The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[StuffofLegends]

I also now see how by responding I pretty much told her all those things that I didn't technically say but did say by responding D: Also opening up this door lead to me social media stalking today on my day off D: New month tomorrow and new NC challenge! Thankful for this group and hope to help others here as I learn to be stronger.

 

[Lotus Effect]

^^^
I know that unfortunately now Lotus I wish I had come here and talked to you guys before responding but I didn't... I am a "noob" at all of this and learning. The only positives I take away from how I handled the message was that I didn't go all AFC and tell her how much I loved and missed her, think about her, how she has crushed me and shattered my heart, etc. (I wanted too...) I refrained from all that thank God! Plus, she had no idea that knew she was with someone else. I think she has to think, "Dang.. This whole time he knew I already had someone else and didn't even try to contact me and cry about it???"

However, I fully agree that SILENCE and NC are more powerful and would have been more effective in this situation. If I get another chance then cool and if I don't I just continue working on myself, becoming a better man, and attracting the right lady.

Thanks for the tough love, sir! Appreciate ya!

No worries mate! I'm not here to pat you in the back and tell you it will be ok!
Life is though, and we have to thoughen it up! My only intent is to help, even though I get a little bit too extreme!

Anyway, I've quoted your message for one reason. Because you do Have another chance...

...You have another chance to shut it.

Never to be heard or seen again! Just shut it! Wheter she shows up or not. Remain in -273Cº cold shut! Absolutely cold!

This is something you haven't quite got yet. NC is powerful indeed. But not in the intent of bringing a b*tch back. NC is powerful because it is a daily struggle.

A struggle against many urges...
The urge to call her. Text her. Check her facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Whatsapp last seen. To check her door!

NC is a powerful tool because it hardens you. You might get a little bit (or a lot) jaded in the process. But it is something that is part of the process, and it wears off!

And no worries about being a noob. We are all noobs at something in some point of our lives.
The difference that separetes the winners from the loosers, is the hability to chance in extreme situations.

And I guarantee you...
This is an extreme situation!

Cheers!

 

[Genos]

Wise words from Yoda:

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/only-pain-you-will-find.jpg

This yoda quote was more helpful than you know man, holy ****. Thank you so much for that..

 

[Cerwin Vega]

http://youtu.be/2wdKlWXyUkc?t=6m36s

Hope; it is the source of our greatest strength and our greatest weakness.

I can honestly say I still have a little bit of hope left for her to contact me again. My ego is craving that tiny bit of validation. To hear her telling me she's sorry, she made everything up and just wanted to make me jealous or whatnot.

But...I'm not delusional. I know what she did and I know I can't accept her back even though I crave her every molecule. This sh!t is very hard to deal with, and I believe experiences like these flip our perception of the world to the point where physical changes are being made to our brain.

I can feel like EVERYTHING is so different now. It's just like the red pill on Matrix - I'm struggling to accept the world as it is, my old perception seemed so comfortable and warm; These Disney tales of unconditional love were just so perfect!

I got slapped in the face with the cold truth.

I think I posted this here before, but it fits here perfectly:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Vg4uyYwEk

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward! That's how winning is done!

@PairPlusRoyalFlush, I totally agree with you.
When I first initiated NC, my ex went crazy and started contacting me 5 times every day, leaving messages and whatnot.
If I were to take her back, I would have never known about her diabolic plans and the late night talks with her new boyfriend (and most likely even more than just talks).

I don't know and don't wish knowing what the hell she was thinking. On my Ground Zero day she told me that she contacted me because she really wanted me, she was going crazy and I turned my back on her wheres the new boyfriend was always there for her.
Fvck that **** man, I'm stunned with the amount of bullsh!t she said!

If we would come back together, it would would've lasted...2 weeks? 2 months? Until she would again grow tired and the vicious cycle would continue.

I'm telling you man, this behavior should be weeded out. She's definitely not the last girl to pull this type of sh!t on me and I'm certain of it.
I love women, but realizing this just dropped their value to zero in my eyes.

I may sound like a total chump but I'm at a phase where:
- Women cannot be trusted
- Women will fvck you up mercilessly no matter how deep in sh!t you are
- Women cry about double standards all the time while being the fvcking definition of a DOUBLE STANDARD
- Women cannot love unconditionally(*)

(*) I remember my ex had a blowup of acne at the age of 18. She was always crying on my shoulder on how she hates her face and she looks horrible.
To tell you the truth? It was horrible. 50% of her face was covered in acne, I felt really bad for her.
What did your man CerwinVega do? I accepted her. I knew what her face REALLY looks like and to be honest, most of the time I didn't even notice her acne.
Not because I'm a sociopath, but because I was really connected to her and couldn't care less about her acne.
So I bought her tons of expensive cosmetic products which within a year fixed her acne. She was grateful. But her memory didn't last for long.

When she had acne, nobody hit on her. People even said mean things to her. She was calling me all the time, coming over to my house as a "surprise" and being the best girlfriend a guy can have.

Once her face was fully healed, she started getting attention; Guess what? No more calls, no more "surprise" visits, no more "best girlfriend".
She forgot who got her out of that fvcking mess.

Oh man I wish her acne will blow up again. I wish she would get fat and ugly because she's fvcking desperate to validation. There wasn't a single day where she wasn't validated by someone.

 

[Shaka]

Hey CerwinVegaFan

I think I can relate as something similar happened to me (not acne, but more like financial things...)
I didn't come with an answer yet. But I think I'm bitter toward women now.
I know I must accept what they really are. They're just different from men.
Not putting them on the pedestal makes you realize a lot of things : they're not loyal, their morality is on probation ...

But is it really a rule to live by ? I don't know. I think they're still good girls out there. Sure, they aren't to many nowadays but still...

So in the end, you'll have to protect your heart. What's happening in your life now will make you very strong. What you'll learn here will help you in the task of protecting your heart and not give a shat. Overall, being dumped might be a good experience that will be useful in other part of your life too

 

[Lion1985]

~ ~ ~ ~ 100th day ~ ~ ~ ~

Kick off for da next 100 :moon:

 

[Noyou]

It still sounds like you are all doing this to get them back. Stop, it won't work. DO IT FOR YOU

 

[StuffofLegends]

@CerwinVegaFan

I can relate.. My X was very socially awkward, weird, and a bit chubby (she's been gaining that weight back lately) when we first met but I saw her potential when nobody else did and loved her. She said that is something she would never forget... I boosted her confidence and developed her personality. We spent last summer running every morning together and we both lost weight. (This summer I did but she hasn't at all) I'll be dang if that girl hasn't totally ripped off my personality an tries to act almost identical to me with her new group of friends. Funny how quick they forget about the ppl who cared and gave a crap about them when no one else even noticed them...

Anyways dude.. All we can do is improve ourselves and move on... I don't personally want to be with an unappreciative flusy who can just forget who we were and the love we gave them.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

Man, we must stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start fvcking. This is ridiculous - they're out riding c0ck and we sit here moping around. They're not ****ing special, they're not pure, they're not good girls, they're exactly the same so every other girl out there.

I need to start approaching, FVCK THIS DRY SPELL.

 

[StuffofLegends]

Heck yeah! More I think about it her personality and humor is 1 thing I miss the most probably because I was so influential in helping her find herself.. Now other people get to enjoy her company while she puts me on the outside of her life...

Which I can do nothing about. All I can do is be wise and heal. I should get out more but I'm just not motivated. Banging chicks from the bar just doesn't appeal to me. I want something real again with someone who will stay loyal. All I do is run till the sun goes down and read till I fall asleep each night. Wake up and go to work, then repeat... I can't even sit and watch tv or movies anymore like a normal person... I miss her presence being there and enjoying it with her.

Those days are gone now though and I have to be strong for myself. Day 1 no contact started over for me today and has gone successful. So that's a positive. I go to get new clothes Sunday since I've lost so much weight and going back to school at the end of the month to finish my degree. That should keep my mind and time occupied. It's tough.. My heart goes out to every one of you guys here. Keep on keeping on!!

 

[Lotus Effect]

I'm basically writing an essay that I'm about to post, but I had to tell you this one piece of advice Stuff'O

Put things on perspective. In one side you have tenacious dude, focused on his life and growth. Working like a mother flipper. Running like a dude from kenya. And reading to sort his mind and strive to become someone better.

On the other side, you have a dude burning his neurones watching TV, that only gets you dumber, and getting self and ego validation from a regular chick.

Think for a bit which one would you rather be.

As a hint, I can assure you that the first dude has way more chances to become somthing in his life, than the second one!

Embrace your destiny dude! Become the better man. Become the best man.

One day, you will find a girl that is worth of that man in the making. And she will be so glad that she has found such man, that she will never want to leave him.

And one day, your former girl will know how great you has become, and will deeply regret the that she dumped you so many summers ago. You may or may not be aware of this. But this is not your business anymore, and she will be the one that will have to endure her consequences!

Be the first man! Cheers!

 

[RolandRo]

the girl i have been dating for 2 months has just LJBF me, she told me she was still thinking of her ex, she didn't get over him and she wants to be at least friends untill she gets over him, because she doesn't want to hurt me.. bla bla bla. She was acting distant and i could feel the low interest.

Long story short:

Two months ago, I made an account on a dating site. I wasn't really expecting anything and I sent a message to the first cute girl. She was new to that site, so she asked for my facebook account. The next days I totally forgot about her, so she opened the conversation with me on facebook. Soon, she asked for my number and to meet me. She took me out on a date, a walk at the beach in Athens, Greece. I felt like her interest level was high. After the first date, she said something like : "it was nice to meet you". After this, I asked her out one week after, never on weekends. She cancelled the date in the last moment, invoking a sore throat. I wished her to get better and told her goodbye. She told me we can arrange it for other time. I called her one week after the date break and got a date with her. We went together at the beach. She was interesting and interested. I haven't spent a penny on her, I never do. I took her hand while walking on the street, everything went fine. She mentioned me that she had only one relationship in her life, one year relationship, she split up with him 3 months ago, now the guy is married, but she is still in love with him. I didn't knew this would be my downfall. I listened to her and gently changed the subject.
Two days after the second date, I was going to the sea to swim, and saw her coming inside the tram. I saluted her, she was amazed we met by chance and she invited me to go to the sea with her and one of her girl friends. We went there, all went cool, I was very relaxed.
I made the mistake of beeing too needy and her interest level dropped. She promised me a date before going in her home country for two weeks. Told me she will call me to set it up. She never did.. So I was a chump and confessed to her my feelings and asked if she wants to see eachother again, because I don't like playing games.
Now she went for a summer job in an island of Greece and she returns in October.

I texted Leda from time to time and here are some text samples:

1) sorry for not writing u these days ,on friday i came from work exhausted so i ate ad then slept on saturday i came from work and there was my friend at my home so we saw a movie and then i slept...today i am packing my stuff for albania..u are right but i am confused because there's a guy that i cant forget but i cant have him ,i am still thinking about him so that dont leave to move on,,i also am concerned about the fact that u are younger than me..i like very much yout attitude,personality and u in general and i would love it if u stay at least friend so that to know each other more..i am leaving to albania so i hope that we ll talk again when i come back..!! have a nice time!!! )

2) my trip was ver tired and i got lot of emotion,and the worse of all is that since i came back to athens i feel exhausted and sick,i cant move my feet ..u are so so sweet and i appreciate your words ,u are a great guy and u deserve only the best!! thats why i am not telling u if u are gonna have something together cause i dont want to hurt u i want to be totally sure that i dont feel anything for him when i will move on ,i want u to try and understand me cause i am filing so bad inside.... I am sooo glad that u got a scholarship wish u the best!!yes we will meet one day and go there together but this week i am not sure ause i feel exchausted and i have so many things to do with job and with some
pappers

She promised me we will meet that week and when I called her on Sunday, she told me she is going in Lefkada Island for a summer job the next day. I asked to see her one last time and she declined politely. I was very pissed and still am, if I wouldn't have called her, she wouldn't have told me she was going for the job.

I decided to write her that I will go NC. She wrote me this

2) u are so sweet ,your words are so touching...u re right its a bad time...i like u very much as a person but right now because i have some other stuff in my mind i cant forget them but i am trying so hard that i am sure i will manage to stop all this thoughts i wish u to have a great time in romania and i will be very happy when u come back to text me and hope things will be better...enjoy your summer too : ))))

I am oficially on the 25th day of NC, but won't hurt if I pretend i start all over from day 1. So here it goes, day 1 of NC !

 

[StuffofLegends]

Hahaha! YES! Thanks so much, Lotus! The BEST man it is and I'm about to soar in altitudes my ex can't even breathe in!!! Man, I wish I had known about this group years ago! Glad to be here now tho

 

[Lotus Effect]

Yeah! But it is always like this!

And even if you knew about here, you wouldn't care about it until you've got yourself into this situation!

Good thing you are here now. And most importantly, it is never too late!

 

[StuffofLegends]

Day 2 NC almost over.. Still think about her way more than I want... Mainly tormented with thoughts of her and the other guy having sex and other intimate stuff they are probably doing..........

If we happen to run into each in person do I speak? If no I can manage that if yes I wouldn't want to give more than a head nod and a hey then keep going...

Also anybody have any insight on the mental state of the dumper who branch swings right into another relationship right after you? Are they using this new relationship as a means to not deal with their feelings for you, sweep them under the rug, but will they eventually resurface and have to be dealt with? I know many say she already checked out of the relationship way before the break up but with my Ex we were walking around our church after service one Sunday the week before she broke up with me and planning where we were going to stand at our wedding?!

I would think we are dealing with the break up demons as they should be properly dealt with and if they are hiding and burying their emotions into someone else I would think that would eventually bite them and be harder on them later.. Would that be accurate to assume or am I way off?

 

[Lotus Effect]

Dude!

I don't think you've quite got what I've told you.

You are still on day 2. I'm in day 300 somethings.
We've broke up for over an year now.

And I still think about her waaaaay more than I'd like to.
As I've told. This is a long long ride.

Just buckle up, 'cause it will get way worse than what it is right now!

It gets better eventually, but you'll still think about her way more than you'd like to!

 

[Noyou]

Day 2 NC almost over.. Still think about her way more than I want... Mainly tormented with thoughts of her and the other guy having sex and other intimate stuff they are probably doing..........if she is doing that right after the breakup or short amount of time after the breakup, then she's a ho. Even if you had feelings for her, she took you for granted/lied to you/committed betrayal. Stop thinking about it, if in fact she is doing this (which it shouldn't matter) she never really took you seriously.

If we happen to run into each in person do I speak? If no I can manage that if yes I wouldn't want to give more than a head nod and a hey then keep going...Don't even acknowledge her, if you have to just smile, say hi and be on your way. If she wants to talk, politely turn her down, if she continues and prys any just simply laugh and walk away. It may eat you up inside but she will see you being happy and it WILL KILL HER EGO.

Also anybody have any insight on the mental state of the dumper who branch swings right into another relationship right after you? Trying to get over you/being a ho/other dumb**** thoughts that no full functioning adult individual will have Are they using this new relationship as a means to not deal with their feelings for you, sweep them under the rug, but will they eventually resurface and have to be dealt with? Yes, but don't wait on it I know many say she already checked out of the relationship way before the break up but with my Ex we were walking around our church after service one Sunday the week before she broke up with me and planning where we were going to stand at our wedding?! saying and doing are 2 different animals my friend

I would think we are dealing with the break up demons as they should be properly dealt with and if they are hiding and burying their emotions into someone else I would think that would eventually bite them and be harder on them later.. Would that be accurate to assume or am I way off?

You right now are in the process in finding out who you really are and probably in the process of growing. This girl who you were with spoke all these sweet somethings in your ear, gave you decent sex just to gratify you and keep you hanging on. But I promise you, you probably had problems, some which she contributed to, some you did. However I will tell you, from experience, I was at your stage now.

Who is she sleeping with?
Does she have someone else?
What if?....
Etc etc


It does no good to dwell on such things, you are wasting what valuable time you have on this earth. By the time you keep self doubting yourself and thinking what she is doing, you'll be old.

Old and frail and just despairing on what you could have had, what women, friends, family you could have had in your life and miss out on the many things that this world has to offer.
Doesn't that scare you?
Doesn't that piss you off?
This woman you gave your all to, told you loved her, cared for her and what did she do?

Betrayed you

If she won't stick around you for your best and worst, she can rot somewhere

You live and love yourself, for yourself, by yourself, and a promise you, if she was meant to be for you, she'll come back. And if she doesn't, someone better will replace her and she will have her "choice" of boys amongst men out there, and trust me, there are a lot more of those punks ass boys than men out there.

It's how it works, it's the way it always works

Don't despair, there are plenty of women amongst girls out there, just be you and let yourself unfold to the universe.

You really have to work on yourself and truly make this work FOR YOU
NOT FOR HER, she's a *****, and keep telling yourself that.

 

[StuffofLegends]

Got ya, Lotus! Thanks!! I'm doing my best dealing with the pain, enduring, and just living life. All I can do.. Try to keep my head up and smile

Noyou, thanks so much for breaking it all down for me! Really gives me a lot of clarity an helps some with the closure that she pretty much didn't allow me to have with the cruel way she ended things. Which is exactly why I'm better off without someone like that in my life. Just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head lol.

Day 3 NC has been good. This time around I'm doing NC the right way. Previously I was in NC externally (no calls, messages, etc.) but was still very much so in contact internally (social media stalking). Not made it out the darkness yet but on the right track. Thanks again guys, means a lot.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Yeah man...

That is the spirit! As I've said previously, you've got to go through phases.

I was not a radical No contacter at first. What happened was I've begun to see that despite anything I've done, nothing was changing... At least for better.

So, also as I've said, I fully support you, or anyone in here for that matter, doing lots and lots of stupid sh*t. You can only learn from your mistakes, not from mine. Many guys gave me excellent advice when I first got here. Even my friends gave me excellent advices...

But I've failed to listen all of this advices at first, because I had to go and be stupid myself. Eventually, I got what everyone was saying, and applied to my self. To late to have any effect on the ex...

...But it was too late before it was over, so that is ok!

Good thing is, and this is the valuable prize at the end of this ride, is that you'll be wiser, and stronger!

Peace!

 

[StuffofLegends]

Appreciate the support!

Woke up this morning feeling really empty.. She came to mind which is normal but the not having her in my life anymore seems so much more REAL right now. Like I can truly feel a sense that she's really gone... I haven't even looked at her picture in 3 days or checked to see if she's updated her facebook profile pic or anything.

Posting in here has been very therapeutic. Day 4 NC begins...