"We have to talk. I'm moving out."

[twentee]

what were you doing while she gained 60 lbs more than the 20 lbs (which is unacceptabole, right there)? That 60 lbs didn't go on overnight, after all. It took months. I'd have forced the issue, much, much sooner. it's disrespectul as hell to your partner, to gain even the 20 lbs.

 

[cordoncordon]

Honestly this is the best thing that could have happened to you. Probably doesn't seem like it today, but it is. 80 pounds!!! WTF? That is insane. Part of me has to blame you as well. No way you should have allowed that to happen. If my fiance gained even 10 pounds I would say something. And she only weighs 115. As soon as she gained 10-20, you should have been joining a gym with her and taking her there and working out with her 4-5 days a week. That is what we do, in fact we are getting ready to head to Golds as I write this.


Anyway, as I said this is by far the best thing that could have happened. Head to the gym, start working out, and within a month you will start to look and feel better and have all the confidence in the world. And also try to never be in a position again where you not only have to stay with a woman who gains 80 pounds, but where she has most of the things from the household in her name. You are way to old for that.

Consider this a wake up call.

 

[Pair A Dice]

Tough situation when you let the woman be the provider. Always put bills, like your phone, in your own name and you won't need to worry about that kind of stuff.

 

[Zarky]

And OP has been married before, correct? Hope he doesn't make the same mistake a 3rd time.

it's disrespectul as hell to your partner, to gain even the 20 lbs.

The issue is that once a woman "catches" a man, she almost always loses all respect for him. Not in a day, but over months and years.

 

[expos]

The issue is that once a woman "catches" a man, she almost always loses all respect for him. Not in a day, but over months and years.

QFT.

That's why you need to "game" your wife and keep her on her toes.

I work with this ******* who graduated from Duke University (do I need to continue?). Anyways, this prick cheated on his wife of three years with a stupid, slutty intern. His wife just gave birth to his kid, and when he should have been changing his 3 month year old's diapers at 3am, he was plowing this skank in his office.

The kicker? His wife STILL wanted to keep the marriage together. He didn't and he's still with the skank.

I think the point I'm trying to get to is that this ******* obviously treated his wife like **** but still was able to earn her respect and keep her in line enough through of all of this crap for her to want to stick around.

To the OP, what type of frame did you try to maintain throughout your marriage? Were her needs being met? When I mean needs, I don't mean jewelry, cars, etc, I'm talking about emotional needs.

Keeping a wife requires a formula. You must display a balance of power and sympathy, but most of all, you need to be a team. If you falter at any one of these points, the relationship is doomed.

 

[disgustipated]

A team in the sense you're Michael Jordan and she's Steve Kerr.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Bible,

How are you feeling about all of this?

 

[Married Buried]

I'm not surprised she blamed you for the weight. I was watching this show called Cheaters last night. Basically these AFC guys hire a PI to follow around their cheating girlfriends and they videotape it. One woman was bringing a guy back to her boyfriends apartment and banging him. It was all caught on tape. When the guy confronted her she said it was his fault for leaving her alone all the time.

The worse part is the guy was willing to give her another chance in the end. All the guys give them another chance at the end. It's pathetic.

 

[Bible_Belt]

My access to the Internet is spotty right now. Thank you guys for all the support.

She was gone in one trip Saturday morning, with all of the people she brought to help her move. Her family actually likes me a lot. They kept saying "this sucks. We hate this." Her mom was hugging me and crying.

I stayed home to watch them move out. All morning long, I kept going through realizations of "oh sh!t, that's yours too." My place is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Two of the rooms are completely empty. I have an old couch, coffee table, kitchen table, big tv, and that's it. No bed, lamps, other furniture, or washer or dryer. There are hardwood floors so everything makes a strange echoing noise. I also have a blind dog who is now depressed because the two dogs he lived with are now gone.

/depressing part

I only told one friend about my breakup. He told his ex, who is best friends with a girl who is a former off and on fvck buddy of mine. She lives in Chicago, but texted me that she had heard what happened and was visiting family in my town. Her brother plays in a band that was performing, so I hung out with her, her hot best friend and new guy, and her mom, who already likes me. I do apparently well with mothers. The girl and I didn't even make out, but it was good for me to get out in public and be around people. She and I like each other quite a bit. I think we would be together if we liked living in the same place. She lives about five hours from me, and probably visits here every month or two, so that is just perfect for me right now.

I texted my now-ex gf today. I told her that I didn't mean it when I said I never wanted to talk to her again. I told her I would always love her, and I want her to be happy. That was not easy. But after knowing her this long, I know that I have to be the one to be the bigger person.

As for triggers that were a sign that it was over, it's all in the sex. For the first year or so we were together, we had sex every night. It was the main thing we had in common. We moved into a new place that my family owns three years ago. She also started night school part-time about that time. That's when the weight started piling on, and the sex became less and less. I REALLY put a lot of effort into making sure we had sex once a week. That was what held the relationship together I think. Eventually, her drive got less and less, and I started to get annoyed at all the nights that she wouldn't even take a shower after work. The last time we had sex, she wouldn't even shave her legs. Then a week or two later, she showered and shaved everything, and we went to bed. I had worked all day and was tired, and she said some b!tchy comment about how what I was talking about wasn't turning her on. I got mad, said fine I'm tired, then rolled over and went to sleep. That was the moment the relationship ended I think. As soon as she felt like I was not attracted to her, then it was over. I faked it for years, but one time of me not pretending was good enough.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Basically, she got fat, we stopped having sex, and all of that was MY fault. She gained about 80 pounds and then told me she had to leave because she didn't feel like I still wanted to have sex with her. Duh.

Holy crap, 80 lbs!! This break up should literally feel like getting a rock off your shoulders! You should have dumped her a long time ago.

 

[SamTheHobit]

Sounds like one of those relationships, where you guys stayed home and watched re runs of South Park all weekend.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

But I think you can blame the break up to stagnation.

 

[evan12]

According to PUA lore, a woman's value drops at around age 30, and she runs out of good options. But if this is the case, why are so many older women so quick to leave their men?

Bible belt offer no value to her , he didnt marry her , didnt have sex with her and didnt have kid with her and wasnt financially securing her . women after 30 look for a man that can offer these things. at 37 I think she is just looking for some thrill that she cant find it with bible belt any more .

I know this sound harsh but I am talking from a view point of women of how they value the man .

 

[disgustipated]

You do not owe it to anyone to be the "bigger" man. **** that. You.are relieved of ALL responsibility after she moved out and broke up with you!!! Her choice, let her suffer the consequences. And that is she does not benifit from any of your time, money, attention, labor,.favors etc etc. You have to view it as she ****ed up.....even if she never tries to contact you again, you still have to adopt this mindset. You are a man....you are valuable to society in way more ways than her....your inherent value should be tied into that. Find a girl that appreciates that...IF you must. But you owe NOTHING to this girl...nothing, not a happy birthday email, not a return text....nothing. Let her live with her decision. If she loses 40 lbs and bumped into you, you tell her she has 40 to go and good.luck. You owe her nothing.

 

[twentee]

fvck yes. did you take her skiing, water and snow? diving, sky and scuba? did you ride a motorcycle together, camp out, shoot, hunt, fish, garden, LEARN things together? everyone who is waf wants to GROW in ability and self respect. If you can't recognize that fact and build around it, suffer the consequences.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I refuse to hate someone I've loved. She and I have been texting back and forth all day, trying to give each other stuff that used to be ours. If she has someone else, I'll stop talking to her, but not yet. I'm not trying to get her back; I just want us to get along.

Her dogs got out of her new backyard and she had to look for them all afternoon. Fixing the fence was something I always did. I was laughing to myself about that. She is going to realize a lot of the things I did for her when she has to do them herself. She told me her new rent amount, and she is going to be more broke than when she was living rent-free with me. I don't see this being about money. The smartest financial move would have been to stay with me for another year before she went away to school for a year.

 

[Bible_Belt]

fvck yes. did you take her skiing, water and snow? diving, sky and scuba? did you ride a motorcycle together, camp out, shoot, hunt, fish, garden, LEARN things together? everyone who is waf wants to GROW in ability and self respect. If you can't recognize that fact and build around it, suffer the consequences.

I understand what you're saying, but most of the time I couldn't get her off the couch. Plus when a woman gets fat, it's hard to want to show her off to the world.

 

[disgustipated]

Indifference is not hate. Love is closer to hate than indifference. Wish you luck.

 

[Bokanovsky]

fvck yes. did you take her skiing, water and snow? diving, sky and scuba? did you ride a motorcycle together, camp out, shoot, hunt, fish, garden, LEARN things together?

How the hell are you supposed to do most of those things with a woman who is 80 lbs overweight?? Especially riding a motorcycle together...that sounds like a death wish.

I don't understand why everyone is giving the OP a hard time. It's not his fault that his GF got fat and ceased to be sexually appealing.

 

[expos]

She fvcking quit on you in the relationship. Plain and simple. 80lbs is simply inexcusable, disrespectful, and disgusting. I can understand 10-15 lbs if you coming off a workout plan and feel like you need a break or some variety in your life....but 80lbs?

This points to a bigger, deeper emotional issue. She'll probably lose this weight at some point and look great and try to show off, but she WILL be fat again when she hits another low point in her life and she'll be someone else's problem. People who fluctuate weight like that (if not battling some sort of disease) always have something very wrong with them.

If she is in your 30's like you, she probably will never change. People DON'T change. The as*holes I went to high school with are still the same as*holes today. If she appears better a year from now it is all a short term facade.

No sex in the relationship? Sound like she failed there too. It's doesn't require a lot for us guys to be satisfied. Just be nice to us and let us have sex with you. Let us help you raise the kid if we have one with you. That's it. We can handle the rest.

 

[zekko]

Bible belt offer no value to her , he didnt marry her , didnt have sex with her and didnt have kid with her and wasnt financially securing her . women after 30 look for a man that can offer these things.

I'm very skeptical about marriage these days, but I've noticed that in most of the ones that have stayed together, they have a child. Maybe women will stay for the children, to keep the family together - some of the time. Obviously a lot of the time they just see the kids as a guarantee that they'll be getting a bigger check from the ex if they divorce.

But my ex-wife and I never had children, and never wanted children, maybe that was part of why it didn't last. Although I can't recommend marriage, it's probably the best environment for a child to be raised in. There's very little value placed on the traditional family these days (maybe least of all here), but it's got to be good for kids to have both a male and female role model in the house, who are both invested in their well being at the most primal level. In fact, I think most posters who dismiss the traditional family as religious hokum are really blowing smoke out their @ss.

It is, in my opinion, up to the man to take charge of sustaining sexual tension. A lot of guys may disagree or say it's unfair, but it's part and parcel of being a man in this world - you have to do the heavy lifting.

There's a lot of whining on this forum about how unfair life is for men. I bet if these same guys for women they'd find plenty to complain about too. Being a man isn't easy, but at the end of the day you either cry about it or embrace the role, and start lifting. Even though it's difficult, I have to think that being a man is more rewarding than being a female.