The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Cerwin Vega]

Day 5 of NC, could be day 95

I'm actually quite happy I talked to her and got this huge kick to my balls when she told me everything about the sex with her new boyfriend.

I'm highly motivated now, more than ever!

 

[StuffofLegends]

Day 5 NC begins...

Still waking up with a strong sense of emptiness.. Having withdrawals it feels like... Strict NC makes the break up and departure of the former love more real, the idea of loss is stronger.

However, I feel like true healing is slowly taking place. I get small doses of wisdom about moving on that will flicker in my mind. They seem small and don't last as long as I need for them too but I'm hoping these are all signs to recovery.

I work with a girl who I think is into me and very attractive. I feel bad though because the more I think about pursuing her I get really nervous and shy away. I almost feel like it's angered her or frustrated her some. Maybe the stress of my break up and the whole idea of trusting someone else again is too much for me to deal with right now? I hate it though because I would love the company of a female! I know of 2 or 3 social gatherings this week that I'm gonna try to force myself to go too... I never feel like doing anything but know these may help me get back to a normal state of mind being around people.

Hope all is well guys!

 

[Cerwin Vega]

@StuffofLegends You shouldn't go after that girl, if anything - you should STAY AWAY from her for a while.

Why?
Get your **** together. You are radiating loneliness and depression, which will screw up your chances with this chick - and in the long run she will be no more than a "run away" relationship you use to mask the pain of loss.

 

[Lion1985]

103th Day of NC

Damn, yesterday was a tough day, nearly caved in.

- I wanted to hear some songs which remind me of her -> RESISTED!
- I wanted to sniff at her Tshirt -> RESISTED!
- I wanted to login at her Facebook -> RESISTED!
- I wanted to see some pics from her -> RESISTED!
- I wanted to stroll in her region, looking up to her window -> RESISTED!

Why I had such a "power" and "composure" to resist?
I thought with LOGIC and RATIONALITY

Evertime I catched me thinking about doing this bull**** I talked to myself:

What does that do for me?
What does that do for me?
What does that do for me?

-> Only Pain I will find!

I repeated it several times till I cooled down.

 

[pbsurf]

The details aren't important - NC broken (text) on both sides. Sat AM... Which crushed me because I got all those feelings back. So. Spent all day Sat and Sunday in bed. Literally all day both days, with maybe 3 hours outside.

Then text from her last night. Meaningless.

I have been so messed up about all of this - and I know that she is just a small part of what I need to figure out. There is no going back to try again.

I just need to move on. I haven't blocked her number or her facebook. I know that is the right thing to do.

But i just can't. I feel that is weak. That I am weak.

I can't understand how one person can make me feel this way. It was only 10 months.

 

[MattTheW]

The details aren't important - NC broken (text) on both sides. Sat AM... Which crushed me because I got all those feelings back. So. Spent all day Sat and Sunday in bed. Literally all day both days, with maybe 3 hours outside.

Who sent the first text, you or her?
Worst thing you could do, even if you do text her is staying in bed, KEEP BUSY. Keep your life moving....the weekends for me are the worst because mon-fri work keeps my mind busy and then I have loads going on in the evenings.....weekends I have more time to fill with things to do

Make sure you aren't moping around, make plans all the time

Then text from her last night. Meaningless.

Was that a surprise? did you honestly think it would be any different?
Did you get what you wanted from this?

I have been so messed up about all of this - and I know that she is just a small part of what I need to figure out. There is no going back to try again.

Glad you are finally coming to this realisation, however, you need to improve yourself.......weekends in bed alone is time wasted on working on yourself.......

I just need to move on. I haven't blocked her number or her facebook. I know that is the right thing to do.

I did the same, kept my ex's number and facebook completely open.......eventually the novelty of facebook wears off
and with regards to the texts
DONT INITIATE
if she wants you she'll get in contact, and when that happens you decide...
is it a sh1t test, is it an ego boost, or something else
once you've decided where the message falls you decode whether you want to reply or not......

What I had to do with another girl was change her name to "YOU DONT HAVE TO ANSWER"

reading that each time kinda helped me.......

But i just can't. I feel that is weak. That I am weak.

I can't understand how one person can make me feel this way. It was only 10 months.

You're weak because you put this woman at the centre of you universe, you allowed yourself to orbit around her, with her now gone you have a black hole....

what you need to do is rebuild, shift yourself into the centre of your universe (as it should be) and then allow people into that universe
Never let someone else be the centre of your universe, this will always lead to trouble.........

 

[pbsurf]

Who sent the first text, you or her?
Worst thing you could do, even if you do text her is staying in bed, KEEP BUSY. Keep your life moving....the weekends for me are the worst because mon-fri work keeps my mind busy and then I have loads going on in the evenings.....weekends I have more time to fill with things to do

Make sure you aren't moping around, make plans all the time


Was that a surprise? did you honestly think it would be any different?
Did you get what you wanted from this?


Glad you are finally coming to this realisation, however, you need to improve yourself.......weekends in bed alone is time wasted on working on yourself.......


I did the same, kept my ex's number and facebook completely open.......eventually the novelty of facebook wears off
and with regards to the texts
DONT INITIATE
if she wants you she'll get in contact, and when that happens you decide...
is it a sh1t test, is it an ego boost, or something else
once you've decided where the message falls you decode whether you want to reply or not......

What I had to do with another girl was change her name to "YOU DONT HAVE TO ANSWER"

reading that each time kinda helped me.......


You're weak because you put this woman at the centre of you universe, you allowed yourself to orbit around her, with her now gone you have a black hole....

what you need to do is rebuild, shift yourself into the centre of your universe (as it should be) and then allow people into that universe
Never let someone else be the centre of your universe, this will always lead to trouble.........

Thanks. I don't know how to break up the quotes, but the bottom line is we are both keeping this alive for some reason. Its been two months.

I texted Sat in a moment of weakness. Stupid. She had texted every other week and I just gave short, disinterested responses. Then... I caved. Told her I missed her but was mad -accused her of what I knew - that she was lying and most likely cheating. She said i was delusional, but changed the subject. I know what I know. But still, it planted a seed that maybe i overreacted.

Everything you say is spot on - i made her the most important person/thing in my life, not because she is so amazing, but because I wanted to escape from the pressures i have. Getting older, failed marriage, kids, high pressure job, even my drinking, all of that disappeared when I was with her.

I know how that sounds, trust me. I have worked hard in the last two months to move on. Or at least I thought I was working hard.

I wish there was a way to make a clean break. She is still the only thing on my mind right now, because of the text last night, which again, was nothing, just her trying to get an ego boost or stay friends.

I feel like I need to tell her to stop texting, stop contacting me. I still need her approval for Christ's sakes.

Its like i'm a little boy.

Just hope this is the bottom..

 

[Lion1985]

What I did with Facebook:

I deactivated my account 2 months ago.
Dont wanted to delete my ex, so its an compromiss.
Also wanted to disappeare, completely going ghost.
Maybe I will reactivate it in several months.

 

[pbsurf]

What I did with Facebook:

I deactivated my account 2 months ago.
Dont wanted to delete my ex, so its an compromiss.
Also wanted to disappeare, completely going ghost.
Maybe I will reactivate it in several months.

Yeah - good call.

Did you block her phone #? If so, did you let her know?

 

[MattTheW]

Yeah - good call.

Did you block her phone #? If so, did you let her know?

Don't let them know - there's no need, all you do there is let them know that they still have a grip on you

Personally I don't block because I find the hard truth (that they don't call or text me) helps more than wondering if they are trying to contact and are blocked.....

It's your call

 

[pbsurf]

You're weak because you put this woman at the centre of you universe, you allowed yourself to orbit around her, with her now gone you have a black hole....

what you need to do is rebuild, shift yourself into the centre of your universe (as it should be) and then allow people into that universe
Never let someone else be the centre of your universe, this will always lead to trouble.........[/QUOTE]





I need to tattoo this on my hand.

I just cut and pasted into my own journal. Thanks.

The metaphor of the black hole is genius and unfortunately true. What is nuts is that i have a very fulfilling life - great kids/job/health etc. But underlying all of this over the last few years was unhappiness and a "need" for someone to fill that void.

Wish me luck. Taking my kids out of town for a few days so i think that will help.

 

[pbsurf]

Don't let them know - there's no need, all you do there is let them know that they still have a grip on you

Personally I don't block because I find the hard truth (that they don't call or text me) helps more than wondering if they are trying to contact and are blocked.....

It's your call

Well, she has been texting - at least she did last night and I"m obviously not close to being over her because it has really consumed me today.

I feel like I need to text her that she needs to cut the contact out - but that gives my power away i know. Such a crazy concept - on one hand we are not supposed to care what they think on the other hand we don't want them to think that we are not over them...

 

[Lion1985]

Yeah - good call.

Did you block her phone #? If so, did you let her know?

1)

Dont letting them anything know while you are getting absolutely ghost is also the power of NC, if you let them know they will not be "surprised", hamsters run best in silence!

2)

No, I dont blocked her phone.
What I did is I deleted her number, so I dont have to see her at Whatsapp.
She can contact me if she wants.

 

[pbsurf]

1)

Dont letting them anything know while you are getting absolutely ghost is also the power of NC, if you let them know they will not be "surprised", hamsters run best in silence!

2)

No, I dont blocked her phone.
What I did is I deleted her number, so I dont have to see her at Whatsapp.
She can contact me if she wants.

And what if she does contact you? Just curious


What i've noticed is that NC has gotten her to reach out every other week via meaningless text - and because I still like her, it is really messing with me. I told her weeks ago to NOT contact me anymore. Three weeks later -she did. Which i should have ignored.

Anyway, same deal last night. its killing me, because i've gone through my own hell dealing with it all, without contacting her.

 

[Lion1985]

And what if she does contact you? Just curious


What i've noticed is that NC has gotten her to reach out every other week via meaningless text - and because I still like her, it is really messing with me. I told her weeks ago to NOT contact me anymore. Three weeks later -she did. Which i should have ignored.

Anyway, same deal last night. its killing me, because i've gone through my own hell dealing with it all, without contacting her.

Well, in some days I am 4 months of NC.
So im emotionally way more distanced as I was in the beginning.
To be honest, I dont fvck my mind with "What if she contacts me, blablabla.." anymore.
You should completely kill the hope and let her go.
What if she contacts me?
Well, depends on the text
A simple "How are you,blah blah" bullsh1t will be ignored, that shows me she wants to push her ago.
If she apologizes and so on I maybe want her as fvckbuddy.
Once I want to fvck her like she never was fvcked before, humiliating her like a wh0re, squirting on her face, leaving her saying "I have to go.." and never look back
Time will tell

 

[pbsurf]

Well, in some days I am 4 months of NC.
So im emotionally way more distanced as I was in the beginning.
To be honest, I dont fvck my mind with "What if she contacts me, blablabla.." anymore.
You should completely kill the hope and let her go.
What if she contacts me?
Well, depends on the text
A simple "How are you,blah blah" bullsh1t will be ignored, that shows me she wants to push her ago.
If she apologizes and so on I maybe want her as fvckbuddy.
Once I want to fvck her like she never was fvcked before, humiliating her like a wh0re, squirting on her face, leaving her saying "I have to go.." and never look back
Time will tell

ha - that's good.

I am trying to let go, really. I haven't once asked her if she wanted to try again, or to get together. i think she misses me but also misses the power she had over me.

I'm a total mess, and it isn't her fault entirely, she's just the trigger.

if i thougth she'd never contact me again, i'd be better i think - i'm just literally in fear that she will reach out every few weeks

I went on a couple of dates with a new chick who's actually pretty cool - a bit boring but i can tell she likes me. Nice body too...

But all i can think about is crazy ex...

 

[MattTheW]

ha - that's good.

I am trying to let go, really. I haven't once asked her if she wanted to try again, or to get together. i think she misses me but also misses the power she had over me.

This is what she misses - and the messages are just so she knows she still has power over you

I'm a total mess, and it isn't her fault entirely, she's just the trigger.

I used "the 7 habits of effective people" by Stephen Covey.
It's for work / personal development.
I was recommended it by a manager in work, but it actually helped me more with my breakup than it has with work......

I think you would do well to read some of it, just to see how you have structured your universe and why it fell apart, and how you can prevent this in the future
I found it as a pdf online, so just do a search for it

if i thougth she'd never contact me again, i'd be better i think - i'm just literally in fear that she will reach out every few weeks

You need to get to the indifference of the contact....that takes time
My ex has text me and rung me, it doesn't bother me one bit. and that's where you need to be......

This is the way I go:
If she rings, decide whether to answer or not
If I answer then she has to have a really good reason for calling.....if not, then "sorry, have to go....INSEERT BS REASON HERE"
eventually they get the hint that unless its something major you no longer have time for them

Same with texts,
Text comes in, have a quick look see what it's about, if its general chit chat bollox then straight on the backburner, go about whatever I was doing
Maybe i'll reply, but usually I genuinely forget about it until the next message comes in weeks later.....

I went on a couple of dates with a new chick who's actually pretty cool - a bit boring but i can tell she likes me. Nice body too...

But all i can think about is crazy ex...

YOUR EX IS GONE!!!

You need to refocus
Think of what you need to do for yourself to better yourself.
I made a list of hobbies/things I wanted to do and I'm working through it, keeps me busy and I meet loads of new people all the time.

You got kids, so maybe focus on them a bit as well.

don't rush into anything with this new girl, go on dates and have fun - use her to get over the ex (and I don't mean use and abuse - utilise), just don't fill the void at the centre of your universe with her, that space is just for you.....

 

[pbsurf]

"You're weak because you put this woman at the centre of you universe, you allowed yourself to orbit around her, with her now gone you have a black hole...."


Hey Matt, I was going to PM you - but figured i'd let the rest of the board/forum know that for whatever reason, this is the single best piece of advice/analysis I have gotten on this subject. Period.

Therapy sessions, hundreds of posts read, and this is what is getting me past all the nonsense. Just got up and went for a walk, got some fresh air, and the black hole analogy was all i could think of. In a good way.

Figuring out what my life should revolve around - and its not as easy as "my kids" or "my job" or whatever - that is the trick. And its definitely not some chick.

The funny thing is that as i started focusing on this, i could feel my attention shifting away from her, and she became just another person. AND, (this is important to me i guess) I wasn't as angry at her. I realized that she isn't the cause of all this stuff in my head.

 

[pbsurf]

This is what she misses - and the messages are just so she knows she still has power over you


I used "the 7 habits of effective people" by Stephen Covey.
It's for work / personal development.
I was recommended it by a manager in work, but it actually helped me more with my breakup than it has with work......

I think you would do well to read some of it, just to see how you have structured your universe and why it fell apart, and how you can prevent this in the future
I found it as a pdf online, so just do a search for it



You need to get to the indifference of the contact....that takes time
My ex has text me and rung me, it doesn't bother me one bit. and that's where you need to be......

This is the way I go:
If she rings, decide whether to answer or not
If I answer then she has to have a really good reason for calling.....if not, then "sorry, have to go....INSEERT BS REASON HERE"
eventually they get the hint that unless its something major you no longer have time for them

Same with texts,
Text comes in, have a quick look see what it's about, if its general chit chat bollox then straight on the backburner, go about whatever I was doing
Maybe i'll reply, but usually I genuinely forget about it until the next message comes in weeks later.....


YOUR EX IS GONE!!!

You need to refocus
Think of what you need to do for yourself to better yourself.
I made a list of hobbies/things I wanted to do and I'm working through it, keeps me busy and I meet loads of new people all the time.

You got kids, so maybe focus on them a bit as well.

don't rush into anything with this new girl, go on dates and have fun - use her to get over the ex (and I don't mean use and abuse - utilise), just don't fill the void at the centre of your universe with her, that space is just for you.....

The only book i've flipped through recently was the 7 habits... Good stuff.

Thanks again - your advice is gold.

I've gone through cycles lately - surfing/going to the gym/stopped drinking, then followed by days where i sleep 12 plus hours... Its very gradual, but i am heading in the right direction i think.

Right now i just want to have fun with my kids over the next few days - Road trip - Your advice helped light a fire under me so thanks.

 

[pbsurf]

OK, last post. Seriously.

I have gotten some great advice, and also spend a bit too much time on this site. So I've asked to be banned. (Tells you a bit about my self control)

I've been far to focused on women over the last several years. Lots of fun, lots of headaches. Maybe the silver lining of this recent breakup is that I'm just not as interested in them as much right now. And if that's the case, this site is not a great use of my time.

But i could come back some day with better insight and some new experiences.



Good luck everyone, and thanks for the help!