The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Lynx nkaf]

Joining today as first day after being dumped.

9 month LDR where we would travel to see each/other every 2/3 weeks.

It started with me being appreciative but outcome indifferent, but she showed HI for the first 3//4 months telling me she was falling for me at the end of 4th month.

When I reciprocated in the disclosement of feelings (which I did it in moderation i think) she would pull back, but still her affection, attitude and sex remained very good first 6 months.

After that I started noticing more disinterest, coldness and less happy (hot/cold). When I would ask what was happening shed say all was fine, that she would let me know if something not ok, that I should trust that she loved me.

We travelled to a couple of foreign places and while it was mostly good, our connection had moments of coldness were it felt we are not such a good match. On our last trip she seemed more tense and at times annoyed, I asked about this, she responded she was not feeling well(health). Other than that every time we had meet in person our connection has been quite good, good sex, just not high real chemistry.

After that trip we both were ill, and then coronavirus and lockdown happened. Making it impossible to make any near future plans. During last month she was quite cold, no affection, no initiating sex and awkward/arrogant attitude when we would talk via cam. Last conversation I acknowledged the vibe and that it felt like she wasn't happy to talk, she said again nothing just not feeling healthy. I stopped talking to her other than to ask if she was feeling better. Once she told she was better I stopped contact and only replying back shortly.

2 days later she asked if we could talk and said this wasn't working for both of us as no way of seeing each other plus none of us would relocate. Although I knew something was quite wrong, I was shocked to hear she wanted to end (although I had been mentally preparing for this scenario), thought she would first try to work things out not just present me her final decision politely. She said there was nothing wrong with the relationship we had, that all was good but perhaps not good enough to continue given the circumstances.Offered for us to be friends which I rejected and ended convo.

Im trying to let go of the anger and see my part of ****ing up, which seems to be I gradually attached my happiness to her, and I stopped being cool for her. Perhaps the anger is needed now to get me back on my feet in times of quarantine? I guess Id prefer to be in a place of real acceptance and optimism but far from it at the moment, just feeling broken, reading a lot, resting and exercising.

Inspiring to read others at this thread, which I never though I would be joining any time soon, yet sounds like my story follows patterns expressed here many times. I want to become better not more bitter. Days before breakup I was listening to Corey Wayne as he has many video s on what to do if she is growing distant, I did try to give space, mirror back her disinterest (although I still contacted as her health had been quite bad)

Day 1.

Welcome to Sosuave.

You noticed much earlier than the breakup that you weren't a good match.

Good job at declining LJBF too.

Good attitude of wanting to become better, not bitter.

 

[Avocadow]

Welcome to Sosuave.

You noticed much earlier than the breakup that you weren't a good match.

Good job at declining LJBF too.

Good attitude of wanting to become better, not bitter.

Thank you Lynx.

I have been able to identify what happened. After last meeting in person I overpursued.

Due to not feeling well and lockdown I lost my center and confidence. She had been telling me to slow down and rest, she was referring to my health but now I see she was referring also to my attitude in our communication.

God damned.

What a silly mistake.

You live and hopefully you learn.

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Feeling the loss acutely today.
Is it because I made it through the month of April not contacting him?
Is it because I'm actually considering colouring my hair to hide gray and that was against his wishes and advice?

I'm struggling to keep faith that he loved me.

I have decided to build new social circles instead of only cold approach with intent to date.
1 is a church/new religion to me
2 is a parttime job at the hunting and fishing stote

 

[Lynx nkaf]

My response in bold
Feeling the loss acutely today. it comes and goes, some days will better than others. eventually all days will be good. Have faith.
Is it because I made it through the month of April not contacting him? Get busy. It is tougher right now due to Covid, but as soon as the rules loosen, get as social as you can.
Is it because I'm actually considering colouring my hair to hide gray and that was against his wishes and advice? Who cares about his wishes? They no longer matter. Do what is best for you.

I'm struggling to keep faith that he loved me. That is normal. Time heals all wounds, trust me.

I have decided to build new social circles instead of only cold approach with intent to date.
1 is a church/new religion to me
2 is a parttime job at the hunting and fishing stote Good choice.

Awww, thanks for replying Mauser96.

Building social circles makes more logical sense to me. Cold approaching men is something prostitutes do ffs.
I am friendly and more aware by practicing ioi's but cold approaching is preeeeetttty bold for a woman to do.
When I used to make accounts on OLD(no longer do that after what I learned here), it was easy to mass message men and get them replying back and forth and agreeing to meet in person but then the plausible deniability? of the cold approach via OLD was the method of the approach. The media is the message or something like that. It was easy and cowardly. When I didn't respond to any sexual advance or talk in person its because I actually couldn't. I wasn't playing or fronting, I unfortunately felt no spark or chemistry. You can't lie about that.

I anticipate building social circles will take years, not months.
I'm embarassed I don't have more friends or why I never formulated any plans/ideas to go get some. OLD made me lazy asf. Deleted SM now too.
Eventually, I'll just be a lurker here too.

Thanks again Mauser96

 

[Lynx nkaf]

You are welcome.


Consider a meetup group

www.meetup.com

Yes, there's one in this city and the organiser is stepping down.

I'm not ready to lead.

Unless I can help guide the dynamic or purpose of the group.

Example: Hiking and outdoors activity group
There's a demand for it.
Other hiking groups do great. Great people. Great hikes.

If a guy will co-organise with me to mentor me a bit, I may start a group, but in my area only.
The hiking/walking groups where I worked two construction sites years ago, had excellent meetups. (hundreds of members) But that was a more populated place.

DJs that are in better, huge worldly cities have got it MADE for meetup social circles.

 

[mikey2012]

Thank you Lynx.

I have been able to identify what happened. After last meeting in person I overpursued.

Due to not feeling well and lockdown I lost my center and confidence. She had been telling me to slow down and rest, she was referring to my health but now I see she was referring also to my attitude in our communication.

God damned.

What a silly mistake.

You live and hopefully you learn.

Nah. I disagree. The ending was on the cards anyway. Maybe you could have delayed it by just letting her reach out instead and disappearing. See my post on ‘came across this gem”. But eventually it would have ended, especially now during these lockdown and quarantines and on top you had a LDR. Nothing you could have done. It’s going to be bad for the next few months, that’s the truth. Probably harder to get dumped now since you can’t really go out and meet people because of this COVID lie.
Best thing to do is to do something to take your mind off things. You’ll be ok after a few months , trust me.

 

[Avocadow]

Nah. I disagree. The ending was on the cards anyway. Maybe you could have delayed it by just letting her reach out instead and disappearing. See my post on ‘came across this gem”. But eventually it would have ended, especially now during these lockdown and quarantines and on top you had a LDR. Nothing you could have done. It’s going to be bad for the next few months, that’s the truth. Probably harder to get dumped now since you can’t really go out and meet people because of this COVID lie.
Best thing to do is to do something to take your mind off things. You’ll be ok after a few months , trust me.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Do you say the ending was already on the cards because I prob messed up before or because chemistry was just not high enough?

Im thinking prob both, when I noticed chemistry not that great I could have pulled back a bit instead I grew more attached. However I did suggest at some point perhaps what we had was a special friendship more than a relationship and she said she loved me, why would i say that?

Not that this matter too much, although it hurts. Ive read your post "came across this gem" and wish I could have acted on the signs to walk away earlier, not easy when she denied ever being any issue and that all was good between us.

 

[bcude]

Thanks for your thoughts.

Do you say the ending was already on the cards because I prob messed up before or because chemistry was just not high enough?

Im thinking prob both, when I noticed chemistry not that great I could have pulled back a bit instead I grew more attached. However I did suggest at some point perhaps what we had was a special friendship more than a relationship and she said she loved me, why would i say that?

Not that this matter too much, although it hurts. Ive read your post "came across this gem" and wish I could have acted on the signs to walk away earlier, not easy when she denied ever being any issue and that all was good between us.

People say LDR never work out in the end, because of a reason. They usually don't and there's not much you can do about it because prolonged physical distance is an attraction killer. Usually what happens after a couple of months when the immediate infatuation wears off, is that one of the parties "wakes up" into reality and the famous doubt starts to creep in. It's like stepping out of the fantasy world into the real world. When apart the mind creates fantasy versions of the other and the potential future life together, pedestalization takes place. Combine that with the fact that the mystery between you disappeared when you reciprocated your feelings for her, that's usually when she starts to show mixed feelings. I know it sounds horrible but ambiguity is scientifically proven to be more attractive than certainty and familiarity.
When you meet, the meetings need to be great and there needs to be a plan about the future to end the distance since women always want progress. If you felt no real chemistry then she most probably felt it too, especially once the honeymoon phase ended which increased her doubt about the whole situation.
What kind of health issues did she complain about? Could've been just an excuse from her side?

I've been in your shoes myself and i can tell you, when her feelings are gone and she starts to show arrogance it means her respect for you is almost gone. Then no matter what you do or say it will already be too late because your mere presence is annoying to her. Withdrawing is your only option. Not even relocating will be enough as i've learned the hard way (didn't do, but suggested).

When someone we care about withdraws, it's perfectly normal to want to fix it and pursue, but unfortunately that only makes everything worse. Don't blame yourself because of what happend at the end, try to learn the lessons and be better prepared for the future.
This lockdown certainly makes people think about their point in life and that could have been the last straw that made her breakup but it was already over before that. A woman who really wants you climbs mountains for you.

 

[mikey2012]

Thanks for your thoughts.

Do you say the ending was already on the cards because I prob messed up before or because chemistry was just not high enough?

Im thinking prob both, when I noticed chemistry not that great I could have pulled back a bit instead I grew more attached. However I did suggest at some point perhaps what we had was a special friendship more than a relationship and she said she loved me, why would i say that?

Not that this matter too much, although it hurts. Ive read your post "came across this gem" and wish I could have acted on the signs to walk away earlier, not easy when she denied ever being any issue and that all was good between us.

Well, LDRs are tough, unless you have the time and the money to be constantly seeing each other. For me I can make it work because I don’t have to work and I have the means to visit or pay for her to visit me. I don’t stay in one country for more than a few weeks at a time. For normal people the odds are against you since you probably have a job and so does she. That’s not saying I haven’t seen it work. One of my friends had a LDR and he eventually got and is still married.
Chemistry is never perfect and I wouldn’t blame it on that. Relationships are never meant to last. Accept that . Maybe if you weren’t so keen, then maybe it would have lasted a few months longer but who knows.
Women say I love you all the time. Don’t listen to words. See actions.

Where would you think the ending would be ? You guys getting married ? So if you look at this way, it was either she ending it or you ending it. Your next few relationships will probably end the same way. That’s the way it is.

it will get better over time . Thats for sure. Just try and take your mind off things . It will be hard I know. Especially now since we are all confined at home. i wish I could sugar coat things. Watch the movie “Swingers” with Vince Vaughn.

 

[Avocadow]

/QUOTE]

People say LDR never work out in the end, because of a reason. They usually don't and there's not much you can do about it because prolonged physical distance is an attraction killer. Usually what happens after a couple of months when the immediate infatuation wears off, is that one of the parties "wakes up" into reality and the famous doubt starts to creep in. It's like stepping out of the fantasy world into the real world. When apart the mind creates fantasy versions of the other and the potential future life together, pedestalization takes place. Combine that with the fact that the mystery between you disappeared when you reciprocated your feelings for her, that's usually when she starts to show mixed feelings. I know it sounds horrible but ambiguity is scientifically proven to be more attractive than certainty and familiarity.
When you meet, the meetings need to be great and there needs to be a plan about the future to end the distance since women always want progress. If you felt no real chemistry then she most probably felt it too, especially once the honeymoon phase ended which increased her doubt about the whole situation.
What kind of health issues did she complain about? Could've been just an excuse from her side?

I've been in your shoes myself and i can tell you, when her feelings are gone and she starts to show arrogance it means her respect for you is almost gone. Then no matter what you do or say it will already be too late because your mere presence is annoying to her. Withdrawing is your only option. Not even relocating will be enough as i've learned the hard way (didn't do, but suggested).

When someone we care about withdraws, it's perfectly normal to want to fix it and pursue, but unfortunately that only makes everything worse. Don't blame yourself because of what happend at the end, try to learn the lessons and be better prepared for the future.
This lockdown certainly makes people think about their point in life and that could have been the last straw that made her breakup but it was already over before that. A woman who really wants you climbs mountains for you.

Thanks Bcude, I appreciate your perspective which broadens the one I had, makes it easier to make sense.

The chemistry was good, just not high as in moments were there was coldness ...not deep connection, but mostly good.

Her health issues were real as later she became ill, however she used it to justify her coldness last time we spoke about the change in vibe.

It makes sense what you are saying, I wonder why the arrogance (almost like she did character assassination weeks before ending), unless maybe she noticed I invested more in her than her in me last few months and couldn't progress us meeting more other than 2 times a month travel which we had agreed. I guess those are the lessons i can take for this, on top of never taking LDR seriously again. Thanks for your feedback.

 

[Avocadow]

Well, LDRs are tough, unless you have the time and the money to be constantly seeing each other. For me I can make it work because I don’t have to work and I have the means to visit or pay for her to visit me. I don’t stay in one country for more than a few weeks at a time. For normal people the odds are against you since you probably have a job and so does she. That’s not saying I haven’t seen it work. One of my friends had a LDR and he eventually got and is still married.
Chemistry is never perfect and I wouldn’t blame it on that. Relationships are never meant to last. Accept that . Maybe if you weren’t so keen, then maybe it would have lasted a few months longer but who knows.
Women say I love you all the time. Don’t listen to words. See actions.

Where would you think the ending would be ? You guys getting married ? So if you look at this way, it was either she ending it or you ending it. Your next few relationships will probably end the same way. That’s the way it is.

it will get better over time . Thats for sure. Just try and take your mind off things . It will be hard I know. Especially now since we are all confined at home. i wish I could sugar coat things. Watch the movie “Swingers” with Vince Vaughn.

I hear you Mikey and understand. We had planned to meet twice a month before lockdown happened. It was possible at the time and also the idea of me relocating in the future. She said not worth it now as no plans to travel anytime near. I understand this was rationalisation of her loss of attraction.

I guess relationships can last if mutual value provided consistently? which in this case I stopped providing once not being a mystery and no travel possible.

It's harder now not to obsess about it even if finding distractions, but harder at home. Will def watch Swingers.Thanks!

 

[bcude]

Thanks Bcude, I appreciate your perspective which broadens the one I had, makes it easier to make sense.

The chemistry was good, just not high as in moments were there was coldness ...not deep connection, but mostly good.

Her health issues were real as later she became ill, however she used it to justify her coldness last time we spoke about the change in vibe.

It makes sense what you are saying, I wonder why the arrogance (almost like she did character assassination weeks before ending), unless maybe she noticed I invested more in her than her in me last few months and couldn't progress us meeting more other than 2 times a month travel which we had agreed. I guess those are the lessons i can take for this, on top of never taking LDR seriously again. Thanks for your feedback.

You know alot of the time it can also be the case that she just found someone closer to her and dropped you for him. Especially if she changed more or less over night, the point is that it doesn't have to be about something you did wrong. Then again, they can fall out of love over night too so she could've just "decided" but more often than not they start to get over you while being together with you, the problem is that we just don't see it because we're so full of lovey dovey emotions that we're blind to all the signals... until we get more experience or start reading about it in places like this. These things always tend to fizzle out unfortunately. You really need two dedicated people from the start to make it work and optimally there needs to be some relocation happening within the first 6 months or as soon as possible.

 

[mikey2012]

I hear you Mikey and understand. We had planned to meet twice a month before lockdown happened. It was possible at the time and also the idea of me relocating in the future. She said not worth it now as no plans to travel anytime near. I understand this was rationalisation of her loss of attraction.

I guess relationships can last if mutual value provided consistently? which in this case I stopped providing once not being a mystery and no travel possible.

It's harder now not to obsess about it even if finding distractions, but harder at home. Will def watch Swingers.Thanks!

How long were you in this relationship? Twice a month isn’t bad and you did flag longer term plans. I don’t think its loss of attraction. She might have had a low interest level to begin with or there maybe someone else closer to home, which is another indication of low interest.

i guess she rationalized it by think that the lockdowns and quarantines usually for 14 days now if you go to another country meant that it may be awhile for you two to get together again.

The mutual value thing is incorrect . You obviously valued her more and wanted to go on despite the current situation. Again it goes back to interest level. You had a higher interest level than her. I mean you could have thought the same and said ‘well screw it...I wasn’t in too her that much anyway, so this gives me a chance to end it’. At the end it comes to you liking her more than you. That’s not your fault though.
Maybe you could have played some games, like being aloof, unavailable and that may have increased her attraction to you but if her interest level came from a low base, this wouldn't have made a huge difference.

My advice is just try and forget it. Easier said than done but you have to. Delete her number and pictures and anything else that reminds you of her. Importantly try and do something so you don’t think about her.

I guarantee you all will be good in a few months.

 

[mikey2012]

You know alot of the time it can also be the case that she just found someone closer to her and dropped you for him. Especially if she changed more or less over night, the point is that it doesn't have to be about something you did wrong. Then again, they can fall out of love over night too so she could've just "decided" but more often than not they start to get over you while being together with you, the problem is that we just don't see it because we're so full of lovey dovey emotions that we're blind to all the signals... until we get more experience or start reading about it in places like this. These things always tend to fizzle out unfortunately. You really need two dedicated people from the start to make it work and optimally there needs to be some relocation happening within the first 6 months or as soon as possible.

Yes , my gut tells me theres another dude. Also I hate to say it but she is probably banging him, that’s how she made up her mind to be ruthless to you.

 

[Avocadow]

How long were you in this relationship? Twice a month isn’t bad and you did flag longer term plans. I don’t think its loss of attraction. She might have had a low interest level to begin with or there maybe someone else closer to home, which is another indication of low interest.

i guess she rationalized it by think that the lockdowns and quarantines usually for 14 days now if you go to another country meant that it may be awhile for you two to get together again.

The mutual value thing is incorrect . You obviously valued her more and wanted to go on despite the current situation. Again it goes back to interest level. You had a higher interest level than her. I mean you could have thought the same and said ‘well screw it...I wasn’t in too her that much anyway, so this gives me a chance to end it’. At the end it comes to you liking her more than you. That’s not your fault though.
Maybe you could have played some games, like being aloof, unavailable and that may have increased her attraction to you but if her interest level came from a low base, this wouldn't have made a huge difference.

My advice is just try and forget it. Easier said than done but you have to. Delete her number and pictures and anything else that reminds you of her. Importantly try and do something so you don’t think about her.

I guarantee you all will be good in a few months.

We were together 9 months meeting every 3 weeks on average.

I would honestly say her interest was high for the first 6-7 months. Only last month was low/ colder which was the time she felt sick ( and this I believe was true). However she also started seeing me differently and told herself a different story as our interactions last month and a half were colder, she would still have oneday a week where she would show her old self. I really thought it was due to her mood not feelinggood health and locked home. I did pull away.

I think her interest level on average was good, it would raise when in person and sex...gradually go down when 2/3 weeks apart. Maybe she did find someone else online or maybe the pandemic took away any chance of short term adventures together. The way she spoke/ looked at me last month was like someone quite cold, really different person.There was chemistry in person but I guess she realised this was not going to get better and prob worse.
I appreciate your thoughts man.

 

[mikey2012]

We were together 9 months meeting every 3 weeks on average.

I would honestly say her interest was high for the first 6-7 months. Only last month was low/ colder which was the time she felt sick ( and this I believe was true). However she also started seeing me differently and told herself a different story as our interactions last month and a half were colder, she would still have oneday a week where she would show her old self. I really thought it was due to her mood not feelinggood health and locked home. I did pull away.

I think her interest level on average was good, it would raise when in person and sex...gradually go down when 2/3 weeks apart. Maybe she did find someone else online or maybe the pandemic took away any chance of short term adventures together. The way she spoke/ looked at me last month was like someone quite cold, really different person.There was chemistry in person but I guess she realised this was not going to get better and prob worse.
I appreciate your thoughts man.

Actually I know how you feel. I’m going through a similar situation myself. The relationship dynamics and timeline are similar. My gut tells me there is someone else. I’ve had a lot of experience as I am twice divorced. The sudden coldness is usually because there is another guy in the picture and I’ve been on both sides. Most probably she is also intimate with the other guy. She is cold to you because she is trying to get rid of you. There’s nothing you can do to salvage the situation. Calling her out, ask her why she is doing this or even any relationship talk is futile. At the end of the day, relationships don’t last. She wasn’t into you as you were into her so she bounced. It may have been the other way around.
The only thing you can do now in drinking parlance is an “English exit`’. Don’t say anything. Not even goodbye , good luck, take care. `There‘s no point. Just vanish. Block her number. This is very important . If you don’t you keep looking at your phone. Blocking her number means you won’t be doing this and it will be easier to forget.
Next steps are work on yourself. Go to the gym. Take a up a new hobby. Go out with friends if you can. ah I forgot we are still living in the COVID lie.
I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you. I know it’s hurting but continued contact will prolong the pain. Relationships are never balanced. She had the power because you cared more. Nothing you can do.
Best thing to do is to get on with your life. This wont be the last time.
I guarantee you, if you come back to this thread in a few years, you would be wondering what the big deal is about. Even the thought of her getting gang banged will have zero effect on you.

 

[Mike41090]

so I’ve been around 6 months of complete no contact since the second she broke up with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and I’ve barely uttered a peep to them about the break up and let them find out on their own. About a week ago she texted me for the first time sending condolences about a family member that passed away. I Just said much appreciated. Then she asked how I’m doing and what not and I kept it light but very brief and very short and made sure it was less than a five min exchange. I dk I’m kinda a little pissed she even hit me up like that because I can’t not respond to someone wanting to pay thier respects to a serious situation like that right? Anyways I plan on continuing no contact (even though I guess I broke it under circumstances).

 

[Lynx nkaf]

so I’ve been around 6 months of complete no contact since the second she broke up with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and I’ve barely uttered a peep to them about the break up and let them find out on their own. About a week ago she texted me for the first time sending condolences about a family member that passed away. I Just said much appreciated. Then she asked how I’m doing and what not and I kept it light but very brief and very short and made sure it was less than a five min exchange. I dk I’m kinda a little pissed she even hit me up like that because I can’t not respond to someone wanting to pay thier respects to a serious situation like that right? Anyways I plan on continuing no contact (even though I guess I broke it under circumstances).

don't sweat it, you handled yourself good.

an ex got ahold of me 11 years later to wish me condolences on a death in family.
After googling my name they saw the obituary. I let 4 phone calls each progressively longer until I realised they were seeking validation. (no mistaking it)

I changed my number, lol!!

 

[Mike41090]

don't sweat it, you handled yourself good.

an ex got ahold of me 11 years later to wish me condolences on a death in family.
After googling my name they saw the obituary. I let 4 phone calls each progressively longer until I realised they were seeking validation. (no mistaking it)

I changed my number, lol!!

Jeez, an ex seeking validation 11 years later through a death in your family? Some people just really never change with stunts like that. I honestly find that more sad than anything lol not even joking

 

[Lynx nkaf]

Jeez, an ex seeking validation 11 years later through a death in your family? Some people just really never change with stunts like that. I honestly find that more sad than anything lol not even joking

I did too.

Its amazing how they suck you back in. The compliments, talking about old sex life, insisting you were special to them.

But then what? Within those 4 phone calls I began to see the old personality traits I didn't approve of. Or I should say, accept.
My pity was triggered because I thought they must be desperate after 11 years.

I have to watch how I react to my feelings of pity that come up, especially that type of scenario from the past.