Was I Too Harsh Here?

[CheekyMonkey101]

You have to know what your power is, though. Not everyone here knows how to stand in their power.


I'd say be disagreeable, but in a mature way. No drama allowed into the argument. No sidetracking, no excuses. And don't show anger or exasperation.


You mean offer friendship because you're worried about rejection someone?

No, I don't offer friendship. I meant as in I was getting needy and a case of oneitis so I'll learn from next time. I'll also learn not to react badly and be calm.

 

[Clockwerk50]

You have to know what your power is, though. Not everyone here knows how to stand in their power.

Who?

I'd say be disagreeable, but in a mature way. No drama allowed into the argument. No sidetracking, no excuses. And don't show anger or exasperation

OP should have agreed, disagreed, or ignored the text. Anything but coming off a butthurt. Not saying your option is wrong either, some options are just more manipulative than the others.

You mean offer friendship because you're worried about rejection someone?

I don’t know about the “worried” part. The idea is that people often remain stuck in their own perspectives. When you complain about their insensitivity, they might appear to understand but usually resist change. By mirroring their behavior instead of confronting them directly, you give them a choice: to ignore you or to reflect on their actions. Even if they choose to ignore it, you plant a seed of awareness that can grow over time. Please see @RickTheToad post to see an example of how this strategy works.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Who?



OP should have agreed, disagreed, or ignored the text. Anything but coming off a butthurt. Not saying your option is wrong either, some options are just more manipulative than the others.



I don’t know about the “worried” part. The idea is that people often remain stuck in their own perspectives. When you complain about their insensitivity, they might appear to understand but usually resist change. By mirroring their behavior instead of confronting them directly, you give them a choice: to ignore you or to reflect on their actions. Even if they choose to ignore it, you plant a seed of awareness that can grow over time. Please see @RickTheToad post to see an example of how this strategy works.

Yeah, I reacted badly for sure. I should have just ignored it. It is what it is now.

 

[RangerMIke]

Yep, I agree.

This was good for me as I was getting oneitis over her and overlooking her red flags (such as having male friends and saying that she gets bored of men when in relationships).

There are many of women like this... They collect 'male friends' like dysfunctional old ladies collect cats. Not only is it IMPOSSIBLE to date them... it's almost impossible to actually be friends with them, since they are by and large unreliable. You make plans and you never know if they will show... they are easily distracted and addicted to their smart phones... they also actively try and change plans almost every time.

Best just to completely avoid them since they suffer from serious abandonment issues that you cannot fix. Don't worry about just breaking contact and letting them go because they don't really care... they have at least 6 other men she is stringing along... she'll be fine.

 

[DarwinTaurus]

This girl I was dating for a few months messaged me a couple of days after we had a day trip to this beach town (we smashed after) to say "You're a nice guy, I just think that we're looking for different things in a relationship and so I can't see this being more than friendship." I then responded with "I see no benefit to being your friend." She just said "Okay" and left it at that.

I did enjoy spending a lot of time with her and we got on well, but just being her friend just seemed to be a kick in the teeth. But as is life.

Was this response of mine too harsh or was it honest and to the point?

I wish I took this route when my last girlfriend broke up with me. I should have just cut her off straight away.

She wrote me a long break up text... and I wish in hindsight, all I responded with was "Ok".

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Nah, it was fine.

This is a common thing. Usually happens around month 3-4. The woman decides whether she wants things to progress with you or if she doesn't really see a future with you and if not usually ends things.

Probably didn't do anything wrong, she just didn't see you as being a good fit for her long-term. It's all part of the game...and a reason why you need to keep your pipeline flowing.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

There are many of women like this... They collect 'male friends' like dysfunctional old ladies collect cats. Not only is it IMPOSSIBLE to date them... it's almost impossible to actually be friends with them, since they are by and large unreliable. You make plans and you never know if they will show... they are easily distracted and addicted to their smart phones... they also actively try and change plans almost every time.

Best just to completely avoid them since they suffer from serious abandonment issues that you cannot fix. Don't worry about just breaking contact and letting them go because they don't really care... they have at least 6 other men she is stringing along... she'll be fine.

Yeah, good point. She would say that her exes would be bad people as well.

She had extremely high interest at the start but it seemed to fade after a bit. I made the horrific error of asking her to be my gf.

I've thankfully learned a valuable lesson from this experience.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

I wish I took this route when my last girlfriend broke up with me. I should have just cut her off straight away.

She wrote me a long break up text... and I wish in hindsight, all I responded with was "Ok".

I said some nasty things to this one which I deeply regret. But I've learned thankfully.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

There are many of women like this... They collect 'male friends' like dysfunctional old ladies collect cats. Not only is it IMPOSSIBLE to date them... it's almost impossible to actually be friends with them, since they are by and large unreliable. You make plans and you never know if they will show... they are easily distracted and addicted to their smart phones... they also actively try and change plans almost every time.

Best just to completely avoid them since they suffer from serious abandonment issues that you cannot fix. Don't worry about just breaking contact and letting them go because they don't really care... they have at least 6 other men she is stringing along... she'll be fine.

In addition to this, she said that there was Italian guy (she's Italian) where we live who originally tried to get with her, but she only uses him as a "friend" for his car. So that speaks volumes.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Nah, it was fine.

This is a common thing. Usually happens around month 3-4. The woman decides whether she wants things to progress with you or if she doesn't really see a future with you and if not usually ends things.

Probably didn't do anything wrong, she just didn't see you as being a good fit for her long-term. It's all part of the game...and a reason why you need to keep your pipeline flowing.

That's all true. At least I had some fun.

 

[RangerMIke]

Yeah, good point. She would say that her exes would be bad people as well.

Anytime things go sideways with a couple... according to the woman it is NEVER her fault. ONE TIME in my last 5 years of dating did a woman actually say "Yeah, he was a great guy and I just fvcked it all up." ONCE! Usually your get:

"We just grew apart." Which really means, "I could no longer emotionally control him."
"He was too clingy." Which really means, ""The dumb@ss didn't take the hint that I was ready to move on."
"He cheated on me." Which really means, "I was a cold fish and emotionally distant so he found someone that wanted when his balls belonged to me!"
"He was a liar." Which really means "I nagged to poor fvcker to the point where he was afraid of me getting angry."
"I didn't like his friends." Which really means "He wouldn't abandon his friends for ME!"

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Anytime things go sideways with a couple... according to the woman it is NEVER her fault. ONE TIME in my last 5 years of dating did a woman actually say "Yeah, he was a great guy and I just fvcked it all up." ONCE! Usually your get:

"We just grew apart." Which really means, "I could no longer emotionally control him."
"He was too clingy." Which really means, ""The dumb@ss didn't take the hint that I was ready to move on."
"He cheated on me." Which really means, "I was a cold fish and emotionally distant so he found someone that wanted when his balls belonged to me!"
"He was a liar." Which really means "I nagged to poor fvcker to the point where he was afraid of me getting angry."
"I didn't like his friends." Which really means "He wouldn't abandon his friends for ME!"

Yeah, she said that the last one "changed" and got tired of him always stopping when they went for walks (she's obsessed with hiking and visiting new places. Does it every weekend).

 

[BaronOfHair]

This girl I was dating for a few months messaged me a couple of days after we had a day trip to this beach town (we smashed after) to say "You're a nice guy, I just think that we're looking for different things in a relationship and so I can't see this being more than friendship." I then responded with "I see no benefit to being your friend." She just said "Okay" and left it at that.

I did enjoy spending a lot of time with her and we got on well, but just being her friend just seemed to be a kick in the teeth. But as is life.

Was this response of mine too harsh or was it honest and to the point?

Harsh, no... Brusque and unspecific? Absolutely. A reply like: "I appreciate the offer, nonetheless my goal has, from the outset, been to make you my lover. If you're not eager to do likewise, it's not wise or honest for us to keep palling around. I wish you sunshine and serenity all the same" would've been far more precise and direct

Knowledge for next time

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Anytime things go sideways with a couple... according to the woman it is NEVER her fault. ONE TIME in my last 5 years of dating did a woman actually say "Yeah, he was a great guy and I just fvcked it all up." ONCE! Usually your get:

"We just grew apart." Which really means, "I could no longer emotionally control him."
"He was too clingy." Which really means, ""The dumb@ss didn't take the hint that I was ready to move on."
"He cheated on me." Which really means, "I was a cold fish and emotionally distant so he found someone that wanted when his balls belonged to me!"
"He was a liar." Which really means "I nagged to poor fvcker to the point where he was afraid of me getting angry."
"I didn't like his friends." Which really means "He wouldn't abandon his friends for ME!"

That's not just women, that is people in general.

Even the most hardened murderers on death row see themselves as a misunderstood person who would never hurt anyone deep down.

 

[Tilex]

That's a good one.

I'm wondering if she was implying a FWB situation. If she did, then I'd be pretty gutted as she was very attractive and I completely ****ed it.

I wouldn't chase after that FWB assumption if I were you.
Think what would happen if you DID stay in the friend zone.

1) You would get ghosted or flaked upon
2) She would talk about other guys she's fvcking
3) She would treat you like a chick
4) She would never have time for you
5) She would bring her c0ckblocking friends along with her on a date

The Friend Zone is NEVER worth it, even if there MIGHT be a 25% chance of having a FWB.
It's a 25% gamble. Odds aren't in your favor.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

I wouldn't chase after that FWB assumption if I were you.
Think what would happen if you DID stay in the friend zone.

1) You would get ghosted or flaked upon
2) She would talk about other guys she's fvcking
3) She would treat you like a chick
4) She would never have time for you
5) She would bring her c0ckblocking friends along with her on a date

The Friend Zone is NEVER worth it, even if there MIGHT be a 25% chance of having a FWB.
It's a 25% gamble. Odds aren't in your favor.

Fair enough, but in this case I got to smash her loads of times so there was at least attraction on her part

If I hadn't have smashed, then it would have been a waste of time going for FWB. Having already done so meant it was still possible.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Fair enough, but in this case I got to smash her loads of times so there was at least attraction on her part

If I hadn't have smashed, then it would have been a waste of time going for FWB. Having already done so meant it was still possible.

Just leave the door open with her and say something like

"I respect your decision, hit me up if you change your mind".

Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but at least you've left the door open.

Then go on about your life and work on getting other women and she is done to you unless she reaches out.

 

[Learning Curve]

This girl I was dating for a few months messaged me a couple of days after we had a day trip to this beach town (we smashed after) to say "You're a nice guy, I just think that we're looking for different things in a relationship and so I can't see this being more than friendship." I then responded with "I see no benefit to being your friend." She just said "Okay" and left it at that.

I did enjoy spending a lot of time with her and we got on well, but just being her friend just seemed to be a kick in the teeth. But as is life.

Was this response of mine too harsh or was it honest and to the point?

It does no matter what you really say at this point.

It will not change her perception of you.

You could have said "I have friends, but thanks for the interest, speak soon"

This message you may think it shows you are buttheart but you really are not. You show her your true intentions of what you want. Which you already did when you banged.

You banged, she decided she does not want it anymore you win. She saved you ton-of-time.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

It does no matter what you really say at this point.

It will not change her perception of you.

You could have said "I have friends, but thanks for the interest, speak soon"

This message you may think it shows you are buttheart but you really are not. You show her your true intentions of what you want. Which you already did when you banged.

You banged, she decided she does not want it anymore you win. She saved you ton-of-time.

Yeah, these kind of things fizzle out sometimes.

I'm disappointed with how I spoke to her after as it was unlike me, but she'll live.

 

[CheekyMonkey101]

Just leave the door open with her and say something like

"I respect your decision, hit me up if you change your mind".

Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but at least you've left the door open.

Then go on about your life and work on getting other women and she is done to you unless she reaches out.

Yeah, I sent a follow up message after that to basically say that. But I royally ****ed up in my prior messages.

I've learned a lot from this at least. All I can do.