"We have to talk. I'm moving out."

[Bible_Belt]

I was married once, mostly because I made money off of the arrangement. She is divorced as well. She's the one with the good job now and will probably make twice as much in three years after she finished school. If I was all about money, I would have married her. But I have about $45k in defaulted student loans, and the government would take her tax refund every year if we were married. So I guess it is about money, but not in the way that people think.

 

[MikeOck]

If she has someone else, I'll stop talking to her, but not yet. I'm not trying to get her back; I just want us to get along.

It can be extremely difficult to move on if you are still in contact with her. You might find yourself waiting for her to change her mind and come running back. It isn't about hating her (or not hating her), it's about doing what is best for you at this point and it seems clear that she didn't hesitate to do what she felt was in her best interest regardless of how that affected you. If you are going to be on good terms and she is someone worth being on good terms with, she will understand that you need some time to yourself to process things.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You're being AFC man

I'm not even getting started yet.

If I was 19, it would be different. But I have been through multiple long relationships, and the same sh!t keeps happening. Life is one long lesson, and I felt for a long time that I wasn't learning anything during the past few years of this recent relationship. "Stagnating" is a good word. But now it's like, whammo, I just got several years of life lessons all at once.

The idea of pulling away and "punishing" a woman for not doing what you want is great when dating. But in LTRs, it is a slippery slope. I criticized her lack of communication, but I was using anger and resentment as my communication. I honestly still think of her as attractive - because of what I know from our past - but I was intentionally trying to make her feel unattractive as a way to get my point across. I did the same thing to my ex-wife, and I now I am finally seeing that about myself. It is a very poor way to communicate. Of course, so is moving out on me without notice. It goes both ways.

 

[backbreaker]

I'm not offering any adfice,k you know your **** and you know how to handle yourself. but i haven oticed, beucase you've been around like i have,k you tend to like women who make more money than you do.

just your opinion, do you think that the fact that you aren't the breadwinner in your relationships plays on the woman's, or this woman's feelings towards you in the end? just more curious than anything.

the reason i ask is because me personally i don't' think my ego could handle taking a back seat to a woman financially. i couldn't keep the frame of the relationship, it's just how i'm wired. my dad can. my dad's wifes **** all of them, made more than he has. and they are crazy about him. or were lol. but i need to be the head of the household or the head of the house.

there is this chick who i know who is kinda good looking i'd do her if iw ere single lol she's 40 and she is married and she's not a slut or a hoe or a bad woman or any thing she's what you look for in a wife and she was like a man is supposed to be the head of his household, that comes directly from god (and if you read the bible that's true if you believe that stuff) and she believes this ****.

i think what i am trying to say is that the woman that i would be attracted /am attracted to enough to not ant to **** anyone else, want a man to run the house and i couldn't see how i could maintain the frame with what i deem a catch without being able to run my house.

 

[Bible_Belt]

fwiw I actually had more money than her when we got together. Then I had a couple businesses fall apart, started making less than her within a year, and she never seemed to care. I have been working like a dog lately to build up something new that will make income. And I am making at least revenue, if not yet actual profits. And my ex-wife was from a rich family who sent her money, but I always had a job. We broke up for a brief time, and I had no trouble paying my own bills.

But that's not to say I don't want a woman with a decent job. My income fluctuates like mad, so steady income is the perfect pairing.

When we did eventually fight over money, it wasn't really about the money. It's that way that couples never actually argue about what they are mad about. I yelled at her for staying out til 430 on a Saturday night with her friends last week. I am finally figuring out that what I was really mad about was that we were not close enough to want to be out together.

 

[cordoncordon]

Feels for your dog brah. Get him a companion asap if at all possible.

 

[LongLostFriend]

Sorry to hear about your mess.

Next time, no cohabitation.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive before I begin the part where everyone hates me.

Sat morning when she moved out, she started to take the two dog crates that the dogs she was taking slept in. I yelled at her that those were mine, which they were, and she could buy her own goddamn dog crates. So she left them. It took about 24 hours for me to not be mad any more, and offer them back to her. We planned for her to come get them tonight.

I texted her that I wanted to her to stay long enough to have dinner with me, and she said ok. Then I cooked a gourmet-caliber meal, the best food I've had in a long time. Some of it I grew myself. I dug a candle out of the pile of her stuff I had collected, and we had a candle-light dinner. When she walked in the door, before she saw the dinner, I hugged her and her hug back was like a jiu-jitsu hold. She never wanted to break up; she just wanted my attention. I told her it worked and she had it.

She stayed about four hours. We talked a lot. I told her I use anger as an attempt at communication. She told me that I had started to remind her of her ex-husband, which was part of why she left so abruptly. All my friends had moved away, my martial arts gym had closed, and I hardly ever went out any more. So I was pretty anti-social, which of course women hate.

I didn't tell her about seeing the other girl on Sat night, but on that night I spent a lot of time observing couples. The girl who invited me out also invited her best friend and her new guy. As I said before, she is amazingly beautiful. She had been living with a much older guy, but I never saw them out together. The new guy was her age, nice guy but just very normal, and he was along with her for the night. He didn't know a single person there, which was exactly the situation I would have complained about. But the social bargain for the guy is that he does whatever she wants while they are out...and then she does whatever he wants when they get home. That's what a good relationship is.

I was going through our stuff last night and found a few DVDs I had made of us having sex the first year we were together. She didn't gain 80 pounds, I exaggerated, it was closer to half that amount. That dvd was the best porno movie I have ever seen. All of the guys who don't understand why I can be so into a woman who is overweight, if you saw the video, I think most of you would say OH, OK, I get it now. I guess I have a screaming orgasm fetish.

By the way, I have fvcked plenty of skinny chicks, too. Most of them - not all but most - would just lay there during sex. If they made noise, it typically got on my nerves. I would be thinking, "I know you're cvmming, shut up about it." Or "Yes that IS my name." I like the idea of being able to make a woman lose all control, but a lot of them are just annoying when they do.

We stood on my deck and made out after dinner. She's on her period, or we probably would have fvcked. She feels like someone who has been alone for a while, happy to have someone be interested in her. I told her I want us to spend a lot less time together, but actually treat each other well in that time.

The place she moved into is a dump. The fence gate is bent, the dogs get out, and she has been leaving them in crates all day while she is at work. She has tried to fix the fence, but she has no mechanical skills and can't do it. She said before she left that I should come fix her fence. And she's right. I didn't tell her, but I am going to go look at it tomorrow.

All of her friends deleted me on facebook. Women have this "supportive hate" thing where they think hating their friend's ex is being a good friend. Her friends all did that, but none of her family did. I guess they know me better. I told her not to let any of her friends know that she was seeing me again.

So now I'm dating the woman who left me. If this were an in-person speech, I realize you would be throwing things at me by now.

 

[Burroughs]

Man's fundamental weakness when it comes to women is the need for a sexual partner and the need for a mother figure

If a man can overcome both of these needs

he will be free

if a man cannot...he is enslaved

 

[backbreaker]

it's easy to harp on a guy for not following what we think are DJ standards but there aren't many guys on this forum I respect more than bible belt. if bible belt feels that the woman deserves a 2nd chance dammit the woman deserves a second chance. sometimes there is a lot of things you can't convey online that happen in real life. BB knows his relationship. sometimes we make hasty stupid decisions.

if my wife left me like that and came back a week later i'd probably more than likely give her a second chance buecase you don't throw 5 years down the drain over some bull **** if you can help it. this is bull ****.

5 years is a long time and a lot of built up good will. i mean needless to say you blow another dude or something i don't care how long we have been together you can get to steppn but i mean, just sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

real life is very very gray. with that said, one thing i would be clear about if i were you if this were me is that i would not be quick to tack her back. i would need to think about some **** and see what my options are. she just can't come and go when she pleases like that she has tos weat that **** out.

 

[cordoncordon]

it's easy to harp on a guy for not following what we think are DJ standards but there aren't many guys on this forum I respect more than bible belt. if bible belt feels that the woman deserves a 2nd chance dammit the woman deserves a second chance. sometimes there is a lot of things you can't convey online that happen in real life. BB knows his relationship. sometimes we make hasty stupid decisions.

if my wife left me like that and came back a week later i'd probably more than likely give her a second chance buecase you don't throw 5 years down the drain over some bull **** if you can help it. this is bull ****.

5 years is a long time and a lot of built up good will. i mean needless to say you blow another dude or something i don't care how long we have been together you can get to steppn but i mean, just sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

real life is very very gray. with that said, one thing i would be clear about if i were you if this were me is that i would not be quick to tack her back. i would need to think about some **** and see what my options are. she just can't come and go when she pleases like that she has tos weat that **** out.

Gotta disagree with you here BackBreaker. This relationship has been over for quite some time, they just didn't know it yet. Her leaving was the one good thing that came out of all this. Biblebelt, you are rationalizing big time. Making excuses for her. I know that a breakup can be hard. Very hard (that's what she said). But understand that what has happened here is the very best thing that could have happened. You doing this is only going to prolong the inevitable. You are missing the idea of her. The fantasy of her. The feeling that no matter what, at least you have her to come home to. And this stems from the fact that you don't have a lot of other good things going on in your life right now. I can promise you that if you were making $200 K a year, had all of your own stuff, and were totally self sufficient? You would have broken up with this girl a long time ago. But because your confidence is shot, you are willing to take what you can get. Which isn't much. Think about it. Not to put you down but you got left by a nonsexual, broke, not much going on her life, fat girl. It don't get much worse. Reality should be slapping you in the face my friend.

You should really do a complete life evaluation. See where and what your weaknesses are. Where your strengths are. What you want to do with your life. What kind of girl you want to do this with. And then create a plan of action and put that plan into motion. You are young enough, and smart enough, where executing this plan should be very doable. This girl does not belong in that plan as far as I can see.

As I said earlier, and as the great Gordon Gekko once said, "this is your wakeup call pal..........go to work".

 

[zekko]

The place she moved into is a dump. The fence gate is bent, the dogs get out, and she has been leaving them in crates all day while she is at work. She has tried to fix the fence, but she has no mechanical skills and can't do it. She said before she left that I should come fix her fence. And she's right. I didn't tell her, but I am going to go look at it tomorrow.

My money is on this little reunion not lasting. Most women who decide to leave have second thoughts at some point, and sometimes they have to make a few attempts before they can actually go through with it all the way.

Most likely, being single hasn't lived up to her expectations so far. It just means that next time she will probably plan her escape more carefully.

 

[Dedication]

Man's fundamental weakness when it comes to women is the need for a sexual partner and the need for a mother figure

If a man can overcome both of these needs

he will be free

if a man cannot...he is enslaved

Hey Burroughs, what do you mean by needing a mother figure? Could you elaborate on this? Or create a topic about this if its too off-topic? I'm severely interested because i think i might have issues with this.

Bible_Belt > this is what i think of your actions: -.-

 

[expos]

You owe nothing to this woman and she owes a little something to you for how she has treated you.

My advice is chase after other women right now and keep banging her if you'd like...but you've been warned. Be prepared for her bail again on you - it's in her head that she can do this at anytime.

 

[Bokanovsky]

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive before I begin the part where everyone hates me.
...

This was painful to read. You have mega strong oneitis for, let's be honest here, an aging, fat, undesirable woman (who is not even the mother of your children). This woman did you a huge favor by doing something that you should have done yourself a long time ago but didn't have the balls to. This was your chance to break free from that useless "relationship" and now you're back to square one.

You are making a huge mistake by getting back with this woman, and you are going to regret it. She will remain fat, your sex life will remain non-existent and you will still be ashamed to show her off in public. On top of that, she is now in total control of the frame and knows that no matter how fat and unattractive she gets, she will have you in her back pocket.

The above may sound mean, but that's not my intention. I read some of your posts on this board and you sound like an intelligent, decent guy. It's upsetting to see a fellow man sell himself short like that and be emotionally dependant on a woman that many other men would not even give a second look.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Man's fundamental weakness when it comes to women is the need for a sexual partner and the need for a mother figure

If a man can overcome both of these needs

he will be free

if a man cannot...he is enslaved

Words of wisdom.

 

[JoeMarron]

All of the guys who don't understand why I can be so into a woman who is overweight, if you saw the video, I think most of you would say OH, OK, I get it now. I guess I have a screaming orgasm fetish.

By the way, I have fvcked plenty of skinny chicks, too. Most of them - not all but most - would just lay there during sex. If they made noise, it typically got on my nerves. I would be thinking, "I know you're cvmming, shut up about it." Or "Yes that IS my name." I like the idea of being able to make a woman lose all control, but a lot of them are just annoying when they do.

This quote spells out the issue. OP you have a scarcity mindset. You don't feel like you can replace her so you're willing to put up with bullchit. I get the feeling this is gonna get a lot uglier before the end.

 

[speed dawg]

Basically, she got fat, we stopped having sex, and all of that was MY fault. She gained about 80 pounds and then told me she had to leave because she didn't feel like I still wanted to have sex with her. Duh. She also said I didn't clean the house enough, even though she never cooked or cleaned, and we both worked about the same amount of hours. She makes more money than me, but not by a lot. I paid the rent, she paid everything else, and my extra money was usually our fun money. Her take on the situation was "I pay all the bills."..................This was a relationship that went from being all sex all the time, threesomes and wild stuff, to absolutely no sex at all. We could maybe manage once a month for the past year. I told her that her birth control is killing her sex drive, but she doesn't care. She used to say "I'm horny" every night when we were dating. I have not heard her say that in over two years.............................The worst part is having to admit I was deceived. She was kissing me goodbye all week, then going to look at rentals...................................................As for triggers that were a sign that it was over, it's all in the sex. For the first year or so we were together, we had sex every night. It was the main thing we had in common. We moved into a new place that my family owns three years ago. She also started night school part-time about that time. That's when the weight started piling on, and the sex became less and less. I REALLY put a lot of effort into making sure we had sex once a week. That was what held the relationship together I think. Eventually, her drive got less and less, and I started to get annoyed at all the nights that she wouldn't even take a shower after work. The last time we had sex, she wouldn't even shave her legs. Then a week or two later, she showered and shaved everything, and we went to bed. I had worked all day and was tired, and she said some b!tchy comment about how what I was talking about wasn't turning her on. I got mad, said fine I'm tired, then rolled over and went to sleep. That was the moment the relationship ended I think. As soon as she felt like I was not attracted to her, then it was over. I faked it for years, but one time of me not pretending was good enough..........................................................I refuse to hate someone I've loved. She and I have been texting back and forth all day, trying to give each other stuff that used to be ours. If she has someone else, I'll stop talking to her, but not yet. I'm not trying to get her back; I just want us to get along...........................................................................All my friends had moved away, my martial arts gym had closed, and I hardly ever went out any more. So I was pretty anti-social, which of course women hate.

Well, my first impression is that you just went AFC on her. I really don't care how much of a 'seasoned pro' any of us are, or how long we've been on SoSuave or how much reputation points you have, this stuff can and will happen to any of us if we allow it. Look man, the last sentence of your post says it all. I think there's something missing here, your value went waaaaay down somehow. This was a long term relationship, you have to dig deep. Erase that pride, and acknowledge what most of us already know. You went a little AFC. The Game truly never ends.

Your posts have been littered with strategic rationalizations. Ego/pride are bad things. I suffer from the same things. The fact you pushed her away with anger or whatever drives the point home even more......that's insecurity, and the root of AFC-ism. Sounds as if you were scared to let your guard down because she may meet the real you.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Bible:

I'll always feel indebted to you for all the advice you have given me esp recently.

I also wanted to point out what Speed Dawg highlighted from your recent post.

Your value has changed.

Friends moved away, you gym closed --- but you don't have to accept that and let your passions in life fall by the way side.

Shiat, without the gym I really think I would have gone back to many shiatty women from my past several times over.

I know you are a gym rat as well, that can't be the only gym in your area. Join a new one or find another outlet to get some physical exercise in.

Your friends moved away... put yourself out there and find new ones. Facebook and other social media outlets are great for reconnecting with people you might not have talked to in a while.

Something doesn't sit right with me about this whole situation.

Anyone who goes to that extreme simply to gain attention ----- that's pretty messed up.

I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but for her to be acting completely normal all week, then drop the bomb on you.

Ask yourself if someone with true integrity and value would do that to you? That's an extremely cold, AW way to do in my opinion.

The weight she has gained is the proverbial frosting on the cake that you should be looking for new options.

Don't settle bro, your much better than this and even if the sex was awesome and all, you can and will find that with a woman of higher value.


Wishing you the best as always bro --- keep us posted and the first thing I would do is get back into the gym or some type of workout. It is therapeutic in many ways.







PIMP

 

[Bible_Belt]

She said she was going to try to fix the fence herself, so I let it go.

Nothing she did was ever about not loving me, it was her feeling like I didn't love her. She left a lot of her things for me on purpose, including the chair I'm sitting in now. All morning she kept telling people to leave this and leave that. When we got together I had zero kitchen stuff, and I still have a lot now. It's all going back to her at some point, which I told her. She never even really broke up with me. She just said 'I'm moving out.' I was the one to change my facebook status to single.

She doesn't have anyone else. I can tell. Being with her now is much like when we first got together; she feels like someone who has felt neglected for a long time. She put up that for a long time from her ex-husband, before she finally moved out of state, and then finally cheated on him. I was reminding her of her marriage, and it freaked her out. I would rather have had this happen than have her cheat on me to tell me how she felt.

Of course all my family are giving me similar advice as to what I see here. They think I'm nuts. But most of them are in unhappy relationships themselves.

Backbreaker has written on here about the relationship between his mom and dad. They can't stay together, but at the same time can't stay apart. The girl this thread is about has a mom and step-dad who are like that, too. She and I are headed in that direction, and that's not what I want. I don't want to have to deny how I feel about someone, or more importantly how they feel about me, for the sake of my pride/ego.

I was watching my mom and stepdad almost fight tonight. They never fight, but things are getting pissy. He was supposed to graduate a 2-year school program and have a better job soon. But he flunked out two months before graduation. He tried, just not hard enough. Now he is stuck at a minimum-wage job. He came home from work tonight, and my mom did not act happy at all to see him, which he pointed out in snide comments of his own. They are a typical couple with poor communication. She's probably making plans to leave him all the time. Everyone's relationship gets fvcked up when they stop being honest about how they really feel.

My gf, which I think is what she is again, is spending tonight and tomorrow with her mom. I'm sure I will see her this weekend. This relationship needs make-up sex in a bad way.