyway. The main thing is her behavior toward you, and frankly, her behavior is not consistent with that of an honest, trustworthy, respectful, loyal, loving wife.

Get to the library or bookstore and read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Aside from its Christian theme which is irrelevant, it deals with your situation and will give you some ideas and direction.

 

[STR8UP]

I'd feel even more pissed that she said I should meet the guy, what's that going to prove? Why does she even feel the need to "prove" anything if she did nothing wrong?

Yet another sign that tells me she's up to no good.

Women do this when they have something to hide.

"Traveller....come meet Josh....that will prove that I didn't do anything wrong!"

What a crock. This chick was TWO MILES from home at another dudes house after she rode to the club with him.

NAW....she wasn't planning on any "mischief"!

 

[speed dawg]

I think we are getting down to the nitty gritty now. All of us who have been through this situation know what's probably going to happen next.

And Latinoman, you really think your affair with the married woman is the rule and not the exception? Usually the signs are there if that is going on, and I'd be willing to bet they were, but the AFC husband did not know how to recognize them.

The world is not always black helicopters. You can usually see things coming if you open your eyes.

 

[Shyyhs]

I thought I'd chime in an objective opinion.

First flag came a little late in the discussion, but you married her because she got pregnant. I think both of you in this case would of felt you needed to get married.

2nd flag, She did and asked for forgiveness. I mean, she was already going to club before she even told you. She did it with the plan of asking for forgiveness later. Let me get it out. This isn't a sign of infidelity. It could be blowing off steam. But it does raise flags of how she'll behave if something isn't just right in her life.

3rd flag, the story changes. She changed the story because she wanted to conceal something from you. You already knew about Josh when she gave the first story. Later giving you a different one. This is a huge flag.

4th flag, She got a drive home with Josh. Obviously someone was sober enough to drive. It just happens that Josh leaves 2 miles away. She could of easily been dropped off at home.

What isn't a flag for me is the argument over coffee. That could of been a simple case of the straw the broke the camels back.

For me, if I was in that situation, it wouldn't be a case of if she cheated or not. It would come down to a trust issue. Could you trust her after this? I probably couldn't. You're most likely not going to find out if she cheated or not. So it's going to trust issue. Can you trust her?

Having a child completely changes the picture though, you have to put the child's welfare above your own. It's tough for you.


Also, sort off topic but... do you know if the child is yours? Sort of a tough topic, but I've heard the horror stories of dads that raised kids and payed gouging amounts of child support only to find out when there kids are like teenagers that they might not be theres.

Just food for thought.

 

[Latinoman]

I think we are getting down to the nitty gritty now. All of us who have been through this situation know what's probably going to happen next.

And Latinoman, you really think your affair with the married woman is the rule and not the exception? Usually the signs are there if that is going on, and I'd be willing to bet they were, but the AFC husband did not know how to recognize them.

The world is not always black helicopters. You can usually see things coming if you open your eyes.

I am recovered...I don't do that stuff anymore.

 

[jophil28]

\.... And of course people cheat, I just don't think she had sex with Josh in this instance.

I can also give you 99 million examples where the wife or gf did call the husband or bf all night for exactly the reasons I stated and never did cheat or had any intention to do so.

"Cheating" starts at the precise moment that a woman turns AWAY from her husband to another man for attention, affection, company or romantic interaction. Having sex with other men is just the ultimate outcome .

Infidelity exists along a continuum - at the mild end there is flirting with other men, in the middle there is drinking and dancing with another man behind the husband's back, and at the extreme end there is having sex with the guy .

Sex starts with a look and a conversation and progresses from there.

 

[ketostix]

Sorry, but I have a VERY bad feeling about this.

Don't think her having you meet Josh = innocence.

I'm still trying to figure out how it is even iqqi is starting to see this for what it is, yet we have at least one or two guys besides the OP burying their heads in the sand to the obvious and even defending this girl.

 

[frivolousz21]

If I was married....im not.

but if I was.

and my wife went to a club while we have a child at home then told me she got to drunk to drive and slept over with somewhere.


well....


Id leave her....there is no way I would be able to respect her again after that.


I wasnt married but living with a women and my son for 16 months...and she didnt do ****..but when I went out I never had some bs like that...as much as I was bored to death with the relationship I respected her and my role as a father.

ur screwed bro