The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Lozboss]

Insidout- you need to stay NC- BLOCK and Delete- get her from your life. She doesn't exist anymore.

It hurts- it's horrible but it's time to start healing. It's her loss and while the pain is more in the short term it's more damaging to stay than go.

If you don't have friends over then you need to go and make new ones- easier said than done right?

Use this breakup as a catalyst to improve yourself.

 

[Insidout]

The second half of DAY 2 was almost unbearable, I tried to cheer myself up and go out but everything reminded me of her, I ended up more depressed and more lonely..

On my way home, SHE TEXTED ME! she wanted to see how am I doing..
you might be wondering what kinda breakup is that! the reason as I mentioned before, is that we both still like each other, I miss her alot and I know she does too. but there are some reasons and obstacles that made the breakup happen..

Anyway, she asked how am I doing. when I got home an hour later, I replied: "I'm fine thanks".. she tried to initiate a dialogue by asking about stuff but I had to make it short which annoyed her, I felt bad and explained to her that I'm doing that and avoiding the contact on purpose, because I want to heal and forget, and that I don't want us to be friends at all, and these small conversations won't help anyone.. I made my point that I don't want the breakup to happen, but it did, and now I have to move on.. to my surprise she said she doesn't want it to happen either!.. I want her back and she wants me back too,.. both of us said it loud and clear!
I guess me staying away for the past 2 days made her realize that I'm serious about this, and made her think again about her decision.

We spent the next two hours arguing about the reasons that made us breakup, I tried to fix things, we had a small fight.. but we ended the conversation without actually deciding what to do now.. as I mentioned above we both said that we want things to get back to normal, but didn't set rules or made points to re establish the relationship..

And now I feel even worse, I know she wants me and I want her, but the reasons behind our breakup remain the same.. I don't know what to do...
- Do I avoid contacting her again? wouldn't that ruin my chances after we said we want things to get back to normal?
- Do I contact her and try to re establish the relationship? but she's the one who chose to breakup in the first place, I'm confused..

 

[Insidout]

Insidout- you need to stay NC- BLOCK and Delete- get her from your life. She doesn't exist anymore.

It hurts- it's horrible but it's time to start healing. It's her loss and while the pain is more in the short term it's more damaging to stay than go.

If you don't have friends over then you need to go and make new ones- easier said than done right?

Use this breakup as a catalyst to improve yourself.

You're absolutely right, but I'm afraid it's a little more complicated than that as we both still like each other and none of us actually wanted that to happen.. it's just happened due to some obstacles and circumstances.. please refer to my previous reply for more details.

 

[Cejay]

Tough call.

I decided that if my ex contacted me and wanted to get back together that I'd insist on a cooling off period - 2-6 weeks seemed reasonable.

You're only on the first few days, you've admitted you're a bit of a mess. Why not go/stay NC for a period, say 2-4 weeks? and see where you guys are.

CJ.

The second half of DAY 2 was almost unbearable, I tried to cheer myself up and go out but everything reminded me of her, I ended up more depressed and more lonely..

On my way home, SHE TEXTED ME! she wanted to see how am I doing..
you might be wondering what kinda breakup is that! the reason as I mentioned before, is that we both still like each other, I miss her alot and I know she does too. but there are some reasons and obstacles that made the breakup happen..

Anyway, she asked how am I doing. when I got home an hour later, I replied: "I'm fine thanks".. she tried to initiate a dialogue by asking about stuff but I had to make it short which annoyed her, I felt bad and explained to her that I'm doing that and avoiding the contact on purpose, because I want to heal and forget, and that I don't want us to be friends at all, and these small conversations won't help anyone.. I made my point that I don't want the breakup to happen, but it did, and now I have to move on.. to my surprise she said she doesn't want it to happen either!.. I want her back and she wants me back too,.. both of us said it loud and clear!
I guess me staying away for the past 2 days made her realize that I'm serious about this, and made her think again about her decision.

We spent the next two hours arguing about the reasons that made us breakup, I tried to fix things, we had a small fight.. but we ended the conversation without actually deciding what to do now.. as I mentioned above we both said that we want things to get back to normal, but didn't set rules or made points to re establish the relationship..

And now I feel even worse, I know she wants me and I want her, but the reasons behind our breakup remain the same.. I don't know what to do...
- Do I avoid contacting her again? wouldn't that ruin my chances after we said we want things to get back to normal?
- Do I contact her and try to re establish the relationship? but she's the one who chose to breakup in the first place, I'm confused..

 

[Cejay]

What's your strategy on cooling her down?

In my case, she's recently separated from her husband and growing attached quickly. It happens, I was like that when I first split, too.

I might chat with her but I also might just be a lot less available and ignore more of her texts. What is with women and texting these days??? Don't they do any work at work?

Re: FB. I blocked my ex wife when we broke up, we had lots of mutual friends too and that did the trick. She's still blocked.

CJ.

NC : almost one month..

Today was tough day. Thought about ex a lot. I've never been religious except when times are terrible and right now being a little bit spiritual is helping me.

CJ: we have the same problem. I'm dating a girl, but I'm not super interested in her. Will have to talk to her too.

Insidout: if I understand your post, you are living alone for the first time of your life, due to your breakup. I'm 32 and when she left, I kept the apartment and realized that I was going to be living 100% alone (no roommate) for the first time. That not easy. For the first 2 weeks, DO NOT STAY ALONE. invite friends every day. This is crucial. Do not stay alone. And do not contact her. I did a lot of that in the month following my breakup. All it will do is reset NC.

To everyone : I have a stupid question related to social media. I unfriended her on Facebook but we have 41 friends in common. What it does is that I keep seeing her profile pic on friend's profiles. Wtf am I suppose to do with that ? Right now, she still have the same pic but I really don't want to see her next one.

 

[Cejay]

Day 29 is coming to a close.

Busy day with work. Thought about her a little bit but nothing serious. I pushed the thoughts out. The pitty party is over.

Logged into FB and wiped out her friend this morning.

I listened to the latest podcast on "The New Man" which is about starting over after relationships end, not bad. They recommended a book called "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover. Kindle says I'm ~ 33% through it. Not bad, I can relate to some of the guys in there. I'll finish it tonight or tomorrow.

If you're a nice guy it might be worth a read. So far, so good. I'll let you know if its worth it after I finish it.

I changed some settings on OLD and am now getting lots of action from young women (late 20s).
Got asked out again by one of the women I'm seeing, not really interested, dropping that plate. Definitely have to cool the recent separated one. She's in love.

CJ.

 

[Wisconsin144]

The second half of DAY 2 was almost unbearable, I tried to cheer myself up and go out but everything reminded me of her, I ended up more depressed and more lonely..

On my way home, SHE TEXTED ME! she wanted to see how am I doing..
you might be wondering what kinda breakup is that! the reason as I mentioned before, is that we both still like each other, I miss her alot and I know she does too. but there are some reasons and obstacles that made the breakup happen..

Anyway, she asked how am I doing. when I got home an hour later, I replied: "I'm fine thanks".. she tried to initiate a dialogue by asking about stuff but I had to make it short which annoyed her, I felt bad and explained to her that I'm doing that and avoiding the contact on purpose, because I want to heal and forget, and that I don't want us to be friends at all, and these small conversations won't help anyone.. I made my point that I don't want the breakup to happen, but it did, and now I have to move on.. to my surprise she said she doesn't want it to happen either!.. I want her back and she wants me back too,.. both of us said it loud and clear!
I guess me staying away for the past 2 days made her realize that I'm serious about this, and made her think again about her decision.

We spent the next two hours arguing about the reasons that made us breakup, I tried to fix things, we had a small fight.. but we ended the conversation without actually deciding what to do now.. as I mentioned above we both said that we want things to get back to normal, but didn't set rules or made points to re establish the relationship..

And now I feel even worse, I know she wants me and I want her, but the reasons behind our breakup remain the same.. I don't know what to do...
- Do I avoid contacting her again? wouldn't that ruin my chances after we said we want things to get back to normal?
- Do I contact her and try to re establish the relationship? but she's the one who chose to breakup in the first place, I'm confused..

Stay away. If she truly wanted you back she would make the largest initiative you could think of. She's just missing all of the attention you gave her. I'd recommend staying out of her life and continuing no contact, it's the smartest thing you can do!

-Jared

 

[Wisconsin144]

Day 40

Day 40 coming to a close. It's been a long journey but I've been seeing real progression in these last 10 days or so. I literally cringe at how I acted when we were dating. It's a nice time to reflect, I see what I can do better for my next girl. But the thing that hasn't changed is that I know she is GONE, once you accept this it's like nothing else, it just clicks and you don't think about her as much. I still suffer from post-breakup loneliness, but that's gotten a bit better after getting back into my hobbies that I truly enjoy. The only person I need to make me happy is myself. I still can't believe I've made it two thirds of the way through this challenge! I'm also going to look into that book that was discussed above, sounds like a good learning experience! Keep up the good work everybody, live your life for you, not for them.

-Jared

 

[drake33]

Day 40 coming to a close. It's been a long journey but I've been seeing real progression in these last 10 days or so. I literally cringe at how I acted when we were dating. It's a nice time to reflect, I see what I can do better for my next girl. But the thing that hasn't changed is that I know she is GONE, once you accept this it's like nothing else, it just clicks and you don't think about her as much. I still suffer from post-breakup loneliness, but that's gotten a bit better after getting back into my hobbies that I truly enjoy. The only person I need to make me happy is myself. I still can't believe I've made it two thirds of the way through this challenge! I'm also going to look into that book that was discussed above, sounds like a good learning experience! Keep up the good work everybody, live your life for you, not for them.

-Jared

Glad you're doing well man. I may look into the book also, although Im not the greatest reader. Self improvement as a man is something we should always strive for. In a relationship or not. Stay strong.

 

[Lozboss]

I'm going to read that book!

I might take a break from women all together for a few months- concentrate on stuff in my life and getting fit again.

I'm being affected quite alot by some of my new dating not going well and I think this may be because I'm emotionally fragile at the moment? Thoughts?

Anyway NC day 6.

 

[Cejay]

Lozboss,

Congrats on day 6.

On the book, I related to several examples of "Nice Guy" on various levels. I've got a long way to go on the advice part. Mauser's endorsement holds a lot of water with me. I'm a fast reader so I'll probably read it through, give some time and then read it again as he did.

The Rational Male books I & II are also great. If you're not reading them, you need to. They are multi-iteration readers (for me) as well. There's a lot there to absorb. I will read books quickly but those ones are read, stop, think, read, reflect types.
Another book that I highly recommend, especially to young men is Bachelor Pad Economics. I believe these 3 books should be mandatory reading for all men, especially young men. (Better late than never )


On your other comments about taking a break from women. I completely agree. I am spinning a few plates but I might let them fall. I am DEFINITELY not going to be exclusive with anyone, anytime soon.

Women consume our resources, especially time. In my case I'm considering investing a lot more of my free time in growing my career (courses, writing) and getting fit via Martial Arts & gym. I branch out on in my own business in a few years and I need to work on that now.

When you dedicate to one person you pretty much know what you're doing on the weekends and stop accepting new invitations and making new fun. Depending on your lifestyle you can miss out on a lot.

Like you I'm also a little emotionally fragile and need to stop looking to women for approval to be happy. Happiness needs to come from within.

CJ.

I'm going to read that book!

I might take a break from women all together for a few months- concentrate on stuff in my life and getting fit again.

I'm being affected quite alot by some of my new dating not going well and I think this may be because I'm emotionally fragile at the moment? Thoughts?

Anyway NC day 6.

 

[Cejay]

Jared,

You're wise beyond your years. Good for you man.

CJ.

Day 40 coming to a close. It's been a long journey but I've been seeing real progression in these last 10 days or so. I literally cringe at how I acted when we were dating. It's a nice time to reflect, I see what I can do better for my next girl. But the thing that hasn't changed is that I know she is GONE, once you accept this it's like nothing else, it just clicks and you don't think about her as much. I still suffer from post-breakup loneliness, but that's gotten a bit better after getting back into my hobbies that I truly enjoy. The only person I need to make me happy is myself. I still can't believe I've made it two thirds of the way through this challenge! I'm also going to look into that book that was discussed above, sounds like a good learning experience! Keep up the good work everybody, live your life for you, not for them.

-Jared

 

[Lozboss]

thank Cejay.

I'm not so much a 'nice gu'y but in my last relationship and since dating my ex (no longer as I've walked away) I've given too much without receiving anything in return.

It's hard but I'm GOING to be MORE self centred and selfish about my happiness.

I'll look into the Rational Male for sure.

EDIT: Been reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy' - Wow what a great book. Not all of it is relevant but some of it really hits home.

 

[Wisconsin144]

Jared,

You're wise beyond your years. Good for you man.

CJ.

Thank you very much. Been following your progress too! Keep it up. Smile and go through the day. Life gets better, and in fact, had this all by happened, I wouldn't be the man I am today. I'm thankful for it I've realized. It's so weird.

-Jared

 

[Insidout]

DAY 3..

I took your advice, I decided not to call her even after we both expressed our desire to get back together, I just won't..
I gotta say it felt much better when I found that she's trying to get back after I started this NC..

DAY 4..
She sent me some congratulations message on my educational achievement at university, along with a nice picture that reminded me of our relationship, this felt too deep, my emotional conflict reached a new level! I'm making a huge effort to keep myself from thinking about her but she's not helping.. actually what she did was really nice I couldn't be rude or tell her to stay away..

I kept myself busy all day then replied to her 10 hours later with a thankful message, she started asking me about my day and how everything is..
The temptation to keep the conversation going was killing me, but at the same time I know this isn't good for me, so I simply pointed out that I'm still not over what happened and if she wanted us to get back together, she has to realize she's the one responsible for our breakup and the reasons remind the same unless she does something to fix that, then left the conversation..

I really though this girl is the one, I still do.. this relationship was the best I've had with a girl.. I feel terrible, and I'm afraid if she doesn't try again, this means it's definitely over

 

[Lozboss]

DAY 3..

I took your advice, I decided not to call her even after we both expressed our desire to get back together, I just won't..
I gotta say it felt much better when I found that she's trying to get back after I started this NC..

DAY 4..
She sent me some congratulations message on my educational achievement at university, along with a nice picture that reminded me of our relationship, this felt too deep, my emotional conflict reached a new level! I'm making a huge effort to keep myself from thinking about her but she's not helping.. actually what she did was really nice I couldn't be rude or tell her to stay away..

I kept myself busy all day then replied to her 10 hours later with a thankful message, she started asking me about my day and how everything is..
The temptation to keep the conversation going was killing me, but at the same time I know this isn't good for me, so I simply pointed out that I'm still not over what happened and if she wanted us to get back together, she has to realize she's the one responsible for our breakup and the reasons remind the same unless she does something to fix that, then left the conversation..

I really though this girl is the one, I still do.. this relationship was the best I've had with a girl.. I feel terrible, and I'm afraid if she doesn't try again, this means it's definitely over

Back to day 1 for you. I know it's hard mate but you broke NC- she used an emotional draw and sucked you in.
At least you stayed strong afterwards.

To reiterate- NO CONTACT.

You have to be willing to walk away and never look back.

NC day 7 for me

I've felt sh*t today, really low- just trying to pick myself up for a date tonight.

 

[Cejay]

That was nice of her. Of course you both still care and that's why I think NC is effective for us and necessary.

In some ways I'm jealous. After I gave my ex her stuff back (I was not home for this) I wished she'd break NC, I wanted to know that she still cared but in just as many ways I am glad she didn't.

Looking at your and other struggles it is causing you a lot of internal conflict. It would to me, too.

I'm reading your language as a 3rd party outsider and seeing things that concern me.

DAY 3..

I really though this girl is the one, I still do.. this relationship was the best I've had with a girl.. I feel terrible, and I'm afraid if she doesn't try again, this means it's definitely over

^^ This in particular. I don't think you can set yourself free and heal until you accept that it is over. I don't know what it takes for you to decide this.

CJ.

 

[Evolvedchode]

Day 32:
Been a while since I last posted here. Things have gotten LOTS better since then. I had a chat with my ex and my manager together. Ended the work issues and actually gave us some closure. Haven't felt upset or anything at all anymore. I miss her body a little, but that's really all. Her leaving me behind has given me an opportunity to be amazing and move up on the ladder of women, and everything else in life.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do. What I've done so far:
Quit online gaming (long term addiction)
Spending more time doing things I'm passionate about. Big things like Lifting plates 5 times a week, but also small things like properly matching clothes before leaving the door.
Got laid. I'm not much of an experienced women seducer, but it did confirm for me what I already know deep inside: I can pull just fine.
Signed up for a course in hand massaging.
Redecorated my apartment. Looks fly.
Entered in a Progression picture contest at my lifting association. In 6 months pictures will be taken to see who has made the best gains.
Reconnected with my friends and family(this has more to do with quitting gaming than it has with NC, but I did prioritize her over everyone else in my life).
And most importantly, my mind is no longer cursed with thoughts of a woman who in reality was never really that great to me. I can rest, lift, study and live without her popping up every 5 minutes. Gonna keep doing NC and see where it goes.

 

[Cejay]

Day 31

First, thank you to all of you for your support. Its a real help, I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.

I do still think about her. I catch myself and redirect my thoughts, telling myself that they are pointless.

I need to get a lot busier so am starting some online courses and going to amp up my gym time and writing, focus on career.
It sucks because summer here in AZ means = inside, kind of like winter everywhere else.

I'm torn on plates, might let them all drop. I'm getting lots of interest on OLD but having a hard time escalating to the meet, which sucks some of them are late 20's and hot.
I find that I'm losing interest in women. I don't see that as a bad thing per se. I don't see how a 6-12 month break could be all that bad. (Feel free to comment on this)

CJ.

 

[Insidout]

^^ This in particular. I don't think you can set yourself free and heal until you accept that it is over. I don't know what it takes for you to decide this.

CJ.

I think my problem is, I need a closure..
I'm torn between my rational decision of moving on, and my desire to get back with her (especially with all the attention she's giving me, she won't leave me alone to heal and forget.. maybe she wants to get back with me but waiting for me to make the move, I don't know but I don't think I'll make that move..)

To speak my truth, I'm not over her and I don't want to be, I want her back and I'm doing this NC thing hoping that she would re think her decision, which obviously she did but still won't admit it.. she's just too stubborn!

Back to day 1 for you. I know it's hard mate but you broke NC- she used an emotional draw and sucked you in.
At least you stayed strong afterwards.
NC day 7 for me
I've felt sh*t today, really low- just trying to pick myself up for a date tonight.

Come on bro, I didn't contact her at all! if anything I pushed her away when she tried to contact me, believe me these 4 days were the hardest in all my relationship life and experiences,..

I understand that you feel sh*t and low, if I were you I don't think I can go out on a date yet, I just can't.