The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)
- Thread starter Daydream Engineer
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icanseeclearlynow
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Thanks.its so hard.. I want to tell him...because you Dumped me and I'm moving forward..mailing address please..but I wont ...
trust me - I know it's hard. I'm in your situation. It's amazing how I could tell you the right advice because it's not me, meanwhile I'm struggling to no contact myself.icanseeclearlynow said:
I know her mailing address by heart. Should I send her a letter?
icanseeclearlynow
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Not unless you are prepared to get your feelings hurt..again. Ask yourself, what outcome will you get by sending her a letter? Is this for closure..or are you hoping for a change of heart. If I were you Id write the letter..DONT SEND IT!! But put it away for at least a week.. or longer then reread it..before destroying it. If you send the letter and she ignores you...you will feel worse..Bling said:
we broke up because she lives back home 3 hours away. she works 50 hours a week and we had little time for each other. she says if we lived in the same city, it'd work out, but there's a strong possibility I'm moving back to south florida against my wishes (hard to find a job in her city) and will be 4 hours away from her. I'm hoping to enter the accounting industry, which would put me on 60 hour week schedule.icanseeclearlynow said:
honestly it's hard to find a girl as great as her. maybe it's the breakup talking, but she's not a slooot like majority of girls. sure she was a little emotional, but she was extremely loyal, quite funny, easy to talk to, very religious. a lot of redeeming qualities you don't find going out to the club. I'm secretly hoping in some alternative universe our stars will align, but those chances are looking slim.
TL;DR - I have high standards for girls, and she meets them more than any girl I've ever met.
Day 14
Semi broke no contact today. I got an emergency call from the apartments where we lived (before I moved out and left her practically everything). Anyways they said they couldn't reach her. I notified her and she proceeded to tell me the water heater broke.
I asked if it flooded the apartment she said yes, I replied that blows sorry, me being dumb and concerned asked if she knew how long it would take to fix and if she had to stay there with no water? Anyways she never responded I kindly said I know we're not talking I was just concerned.
Did I **** up?
Semi broke no contact today. I got an emergency call from the apartments where we lived (before I moved out and left her practically everything). Anyways they said they couldn't reach her. I notified her and she proceeded to tell me the water heater broke.
I asked if it flooded the apartment she said yes, I replied that blows sorry, me being dumb and concerned asked if she knew how long it would take to fix and if she had to stay there with no water? Anyways she never responded I kindly said I know we're not talking I was just concerned.
Did I **** up?
RedScorpion
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Yes. Absolutely. But it's okay. I would probably say 'start over' rather than '**** up' though. Welcome back to day 1.TeamBp said:
The point here is that you showed concern here, and concern for her and her wellbeing. Unless you have things you need to retrieve from her, things that are rightfully yours, you should not concern yourself with any event related to her. Treat this situation more concisely. Once you have brokeup, you are no longer lovers, you are no friends. She is your enemy (to be avoided). Until negotiated otherwise, you have to treat her as potentially hostile (and to avoid conflict unless necessary).
Her actions in this one scenario highlights this. You showed concern and consideration, she gave you a short response, even not responding at one point. If you put those same responses with one of your friends, you would be thinking "What the hell, I was being nice, and he was a ****", and not be so friendly next time. And normally, when you showed your consideration to the friend, the friend would probably respond nicely back "Oh yeah man, it's all good, thanks for letting me know".
No contact, in a way, is responding normally to a breakup in friendship. If your friend says "I don't want to see you again", you say "Fine, bye". You don't overthink it, you think "That guy's a ****". You don't call him up two weeks later, letting him know his building problems. It's also about respect. If they tell you "Get lost", and you keep trying to interact with them, they won't think the better of you. You have to give them time to think that maybe they were too harsh, and choose for themselves to try again. That's really the only way - once they close that gate themselves, they have to open it again. Otherwise, you're barging in.
Also, one thing I've learned. Don't feel bad. I've done it plenty times when I've '****'d up', felt we were on 'equal' ground, and then I gave up ground trying to connect with them, to only get nothing back. It felt like I personally cut out my own heart for trying, in some foolish endeavor. It's nowhere as bad as it feels, because in reality, there is nothing to lose. The relationship is already done, and you really can't push it further than done, which can be a sad but comforting truth. It really does take two to make things work. The only thing is the amount of pain you choose to place yourself with after it's done.
Anyway, I hope that's not too long. Hope my words help at least some.
icanseeclearlynow
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I messed up...kind of. I broke contact today. I responded to his text, that he sent earlier. I waited 8 hours to respond. He asked why did I stop talking to him and why did I unfriend him. I responded:
Hey, I was gonna respond to your text, but i was busy at work. I wasn't trying to ignore you but i have alot of things going on. Didn't mean anything by unfriending. Just think its best for a while.
So back to day 1..he didn't respond back..
Hey, I was gonna respond to your text, but i was busy at work. I wasn't trying to ignore you but i have alot of things going on. Didn't mean anything by unfriending. Just think its best for a while.
So back to day 1..he didn't respond back..
RedScorpion
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It's alright. Just remember it takes quite a bit of time for your body to process it all, and to steel your resolve. There is definitely a point where it feels almost unbearably depressing, and you want to make some kind of contact to break it. But the feeling will fade, and you'll feel confident with your actions. You can do eet.icanseeclearlynow said:
icanseeclearlynow
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Okay, he just responded with well we need to talk sometimes...I responded with sure.
The five days of no contact and plenty of fish..lol..have really helped me quite a bit. For one week straight I was psycho lady calling him all the time and whining about how could he do this to me..Now I really am not excited about his text. I believe it is just him seeking attention and his ego needing to be stroked.
I am sure he told all of his friends how I reacted to being dumped. I am not going to expect to hear from him, and I am going to reactivate no contact. Day one
Have a great night everyone.
The five days of no contact and plenty of fish..lol..have really helped me quite a bit. For one week straight I was psycho lady calling him all the time and whining about how could he do this to me..Now I really am not excited about his text. I believe it is just him seeking attention and his ego needing to be stroked.
I am sure he told all of his friends how I reacted to being dumped. I am not going to expect to hear from him, and I am going to reactivate no contact. Day one
Have a great night everyone.
icanseeclearlynow
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Thanks RedscorpionRedScorpion said:
icanseeclearlynow
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Sounds like you have a case of the oneitis. The world is full of girls. With time you will see that there are other great girls out there.Bling said:
Day 49
No contact works. The longer it goes, the better things get.
Thinking of her produces different feelings now. They are becoming more neutral.
She’s becoming more like “some girl” and less “my ex girlfriend.” The aspect of possession is going away.
Yes, I still think of her at least once a day, but the impact just isn’t there.
I’m becoming more like I was when I was single. Manlier, happier, more driven. My skills are coming back. :rockon:
No contact works. The longer it goes, the better things get.
Thinking of her produces different feelings now. They are becoming more neutral.
She’s becoming more like “some girl” and less “my ex girlfriend.” The aspect of possession is going away.
Yes, I still think of her at least once a day, but the impact just isn’t there.
I’m becoming more like I was when I was single. Manlier, happier, more driven. My skills are coming back. :rockon:
Day 1
Back to square one I guess. I didn't feel any pain talking to her or anything like that. She's already inflicted all the pain possible to the point it can't hurt me anymore than it already has.
I hate having to work with her and I need May to come so I can start my new job.
I haven't meditated or worked out in 4 days I think I need to get back to it.
New discovery: I've finally realized that that every time she hears good news about me she posts vulgarities with her lover on twitter lol. Today I told my boss that I may bee leaving in April now instead of May (my boss and ex are good girlfriends) within 10mins there's a new twitter post the first in three days.
Before I left for SXSW she deactivated her twitter but once she found out I was gone and made those comments on my friends FB she deactivates and starts posting again. I find it more entertaining now that I can see right through it.
And I know she's not sleeping she was up at 4:30am this morning searching **** through the company google.
Any suggestions?
Back to square one I guess. I didn't feel any pain talking to her or anything like that. She's already inflicted all the pain possible to the point it can't hurt me anymore than it already has.
I hate having to work with her and I need May to come so I can start my new job.
I haven't meditated or worked out in 4 days I think I need to get back to it.
New discovery: I've finally realized that that every time she hears good news about me she posts vulgarities with her lover on twitter lol. Today I told my boss that I may bee leaving in April now instead of May (my boss and ex are good girlfriends) within 10mins there's a new twitter post the first in three days.
Before I left for SXSW she deactivated her twitter but once she found out I was gone and made those comments on my friends FB she deactivates and starts posting again. I find it more entertaining now that I can see right through it.
And I know she's not sleeping she was up at 4:30am this morning searching **** through the company google.
Any suggestions?
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Day 9 of NC
Pretty hard day for me..I was with my roommate (one of my closest friends) and we were sitting with a group of people that a girl he is hanging out with is introducing us to so I can meet other girls. I'm sitting there hoping to just meet new people, make friends, and take things from there so I can get my mind off of my ex. My roommate and I have a back and forth with inside jokes and both end up laughing until we start tearing up, leaving the whole table of about 7 others staring at us in confusion.
My smile turned into a frown because those feelings of intense laughter subconsciously brought back memories of when I laughed that way with my ex..I thought, "I haven't laughed this hard since I was with.....Dammit." I started getting nervous because one of the girls at the table wanted to meet me (I was told beforehand), but she had no idea of what I was going through. I didn't want to hurt her by starting something that wasn't going to work out, and I couldn't look her in the eye.
After that meeting I was talking with my roommate in privacy and I told him that I wasn't ready to move on. I knew it and understood it then. He felt really badly for me because at the same time I told him that my ex was the best girl I've had, and that I've lost her. I never told him that before, because all he would see was my frustration whenever we had arguments (I've never done it, and never heard of guys talking about the good times, so my roommate never knew how much fun my ex and I had). I want to move on or start over..There's always that small sliver of hope that she would make an epiphany or realization and get a hold of me to talk.. But I know it isn't going to happen because she said that if she felt like things would come back to the way they were she would have, and that she had already made her decision. I want to move on so badly because it seems to be all I can do, and I dont want to think about our awesome times in sadness anymore.
So now I'm just sitting around in shambles in my apartment wanting to get drunk and wasted, when I should be studying for an engineering test I have tomorrow and finishing an engineering project also due tomorrow. I feel conflicted because I feel like I just need someone else to talk to (that i find attractive), but at the same time I feel like I'm holding myself back because of the good times. It's hard to let go when all you can do is love and hate someone and they are indifferent (or appearing to be indifferent). *sigh*....
Sometimes I feel like it isn't right that my ex is doing this...kind of like she is making a mistake and running with it as if she feels like its the right thing to do even if it isn't..Right now I honestly feel like it is a mistake she is making because we went so well together, minus the issues we had. All I know is that the friendship we had before starting up wasn't strong enough for a relationship because we weren't used to each others' habits.
When one or both lose interest in each other because they spend too much time together, wouldn't a fix for that be to just stop seeing each other as much, and pretty much start over to see if things work again? Im wondering because if two people get along really well then I think all it would take is just laughing and being happy together to fix things...I'm insanely confused right now, and I'm just talking to get this off of my chest...
I think its the oneitis talking.... I'll probably reread this and feel stupid haha.
Anyone else out there who is hurting, hang in there...I'm down in the trenches fighting it out with you all as well. we will make it through, together, one way or another.
Pretty hard day for me..I was with my roommate (one of my closest friends) and we were sitting with a group of people that a girl he is hanging out with is introducing us to so I can meet other girls. I'm sitting there hoping to just meet new people, make friends, and take things from there so I can get my mind off of my ex. My roommate and I have a back and forth with inside jokes and both end up laughing until we start tearing up, leaving the whole table of about 7 others staring at us in confusion.
My smile turned into a frown because those feelings of intense laughter subconsciously brought back memories of when I laughed that way with my ex..I thought, "I haven't laughed this hard since I was with.....Dammit." I started getting nervous because one of the girls at the table wanted to meet me (I was told beforehand), but she had no idea of what I was going through. I didn't want to hurt her by starting something that wasn't going to work out, and I couldn't look her in the eye.
After that meeting I was talking with my roommate in privacy and I told him that I wasn't ready to move on. I knew it and understood it then. He felt really badly for me because at the same time I told him that my ex was the best girl I've had, and that I've lost her. I never told him that before, because all he would see was my frustration whenever we had arguments (I've never done it, and never heard of guys talking about the good times, so my roommate never knew how much fun my ex and I had). I want to move on or start over..There's always that small sliver of hope that she would make an epiphany or realization and get a hold of me to talk.. But I know it isn't going to happen because she said that if she felt like things would come back to the way they were she would have, and that she had already made her decision. I want to move on so badly because it seems to be all I can do, and I dont want to think about our awesome times in sadness anymore.
So now I'm just sitting around in shambles in my apartment wanting to get drunk and wasted, when I should be studying for an engineering test I have tomorrow and finishing an engineering project also due tomorrow. I feel conflicted because I feel like I just need someone else to talk to (that i find attractive), but at the same time I feel like I'm holding myself back because of the good times. It's hard to let go when all you can do is love and hate someone and they are indifferent (or appearing to be indifferent). *sigh*....
Sometimes I feel like it isn't right that my ex is doing this...kind of like she is making a mistake and running with it as if she feels like its the right thing to do even if it isn't..Right now I honestly feel like it is a mistake she is making because we went so well together, minus the issues we had. All I know is that the friendship we had before starting up wasn't strong enough for a relationship because we weren't used to each others' habits.
When one or both lose interest in each other because they spend too much time together, wouldn't a fix for that be to just stop seeing each other as much, and pretty much start over to see if things work again? Im wondering because if two people get along really well then I think all it would take is just laughing and being happy together to fix things...I'm insanely confused right now, and I'm just talking to get this off of my chest...
I think its the oneitis talking.... I'll probably reread this and feel stupid haha.
Anyone else out there who is hurting, hang in there...I'm down in the trenches fighting it out with you all as well. we will make it through, together, one way or another.
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Day 1
Again, I'm going out to the bar with a date, I'm bringing the ex an I's puppy, I'm already set to stay the night at the new girls house, but she has a mean dog.
I asked the ex to do me a favor and watch the dog for the night no response. Left it at that. I'm talking to her with indifference, so hopefully this didn't break the rule again.
It's becoming unbearable working with her, I'm contemplating putting my two weeks in until my job with the investment company comes. Any suggestions?
Again, I'm going out to the bar with a date, I'm bringing the ex an I's puppy, I'm already set to stay the night at the new girls house, but she has a mean dog.
I asked the ex to do me a favor and watch the dog for the night no response. Left it at that. I'm talking to her with indifference, so hopefully this didn't break the rule again.
It's becoming unbearable working with her, I'm contemplating putting my two weeks in until my job with the investment company comes. Any suggestions?
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RedScorpion
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Day 14 here.
Pretty depressed right now. Saddened that she didn't even try to save the relationship or work on it at all. No contact attempts from her (or vice versa). She's on a hectic course (which my mom is with her on), so I know she didn't find someone else. She's just very studious I guess. And I guess judgemental, and a know it all (aspects I didn't really see of her). Maybe she's lucky she's on that course. I have a feeling she won't think about it until the course is over, and then by then she'll be over me and she'll go on her merry way. Like it feels like it meant nothing to her. I guess she's pretty self-focused, and lacks empathy about others. Still feels unbelievable. Maybe it's just no contact working in reverse haha.
I know mentally this is probably the best thing long term. Short term, it might have, but I was really irked with her judgementalism already. But doesn't feel like it that's for sure. Go depression phase.
Pretty depressed right now. Saddened that she didn't even try to save the relationship or work on it at all. No contact attempts from her (or vice versa). She's on a hectic course (which my mom is with her on), so I know she didn't find someone else. She's just very studious I guess. And I guess judgemental, and a know it all (aspects I didn't really see of her). Maybe she's lucky she's on that course. I have a feeling she won't think about it until the course is over, and then by then she'll be over me and she'll go on her merry way. Like it feels like it meant nothing to her. I guess she's pretty self-focused, and lacks empathy about others. Still feels unbelievable. Maybe it's just no contact working in reverse haha.
I know mentally this is probably the best thing long term. Short term, it might have, but I was really irked with her judgementalism already. But doesn't feel like it that's for sure. Go depression phase.
Thanks Placidd. The support and education on this forum has helped immensely!
And about that girl at the table, who knows what she is looking for. Don't worry about hurting her, just fvck her, it will make you feel much better.
And about that girl at the table, who knows what she is looking for. Don't worry about hurting her, just fvck her, it will make you feel much better.
Day 2
It is day 2 of NC. My girlfreind of 2.5 years broke up with me last week because she wants to be single and date other guys. It wasn't a complete break up, she said that she wanted to take a break for a few months because i was the only real boyfriend she has had and she wants to see if im the right guy by dating other guys or something. MY goal here is for her to hopefully come back to me and from what i've read the best way to go about this is to just move on. So i guess i'll go with the NC plan and continue to play it by ear.
II
It is day 2 of NC. My girlfreind of 2.5 years broke up with me last week because she wants to be single and date other guys. It wasn't a complete break up, she said that she wanted to take a break for a few months because i was the only real boyfriend she has had and she wants to see if im the right guy by dating other guys or something. MY goal here is for her to hopefully come back to me and from what i've read the best way to go about this is to just move on. So i guess i'll go with the NC plan and continue to play it by ear.
II