Re: For Jay Gatsby -- 3 YEARS?!!!
Apologies for the delayed response. I've been busy.
Originally posted by WestCoaster
Three years is WAY too long of courtship. If you don't know a woman inside and out after one year, you haven't done your homework, period. Women are NOT that complicated.
Never said that she was complicated, rather it's me who's complicated, or rather, it's my life that's complicated.
Actually after 5-6 months you will know if she has a kind heart, if she values her health and fitness, if she has good wife qualities. Granted, a lot of women change after they get married, but they're going to change after 6 months or after three years. Why in the world would it take 3 long, freakin' years to decide if you want to get married?
Actually, I did know all of those things after 5-6 months. However, she had some rough edges (immaturity issues) that I knew with some time, and a little bit of passive influence from being around me, she would blossom into a mature woman with all of those things you described. At this point in time, I've more or less decided, but various job stresses currently prevent me from focusing on buying a ring and how I'd want to go about proposing.
And like you said, if it doesn't work out, you've wasted a ton of time. Frankly, there are just too many females out there (granted, in America, most aren't very good) to be wasting three years of time trying to figure it out.
For a while there I would have agreed with you. Some of her immaturity issues were recurring, and several times I considered calling it quits. It was only after she herself went through a career change that she more or less decided to grow up.
Does it take three years to figure out if your job is good? Does it take you three years to find out if your friends are loyal?
Actually, it does. Not to go too deep into occupational analysis, but there is an adaptation period whereby you make a mark on an organization, and it makes its mark on you. Although it would be abundantly clear that things weren't working out if you were miserable from day one, that's often not the case in larger organizations. Immediate supervisors come and go, and a person's job responsibilities change periodically. Usually, there is a flash point where a career change is in order. Notwithstanding all of that, I don't think that employment and a relationship are necessarily comparable. Unpleasantness at work is often more tolerated than unpleasantness in a relationship. You need the former to put a roof over your head and food on the table, while the latter is quite optional.
I saw on the AFC site, er, I mean DJ Discussion board, that some young guy had three relationships since 13 years old, each lasting three years or more. First off, he's too young to be such stupid things. Secondly, he's wasting time.
On this we both agree. No "man" from age 14 on should be in a long-term relationship. I doubt I'm over-generalizing in stating that the vast majority of men don't really know what they want in a woman until they're age 25 or so. Dating provides an environment for a man to decide what he wants, as a result of often encountering what he decides he doesn't want.
Studies show if people live or date a woman for three years and then finally get married, their chances of staying married are not good.
I don't agree. Although I don't have any studies at hand (and no offense, but you didn't cite any either) I have many, many friends who dated for 2-3 years before deciding to get married. Once engaged, they took another year to plan the wedding. That seems like a fair timetable to me, particularly for a man who is likely in his late-20's to early-30's, and who is making probably the biggest decision in his life. Three years is a fair bargain in light of the devastating effects that divorce can have on men, women and children.
And in turn studies show if you don't live with a woman and marry her after about a year, your chances of staying together are very good.
I generally agree, but again, neither of us likely has studies to back up this point. I don't agree in co-habitation before at least getting engaged. Things can get very messy, very quickly, and it helps to have someplace to go under such circumstances. Living together before making a commitment to one another, especially in cramped quarters that are often all that a young couple can afford, creates tension and friction which can result in a break-up. Everyone needs their space.
Now could you please explain to me the benefits of a three-year courtship?! Wow -- what a collossal waste of time!
Based on the foregoing, I think I have. At least I know it's more or less worked for me, but it may not work for other people. I just believe that it takes time to really decide whether you want to marry a woman once she meets your basic qualifications. Here are few things you may want to learn during an extended courtship:
1. You want to meet her family, see how you and she interacts with them.
2. You want her to meet your family, and see how she interacts with them.
3. You want her to meet your friends, and see how she interacts with them.
4. You want to take a couple of vacations with her, to see how she handles traveling and spending time away from home with you.
5. You want to see how she handles her work pressures and your work pressures.
6. You want to see how tragedy affects her.
Many of these things can't be learned in 5-6 months, not even a year. The people that I know who took such a short period of time to get to know their spouse were in the marriage mindset -- they wanted to get married -- and figured that they could learn all they needed to know after getting married. Some have worked out, others haven't. But in the end, I'm a firm believer that marriage, no matter how great the girl, shouldn't be rushed into without sufficient time and consideration of its implications for you and her.
