Hey all. I'm writing this to note my second journey here with NC. Was in a relationship for 5 months, and broke up 10 days ago now. All the ranges of emotion have flowed through me, right now I'm actually accepting it a little, and expecting that to continue. Not sure if I even want to get into it too much now, so I'll try and keep it brief.
She's a bit older than me, I'm 25, she's 28. First real relationship for both of us. She's religious, virgin, no sex until marriage type stuff, but we still did stuff in bed. I was fine with that. Things were going fairly well until we took a vacation together for a week. Pretty good up until the end, started fighting about smallish stuff, then a couple medium stuff. Stuff like, we were paddling in the ocean in a paddle boat, and I brought up, shame that we didn't do more (something like that). She says "Well I was studying, while you were sleeping". Recurring theme, the lamenting that I get to sleep (on vacation). So I get pissed and tell her, "Do you really think all I do is sleep?". And, this weird hobo guy was standing right behind us for 10-15 min while on the beach, then asked us if we could spare a shirt/shorts. Said no, and he continued to stand there (seriously 2-3 feet behind us). I wanted to move, she didn't see a problem with her, said I could go look for a spot on my own. So I said "Fine, I'll see you later", and went up to the lobby. Felt disrespected that she'd prefer to hang out with some hobo guy than listen to me. Some other things too while on the trip. I also noted that the 'sex' was great up until after wednesday (sat-sat trip), then it died off and she started getting cold, and I backed off as well. Figured giving space would be better.
Got back, I was strongly feeling of breaking up with her. Mom convinced me to wait for some time, and normal to fight with people when you spend that much time with them. So I did. Things were okayish via text/phone, then next time I saw her, fairly awkward. (We live an hour apart as well.) Silence for a week, then took her out for tea. I started the conversation about what happened on vacation, saying the same thing about people fighting while being together for a long time. Kept talking, I tried to root out if she was upset with me for the arguments we had, but she just referred to the 'change' in her sexually I guess, because she kept saying she knew I was careful and respectful to her in that manner, but something changed in her and she didn't know if she liked that. So I said, that's fine, sex or whatever we were doing is not that important to me, that's not what matters to me. I thought it would relieve any pressure there but I guess not.
Continued on, she said she was so busy with course that she didn't even have time for herself (true because she is an overly focused studier and such, but still overall, comon), and that she can't give the time to me, and she didn't want to have to worry about me. I said you don't have to worry about me, I can handle not seeing you, I just need to know if you want to see me. She went silent, I thought "Ffs". Continued on a bit, I said, "Do you want to break up?". She went silent for a bit, then said "I'm sorry". I said "Ok", started up the car, started driving back. Got a bit teary eyed, I must say. I was half-pissed and half-upset. Said "Well, you better just forget about me". I wanted to say something to the effect that I'm not going to stick around and hope or whatever. She said teary "Oh don't say that". Got home, she said "I hope you can forgive me someday" Responded "Yep". Then she said "I'm sorry", and I said "Me too". And that's it.
Well, as sad as it is, writing it all out and having to process it like this just makes me realize how fully dead this relationship is. I was pissed that, it felt like I tried to save it and she didn't, but I tell myself, does it really matter? And doesn't it just reaffirm how dead it is?
My goal here, again, is to shift my thinking from caring how she felt, or the reasons for her actions or whatever, to just caring about how I felt. I did have issues with her, but I wanted to try and work them. She didn't, for whatever her reasons. I always know the underlying truth behind any reasoning for breaking up, is simply because they do not want to be with you, no matter the cover story. It's hard to take. I really do want to cover it with some falsehood about her religion and what we did. And maybe it is part of it. But overall. The decision is based on wanting to be with them.
I totally did not keep this brief, but in writing this, it's given me some unfortunate revelations. And hopefully it'll help out whoever's reading this too. I've been here before, I know (in my head) NC works for me. Just a matter of convincing my heart it's best. It's not that I want to get back together, because I know that would not be good. Just wish it went better in the first place.
