The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[soulforge]

You're right Soulforge, I'm probably going through the whole denial phase and whether she's on the look out now or 6 months from now, she has made it clear that I'm not the man she wants to spend her life with.

Today is a difficult one and I'm really feeling the loss. I've gone from definitely not wanting her back, determined to move on to missing her like crazy and wanting her in my life again, hoping she'll contact me, hoping she's missing me and is feeling this same pain as me...even though I know this is entirely the wrong way to handle a break up.

I've broken down a few times already and haven't been able to sleep. My family and friends are sick of hearing me talk about her and their advice is either "stop thinking about it and move on" or "man up and get with other women".

If I knew how to do either of those things I would. I know it will get easier and I know that as I continue logging my no contact days, you'll all see a change in my attitude. I just need to get through this pain and clear the chaos in my head.

jariel i get the impression your feelings towards this woman are different than what i feel for mine!

in your case i believe you had some very good times together & she treated you well for the majority of the time... so i can see how you must be clinging on to those good times, or the memory of her, when she was good to you

i can imagine moving on from someone who did actually genuinely love you must be difficult..

in my case i don't really have fond memories of her like that, i generally feel like she was a b'tch pretty much throughout the relationship

in fact i am certain, she was a narcassit / bdp


i wonder if it's harder to move on from a toxic relationship, or harder to move on from a relationship, that was for the majority of the time filled with love & healthy

 

[dreww]

Day 10

Yesterday, I had a great day between working out, hanging out with friends and getting a girls number . It felt good to talk to another girl and meet someone new. At the same time, I don't want to rush things, because I'm only about two weeks removed from a 2 year relationship. I have realized that the reason my ex broke up with me is that I became clingy and obsessive with her. Earlier in the relationship, she was head over heels in love with me and would do whatever she had to just to see me. At times, that got annoying because I wanted to do other things. Nonetheless, I worked through it because I realized that it was only because she cared so much about me. The roles kind of got reversed about 3 months ago. She started being more and more nonchalant about hanging out all the time and I was always initiating the texts, calls, and hanging out. I eventually made her my main source of happiness and that is not healthy at all. She got busier and busier with the start of school and activities and I was so dependent on her. She said when we broke up that she "didn't need to be with anyone right now." I truly believed that she was just busy and I was being overbearing. But, a week after our relationship ended, she's already in a relationship with a guy she described to me as "goofy" and a friend. I met him and he was goofy, but a cool guy. Now, she is dating him and has her relationship status hidden on facebook, but his is that he's in a relationship with her. She obviously doesn't want to show everyone that she's already in a relationship and that the guy is pretty fvucking ugly lol. For almost our whole relationship, she was all about taking pictures and posting them on social media sites, sort of like showing me off. Now she doesn't want anyone to know she's dating this ogre lol.

Last night, after I had such a good day, all I could think of is my ex. I just thought about how she would always fall asleep on my chest in a matter of minutes. I barely got any sleep and contemplated texting her or calling her but I didn't. It's day 10 and I felt like I was making such progress until last night. Has anyone else had these varying feelings?


And lastly, after this no contact period is up, or whenever I am over her, do you think I should contact her. Like maybe go out to lunch and see how she's doing? Thanks in advance for any replies

 

[goodganji44]

No. Because if you do No Contact the right way, you won't even have any interest in contacting her in the first place.

The facts are is that your princess is in another castle, so it's time for you to find someone to make their way in to your castle now. Good luck.

 

[fuko2007]

Drew: these feelings are common after getting out of a relationship, especially if you have been shareing a bed. I had the same feelings and a poster once gave me a good bit of advice. He said try sleeping on secondary furniture i.e. couch or lazy boy etc because when you get in bed it will trigger that memory. It helped me a good bit , i just slept on the floor and had my ol lab snoozing right next to me haha. Im in another relationship now quite similar to my old one. Shareing a bed etc, and i can see warning sighns already. I quit staying with her but the having her next to me and what is she doing right now stuff creeps in. Best thing to do is suppress these feelings right away before they get out of control. Go out and have a beer after work and be around some funny people, people that dont really know her or somewhere her name wont come up.

Thats what i have been doing, it will clear your mind and by the time you go home hopefully you wil be to tierd to think about it and you will go to bed. But like i said these feelings are normal and there is no way to just oust them. Only time and hard work will do that my man, stay strong and keep posting.

EDIT: And no do not contact, even after you are over her or you run the risk of putting yourself back in the same spot that got you here in the first place.

 

[henrea4]

And lastly, after this no contact period is up, or whenever I am over her, do you think I should contact her. Like maybe go out to lunch and see how she's doing? Thanks in advance for any replies

It could go well, but then again it could go all wrong (like it did with me) Not worth the risk if you ask me. I know it's hard, but try to just convince yourself that she's gone forever and never coming back. Tell yourself she died if you think that will help. If she reaches out to you after the 60 days is up, that's entirely another story. But if she doesn't, keep with the NC. My two cents. Absence can sometimes make the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind also can apply.

 

[European-DJ]

You're right Soulforge, I'm probably going through the whole denial phase and whether she's on the look out now or 6 months from now, she has made it clear that I'm not the man she wants to spend her life with.

Today is a difficult one and I'm really feeling the loss. I've gone from definitely not wanting her back, determined to move on to missing her like crazy and wanting her in my life again, hoping she'll contact me, hoping she's missing me and is feeling this same pain as me...even though I know this is entirely the wrong way to handle a break up.

I've broken down a few times already and haven't been able to sleep. My family and friends are sick of hearing me talk about her and their advice is either "stop thinking about it and move on" or "man up and get with other women".

If I knew how to do either of those things I would. I know it will get easier and I know that as I continue logging my no contact days, you'll all see a change in my attitude. I just need to get through this pain and clear the chaos in my head.

My family is sick and tired too, so i know where you stand buddy!!

The problem is, no matter how many times you are told that there is a reason for her being cold, there is a reason for her joining the dating site, there is a reason for her loosing affection for you - you will DENY IT!

You will find excuses, the pills, the divorce, the kids, the .... There is a million reasons.

This is the phase everyone goes through: I think guys have it early on, girls have it later. You forget every single negative thing she did, neglecting it, and start embracing and amplifying the positive things she did.
- I am sure she was a princess at times, sweet, loving and caring and so on. So was my girl: but we cannot focus on those things, we have to focus on the negative things, the things we couldn't live with, the things that made you two break up in the first place, the things that annoyed you and you couldn't accept.


Remember: If she REALLY loved you, REALLY wanted you back, she would have called/texted/or atleast have done a attempt to change your mind and get you back - not just the usual "No please don't go" right after the brake up, but the persistent attempt that lasts for a couple of days as minimum.


You have been with this girl for 2 year, so just like I, you have made a strong connection, and she was probably more than a girlfriend, she was a close friend too. Without knowing, i guess you had daily contact, and saw each other at least 2-4 times a week (this is just an assumptions). So it is completely natural to be hurt, to be depressed: We are both addicts of our Exes!
- You cannot expect the drug addict to simply quit drugs without any cravings, WE, just as the drug addicts, crave for that sweet intimacy we shared with our girls, that sweet dopamine release we had when they were present, that sweet feeling going through our buddy when we laid in bed with them... IT IS A DETOXING PROCESS, if it was easy the NC-challenge wouldn't be a sticky, and it definitely wouldn't have 3000+ posts!

Stay strong, you are doing good! And if you really want her back, you know you cannot do it, unless she brakes NC and contact you! You cannot be the one to brake NC - it is just like Anti-dump said in his old posts, she must say "I Love you" first, because how else do you know if she really means it?

If you really want her back, she must be the one to brake NC, she must be the one initiating the contact!

But trust me, by that time, you will most likely have moved on, and you will be a lot stronger than you are now.



I am trying to make a good valid point here, but my english isn't that strong, i hope you get the Point mate, and i hope tomorrow will be just a bit easier, and the day after tomorrow even easier than that!!

Work on your graphic website, you are doing very very good, i am really impressed with some of the things i found on your website/youtube!

 

[Jariel]

Today has been the most difficult day of no contact. If I hadn't deleted her number already, today would probably be the day that I broke it.

On one hand, many of you will say I'm idolizing her, but today I came to the conclusion I may have been demonizing her a bit too much the past week.

I still feel like there's so much to be said, so many misunderstandings we can clear up, but I have to heed my own advice that her emotions will not respond to rational arguments or reason.

jariel i get the impression your feelings towards this woman are different than what i feel for mine!

in your case i believe you had some very good times together & she treated you well for the majority of the time... so i can see how you must be clinging on to those good times, or the memory of her, when she was good to you

You're right, but it's only now my anger is settling that I see that. She's not been disrespectful to me at all and even the last couple of weeks she seemed distant, she was still in contact, still using my pet names, flirting, still having sexual fantasies about me and she'd even bought me a thoughtful present a couple of weeks before we split.

Her disrespect came just before and during our break up. She was ice cold, remorseless, intentionally trying to hurt and taunt me...but this is a side of her I had never ever seen before and didn't know existed.

It's still so confusing for me and I'm still in disbelief over what happened and how suddenly and dramatically she turned.

i wonder if it's harder to move on from a toxic relationship, or harder to move on from a relationship, that was for the majority of the time filled with love & healthy

One fact you can reassure yourself with is that you definitely did the right thing and that moving on is what's best overall. What's worse for you, however, is that you probably feel your confidence has taken a big hit from all this and it's not left you in a good way.

But the great thing is that when you are ready to move on, it won't take much for you to meet a great girl who makes you happy and to experience a real and respectful loving relationship.

 

[Jariel]

My family is sick and tired too, so i know where you stand buddy!!

I've just watched the movie Swingers again and I can recognise all the same patterns. I'm looking at the guy who got dumped and even I'm thinking to myself "This guy needs to man up and get over it", and then I return to reality and realise I'm being exactly the same.

I recommend this film if you've not seen it already btw!

This is the phase everyone goes through: I think guys have it early on, girls have it later. You forget every single negative thing she did, neglecting it, and start embracing and amplifying the positive things she did.
- I am sure she was a princess at times, sweet, loving and caring and so on. So was my girl: but we cannot focus on those things, we have to focus on the negative things, the things we couldn't live with, the things that made you two break up in the first place, the things that annoyed you and you couldn't accept.

You're right and it's not helping me to move on. She obviously found enough negative traits in me and our relationship to let go, so I need to do the same. And as good as it was, it wasn't perfect at all and it was a lot of pressure. This break up does feel like a weight off my shoulders to be honest and I will learn to appreciate the freedom.

Remember: If she REALLY loved you, REALLY wanted you back, she would have called/texted/or atleast have done a attempt to change your mind and get you back - not just the usual "No please don't go" right after the brake up, but the persistent attempt that lasts for a couple of days as minimum.

Again, you're right. I have vowed not to contact her, not to try to make amends or argue any more. I felt her interest drop in the final weeks and the only way our relationship could ever work again is if she realises how much she loves me, misses me and wants to be with me. It has to be upto her now.

- You cannot expect the drug addict to simply quit drugs without any cravings, WE, just as the drug addicts, crave for that sweet intimacy we shared with our girls, that sweet dopamine release we had when they were present, that sweet feeling going through our buddy when we laid in bed with them... IT IS A DETOXING PROCESS, if it was easy the NC-challenge wouldn't be a sticky, and it definitely wouldn't have 3000+ posts!

Absolutely! I do try to recognise it in this way because I have such strong will power in my diet and when I quit smoking and alcohol, so if I can do that then I can do this.

I am trying to make a good valid point here, but my english isn't that strong, i hope you get the Point mate, and i hope tomorrow will be just a bit easier, and the day after tomorrow even easier than that!![/B]

Work on your graphic website, you are doing very very good, i am really impressed with some of the things i found on your website/youtube!

Thanks mate. Your English reads just fine and your points are all very valid and very helpful! I really do appreciate the support.

The website is going really good lately to be fair and is one of the positive things in my life and one of the goals I am in the process of achieving.

I'm feeling very weak and sleep deprived at the moment, so the work and the gym is taking a backseat when I need them most. I just need to get past this worst stage and I just know I'm gonna hit a turning point and go at life full force and make some of my biggest achievements. I always bounce back from these situations in a big way. I'm just waiting for the energy and focus to come back.

 

[Machtwo]

Today has been the most difficult day of no contact. If I hadn't deleted her number already, today would probably be the day that I broke it.

Well done for deleting it, that may have saved you some heartache.

Her disrespect came just before and during our break up. She was ice cold, remorseless, intentionally trying to hurt and taunt me...but this is a side of her I had never ever seen before and didn't know existed.

It's still so confusing for me and I'm still in disbelief over what happened and how suddenly and dramatically she turned.

All of this is how my wife treated me - but for 6 months she did it, she was checking out of the relationship, or as she put it, 'emotionally detaching herself', I couldn't believe it either, still blows my mind now!

 

[0cco]

Day 2

Day 2 of no contact with my ex who broke up with me 2 months ago. First time failed and we became "friendly" and flirty. I broke that off 2 days ago (she surprisingly initiated it.. maybe should of stayed with it but decided not to) and she promised to respect my decision this time so here goes.. first feelings are still pretty obsessed ones: I wanna know what shes doing so i check whatsapp to see when she last logged in and her facebook + instagram.. Must address this first I suppose. Ups and downs throughout the day, mainly downs from very unhelpful thoughts that create unhelpful feelings.

Oh well. Day 2 SUCCESS.
GL to everyone else currently on the journey

 

[foolyoufool]

I've been doing so well...Next week will be 2 months since we stopped seeing each other and I've been getting over here more and more. BUT I just stumbled upon a picture of her in a girl's profile picture on facebook and that got all my emotions rushing back. I can't even imagine what seeing her in person would feel like. I want her back so bad... I have the most intense urge to text her. Even though its almost been two months I still miss her so much.

I've felt so empty since we stopped seeing each other. I can't believe how long it's been yet these feelings still linger. And I only knew her for four months! Guess I really fell for her hard...How can I get out of this funk guys?

 

[Midnight5O]

I wasn't in an official relationship with this girl, it was more like friends with benefits... but I really did (and still do) care. I'm accepting this challenge because I no longer want to be the chump that wants to work things out and be taken for a fool(again). She wont care that I stop talking to her, but I guess that doesn't matter. - Midnight

its 7:29 9/9/13

 

[foolyoufool]

I wasn't in an official relationship with this girl, it was more like friends with benefits... but I really did (and still do) care. I'm accepting this challenge because I no longer want to be the chump that wants to work things out and be taken for a fool(again). She wont care that I stop talking to her, but I guess that doesn't matter. - Midnight

its 7:29 9/9/13

Yeah man I totally feel you...Wasn't in an official relationship with mine either but the pain is just as bad. You can do it, and you'll be much better for it.

 

[darkstarjedi]

I wish I saw this earlier and registered to take the challenge. I had a ring handed back to me a week ago with a "I just cannot think about this right now."

She called 2 days later crying about how she loved me and wants me to be happy. I am weak when I hear her ringtone and picked up the phone.

She called 2 days after that and asked what did I mean when I told her that I couldn't be "friends".

2 days after that she sent me a text with some silly alien and stars emoticons and I replied that I was thinking about her.

I $^%&ed up 3x now. I lose.

I can do 60 days from the text.

I live near the beach in CA and the blondes ooze out of the sand. Why is my heart so hung on this one lady?

 

[Jariel]

Just a question for everyone posting here...

How many of you would say that your relationship broke down due to you being too nice, predictable and accommodating? Is this a common trait we all share?

 

[fuko2007]

Just a question for everyone posting here...

How many of you would say that your relationship broke down due to you being too nice, predictable and accommodating? Is this a common trait we all share?

I would say yes, looking back on my most recent relationship gone wrong. Everything was fine when i did what i wanted to do when i wanted to do it and treated her not like dirt but made her work for what she got. Then i got the old speech and gave in to what she wanted then almost like the flick of a light switch she droped my ass.

 

[adam225]

Just a question for everyone posting here...

How many of you would say that your relationship broke down due to you being too nice, predictable and accommodating? Is this a common trait we all share?

Yep,yep... it was only when I started paying for stuff when she turned EVIL lol. The final straw was me spending £700 on her so we could go away for her birthday. We broke up on that holiday and came back 2 days early. I haven't seen her since.

I've learnt where I went wrong and I PROMISE myself it will never happen again.

 

[fuko2007]

I wasn't in an official relationship with this girl, it was more like friends with benefits... but I really did (and still do) care. I'm accepting this challenge because I no longer want to be the chump that wants to work things out and be taken for a fool(again). She wont care that I stop talking to her, but I guess that doesn't matter. - Midnight

its 7:29 9/9/13

Sometimes the unofficial relationships are the worst, because she dargs you through what seems like a relationship then turns around and acts like nothing happend. Or my fav she treats it like a relationship and i bet in your case when you started to treat it like one she got weird cold and distant then boom. The best thing to do is go NC she will probabially try to contact you before your 2 months is up but dont give in. I know her type been there before, she probabially has 2 or 3 other guys she stays in contact with just for this porpose that she did the same thing she did to you to them. Only diffrence is your not going to be an orbiter, once your gone your gone. So keep posting man and keep your head up.

 

[European-DJ]

Just a question for everyone posting here...

How many of you would say that your relationship broke down due to you being too nice, predictable and accommodating? Is this a common trait we all share?

To be honest, i think that was what killed mine.

When i was acting all "douche'bag'ish", she was kind of addicted to me, as soon as i gave in, became more nice, more available, doing the things she was asking me to do, she found the other guy.

I am not 100% sure that it was due to my niceness, but it would be a odd coincidence though.

 

[dreww]

Exactly what happened in my situation. When I wasn't always available, all she wanted to do was hangout and she was obsessed with me. Eventually it got to the point where she was upset that I never did things with her and I did a complete 180. I made sure I was always there for her and almost always available. I would change plans with my friends so that we could hangout, just as she used to do.
i definitely think it was me being too available that caused her to lose feelings for me. I have learned from this and will never be so servile to a woman again. I'm on day 11 NC now and still hope she'll come back to me after she realizes that I am not so needy and I can live life without her. Until then, I am going out and meeting new people, BECOMING A BETTER ME