The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[soulforge]

Same here. We broke up once and ended on really great terms and I could've left her with a good impression of me while I was still the cool, confident alpha male she fell for...but we tried again and things got fvcked up!

There are a lot of warnings out there that tell you to beware of premature reconciliation with an ex. Even if she comes back to you after no contact, if you haven't overcome the issues that caused the break up, it's going to happen again. But the problem is, most of us just want the pain to end and the short term gratification of having her back.

thats exactly what i did jariel... the last time i ended it with her, it was so much easier... i really could have walked away & got over her pretty soon,

last time round, she did not have a branch to swing to either... she was mailing me on a regular basis... which was making it easier for me to walk


jariel, if you found out your ex branch swung to another guy, straight away after she broke up with you...

would you get back together with her again, if she came back?

 

[Jariel]

Day 13:

After a bad morning yesterday I started picking up again by the afternoon. I went to work last night and had such a great shift! I work in a sociable environment and get to meet a lot of women (staff and customers), but have always been in a relationship while working here. But last night I embraced the fact that I'm now single. I flirted, socialised and had fun. And I met one of the most beautiful women ever. We talked and flirted a bit, but I didn't feel we had enough time together to ask for her number. But then later than night a couple of members of staff said they'd heard her talking to her friend about how hot I was and her friend was offering to get my number. Unfortunately, by the time they told me this, the girls had gone and I missed my opportunity. However, it made me realise how many hot and eligible women are available. It also made me think if I have gorgeous women like this after me, why the fvck would I be putting up with any disrespectful behaviour from my ex...or anyone?

So yeah, I've bounced back again and feeling good. A bit of resentment towards my ex creeped into my mind earlier and I felt like I wanted to get one over on her, but it passed as I started focusing on myself and enjoying my future. My ex is quite a negative person and had a way of dragging me down, so getting her out of my life has been pretty good for my moods.

Another very positive thing to come out of this break up is that it's made me more aware of how much I'd changed as a person and how I'd reverted to being the "nice guy". I'm now making a lot more effort to get back to my DJ mindset and it's all coming back to me very naturally. My composure has improved, I'm more relaxed, more sociable, more flirty and I'm carrying myself with a lot more confidence and have a more commanding presence.

Today was a big turn around for me because I actually found myself grateful for my break up.

 

[Jariel]

jariel, if you found out your ex branch swung to another guy, straight away after she broke up with you...

would you get back together with her again, if she came back?

Definitely not! I could never take back an ex who left me for someone else...or even the prospect of someone else. The way I see it, she had her chance and she blew it. Time to give another woman the opportunity to appreciate me.

Ironically, this is the state of mind you need to have in order to keep her interested.

 

[Sw4210]

Thanks for the reply. I do agree that we were in these relationships too long. The last half of my relationship just got worse and worse as the months went on yet I continued to bend over backwards making all the money paying all the bills and literally doing anything requested of me and more to keep her around and not complaining. I felt like a neutered version of myself. I wish I hadn't broke NC a few days ago, I had felt better and now I feel sh!tty again after our talk. The good news for me is our little talk confirmed my worst suspicion that she would do stupid things again after leaving me, and it also made me dislike her more, but the way she started to treat me toward the end of it was reminiscent of the worst parts of our relationship so I'm upset again, but it will pass. Hang in there everyone.

 

[rossitheking]

So you haven't spoken or seen her for six months and she messages you out of the blue to hang out?

Indeed renegade. Was I tempted to respond? Honestly......no.

What was her reasoning behind all this.......who cares.

I would of jumped at the chance early doors. I'm wiser now. This is just an example of how things can turn around for us all.

 

[rossitheking]

i did walk away a few times, i dumped her twice before, but like an idiot i got back with her after some time... why? because the sex was great & she looked good

never sacrifice self respect for p@ssy... never!

Third time lucky for you now then soul.

The brain will always be smarter than the c()ck!

 

[soulforge]

Third time lucky for you now then soul.

The brain will always be smarter than the c()ck!

the **** is my f@cking enemy... why do we believe we can take these trashy woman & they will be great wifes or girlfriends to us.

after all this, i get the feeling she will come around again, for another chance

maybe 6 months down the line... she did once after 7 months

 

[rossitheking]

the **** is my f@cking enemy... why do we believe we can take these trashy woman & they will be great wifes or girlfriends to us.

after all this, i get the feeling she will come around again, for another chance

maybe 6 months down the line... she did once after 7 months

You said it yourself soul......she's poison. Poison never turns to water. Regardless of time.

Imagine the feeling when she knows she has lost you and your friend - 'your c()ck!' is being used on a better chick.

For every trashy woman there will always be a good one.

Why look in a broken mirror when you can simply get a new one.

 

[Tissot]

'Out with the old, in with the new' I'm a new man last weekend, didn't think about her at all now, got it on with a really nice woman best thing! She likes me and I like her and that's all it matters now. Got a message from the ex saying 'I noticed you're not on Facebook anymore (I am but I blocked her) and she requested that if I could save all her photos from my account and send it to her via e-mail' I deleted the message straight after I read it and didn't looked back! And it makes me feel great!

At this point it's been over 3 months after the split and I'm done! Over her and moving on! Best idea ever and thanks for helping out guys, new journey awaits and I'm looking forward to what will happen with the new flick slow and steady wins the race...peace out fellow sosuave hombres

 

[Jariel]

Day 14:

I dreamt of my ex all night and ended up laying awake thinking about her and all we've experienced together. Just when I thought I was over her and the pain was behind me, it all came flooding back and I'm torn apart again.

Even though I don't want to get back together, even though I see all the positives of moving on and have no intention to make contact, I find myself craving some kind of sign from her that she cares and that this break up is hard on her too...I just want to know that I meant something to her.

This post break up sh1t really is like living with bipolar or some kind of persoanlity disorder. I seem to have a different mood and outlook every day.

 

[rossitheking]

Day 14:

I dreamt of my ex all night and ended up laying awake thinking about her and all we've experienced together. Just when I thought I was over her and the pain was behind me, it all came flooding back and I'm torn apart again.

Even though I don't want to get back together, even though I see all the positives of moving on and have no intention to make contact, I find myself craving some kind of sign from her that she cares and that this break up is hard on her too...I just want to know that I meant something to her.

This post break up sh1t really is like living with bipolar or some kind of persoanlity disorder. I seem to have a different mood and outlook every day.

I would call it grief jariel. The first 2/3 weeks are most definitely the worst.

I'll give you some back story on me. After the ex went completely quiet on me, I had to confront her and ask what was going on. No amount of pleading or reasoning on my part could get through to her. (we all know) anyways I gave up and went no contact. I adopted this to 'win' her back. I didn't MSG her or anything. The worst thing I did do was spy on her FB daily. I would analyze every activity, status and posts that she did - I would rationalize and figure that it was aimed at me. I would go to bed that night and think about it. You see i was externally applying no contact but internally, and this is the most damaging part, I was very much in contact with her. You see how fvcked up this way of thinking is! I'm guessing quiet a lot of guys have done/or do this.

I wrote out a long email explaining the situation, to tell her how great she is and how we should start it back up. I was ready to send it when.....

A post from sosuave666 on this thread changed it all for me. 'She gets no letter, she gets nothing.' Very simple advice but equally powerful.

The best thing I could ever do then was to block her on FB so I could never know what she was doing. I was finally applying no contact in my mind and freeing myself. As I mentioned, I began to take care of myself and meet new chicks. I was being present again and really observing them. My old self of ****y and funny came back. I started banging new ones and am now currently in the middle of dating one with a lot of promise. Not once have I thought of my ex when I'm with her.

A lot is said about a woman's hamster in their head but I think the hamster in our heads shouldn't be underestimated. The idea of sending that letter back then seemed the best idea for me. The idea of sending that letter looking back now is FVCKING ludicrous!!

Don't be the guy that resents your ex, react badly or feel like its all unfair because the whole world will see right through you. Be the guy who says 'Ok, no problem, I'm hurt but I can deal with it, I've learnt something'.

Why, because the next girl who sings a tune in your heart will see the confidence that you project. The same way your ex will.


Day 14 for you. Excellent work Jariel. Keep it up.

 

[Jariel]

...and within the space of a few hours I feel ok again. In fact, I've been thinking very positively about my relationship and rather than focusing on what I've lost, I'm thinking how grateful I am to have had those experiences.

I think it's a given that most of us going through a break up are emotionally and mentally unstable. We flit from feelings of resentment, to neediness and desperation, then we think we're cool enough to handle it, then slip back into depression.

This emphasizes the importance of no contact!!! You cannot fix a relationship when you're so unstable and needy. This kind of behaviour is extremely offputting to women and will drive her away further...and maybe even scare her.

No contact allows you to hide all these emotions and moodswings from her and maintain your dignity. It allows you time to regain control of yourself, reflect on what has happened, come to terms with the pain and anger. Perhaps then, and only then, can you make some kind of amends with your ex...if you even want to.

We are all susceptible to trying to understand or fix the situation, but most of us aren't capable of doing that right now. Our first goal after a break up has to be fixing ourselves and trying to get back our emotional stability. For some it may take weeks, for others it may take a year, but this has to be the primary objective if you ever hope to be happy again....with or without your ex.

 

[Jariel]

Rossitheking:

Thanks for that inspirational post! I've been through all those same notions and have started writing letters and scrapped them several times. I also did some analyzing of her Facebook and her profile I found on the dating site, trying to work out if it was retaliation towards me or if she was already moving on. I still don't know, but I decided to stop completely.

Like you say, you can force no contact on an external level, but if you're still following her, still trying to find answers, then you defeat the purpose because you're still attached and not letting go.

For these past 14 days, I've kept away completely. I threw away a lot of gifts and mementos she bought me and stored some of the ones I'd like to keep out of sight and done no stalking whatsoever. She blocked me on Facebook the day we broke up, so she's made it easier there.

I feel like I'm doing everything right and I understand it's going to take time for the pain and longing to fade, but the days where I am able to put her to the back of my mind and focus on the present and the future I'm actually feeling quite happy and it proves I don't need her in order to feel good.

 

[rossitheking]

I will also add that the pain that me, you and the others here are going and have gone through shows that we are willing to risk it and put it on the line. I know people who are living very much in the shadows and not fulfilling themselves, people who are too scared to say 'hi' to a girl. I believe they are afraid of getting hurt.

Hell, I have a friend who was in a toxic relationship for over 7 years who suffered the worst kind of abuse from his girl. No amount of reasoning from his friends, family or workmates could get through to him. Why - lack of confidence. He finally walked away though and is now in a fruitful relationship with someone better for him. Think of those lost years!

Experiencing pain and posting it here and applying NC shows that we are very much ahead of the curve. I just feel sorry for the people who are too proud to take advice and suffer in silence.

Keep these posts coming.

 

[itdude]

bad day yesterday. I had a hangover and it seems like I miss her more on these days. then last night I dreamt about her the whole night. How we got married, had a baby and then went on all these nice holidays and we were CLOSE again. and it felt so good. but when I woke up this morning that just made me miss her more.

I hate starting the new week like this.

 

[Jariel]

I will also add that the pain that me, you and the others here are going and have gone through shows that we are willing to risk it and put it on the line. I know people who are living very much in the shadows and not fulfilling themselves, people who are too scared to say 'hi' to a girl. I believe they are afraid of getting hurt.

Well said!

In fact, near the beginning of my relationship my girlfriend confessed she'd fallen in love with me and told me she was so scared. We both talked about just letting go, taking the risk and letting it happen because if we did that it could be amazing between us. We never held back and it was amazing! I have no regrets and the hurt I feel now was worth it. If we had played it safe, we would have missed out on some of the best experiences of our lives.

As time passes, the pain of our break up is going to fade, for both of us, and we will be left with many memories of a great relationship. This is another good reason to keep your break up short and clean. You don't want to leave her with memories of you begging, chasing, crying, shouting at her, trying to get revenge and making a fool of yourself for weeks/months after breaking up.

I just feel sorry for the people who are too proud to take advice and suffer in silence.

Me too. Sometimes I do feel kinda pathetic airing my feelings and emotions on this forum, but it really does help to put them in perspective, get some feedback and an objective perspective.

When you're in the middle of breakup turmoil, you're the one person you cannot trust to make a rational decision.

 

[Jariel]

bad day yesterday. I had a hangover and it seems like I miss her more on these days. then last night I dreamt about her the whole night. How we got married, had a baby and then went on all these nice holidays and we were CLOSE again. and it felt so good. but when I woke up this morning that just made me miss her more.

Damn those dreams!!

These have set me back a number of times now. It's like they bring her back into your life for a while, lead you to think everything is good, and then snatch her away again.

 

[rossitheking]

Well said!

This is another good reason to keep your break up short and clean. You don't want to leave her with memories of you begging, chasing, crying, shouting at her, trying to get revenge and making a fool of yourself for weeks/months after breaking up.



Good point - all this negative energy would show through with the next girl. It's a no-win.

The exact opposite of how walking away and having high standards is an all-win - you will attract a better girl and piqué interest from your ex (not why your doing this of course).

 

[Renegade357]

Damn those dreams!!

We all have the sickness man. NC is the cure but it has some side affects and this virus puts up a tough fight.

I had those dreams a lot early on too. I hated it. They started going away about 40 days in for me.

 

[soulforge]

Rossitheking:

Thanks for that inspirational post! I've been through all those same notions and have started writing letters and scrapped them several times. I also did some analyzing of her Facebook and her profile I found on the dating site, trying to work out if it was retaliation towards me or if she was already moving on. I still don't know, but I decided to stop completely.

Like you say, you can force no contact on an external level, but if you're still following her, still trying to find answers, then you defeat the purpose because you're still attached and not letting go.

For these past 14 days, I've kept away completely. I threw away a lot of gifts and mementos she bought me and stored some of the ones I'd like to keep out of sight and done no stalking whatsoever. She blocked me on Facebook the day we broke up, so she's made it easier there.

I feel like I'm doing everything right and I understand it's going to take time for the pain and longing to fade, but the days where I am able to put her to the back of my mind and focus on the present and the future I'm actually feeling quite happy and it proves I don't need her in order to feel good.

hi jariel

hope you are feeling better today mate...

jariel i would not recommend looking at her facebook... if you end up seeing something you don't like... your going to be hurting a great deal more mate.

i would completely isolate yourself from her, till you start feelign stronger.

also do you know if she is going on dating sites?