Renegade357
Master Don Juan
falecomnetto said:
Welcome to the friend zone dude. Tell her your dog is sick or something. We don't do friend stuff with people we're trying to have secks with unless it's our g/fs withOUT the X.
The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
Welcome to the friend zone dude. Tell her your dog is sick or something. We don't do friend stuff with people we're trying to have secks with unless it's our g/fs withOUT the X.
Looking for advice
So I'm new here just looking for advice. I'll try and run through what I'm going through. On day I got a letter on my door from my downstairs neighbor saying I know your roommate moved out and my sister just moved back from Spain and can't find a place, and her boyfriend is going to move in so she needs a place to stay for a few weeks until she finds something and 3 people are just too much. I met her she is 25 and beautiful and said she could stay until she finds something. She stayed for two weeks and we got along great. Her sister and boyfriend split and she moved downstairs with her sister. From there we started seeing each other a lot, hooking up, just having a great time together. The whole building a relationship with her was going great we have lots of chemistry.
One day she was hot and cold I asked her what's up she was confused everything was moving so fast she needed space to figure herself out. I gave it to her. When we spoke next she came up to my place. She looked so down and it looked like she had been crying I've never seen her not happy. I sat her down asked if she was ok? She said no her stomach has been turning for days. She said it's really hard for her because she really likes me and cares a lot for me but because of where she's at in her life it's not fair to me to keep it going when she is trying to get her stuff together. She's looking for a career I'm successful and she feels we are at two different spots. So I didn't freak out told her I care for her too I understand and maybe one day you'll look back and see everything we went through was really good but I can't sit around and wait. So good luck and I will give you all the space in the world.
This happened 2 days ago I'm going ino contact I really like her a lot and want to be with her and I know she likes me. This really sucks I finally found someone for me and it was perfect and now nothing. I really want her back but I know if I push it will push her farther away. She lives right underneath me! Uggghhhhhhhh this is really hard on me. Do you think there is any chance for us again? I need advice I'm going to stick to no contact deleted everything of hers. Help me please.
So I'm new here just looking for advice. I'll try and run through what I'm going through. On day I got a letter on my door from my downstairs neighbor saying I know your roommate moved out and my sister just moved back from Spain and can't find a place, and her boyfriend is going to move in so she needs a place to stay for a few weeks until she finds something and 3 people are just too much. I met her she is 25 and beautiful and said she could stay until she finds something. She stayed for two weeks and we got along great. Her sister and boyfriend split and she moved downstairs with her sister. From there we started seeing each other a lot, hooking up, just having a great time together. The whole building a relationship with her was going great we have lots of chemistry.
One day she was hot and cold I asked her what's up she was confused everything was moving so fast she needed space to figure herself out. I gave it to her. When we spoke next she came up to my place. She looked so down and it looked like she had been crying I've never seen her not happy. I sat her down asked if she was ok? She said no her stomach has been turning for days. She said it's really hard for her because she really likes me and cares a lot for me but because of where she's at in her life it's not fair to me to keep it going when she is trying to get her stuff together. She's looking for a career I'm successful and she feels we are at two different spots. So I didn't freak out told her I care for her too I understand and maybe one day you'll look back and see everything we went through was really good but I can't sit around and wait. So good luck and I will give you all the space in the world.
This happened 2 days ago I'm going ino contact I really like her a lot and want to be with her and I know she likes me. This really sucks I finally found someone for me and it was perfect and now nothing. I really want her back but I know if I push it will push her farther away. She lives right underneath me! Uggghhhhhhhh this is really hard on me. Do you think there is any chance for us again? I need advice I'm going to stick to no contact deleted everything of hers. Help me please.
Renegade357
Master Don Juan
Cali-83 said:
Yeah, you'll feel sick for a few weeks dude. Sorry. Best thing you can do is stay busy. Hang out with some friends, drink some booze and whatever you do don't initiate contact with her. In about a month or two you'll really start to feel better.
I know that feeling of total gutwrenching desperation every time you think of her. It's like no other pain imaginable and it really fvcks with your head too.Cali-83 said:
The good news is that it does get easier. Last week I was lying on the floor crying and feeling like I couldn't handle another minute of living like this, but now I'm able to smile and laugh again, and get on with my life.
It's only been 30 days and still hurts, but I'm coping ok and seeing things more clearly now. I owe all that to No Contact. It's allowed me to distance myself from the source of my pain and allowed me to experience my life without her. More importantly, it has saved me the pain of continual rejection, which most people keep experiencing every time they reach out to their ex.
I'm going to post a few tips in my next post that might help in the mean time.
Best of luck mate!
Renegade357
Master Don Juan
Mine contacted me about 6-7 weeks into NC via facebook about belongings. I ignored that. Then she sent me a text about a week later again about belongings which I gave a short response to. "Keep them"Cali-83 said:
If they contact you don't get all emotional. Take whatever they say at face value. Don't just assume they want back in your life. Make them do some work if they want back in. Like actually force them to take a risk and admit they were wrong or miss you or something. Trying to weasel their way in indirectly won't cut it. That's how I feel anyway. Also if she has to be a good girl/person like mine is. Can't be a trifling soul eating wench.
Not this time. We broke up before earlier in the year and I went no contact for 3 weeks. She missed me like crazy during that time and poured our her heart to me and we got back together.Cali-83 said:
However, all the problems in our relationship were still the same and it broke down again...but much worse this time. I realised that break ups happen for a reason and you have to learn from them. If you jump back together, it will break down again unless you take plenty of time out to recognise why you broke up.
I started no contact again this time hoping she'd come running back to me, but as the weeks passed, I realised this is more about my healing than trying to get her back. Now, I have come to see that it is better for me to move on.
I really appreciate all the support I'm so glad I found this blog. I really felt less of a guy feeling the way that I do I'm glad I'm not the only one out there. I'm only on day two it really sucks knowing that we both really like each other and the only reason we aren't seeing each other is because she's not right with herself at the moment. Even though I think she's awesome. We'll see if she misses me but I need to work on myself. I felt like I handled it very well no begging just understanding and good luck finding yourself. You want space I'll be the man on the moon.Jariel said:
I felt EXACTLY the same. I felt so emasculated by this break up, so weak and pathetic, but as many of the guys here pointed out: you're not pathetic, you're just grieving.Cali-83 said:
A lot of guys will tell you, "get over it" or "move on" or "stop thinking about her" and yet you would never say this to someone who was mourning someone who died.
Likewise, guys who tell you to go and find another woman don't really get it at all. Your girlfriend was obviously very special to you and you built a very close and intimate bond. You can't just replace her with another woman, just as you can't replace a lost parent or sibling.
Most guys here know that and that's why they are so supportive.
There are no magic pills or miracles to help you get over a break up, but here are some small tips that have been helping me get through my days. I thought I'd share. There are a lot more, but I'll post those in a day or two...
Take some time each day to grieve
Each day, take some private time where you indulge your thoughts about her and let out all those emotions. Cry about it and allow yourself to mourn your loss.
See it as a purging of your sorrow and pain, as you would flush away poison from your body. Think of those great times you had together, how much you will miss her and allow yourself to feel the pain.
In the beginning, you might need a couple of time outs per day, but try to limit it to 30 minutes each session. As the days go by, try to cut down to one time out per day, then gradually reduce the time you spend grieving.
Don't be hard on yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or femininity. It's a natural healing process and everything you are going through is normal. You are going through a time of both grief and trauma. It's not healthy to repress how your feeling or pretend that this doesn't hurt. When you keep pushing it down and carrying it round with you, it builds up and it gets worse. So just let it out!
You will usually find that having these crying sessions will leave you with a sense of relief and allow you to continue your day in a more functional way.
Stop Romanticizing the Relationship and Think Realistically
Basic human psychology indicates that people place more value what they cannot have or that which they fear losing. Therefore people who have just been dumped tend to value the unavailable person more than ever and this is the root of post break up suffering.
It’s common for the person who was dumped to romanticize the lost relationship and place their lost lover on a pedestal. They will keep reflecting on all the good times, all the excitement, the love and affection they felt, the sweet little things and gestures their partner did for them, how beautiful they were and focus on everything they have lost.
However, in reality, no relationship is perfect. It’s not all happy times, romance and love, and the chances are if you have broken up now there was a period of time towards the end of the relationship that wasn’t good at all. Perhaps you were arguing more often, taking each other for granted or you noticed a drop in affection or lack of sex and excitement. This is the reality of your relationship and this is most likely the way it would continue into the future.
So for this exercise, I recommend writing how you would see your relationship 6-12 months from now when the excitement and romance of the “honeymoon” period has worn off. Focus on all the negatives of the relationship, the times you were bored or dissatisfied, the annoyances, when your ex wasn’t making much effort, when she wasn’t looking so attractive, when you felt under pressure or unappreciated. Think about the times you longed for more excitement or found your mind wandering to other women. Use these examples to write a typical day in your life as a couple. Think about getting the groceries, doing chores around the house and the usual mundane things that couples do.
Now have a think about your life once you are over her. Think about dating again, getting to experience a first kiss with a girl, the kind of wild sex that only happens at the beginning of a relationship, and how you would do things differently with all the lessons you have learned from your break up. Think of the extra freedom you have to hang out with mates, enjoy recreational activities and hobbies, and the freedom to choose your own future.
This helps to see the relationship for what it was and what it would become if you continued, and it will give you a very different perspective on moving on without her.
EFT and PSTEC
These aren’t miracle cures and in my experience, they are not long term solutions either, but they did help to take the edge off my pain.
EFT is an exercise that involves tapping certain points on the body while saying how you feel. The idea is to try and release the emotion. Here is a useful video to demonstrate. Give it a try and see if it helps:
http://youtu.be/GaEJrluQ9HQ
PSTEC is a less known series of exercises which uses tones and tapping as way of scrambling thoughts in your mind and disassociating them from the emotions they invoke. I have only used the basic free audios and I recommend them.
http://pstec.org/
Sometimes, I get no relief at all, then other times they seem very affective and give me respite from the pain for the rest of the day. If it fails first time, try again.
I will often use this when I start to feel low again and feel myself re-living painful aspects of the break up or thinking about how much I miss her.
Watch the Movie "Swingers" with John Favreau and Vince Vaughn
Such an insightful movie and really helpful to watch during a break up.
Reflect on the Lessons you have learned from your break up
Pay attention to the things that may have contributed to your break up. Were you too available, too accommodating, too "nice" or were did you sulk and throw tantrums when you didn't get your own way?
Did you get complacent? Did you stop proving to be a challenge, stop keeping her on her toes? Did you let her walk over you and not stand up for yourself?
Do some reading on attractive male behaviour or alpha male traits and really think about how you fvkced up. This will serve you really well if ever you decide to reconcile and help you to avoid making the same mistakes again, or it will serve you well in future relationships.
For now, understand that this break up happened for a reason and there's something to be learned from it. It hurts like hell, but this is a good thing, because it will drill those lessons deep into your head and make sure you never do it again!
What's more, this pain will make you stronger and will give you valuable experience for the future. This is all part of your evolution as a man.
Take some time each day to grieve
Each day, take some private time where you indulge your thoughts about her and let out all those emotions. Cry about it and allow yourself to mourn your loss.
See it as a purging of your sorrow and pain, as you would flush away poison from your body. Think of those great times you had together, how much you will miss her and allow yourself to feel the pain.
In the beginning, you might need a couple of time outs per day, but try to limit it to 30 minutes each session. As the days go by, try to cut down to one time out per day, then gradually reduce the time you spend grieving.
Don't be hard on yourself. This is not a sign of weakness or femininity. It's a natural healing process and everything you are going through is normal. You are going through a time of both grief and trauma. It's not healthy to repress how your feeling or pretend that this doesn't hurt. When you keep pushing it down and carrying it round with you, it builds up and it gets worse. So just let it out!
You will usually find that having these crying sessions will leave you with a sense of relief and allow you to continue your day in a more functional way.
Stop Romanticizing the Relationship and Think Realistically
Basic human psychology indicates that people place more value what they cannot have or that which they fear losing. Therefore people who have just been dumped tend to value the unavailable person more than ever and this is the root of post break up suffering.
It’s common for the person who was dumped to romanticize the lost relationship and place their lost lover on a pedestal. They will keep reflecting on all the good times, all the excitement, the love and affection they felt, the sweet little things and gestures their partner did for them, how beautiful they were and focus on everything they have lost.
However, in reality, no relationship is perfect. It’s not all happy times, romance and love, and the chances are if you have broken up now there was a period of time towards the end of the relationship that wasn’t good at all. Perhaps you were arguing more often, taking each other for granted or you noticed a drop in affection or lack of sex and excitement. This is the reality of your relationship and this is most likely the way it would continue into the future.
So for this exercise, I recommend writing how you would see your relationship 6-12 months from now when the excitement and romance of the “honeymoon” period has worn off. Focus on all the negatives of the relationship, the times you were bored or dissatisfied, the annoyances, when your ex wasn’t making much effort, when she wasn’t looking so attractive, when you felt under pressure or unappreciated. Think about the times you longed for more excitement or found your mind wandering to other women. Use these examples to write a typical day in your life as a couple. Think about getting the groceries, doing chores around the house and the usual mundane things that couples do.
Now have a think about your life once you are over her. Think about dating again, getting to experience a first kiss with a girl, the kind of wild sex that only happens at the beginning of a relationship, and how you would do things differently with all the lessons you have learned from your break up. Think of the extra freedom you have to hang out with mates, enjoy recreational activities and hobbies, and the freedom to choose your own future.
This helps to see the relationship for what it was and what it would become if you continued, and it will give you a very different perspective on moving on without her.
EFT and PSTEC
These aren’t miracle cures and in my experience, they are not long term solutions either, but they did help to take the edge off my pain.
EFT is an exercise that involves tapping certain points on the body while saying how you feel. The idea is to try and release the emotion. Here is a useful video to demonstrate. Give it a try and see if it helps:
http://youtu.be/GaEJrluQ9HQ
PSTEC is a less known series of exercises which uses tones and tapping as way of scrambling thoughts in your mind and disassociating them from the emotions they invoke. I have only used the basic free audios and I recommend them.
http://pstec.org/
Sometimes, I get no relief at all, then other times they seem very affective and give me respite from the pain for the rest of the day. If it fails first time, try again.
I will often use this when I start to feel low again and feel myself re-living painful aspects of the break up or thinking about how much I miss her.
Watch the Movie "Swingers" with John Favreau and Vince Vaughn
Such an insightful movie and really helpful to watch during a break up.
Reflect on the Lessons you have learned from your break up
Pay attention to the things that may have contributed to your break up. Were you too available, too accommodating, too "nice" or were did you sulk and throw tantrums when you didn't get your own way?
Did you get complacent? Did you stop proving to be a challenge, stop keeping her on her toes? Did you let her walk over you and not stand up for yourself?
Do some reading on attractive male behaviour or alpha male traits and really think about how you fvkced up. This will serve you really well if ever you decide to reconcile and help you to avoid making the same mistakes again, or it will serve you well in future relationships.
For now, understand that this break up happened for a reason and there's something to be learned from it. It hurts like hell, but this is a good thing, because it will drill those lessons deep into your head and make sure you never do it again!
What's more, this pain will make you stronger and will give you valuable experience for the future. This is all part of your evolution as a man.
soulforge
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2013
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- 6,191
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- 4,929
i actually feel like crying tonight
the first time since the break up... i miss some of the good times we had
but better to go through this pain now, then suffer much much worse futher down the line
i know deep in my heart, at some point this woman would have crushed me
the first time since the break up... i miss some of the good times we had
but better to go through this pain now, then suffer much much worse futher down the line
i know deep in my heart, at some point this woman would have crushed me
soulforge
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2013
- Messages
- 6,191
- Reaction score
- 4,929
Cali-83 said:
in my case, it was me who dumped her... then 5 days later she started talking to some other dude...
i don't know if they are seeing each other... but still hurts... kind of feel like, if i had not dumped her, she would not be talking or seeing this other dude..
i blame myself for pushing her to him... but i know i did the right thing!
i could not carry on bieng with a woman, who thinks it's ok to treat me like crap!!
f@ck her... she is not better than me & never was better than me
i loved her & she took advantage of that, to break me down!!!
f@ck her... i deserve better than this slut
Just tried to PM you Soulforge, but your inbox is full.
As long as we all continue to trust our rational minds and have the objective advice in this thread to steer us right, it will all come good in the end. It fvcking hurts and messes with your head, but what I've finally come to learn is that it's ok. It's natural to feel like this and to cry and pine for her.
I actually saw my doctor a couple of days ago because I felt like I was spiralling into depression, but she reassured me that nothing I'm going through is unusal and it doesn't make me any less of a man.
You can reason with yourself that it's for the best, that you hate her, that life will be great without her, but that doesn't stop you feeling the pain of losing her or the pain of rejection.
As long as we all continue to trust our rational minds and have the objective advice in this thread to steer us right, it will all come good in the end. It fvcking hurts and messes with your head, but what I've finally come to learn is that it's ok. It's natural to feel like this and to cry and pine for her.
I actually saw my doctor a couple of days ago because I felt like I was spiralling into depression, but she reassured me that nothing I'm going through is unusal and it doesn't make me any less of a man.
You can reason with yourself that it's for the best, that you hate her, that life will be great without her, but that doesn't stop you feeling the pain of losing her or the pain of rejection.
Lotus Effect
Master Don Juan
Hey Guys!
News from the friendzone!
Since I was a whining little b**ch that couldn't let her go and chased her with the most stupid way ever, by saying I was ok, wanted to be friends and arrange some coffee dates (following some so called Pickup Guru advice). I had a 2nd coffee date arranged for today.
As stated previously, she is totally ok with the breakup, 'cause I did'nt make her regret her decision, or even miss me a little bit, and showed totally available for her. Anyway, I've asked her out for this coffee, I had to man the f**k up and assume my responsabilities, and the consequences that revolves around them. If I ditched her, or simply vanished it would probably give me the power of doubt, but as the situation is, NC is not going to be as nearly as effective as it would be right after the breakup.
It would be a relief for her.
So I texted her, saying "Hey, coffee @ 5 still up?". No kisses or desperate talk. As expected, she flaked on me, with a lame Party planing excuse, and worse, she asked if it could be this friday or next monday (To keep stalling me, and making herself feeling better and better 'cause there's a puppy after her, 'cause she is so f**king awesome). So, instead of doing what she was expecting I would, that would be "Hey! That's fine, no worries, have a good party! Yey!! Let's leave if for friday, it's ok with me
" (Read it with stupid voice). So when i.e. friday comes up she could ditch me again and massage her ugly ego a little more.
I've been reading a lot lately, and done some good rationalising. Thanks to that, and some decent advices from a good friend, I did what a High Value man would do. Which is, not care. I have s**t to do, so it's her problem if she can't see me. Instead I've replied "You know, it is hard to schedule these things. See when is best for you... When you can, you hit me up and we'll see! Later."
You might say I've gave her too much power. But instead what I did was show her that I don't care too much for this coffee date. I have other stuff to do as well. That alone might not be usefull, 'cause she thinks, he don't care, I don't care, f**k it. But the Icing is that the ball is in her hand now. By telling her to hit me up, she will be the one that will have to look for me, for the first time in months. She will have to check if it is ok with me. If I'm available. If yes or NO (of course no!) And that my friends, will be the moment the tables will turn.
In the short term it may be ineffective... But in the long run she will wonder. Why the hell he is not around, why is he not chasing me anymore! If this will bring me her back or not I don't know. But will make her wonder for sure. This is finally the moment I've been waiting. The moment I set myself free from her.
In the past 2 months that I've been speaking to her, she usually took half an hour, 2 hours, even a day to answer my texts. This time around though, this message was so higher value and sparked a little bit of atraction on her, that she replied me under 10 minutes, with this "Hey, good luck tomorrow! Be carefull!!! [About my job interview] Ok, nice! We make it friday or monday tooops!". I've read it, and deleted it!
Friday may come, Monday may come, hell, 2014 may come. I will not call, I will not text, I won't do s**t. I'll just leave it. When she says something, and she will, now she will, I'll give her the same treatment she gave me this last 4 months. The cold hand of indiference. Not an a**hole, not a prick... Just nothing at all!
I'm finally at peace with myself! Thanks guys! I'll keep you posted and updated!
Cheers! =)
News from the friendzone!
Since I was a whining little b**ch that couldn't let her go and chased her with the most stupid way ever, by saying I was ok, wanted to be friends and arrange some coffee dates (following some so called Pickup Guru advice). I had a 2nd coffee date arranged for today.
As stated previously, she is totally ok with the breakup, 'cause I did'nt make her regret her decision, or even miss me a little bit, and showed totally available for her. Anyway, I've asked her out for this coffee, I had to man the f**k up and assume my responsabilities, and the consequences that revolves around them. If I ditched her, or simply vanished it would probably give me the power of doubt, but as the situation is, NC is not going to be as nearly as effective as it would be right after the breakup.
It would be a relief for her.
So I texted her, saying "Hey, coffee @ 5 still up?". No kisses or desperate talk. As expected, she flaked on me, with a lame Party planing excuse, and worse, she asked if it could be this friday or next monday (To keep stalling me, and making herself feeling better and better 'cause there's a puppy after her, 'cause she is so f**king awesome). So, instead of doing what she was expecting I would, that would be "Hey! That's fine, no worries, have a good party! Yey!! Let's leave if for friday, it's ok with me
" (Read it with stupid voice). So when i.e. friday comes up she could ditch me again and massage her ugly ego a little more.I've been reading a lot lately, and done some good rationalising. Thanks to that, and some decent advices from a good friend, I did what a High Value man would do. Which is, not care. I have s**t to do, so it's her problem if she can't see me. Instead I've replied "You know, it is hard to schedule these things. See when is best for you... When you can, you hit me up and we'll see! Later."
You might say I've gave her too much power. But instead what I did was show her that I don't care too much for this coffee date. I have other stuff to do as well. That alone might not be usefull, 'cause she thinks, he don't care, I don't care, f**k it. But the Icing is that the ball is in her hand now. By telling her to hit me up, she will be the one that will have to look for me, for the first time in months. She will have to check if it is ok with me. If I'm available. If yes or NO (of course no!) And that my friends, will be the moment the tables will turn.
In the short term it may be ineffective... But in the long run she will wonder. Why the hell he is not around, why is he not chasing me anymore! If this will bring me her back or not I don't know. But will make her wonder for sure. This is finally the moment I've been waiting. The moment I set myself free from her.
In the past 2 months that I've been speaking to her, she usually took half an hour, 2 hours, even a day to answer my texts. This time around though, this message was so higher value and sparked a little bit of atraction on her, that she replied me under 10 minutes, with this "Hey, good luck tomorrow! Be carefull!!! [About my job interview] Ok, nice! We make it friday or monday tooops!
". I've read it, and deleted it!Friday may come, Monday may come, hell, 2014 may come. I will not call, I will not text, I won't do s**t. I'll just leave it. When she says something, and she will, now she will, I'll give her the same treatment she gave me this last 4 months. The cold hand of indiference. Not an a**hole, not a prick... Just nothing at all!
I'm finally at peace with myself! Thanks guys! I'll keep you posted and updated!
Cheers! =)
