The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Jariel]

I have a feeling a friend of mine has contacted my ex!!

This is a friend I mentioned in a post way back, who I was texting a lot while I was with my gf. She's hot and told me she has feelings for me some months ago.

She knows the situation with my break up and we chatted about it. Last week she asked if we were finally going to get it together. I agreed to see her, then I backed out and I told her I like her a lot, but need more time. I think it upset her and she replied saying how stupid my ex must be to let me go and that someone should tell her how many girls would jump at the chance to be with me and how lucky she was to have me etc. I told her just to leave it and she assured me she was just talking hypothetically.

I thought nothing of it until earlier. She messaged me and said "don't be mad at me but I might've done something stupid" but wouldn't tell me when I asked.

I've not broken no contact and it does nothing to stop me from healing and moving forward, but the last thing I want is for anyone telling my ex I'm grieving over her.

 

[soulforge]

I have a feeling a friend of mine has contacted my ex!!

This is a friend I mentioned in a post way back, who I was texting a lot while I was with my gf. She's hot and told me she has feelings for me some months ago.

She knows the situation with my break up and we chatted about it. Last week she asked if we were finally going to get it together. I agreed to see her, then I backed out and I told her I like her a lot, but need more time. I think it upset her and she replied saying how stupid my ex must be to let me go and that someone should tell her how many girls would jump at the chance to be with me and how lucky she was to have me etc. I told her just to leave it and she assured me she was just talking hypothetically.

I thought nothing of it until earlier. She messaged me and said "don't be mad at me but I might've done something stupid" but wouldn't tell me when I asked.

I've not broken no contact and it does nothing to stop me from healing and moving forward, but the last thing I want is for anyone telling my ex I'm grieving over her.

damn mate, i hope she hasn't told your ex that you are grieving

 

[Iamaperson]

@soulforge:
This is probably (and hopefully) a huge stretch but the only way I would consider opening the letter is if you have any reason to believe she has thoughts of suicide since she may have BPD. You know her better than all of us so it's up to you to judge. I know we stress no contact here but if you have a strong reason to believe that she may hurt herself, I think an exception should be made.

 

[soulforge]

@soulforge:
This is probably (and hopefully) a huge stretch but the only way I would consider opening the letter is if you have any reason to believe she has thoughts of suicide since she may have BPD. You know her better than all of us so it's up to you to judge. I know we stress no contact here but if you have a strong reason to believe that she may hurt herself, I think an exception should be made.

haha her thoughts of suicide? lol no way mate!

this woman at best is heartless... why would she consider suicide, when there are so many other co@cks outhere she can ride..

believe me, this girl does not feel romorse or empathy... the only person she cares about... is her damn self

 

[Lotus Effect]

Hey guys! Whats Up!

I've been reading some very usefull posts around here, specially some of Jariel (which are great by the way dude, cheers!)

I've just came across SoSuave, but I'm in the PUA world since 2009.

There is something that have been bothering though.
I've got dumped (July 8), felt like trash, waited a while, something about a month, reengaged contact with her... Same Old, Same Old!

So anyway. I've saw the Challenge yesterday at night. And I do think it is the best way out of my situation, given the fact that I've screwed me over so much that I guess that even the NC is not going to help me out. (We've been on a on and off contact)

But that's ok! It's a lost cause. It hurts, but this is life (Not Hollywood! [Only if you live in Hollywood, than, it's Hollywood])

The thing that is grinding my gears is that Last friday, We've kind of agreed on a second Coffee date, due to tomorrow, Oct 2nd, wednesday.
We didn't spoke through the weekend, and she texted me yesterday wishing me good luck on my job intervew, which I replied "Thanks! But the interview changed again. It will be on Thursday!" She didn't replied.

I'm inclined to think that she sees me as creepy BF, that can't walk away, who is always there, lingering. I am really decided to walk away, since I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

So, what the F should I do? Should I call it off and go NC? Should I just don't show up, not saying a word, and go NC? Or should I risk going, considering the fact that I have to call/text her to confirm, and can more than likely get a Flake (which will suck!) and then go NC?

Any thoughts?
Thx guys!

 

[Blazing]

It's day 4 of NC here. Ran into her today when I was walking back from class. She gave me one of those weak ass smiles and seemed kinda sad. It kinda made me wonder how she's doing. But still have no urge to contact her so here's hoping everything keeps moving forward

 

[Lotus Effect]

in the past when i have ended things with her... she has sent me emails suggesting she will be dating other guys & even told me once or twice, she will be f@cking other guys...

i really do not trust this woman... she will say & do her best to hurt me..

on the other hand, this letter could just be a long winded goodbye, because she has met somebody else & she is ready to move on


so again, what do i gain from reading this letter? if she is telling me, she has met another guy & is moving on... thats only going to make me feel ****ty

if it's a ploy for her to pull me back in, then i rather not fall for the temptation!

there is a possibility she branch swung to some other dude & the grass was not as green as she thought it would be.. so she wants to reel me back in!

Dude, in my experience with letters (sent and received) It always go down the same road:

She'll say she's sorry for being bad for you, she loved you for all the small things, she forgive you, she changed, she can't bare this situation anymore and so you should stop seeing/talking to each other and she hopes that one day in the future you can see this situation under another light.

She will also use some emotional BS to try to reel you in, like refering to you in your sweetheart nickname by the end of the letter.

I'm pretty sure about it, 'cause otherwise she wouldn't have the trouble of writing a damn handwritten letter, and posting in your mail box in person.

If it was a rant, she would emailed you, like she did before. (Or texted, facebook, Whatsapp...) Like any other skank would also do!

I do think it is a nice idea to keep the letter though. Hide it! Ask for your mom to hide it! Leave it for 1 to 2 years! Then when it does not mean a thing to you go read it.

After all, we are all human, and curiosity speaks louder than anything else.

Hope it helped.
(And I ask you guys to give me an opinion on my situation, explained some posts above)
Cheers!

 

[Jariel]

I've been reading some very usefull posts around here, specially some of Jariel (which are great by the way dude, cheers!)

Thanks mate! Glad you are finding them helpful.

There is something that have been bothering though.
I've got dumped, felt like trash, waited a while, something about a month, reengaged contact with her... Same Old, Same Old!

I would say this is because you didn't give her enough time to miss you and appreciate your value or maybe the problems with the relationship or the unattractive are still the same. This is VERY common with reconciliations unfortunately. People just want a quick stop to the pain and frustration they're feeling so end up rushing back to their ex, but once that pain has gone, the novelty wears off and it's all back to the bad times.

Long term no contact will do you a lot of good. I would also recommend giving a lot of thought to what went wrong and try to learn a valuable lesson from this break up. That way if you do ever reconcile again, you won't be repeating the same mistakes, or better yet and more likely, you won't repeat those mistakes in a future relationship.

I'm inclined to think that she sees me as creepy BF, that can't walk away, who is always there, lingering.

Very common!

So, what the F should I do? Should I call it off and go NC? Should I just don't show up, not saying a word, and go NC? Or should I risk going, considering the fact that I have to call/text her to confirm, and can more than likely get a Flake (which will suck!) and then go NC?

I would give this meet up a miss. If you're already too available and she's already taking you for granted, then seeing her while she's in this state of mind will just make the situation worse and decrease your value. What you need to do is make yourself unavailable.

In this case, I would wait to see if you hear anything. If you do, then politely decline the coffee date and tell her you think it's best you take some time apart. Be nice and civil about it and if she asks why, just say you feel like you need some time to yourself.

If you don't hear from her, then just cut contact and follow this challenge. It's a tough ride mate, but it will serve you well in the long run. Even if you feel strong at the beginning (like I did), it may hit you hard later on, but stick with it and welcome to the forum!

 

[Jariel]

It's day 4 of NC here. Ran into her today when I was walking back from class. She gave me one of those weak ass smiles and seemed kinda sad. It kinda made me wonder how she's doing. But still have no urge to contact her so here's hoping everything keeps moving forward

Keep going mate. Don't read too much into the moods or anything. This is for your benefit.

 

[Jariel]

Day 30:

I made it to day 30 and I can say I am getting better. The pain is still there, as are the doubts and the questions, but the moments of respite and the moments where I'm not thinking of her at all are getting longer.

I'm talking to this new girl more and finding myself feeling good about what could be.

 

[Lotus Effect]

I would say this is because you didn't give her enough time to miss you and appreciate your value...

Totally! Now, after 3 months of breakup, I understand this as the classic mistake. Classic. If I had vanished in this 3 months, she would probably been wondering what the F happened. NC now may be good. But it would be extreme if I had played it right.

Long term no contact will do you a lot of good. I would also recommend giving a lot of thought to what went wrong and try to learn a valuable lesson from this break up. That way if you do ever reconcile again, you won't be repeating the same mistakes, or better yet and more likely, you won't repeat those mistakes in a future relationship.

All the thoughts have been given. I fully understand all of my mistakes during and after the relationship.

I would give this meet up a miss. If you're already too available and she's already taking you for granted, then seeing her while she's in this state of mind will just make the situation worse and decrease your value. What you need to do is make yourself unavailable.

Good point!

In this case, I would wait to see if you hear anything. If you do, then politely decline the coffee date and tell her you think it's best you take some time apart. Be nice and civil about it and if she asks why, just say you feel like you need some time to yourself.

Here I disagree. I do believe that too much explanation, revealing my feelings, or telling her any emotional excuse for the flake will only enpower her, since she will perceive this as weakness, and that she's on control.
I guess if she says anything I'll just say I'm sorry, busy with this and that, let's leave for another day. Leaving the door opened, and not looking weak.
(I guess, but if you have any good argument about the emotinal excuse I'm all ears)

If you don't hear from her, then just cut contact and follow this challenge. It's a tough ride mate, but it will serve you well in the long run. Even if you feel strong at the beginning (like I did), it may hit you hard later on, but stick with it and welcome to the forum!

Here is the AFC inside me speaking on my behalf. But won't I look like a f**king prick not giving her any explanation at all? Like, Sorry, couldn't make, busy with my cat. C ya Wouldn't wanna be ya kind of s**t.

...After all, I invited her in the first place!

And when we broke up, I've cut contact for 3 weeks and a half. The first days I was golden, FC 2 girls in 2 weeks... Then, it all fell apart. I'm familliar with the feeling!

And thank you for the quick reply, and for welcoming me! Cheers!

 

[Machtwo]

I'm just six months dumped now, I couldn't see this point at all that long ago, but I'm here and I feel nearly like the old 'me' again.
NC does work to make you better. Yes I still think about her, yes I still miss her, but things have happened that are out of my control, I've accepted the situation, I know it won't always be like this and I am looking forward to what the future has in store for me.

Hopefully in another six months I'll be able to laugh at my previous comments & posts and wonder what the fvck I was thinking or doing!!

Stick with it guys.

 

[soulforge]

the ex has been down to my apartment today

she left a pair of jeans & a t-shirt outside my flat.... i must have left them at her house when i left... i don't understand what her game is,

but she is stressing me out!

 

[Machtwo]

the ex has been down to my apartment today

she left a pair of jeans & a t-shirt outside my flat.... i must have left them at her house when i left... i don't understand what her game is,

but she is stressing me out!

She's trying to get you to 'bite', don't do anything,

 

[Betterz]

Ex emailed me yesterday after 30 days NC - to make an arrangement to come get some things she left at mine. Its camping ****, and it's going into winter here in the UK - so she doesn't 'need it' right now at all..

I see it either she just wants her things (literally) - or a ploy to communicate with me... i'm thinking both are true somewhat.

Haven't replied. Have to wait another 30 days now for NC challenge to be complete then she can get the things.

Shes FB friends with my mom still, thinking she'll bug her to why i'm not replying - explained to my mom to not 'chat' with her - and tell her I am busy etc and she must wait..she's agreed she would play aloof.

In my 30 days NC. Slept with 3 different girls. Online dated a ton, been to two singles events, and going to one more tonight.

It's really helped me 'get over her' - but the whole of yesterday I was in a mess - all memories came rushing back - after I received her email. Couldn't sleep last night.

30 more days to go
Keep it up boyz!

Plenty of more fish in the sea

 

[adam225]

Nothing to stress about. Wash them , wear them, and continue on your path. No giving thanks, no acknowledgement.

This is a hoover attempt

I agree, I can see it clearly as well. She's trying to get some emotional control over him again.

DO NOT give in. You may get a few more of these tests thrown at you. I can assure you now if you give in and go back to her you'll suffer. You're better than her... and keep reminding that to yourself.

 

[soulforge]

I agree, I can see it clearly as well. She's trying to get some emotional control over him again.

DO NOT give in. You may get a few more of these tests thrown at you. I can assure you now if you give in and go back to her you'll suffer. You're better than her... and keep reminding that to yourself.

guys the last 2 or 3 weeks, i was getting strong... felt better about the break up.. but since the letter & her turning up at my door now leaving my clothes, i am feeling somewhat emotional again...

but i will carry on as usual, with no contact... the stupid things is, i still have feelings for her... but i know going back to her is not an option.

i know this woman will never be a good partner for me... only more misery & disrespect awaits me, if i get back with her..

 

[adam225]

Honestly, I can picture exactly how it's triggered your emotions off again. You must remember that all emotions/thoughts will pass in time (whether they are positive or negative). Eventually you'll break all emotional attachment to her and you won't care about her what so ever. It takes time; but I PROMISE you that you will come around.

 

[adam225]

O yeah guys.... my ex texted me on my birthday - "Happy birthday and well done for passing your exams !!! x " of course, you know what I did... **DELETE**..


Later on that day I had an email off her mom saying the same thing and asking about me (very strange, you would of thought me not repling had something to do with it). I emailed her mom back (as I have nothing against her) saying thank you and kept the rest brief (to show I wasn't really interested).

It's thanks to SS that I'm now strong enough to see things for "how they are" instead of selling my soul to the she devil and falling back into a relationship with her. I just know if I would of replied it would have most likely escalated into us meeting up again (back to square one).


BTW, my ex has also been in close contact with my mom over the past month (this is how she knew about my exam results). It's like she just can't break away completely :crackup: . Silly girl...

This site REALLY is a life changer....

 

[Lotus Effect]

Guys Little help Please.

Today is the day of the Coffee date I've planed with my ex last friday.

She is indifferent, and since I showed to her that I was too available and actually said everything was ok, she is ok with her decision of breaking up and is apathic, which already killed any chances of getting back together.

What should I do?? Should I ask her if the coffee date is still up? Should I cancel it? Should I remain silent and leave her to think whatever she wants?

And if I ask her and she says No, how could I reply. Should I be reactive and say that is what I expected from her, to try to create any kind of bad emotion, or just play it cool, saying ok, leave for another time!

In all the opitions above my next move will be the same, NC forever. Even if I go!