The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
- Start date
I got my girlfriend back through NC 3 months ago...the same girlfriend I found on a dating site last week and the reason I'm posting in this thread.zips3031 said:
Here's the problem. At some point in your relationship, the dynamic changed. My guess is that like most of us here, you became too needy, too dependent on the relationship, too accommodating and eager to please, too available and she became the one in control of the relationship...and essentially, she took the male role and you took the female role.
Psychological attraction is THE most important thing to a woman and if she perceives you as weak or needy in any way, she will lose respect and feelings for you in the same way we'd lose feelings for a girlfriend who let herself go and became fat and ugly.
It is very possible she will realise her feelings and respect you more for going no contact, and there's even a chance you can get her back for a limited time. BUT nothing has really changed and once she sees through the trickery and NC mindgamet, she'll dump you again or, in my case, start looking for other guys.
What you need to do is to learn from this experience, get yourself back to your old self, regain your independence and your self respect. Once you reach the point where you don't need her in your life any more, this is when you are able to handle being with her again. And trust me, she will sense it and find you attractive again...just like you'd notice a fat chick who got slim and hot.
With all due respect, I disagree. It didn't have to do with psychological attraction. She has not been single in many years and realized that her and I were naturally moving from a hook up to much, much more very quickly. It scared her and she decided she needs to be alone.Jariel said:I got my girlfriend back through NC 3 months ago...the same girlfriend I found on a dating site last week and the reason I'm posting in this thread.
Here's the problem. At some point in your relationship, the dynamic changed. My guess is that like most of us here, you became too needy, too dependent on the relationship, too accommodating and eager to please, too available and she became the one in control of the relationship...and essentially, she took the male role and you took the female role.
Psychological attraction is THE most important thing to a woman and if she perceives you as weak or needy in any way, she will lose respect and feelings for you in the same way we'd lose feelings for a girlfriend who let herself go and became fat and ugly.
It is very possible she will realise her feelings and respect you more for going no contact, and there's even a chance you can get her back for a limited time. BUT nothing has really changed and once she sees through the trickery and NC mindgamet, she'll dump you again or, in my case, start looking for other guys.
What you need to do is to learn from this experience, get yourself back to your old self, regain your independence and your self respect. Once you reach the point where you don't need her in your life any more, this is when you are able to handle being with her again. And trust me, she will sense it and find you attractive again...just like you'd notice a fat chick who got slim and hot.
European-DJ
Master Don Juan
Now I remember why I looked so much up to you when I initially came to this site, you have this way of writing, that gives me this "Aha, now I get it" felling haha..
And remember, be realistic, be honest with yourself, it doesn't take 10 days to get completely over someone you've loved for a very long time.
Just a fast rewind two and a half years ago: I had just discovered this site, I was so full of confidence, it was as I had discovered some kind of secret society which was just pumping me with all the right information, stuff I never realized. I read a whole lot on this page, and applied everything I read every week. Within 3 months I had dated, kissed, fvcked more girls than ever in my life, and my confidence was like never before, because my attitude had changed, I actually felt like I had some kind of super powers, because I had evolved more in those two months than the last two years.
Anyway, I meet my ex, within 1 month of dating we go exclusive, we really
Clicked and here is the funny thing, she was: Always available, always writing me, always picking me up, always doing everything for me, and you know what? I had the 'perfect' girl, who gave me lots of sex, lots of love and did everything for me, and then I realized what Pook once said, perfect is boring...
I though to myself, if I could get her this attached, and be the center of this girls universe, imagine what kind of girls I could attract!
Long story short, a year in the relationship we decides to go apart, I honestly didn't care because I knew I was still able to attract. I wrote her a couple of times, but she had gone completely no contact on my @ss, so after three months I randomly meet her at this club, and my feelings just go all over the place, and after some convincing I bring her home
And lay her - a couple of days later I start realizing that I missed her sweetness, so we date again.
I am still confident, but she is definatly a bigger part of my life, and I start placing higher value on her and pleasing her a lot more.
7 months later, she starting being less available, and end the thing by ignoring me, sleeping over at this guy from her classes place, and I get all broken up, but only because she ignores me and because she had sleeped with this guy.
2 months later, i send her a text for fun, with a link to some television program about exes, she reacts very emotionally to this, and we start dating AGAIN, for the 3rd time..
This time, I make her the center of my world, all of my attention, all of my thoughts, all of my emotions and all of my time is dedicated to her, I do everything she always complained I didn't do, I was the perfect text book boyfriend! She then returned to the guy from her class, cheating on me with him, and left me all alone, on our two year anniversary, after I had made the most amazing, adventurous and best two year anniversary anyone could imagine. This time I was left completely broken, sad and devastated, and now I am here, posting in the NC topic, because I made her the center or my world, because I was psychologically dependent on her.
Sorry for the long rant;
Tl;Dr
1st part of relationship; I was confident, independent, willin to walk away at any sign of disrespect, she was a nice addition to my life.
When it ended: I was over it without thinking about it, I was dominant in the relationship.
2nd part of relationship I was somewhat confident, to some degree dependent, would tolerate more and she was a significant part of my life.
When it ended: I got hurt, I was down for some time, my confidence and ego took a large hit.
3rd part of the relationship: I was dependant, she was the center of my universe, I had nothing else going on for me than her, I wanted to do everything I knew to please her.
When it ended: I felt depressed at first, very sad, just want to stay at home, lay in bed and think about her. When I wake up, and realize she isn't waking up by my side, but by his, I want to smash something.
Moral of the story; don't get dependant, don't get completely attached, be willing to walk, have your own life, and don't make her the center of neither your life nor your attention!
I am only 21, so i take this as Experience guys!
- this is the main issue, we are currently craving her affection, attention and her presence, which is why we cannot take her back. Not before we are truly over her, before you have truly improved and before you have become your better self (at least as good as when you two initiated the relationship), can you even consider taking her back.Jariel said:
And remember, be realistic, be honest with yourself, it doesn't take 10 days to get completely over someone you've loved for a very long time.
- this is where I had my "Aha" experience once again.Jariel said:
Just a fast rewind two and a half years ago: I had just discovered this site, I was so full of confidence, it was as I had discovered some kind of secret society which was just pumping me with all the right information, stuff I never realized. I read a whole lot on this page, and applied everything I read every week. Within 3 months I had dated, kissed, fvcked more girls than ever in my life, and my confidence was like never before, because my attitude had changed, I actually felt like I had some kind of super powers, because I had evolved more in those two months than the last two years.
Anyway, I meet my ex, within 1 month of dating we go exclusive, we really
Clicked and here is the funny thing, she was: Always available, always writing me, always picking me up, always doing everything for me, and you know what? I had the 'perfect' girl, who gave me lots of sex, lots of love and did everything for me, and then I realized what Pook once said, perfect is boring...
I though to myself, if I could get her this attached, and be the center of this girls universe, imagine what kind of girls I could attract!
Long story short, a year in the relationship we decides to go apart, I honestly didn't care because I knew I was still able to attract. I wrote her a couple of times, but she had gone completely no contact on my @ss, so after three months I randomly meet her at this club, and my feelings just go all over the place, and after some convincing I bring her home
And lay her - a couple of days later I start realizing that I missed her sweetness, so we date again.
I am still confident, but she is definatly a bigger part of my life, and I start placing higher value on her and pleasing her a lot more.
7 months later, she starting being less available, and end the thing by ignoring me, sleeping over at this guy from her classes place, and I get all broken up, but only because she ignores me and because she had sleeped with this guy.
2 months later, i send her a text for fun, with a link to some television program about exes, she reacts very emotionally to this, and we start dating AGAIN, for the 3rd time..
This time, I make her the center of my world, all of my attention, all of my thoughts, all of my emotions and all of my time is dedicated to her, I do everything she always complained I didn't do, I was the perfect text book boyfriend! She then returned to the guy from her class, cheating on me with him, and left me all alone, on our two year anniversary, after I had made the most amazing, adventurous and best two year anniversary anyone could imagine. This time I was left completely broken, sad and devastated, and now I am here, posting in the NC topic, because I made her the center or my world, because I was psychologically dependent on her.
Sorry for the long rant;
Tl;Dr
1st part of relationship; I was confident, independent, willin to walk away at any sign of disrespect, she was a nice addition to my life.
When it ended: I was over it without thinking about it, I was dominant in the relationship.
2nd part of relationship I was somewhat confident, to some degree dependent, would tolerate more and she was a significant part of my life.
When it ended: I got hurt, I was down for some time, my confidence and ego took a large hit.
3rd part of the relationship: I was dependant, she was the center of my universe, I had nothing else going on for me than her, I wanted to do everything I knew to please her.
When it ended: I felt depressed at first, very sad, just want to stay at home, lay in bed and think about her. When I wake up, and realize she isn't waking up by my side, but by his, I want to smash something.
Moral of the story; don't get dependant, don't get completely attached, be willing to walk, have your own life, and don't make her the center of neither your life nor your attention!
I am only 21, so i take this as Experience guys!
European-DJ said:
It sounds like we've had such a similar experience and made the same mistakes here. When I first met her I too was at my peak. I'd been banging and dating lots of girls, had them in the palm of my hand and was full of confidence and on top of my game. The I met her and I whisked her into my world, pushed her out of her comfort zone and led her into a 50 Shades of Gray type fantasy (a few girls have told me they pictured me while reading those books). She was absolutely besotted with me, so emotional, so clingy and eager to be with me and please me, praising me up to everyone. It was how a relationship should be, with me taking the lead, retaining my independence and her being submissive to me.
But just like you, I let it all slip away as I put her on a pedestal, acted needy and accommodating, broke every DJ rule and guide and became a pitiful excuse of a man. I even told her how "heartbroken" or "hurt" I was when she was cold or upset me. A man should NEVER speak like that!!
In retrospect, I can't blame her for losing attraction for me. But I am glad that this break up has caused me to reflect on this and learn from my mistakes. That's something positive we can take away from this and these experiences and lessons are all part of our development.
In a year's time maybe we'll reconcile with our exes in a more healthy way or, better yet, maybe we'll have met the women of our dreams and be in an exciting, stable and loving relationship.
Day 1
Decided to break up with my boyfriend because he takes me for granted. I know he loves me but he barely makes time to see me and does not keep his word. I have tried to break up with him several times but we always end up together. So here is to hoping no contact works
Decided to break up with my boyfriend because he takes me for granted. I know he loves me but he barely makes time to see me and does not keep his word. I have tried to break up with him several times but we always end up together. So here is to hoping no contact works
European-DJ
Master Don Juan
Just ran into my ex for the first time - day 13.
So today I was actually doing pretty good, me and my friend has just shaven our heads really short 5-8mm (I have always had a nice 5-10cm hairstyle), and was having a blast about our new hair, fooling around and grabbing a bite.
It was getting late, and we decided to go for some desert at this cafe in the city, things was pretty smooth and fun, and we were just about to leave, when my ex and her boyfriend came in.
I could see she was noticing me, and I felt this rush spread from the depth of my chest, to the end of my fingers and toes; my hand even startet shaking and I was in a state of chock, and didn't know how to act.
- I was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and had just shortened my hair really short, so I defiantly wasn't looking my best, which was frustrating me.
I could see she had noticed me, because she acted in her usual 'Ohh no' way, and she did hers to avoid getting a seat near me and my friend, but were seated near the exit.
So what happened? At start I thought I should ignore them, but on the other hand, I knew that was wrong, and I shouldn't show signs of fear even though I clearly was chocked seeing her again.
We payed the bill, and went to the exit, and I decided to go to their table (right next to the exit).
Me: Hi "New-boyfriends name" (extending my arm, and shaking his hand)
Him: Hi
Me: Hi "ex girl nickname" (giving her a hug)
Her: "Hi European-dj"
Me: I just saw you guys, so just wanted to say hi.
Her: wow, you have really shortened your hair, almost couldn't recognise you! (She clearly saw me when she entered)
Me: Yeah haha, me and "my buddy" just decided to do it today, as I have always talked about trying it for fun.
Her: It's really short.
Me: "pasta dish"? (asking her in a playfully tone, if she ordered the dish she always orders)
Her: yes, you know me *gigles*
Me: Well, I just wanted to say hi, have a nice date you two.
Them: thanks
Me: cya later! (Walking away).
I must admit my voice might have shivered a bit, I was so nervous, but I think I handled it alright. I don't think this was braking NC, even though it did push me two steps back seeing them happy together.
but please, let me know, how do you guys think I handled the situation?
So today I was actually doing pretty good, me and my friend has just shaven our heads really short 5-8mm (I have always had a nice 5-10cm hairstyle), and was having a blast about our new hair, fooling around and grabbing a bite.
It was getting late, and we decided to go for some desert at this cafe in the city, things was pretty smooth and fun, and we were just about to leave, when my ex and her boyfriend came in.
I could see she was noticing me, and I felt this rush spread from the depth of my chest, to the end of my fingers and toes; my hand even startet shaking and I was in a state of chock, and didn't know how to act.
- I was wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, and had just shortened my hair really short, so I defiantly wasn't looking my best, which was frustrating me.
I could see she had noticed me, because she acted in her usual 'Ohh no' way, and she did hers to avoid getting a seat near me and my friend, but were seated near the exit.
So what happened? At start I thought I should ignore them, but on the other hand, I knew that was wrong, and I shouldn't show signs of fear even though I clearly was chocked seeing her again.
We payed the bill, and went to the exit, and I decided to go to their table (right next to the exit).
Me: Hi "New-boyfriends name" (extending my arm, and shaking his hand)
Him: Hi
Me: Hi "ex girl nickname" (giving her a hug)
Her: "Hi European-dj"
Me: I just saw you guys, so just wanted to say hi.
Her: wow, you have really shortened your hair, almost couldn't recognise you! (She clearly saw me when she entered)
Me: Yeah haha, me and "my buddy" just decided to do it today, as I have always talked about trying it for fun.
Her: It's really short.
Me: "pasta dish"? (asking her in a playfully tone, if she ordered the dish she always orders)
Her: yes, you know me *gigles*
Me: Well, I just wanted to say hi, have a nice date you two.
Them: thanks
Me: cya later! (Walking away).
I must admit my voice might have shivered a bit, I was so nervous, but I think I handled it alright. I don't think this was braking NC, even though it did push me two steps back seeing them happy together.
but please, let me know, how do you guys think I handled the situation?
I think you handled the situation well. It was very mature of you and took a lot of balls. Recently, I sawmy ex and her new ugly boyfriend at the gym. I was with my friends and all I could do is laugh when I saw them together. She just looked so *****y and was trying so hard to not even acknowledge my presence but I was just living my life . I felt kind of bad after though because I might have acted a little immature about it. The look on her face was so priceless the one time we made eye contact. She looked so upset and straight faced and I was smiling from laughing so much. In the future, when I do move on, I hope that I could handle the situation like you did. It's just hard to do that when a week after a 2 year relationship she's got a new guy. Whatever, I'm in the best shape of my life and the best revenge is for me to be happy and be a better person than I was when I was with her. I am on day 9 of NC and there are time periods where I don't think of her for hours, but other times all I can think about is her. It's really tough but I'm doing well
. I felt kind of bad after though because I might have acted a little immature about it. The look on her face was so priceless the one time we made eye contact. She looked so upset and straight faced and I was smiling from laughing so much. In the future, when I do move on, I hope that I could handle the situation like you did. It's just hard to do that when a week after a 2 year relationship she's got a new guy. Whatever, I'm in the best shape of my life and the best revenge is for me to be happy and be a better person than I was when I was with her. I am on day 9 of NC and there are time periods where I don't think of her for hours, but other times all I can think about is her. It's really tough but I'm doing well You did very well European DJ. Your maturity and ability to handle this situation most definitely raised your value!
If you behave in a petty way, angry or even blank her, it shows weakness. By rising above the pain and awkwardness, you showed strength. Well done mate.
I'm worried that I'll have to face a situation like this one day and I'm hoping I can do the same as you...except when I shake his hand, I'll attempt to crush it. haha. Only joking. But I might say something like "you look after her buddy, she's a great girl" just to show there's no animosity or resentment.
If you behave in a petty way, angry or even blank her, it shows weakness. By rising above the pain and awkwardness, you showed strength. Well done mate.
I'm worried that I'll have to face a situation like this one day and I'm hoping I can do the same as you...except when I shake his hand, I'll attempt to crush it. haha. Only joking. But I might say something like "you look after her buddy, she's a great girl" just to show there's no animosity or resentment.
European-DJ
Master Don Juan
Thanks for the feedback!Jariel said:
- I had the same opinion, if i just walked past/ignored her, it would be childish.
I think it could have been better, but i was very nervous, so i think i did alright.
- Hahahha, yeah, i wish i just squeezed the **** out of his hand, it would have been fun!
* I think you would do just fine if you meet her, as long as you take a moment to breathe before you approach them, i have thought a lot about running into them like i just did, and have replayed it 100 times in my head! It was nothing like i imagined, but it wasn't bad either. I think being prepared will never be a disadvantage, even though things doesn't play out like you imagined they would.
Day 7:
My emotions are a bit more settled now, but my mind is all over the place. One minute I'm thinking how she betrayed and hurt me, how cold she was with me and it stirs me up again, and then another minute I'm thinking that we had some amazing times and that I was very lucky I got to share them with her. In these latter moments, I wish that we could just put all this sh!t to one side as a misunderstanding or a mistake and get back to where we were.
It also makes me realise that she has all these same happy memories of me and how great we were together, how we connected on all levels and how rare it is to find love like ours. Surely she will realise this at some point and she'll realise just how minor this hitch is in the grand scheme of things. I'm still convinced that she's going to come to her senses and wake up one morning thinking "what have I done?!"
When I review the situation over again, from a less emotional standpoint, I realise that a lot of my worst accusations about her are actually just assumptions I've made. I've assumed that she was stringing me along and looking for other guys, but I realise, she only appeared back on the dating site after we argued and I suggested moving on. There's no evidence that she's looking for another man or even spoke to anyone. She may just have been making a point, seeking attention or testing the waters.
I'm not making excuses for her as she was very disrespectul in the later weeks and I knew the break up was coming, but it may be that she didn't cheat on me or string me along afterall, and I have to take responsibility for becoming so needy and insecure, and ultimately killing her attraction.
So what now? Nothing's changed. I'm still maintaining no contact and still aiming to move forward and get over her.
It is very fascinating to see how your perception of a situation changes when emotions are involved. I'm really hoping the no contact will give her time to let go of her bad feelings and unflattering image of me and reflect more on our good times and realise what I once meant to her.
I think this expresses the importance of no contact. If you continue trying to work things out while you're still angry or upset, you remain narrowminded, defensive and just make the situation worse and drive her away even further. No contact gives time for you both to get a clearer perspective.
Anyway, my mind is still in chaos and I'm still hurting, but I'm coping better each day.
My emotions are a bit more settled now, but my mind is all over the place. One minute I'm thinking how she betrayed and hurt me, how cold she was with me and it stirs me up again, and then another minute I'm thinking that we had some amazing times and that I was very lucky I got to share them with her. In these latter moments, I wish that we could just put all this sh!t to one side as a misunderstanding or a mistake and get back to where we were.
It also makes me realise that she has all these same happy memories of me and how great we were together, how we connected on all levels and how rare it is to find love like ours. Surely she will realise this at some point and she'll realise just how minor this hitch is in the grand scheme of things. I'm still convinced that she's going to come to her senses and wake up one morning thinking "what have I done?!"
When I review the situation over again, from a less emotional standpoint, I realise that a lot of my worst accusations about her are actually just assumptions I've made. I've assumed that she was stringing me along and looking for other guys, but I realise, she only appeared back on the dating site after we argued and I suggested moving on. There's no evidence that she's looking for another man or even spoke to anyone. She may just have been making a point, seeking attention or testing the waters.
I'm not making excuses for her as she was very disrespectul in the later weeks and I knew the break up was coming, but it may be that she didn't cheat on me or string me along afterall, and I have to take responsibility for becoming so needy and insecure, and ultimately killing her attraction.
So what now? Nothing's changed. I'm still maintaining no contact and still aiming to move forward and get over her.
It is very fascinating to see how your perception of a situation changes when emotions are involved. I'm really hoping the no contact will give her time to let go of her bad feelings and unflattering image of me and reflect more on our good times and realise what I once meant to her.
I think this expresses the importance of no contact. If you continue trying to work things out while you're still angry or upset, you remain narrowminded, defensive and just make the situation worse and drive her away even further. No contact gives time for you both to get a clearer perspective.
Anyway, my mind is still in chaos and I'm still hurting, but I'm coping better each day.
soulforge
Master Don Juan
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hey jariel, i know how your feeling... i have been doing the same thing..
i have been making excuses to myself... maybe she did not mean this, or maybe she did not mean that... blah blah blah
but guess what? my mate is a taxi driver, in the same town where my ex girlfriend lives.. and she has been seem with some guy going to a restaurant
this woman is already out with some dude.... i was a little gutted to find this information out...
but u know what, i just don't care anymore... i want this toxic woman out of life for good & for me to heal & find myself again!
i was doing the same as you, trying to rationalize her behaviour only last night & turns out i was right about her... she is a low value, cheap woman
i have been making excuses to myself... maybe she did not mean this, or maybe she did not mean that... blah blah blah
but guess what? my mate is a taxi driver, in the same town where my ex girlfriend lives.. and she has been seem with some guy going to a restaurant
this woman is already out with some dude.... i was a little gutted to find this information out...
but u know what, i just don't care anymore... i want this toxic woman out of life for good & for me to heal & find myself again!
i was doing the same as you, trying to rationalize her behaviour only last night & turns out i was right about her... she is a low value, cheap woman
You're right Soulforge, I'm probably going through the whole denial phase and whether she's on the look out now or 6 months from now, she has made it clear that I'm not the man she wants to spend her life with.
Today is a difficult one and I'm really feeling the loss. I've gone from definitely not wanting her back, determined to move on to missing her like crazy and wanting her in my life again, hoping she'll contact me, hoping she's missing me and is feeling this same pain as me...even though I know this is entirely the wrong way to handle a break up.
I've broken down a few times already and haven't been able to sleep. My family and friends are sick of hearing me talk about her and their advice is either "stop thinking about it and move on" or "man up and get with other women".
If I knew how to do either of those things I would. I know it will get easier and I know that as I continue logging my no contact days, you'll all see a change in my attitude. I just need to get through this pain and clear the chaos in my head.
Today is a difficult one and I'm really feeling the loss. I've gone from definitely not wanting her back, determined to move on to missing her like crazy and wanting her in my life again, hoping she'll contact me, hoping she's missing me and is feeling this same pain as me...even though I know this is entirely the wrong way to handle a break up.
I've broken down a few times already and haven't been able to sleep. My family and friends are sick of hearing me talk about her and their advice is either "stop thinking about it and move on" or "man up and get with other women".
If I knew how to do either of those things I would. I know it will get easier and I know that as I continue logging my no contact days, you'll all see a change in my attitude. I just need to get through this pain and clear the chaos in my head.
soulforge
Master Don Juan
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Jariel said:
mate just move on... you are idealizing her.... this is not a woman who would have stood by you... and gave up on you, over some bull****!
you don't need someone like that in your life... trust me, these woman are ruthless & probably already branch swinging to next man!
i was with mine 2 years, she is already involved with someone... it kinda hurts, but i have realized. that this woman is pure toxic & a nasty c@unt
so what she does, or whom she does it with, is not my concern... my priority now is, to get away from this toxic woman & find myself again & heal myself
hey 3rd week!!!!!
hi I am in my third week of no contact and I am feeling a little stronger I still have my down moments but I am still hanging on. I have not heard form him during these three weeks but I am beginning to not care. I feel this is a sign of strength and a sign of moving on. I cannot wait til the 2 months is up and I am completely over him. I am still single haven't met anyone yet and I am enjoying this time alone. :rockon:
hi I am in my third week of no contact and I am feeling a little stronger I still have my down moments but I am still hanging on. I have not heard form him during these three weeks but I am beginning to not care. I feel this is a sign of strength and a sign of moving on. I cannot wait til the 2 months is up and I am completely over him. I am still single haven't met anyone yet and I am enjoying this time alone. :rockon:
