Well for anyone one or two who has read my last few emails it is worth noting that I did not get a date tonight. Something can be learned from this. Maybe many things.
First there was a snowstorm that made travelling dangerous -- a sign from the gods? No matter, i jumped in my car started it, then stepped out to clean the windshield. Locked out of the car. . Can't call my mom for the spare key because my cell phone is dead Also locked out of the house because that key is IN the car. Try to get in through the basement and this soaks my new slacks. Bust a window get inside and change. On the way I get stuck on a snow covered hill with six cars sliding from side to side. And so I know, I really know that fate is trying to send ome a message.
All the same the time has come. It doesn't really matter what her answer is. The time has come to ask and to let her know that she has been asked. So I get to the parking lot and walk in. I enter and say "I must really love this food!" The truth is I am so sick of it! And I have an idea. Although we talk regularly when she is not busy we don't use names a lot so I think (and this is a good lesson gentelman) to ask her a question. I say "What's my name?" About six weeks earlier I had given her my name and she had never used it, but I knew that is she did not remember it then I did not register for her. And she didn't know it. She only remembered one letter. So I just went "Oh, oh."
She got me my drink and I said, "Look, I may as well tell you this. The reason I asked if you knew my name is because I wanted to ask you out to a Christmas performance of the Nutcracker but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable at your place of work, so I thought if you didn't remember my name that there would be no sense in asking." At this point I look up at her and she is smiling from ear to ear, biggest smile ever. So I add "But of course if you would go I'm still willing to ask."
She says, and I believe this was honest. "I am really really flattered and there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about asking me out at work but I am seeing someone now. It seems that "Chica bella" boy (and I think only a "boy" -- that is an adult child -- would write something so ridiculous) is real and that she met him last week on a trip. She didn't say "right now" which of course means she currently hopes and expects that the relationship will last. She then went on to explain that she was so busy the day that I gave her my name that it didn't register.
What have I learned from this. First of all, my hat is off to 50/50 man. He was right, maybe she would say yes but just as maybe she would say no. That is the problem with reading the signs. I think that we have to learn, or at least I have to learn, to do more than that. I can see, for example, that I became a real potential partner for her for the first time ever tonight -- only because I asked her out. A mental block, perhaps the job, caused her to never see me that way before. Now she sees me as a potential boyfriend and will imagine a little what that might be like even though it is in some senses too late. I should have got that on the table sooner.
David De Angelo the dating guru has a hit on them and if they don't like it try the next one philosophy. I could get lalid every night of the week if I used that model. But I always look for something special in a woman -- eyes, the way she moves, the way she speaks, a combination that says to me "this is a person that I can be happy with" When I find one of those it is rare and I don't want to just hit on her if there is a high chance that she does not respond to such hits (and the women I like do not)
So I would say something like this. If you are selective about the women you want and you find one who has potential you need to first get into her field of vision so that she knows something about what you're about. Then you need to let her know in a non-threatening way that you are interested. And then if she is not immediately able, you have to wait and see if she comes to you. I remember I fell for a woman I knew who was dating another guy. I was staring off into space and she came over and asked me if I was okay and I said "I don't know. There aore these pools in your eyes and I fell into them yesterday, and now I don't know how I'm going to get out." It may sound corny but it felt true when I said it. Well it goes without saying that we ended up together eventually. I put it out there and then waited to see what would happen.
This time, however, I acted like an idiot. I waited and waited and studied and tried to see if I could recognize it happening without taking any steps to make it happen. And guess what -- it didn't!!! I wasn't even on her radar.
But now I am. Isn't that ridiculous. And not all in a good way. If I had put it out there two months ago we would be dating. Instead there is this other guy and I had to wear some disappointment on my face.
But I think women do compare even when they are dating. So she will be at least be thinking "Ok Spanish dude two thousand miles away" or this guy. And she will run other comparisons without even knowing it. She never did that before because she didn't know I was interested.
What is the lesson? I guess it would be that if you don't seem like a loser and you don't seem needy, and you have given her some idea of who you are and how you live and what you are about, then it is not a question of finding out if she wants you by reading signs. I think instead you have to put it out there. Take an action that lets her know something COULD happen. That way she has time to think about it and get her affiars in line and that way you don't seem too needy. So next time, if I am in a similar situation with a waitress, I will put something on the table soon after she has some sense of me that I might want to go out with her, and I would do it in a way that the comment is open ended so she has time to think about it.
But now that leads me to a question. She has known this guy for all of a week. She was with him for three days in another city. So it was probably a romantic fling. I know she wants a committed and hopefully permanent relationship and I think she is imagining that this one will be. But there are the thousands of miles and they barely know each other and they were set up. It seems to me that they just matched up as single and passionate and ready to partner. On the other hand I have been around for a few months. I certainly know what I like about her because I have thought about her as a partner for a long time. So I look at things like work ethic, how she responds to children, how she relates to freinds, and family. She knows a lot of these things about me too. I just know as well that it never entered her mind to think about me as a partner. But I know from the way she reacted that she was not at all thrown by it.
I find a woman that I feel emtionally attracted to only once a year, if that. A lot of people just tire me out. This is a woman who, I like everything about her. And I think that, if the new boyfriend does not work out, I might get a shot. So my question is this. Do you think I should give up and stop going to the restaurant? Or should I go tomorrow (I usually go on Saturdays) Or should I wait a few weeks before I go?
