The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[althor]

Here I am. Day 15 of NC or something like that.

It's still on, even though I saw her today. I was with a friend (a guy) having breakfast at a coffee shop and she came right to our table. I should've known (it was one of our common places when we were dating), but hell: the coffee's only $1 and the food's pretty good. So I shouldn't stop hanging out at my favorite spots just because I might bump into her.

I still figured I had to respect NC, at least. My friend and I were almost on our way out. I said hi, all good, and she insisted on asking me a question "in private". I knew it had to do with money but I didn't want to be intrigued all week for this, so I went along. Turns out I was right, and "yes, I can re-pay a little more each month, no problem ", and "I have to go, my friend's waiting for me... bye!!" (she was taking AGES to explain the situation). She was a bit nervous for some reason. That's weird. But... whatever!

Anyway, I tried to keep it as short as possible, and here I am, back in my office and back to NC. Don't know how to feel. But well, time will say. It didn't go bad at all, I think.

 

[RedScorpion]

Anyway, I tried to keep it as short as possible, and here I am, back in my office and back to NC. Don't know how to feel. But well, time will say. It didn't go bad at all, I think.

Good job althor, sounds like it went well. I know the trick here is not to entertain any rethinking about her at all, even though it's very tempting to.

Like mine, I seen her going into work at shift change, first time in a month seeing her, decided to talk with friends as I was entering, completely ignored her. She was pretty much standing there by herself like a loser. She might have looked at me, semi noticed peripherally. Luckily, I'm becoming interested in another girl with real potential, everything about her is great. But still, my mind wants to think about what happened at work (which is really nothing). Must... focus... on... new girl! Haha.

 

[DonnyJuanny]

Damn. I just had a HUGE urge to text her and just ***** at her but I didn't thank God. I had to actively sit down and think about how ****ty a person she was to keep myself from doing it. It just goes to show that there are good and bad days. I really think this instance is going to make me much stronger in the long haul. I just hate that I got so attached cause everything seemed so perfect and then boom she's gone pretending like I never meant a single thing to her. Maybe I didn't. That's likely. I suppose I just got the wool pulled over my eyes. Gotta get stronger. Ain't gonna give her the satisfaction of knowing she can still get to me.

 

[RedScorpion]

I am probably going to run into him again, at some point. How should I act?

Don't treat him any different than anybody else. Treat him like he is a stranger. Be polite, indifferent, generally disconnected. Not rude, or happy, but just think neutral.

With your situation, well first I think the advice around works with guys and girls. We're all human, we react internally similarly, even though we may approach it differently. Such as no contact, it will work on guys (and the response is no contact back), though it has to be carefully used.

I've read your story and though it seems a bit convoluted, there are a few things that stand out to me. Such as your description of him and yourself. You describe him with a bad history with relationships, while yourself as committal. Realize that people with dissimilar stances on how relationships should be, are going to have conflict. Trust is the key. Even further into trust, he doesn't seem like he can find a steady job, and doesn't seem coordinated for his future. And I don't think you respect that in him. I think when all of this overlapped in june/july, you started separating yourself from him then. Maybe consciously, maybe not. When you said 'Hey I'm finding my own place, you should find one as well', I think that was the breaking up point. Because a relationship is not just about being around each other. It's actually both sides contributing to a household, in one form or another. And it sounds like he was just waiting, blowing time.

In all this, you must look after yourself first. I think the right choice is breaking up. Keep optimistic, look for guys that have the traits that you mentally want. Remember that we can literally like or love anyone, though try to do it for what you feel and know is the right reasons.

 

[RedScorpion]

Damn. I just had a HUGE urge to text her and just ***** at her but I didn't thank God. I had to actively sit down and think about how ****ty a person she was to keep myself from doing it. It just goes to show that there are good and bad days. I really think this instance is going to make me much stronger in the long haul. I just hate that I got so attached cause everything seemed so perfect and then boom she's gone pretending like I never meant a single thing to her. Maybe I didn't. That's likely. I suppose I just got the wool pulled over my eyes. Gotta get stronger. Ain't gonna give her the satisfaction of knowing she can still get to me.

I've had those urges to do that too. Don't do it. It literally will not solve anything (unfortunately). It will bounce between missing her and being pissed at her. It does suck wondering if you actually meant anything to her or not, but eventually, it will get to 'who cares what she thinks?'. And your importance of knowing what she thinks of you will shift to knowing what you think of her. That's the key step right there. I just have to remember how I felt most of the time when I was with her. ****. That reinforces it for me.

 

[DonnyJuanny]

I've had those urges to do that too. Don't do it. It literally will not solve anything (unfortunately). It will bounce between missing her and being pissed at her. It does suck wondering if you actually meant anything to her or not, but eventually, it will get to 'who cares what she thinks?'. And your importance of knowing what she thinks of you will shift to knowing what you think of her. That's the key step right there. I just have to remember how I felt most of the time when I was with her. ****. That reinforces it for me.

I just really really want to be done with this entire thing. I hate it. I hate talking to her and I hate not talking to her. It seems like I can't win for losing. I suppose that I'm just having a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

[althor]

@DonnyJuanny sometimes when I get those "urges", just imagining the whole scenario (with a bonus: "I'll send her a nice SMS, but maybe she's with another guy right now?! i don't know! oh well, fck it!") helps me avoid it.

Sometimes I wonder if I just should start talking with her again. She didn't treat me like ****. I'm pissed off at some things but it's nothing serious. And probably we'll end up having sex again. And I really really really liked that with her, lol

But I don't know... I want to do something different this time. That's probably my main motivation. I want to take control of my own life. If I end up being with her again, so be it, but on equal terms, and not just because I'm lonely / horny / pissed off. And I'm already starting to think that maybe I don't actually want to get back with her. Certainly not under the old terms.

For the moment I'm doing good just keeping NC. It feels good. Guys, appreciate that feeling. Getting in control of your own life is cool =)

 

[Cyclops1982]

Did It!!!

Did it! Day 65! Just back from holiday with great friends and feeling so much better than at any time since. Absolutely NC. I'm not fully healed, and had one setback before the holiday even just seeing her from a distance caused me to feel depressed for a whole day, but otherwise definitely on the road back. No need to ever break NC- let her regret it, or if not whatever I don't want to know. Keep going, guys, it definitely does get better and I can't wait for the end of the next 60.

 

[pinkfl]

@RedScorpion:
Yeah, despite his bad history with relationships, it was mainly that he was the committal one to the girls, and they were not committed him. I didn't want to fault him the past relationships.
He knew back in February that my best friend and I were going to be getting a place together, because I was restarting school and I was in a really bad apartment situation. So, he knew that he was only going to be able to stay with me for a month and then that turned into three months.
I respected his desire to try and pull this project through, but I could not respect that he would turn down full time jobs and then complain that he had no stability. And he would also refuse to sign a lease anywhere because he didn't want to be tied down. It's like he didn't know where he wanted to live or what he wanted to do. He's mooching off a bunch of people's places now.

 

[althor]

ALLRIGHT... DAY 1 AGAIN... but.... this is funny...

I ran into her in the morning. And then now in the evening I had to park my car near her class. No parking space and I was almost running out of gas! so I had to do it...

So, right after class, I went to my car and was prepared to just get in and drive. But guess what... NO GAS. My car didn't run!!

Guess what happens... I get out of the car to go the gas station, and there she was, walking hugged with a guy. I think to myself -> FCKKKKK... So I continue walking (behind them), and I was like... "I better say hello". So I go and say hello to her, and then she introduces me to the guy. She was a bit uncomfortable, so of course I figured out something was going on.

So far this is well, normal. I say bye to them, and go to the gas station to get some gas. I come back and drive my car normally. Well I was freaking out but a short call with a girl friend of mine helped a lot. I just told her the story and I just figured out how funny my bad luck was.

Then I get home. And I call her - my ex - and this is where I reset my NC counter I think. I knew she was going home (she was walking to her bus when I bumped into her) so I didn't think I was going to interrupt anything. I end up asking her if she was dating this guy - actually it was a longer conversation but of course it ended getting to this - and well, she was a bit uncomfortable, but she told me that yes, something had happened in these last days.

I did tell her: "Ok, I'm jealous"... but IDK, it wasn't so bad. I wasn't angry, nor sad. I was like... relieved. It finally happened... and then she and I start joking a bit about the situation. For some reason, I told her I pictured her married with this guy with 4 kids and she was like .. "hahaha WTF!! I'm not even dating him!!!".

It's funny, I had to figure out if they had sex, and so I tell her, indirectly, that my fear is "to imagine her smoking weed and making love with this guy". She answers: "hey... I haven't made love with anybody... and you know... I miss it a lot... with you. I miss smoking pot and making love with you, and would love to do it again..."

So I'm in shock now. You know, she's not the kind of girl that teases guys with her sexuality. I know because I've BEEN involved with a girl like that, and it sucks!. So when she told me that, it was like she wanted to tell me all along and just found the perfect moment to say it (I'm not gonna be completely naive, she did want to make me feel better) . I say well "I'd probably like it too...", but I left it at that. No plans or anything. I was so tempted to go to her house TONIGHT, but: 1) there's no guarantee it would happen and then I'd feel like sh it, and 2) i'm too tired and wouldn't perform well anyway and that would be worse!!. Hahaha... So I leave it in my mind for another day. Yeah. I want to "do it one last time". But I promise you people I won't get too hung up with it. It probably won't happen anyway.

I did tell her that well, because of that "making love" comment, I would have her in my mind the following 2 days, and "WHAT A PROBLEM ... THANK YOU, FOR NOTHING!" (with a very faked-angry tone hehe ).

- "hahaha sorry for the impertinence!!!" she says. I end up telling her, "well, if you're gonna be on my mind, at least get some clothes on!!!!" ... she laughs... end of topic...

It's hard to explain this in writing, but it was a good conversation. Maybe I shouldn't've called her at all but I think I didn't take it as bad. I did have to ask her directly I think. And well the conversation was a mix of "I'll be honest, I AM jealous" with some of "I do miss u", with a really nice vibe overall. I find honesty to be a good strategy. I just have to make sure I don't get myself down, though...

And well, girls have a way of playing with our mind. I know. That admission that she wanted to make love to me IS a winning card for her. But guess what? Everybody knows us guys are kinda easy with our sex. Yeah, we try to play hard to get, but c'mon... What IS harder - or at least SHOULD be harder - is getting my attention and my time. My "friend" energy.

So I'll just disappear again. Back in control of myself and after all, I do respect her freedom. Right?

Back to NC. Cheers!!
Thoughts are appreciated of course

p.s.: Sorry if I'm rambling... this has been a crazy night! Going from the gas shop with a gallon of gasoline stored in a make-shift container... priceless. At least I now have a story to tell hehe

p.s.: Yeah, sometimes you make your best effort to avoid someone but this is was just bad luck. Or fate. Actually, it was fate. I'm gonna start believing in karma or something. Anyway...

 

[Albatross953]

Made it, 60 days complete. Feel heaps better, still hooked though still have thoughts. I would still hate to hear she's dating. But at a place where I am also asking Wtf was so special about her. For everyone just starting, it really does get better.

 

[DonnyJuanny]

Trying not to keep track of the days and don't really feel like counting back to find out. Had class with her this morning and I got the strongest urge to just say hey but I didn't. Someone said something funny during class and we both laughed and caught each others eye. It was the first time I've seen her smile in a while. It was still really nice and I think that is what made me want to say hello but I know that nothing I say or do could possibly change anything with this situation. The past couple days I've had the urge to contact her and I think that comes from finally not being as mad at her as I was originally. Like I'm not mad so idk what to feel and then I feel empty and I know she used to make not feel empty. Still going strong on NC but please someone tell me that this phase of wanting to contact will subside soon.

 

[althor]

I'm exactly in the same spot @DonnyJuanny right now. Really not knowing what to do. So I'm still resisting the urge of sending her a message.

I'm pretty sure this will subside, but wow...

 

[Albatross953]

It does guys. Just hang on.

 

[pinkfl]

broke no contact today...he had sent me a message so I responded. He was a complete jerk and so I just left. He then texted me trying to apologize and ask to meet up, I did not respond so he called four times. When he did not get through he called my roommate. I sent him a message telling him that I was busy and that I am not going to meet right now. He then proceeded to hang out with all my friends.

I am done. I am angry and sick of the immature behavior. He needs to be an adult and it is clear that will not happen. I need to just stop thinking he will pull his **** together and stop being the one that gets trampled on.

 

[The Gambler]

I am done. I am angry and sick of the immature behavior. He needs to be an adult and it is clear that will not happen. I need to just stop thinking he will pull his **** together and stop being the one that gets trampled on.

Congrats.... You're right, he is a grown man and probably won't change. And don't be afraid (or ashamed) to get a little p!ssed off about the situation... It is better that you feel p!ssed off rather than a helpless victim -- you'll get over this person MUCH faster.

The Gambler

 

[althor]

Allright so I thought I'd leave you guys an update.

I know this is the "NC", but for me it's more a "get over your ex" thread. So I'm not ashamed to say that I decided to stop doing the NC. I added her back to the chat (which will be the main means of communication since her cell is suspended due to lack of payment, as usual haha). Didn't add her to Facebook, though, that would be probably too much.

Why did I do this? Honestly, even though I think NC did help me, I felt like I was running away from her. Scared of even bumping into her at college. Scared of finding out if she was dating someone. Etc.

The other thing I was thinking it's that doing NC would "force her back", make her miss me. I know this shouldn't be the reason for doing NC, but deep down you still have that feeling. There's no easy way to remove it.

So I decided I had to face my demons, so to speak. After last week's encounter with her and her new guy (the one she insists she's not dating) I had a rough patch over the weekend. Highs and lows. On Monday I saw her, had lunch (well, she ate, I was just hanging around). It was nice.

Still, the main problem remains: she's not interested. She doesn't tell me that. She just says stuff like: "why label our relationship?", "people are too possessive, we all should think on the reasons on that", "our relationship continues, it's just different", etc. I know, emotionally, it's just bull****. And it's funny, 'cause I'm a liberal and rationally, I agree with all that stuff: you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone you don't really want to be with. Everybody has the right to flirt, date, f*ck or do whatever one wants. At least when single. No relationship should be labeled, our love affairs are very fluid and dynamic. Etc.

But yeah, still, let's face it: she's not interested. 'Cause she's not calling me everyday, and she's not asking for dates, and she's not having sex with me. So I have to deal with that. Who knows? Maybe later she will be interested. Or maybe she is dating the guy and she just won't acknowledge it. Why doesn't she do that? Wouldn't be easier for her to just let me know? I know I'd freak out (I already did, actually), but I'd get over it eventually. Probably she just wants to have me around while she makes up her mind. Funny. At least she should have sex with me every once in a while, don't you guys think? (just kidding, sometimes I think I'm not sure I'd go along with it)

Or maybe she told me the truth, the guy was a one-night thing or he's actually friend-zoned (who knows huh?) and she's completely single but still doesn't want to get involved. Or maybe... I'll just forget about it.

For the moment. I'm just stuck. And that's it. I'll have to deal with it.
What will I do? No idea. I'll just take it one day at a time. I do have other things to do with my life, you know.

 

[Albatross953]

For future reference for anyone thinking of breaking no contact...there's nothing there for you. Made contact after67 days. Not even sure why. First text back says "who is this?"

Haha that sounds worse than it feels, but Jesus do these women feel so little? She was crying over me a fewonths ago. Time to break orbit forever and not look back. All the best Ann, sincerely.

 

[DonJuanabe]

"Haha that sounds worse than it feels, but Jesus do these women feel so little?"

Maybe PinkFl will chime in but in my experience... yes. Women can and do void their emotions for you. Gone. They will then alter reality to prove to themselves that they should feel that way (i.e. no feelings or negative ones) even if that new reality is simply not possible.

Females are strange in that they can be loving and sweet on one hand and cold and heartless on the other.

 

[wpet16]

Hi all,
I broke my No Contact over the weekend, after she contacted me with, a stupid message saying she hoped I was OK after my messages a few weeks ago and that she didn't hate me and hoped I was still smiling.

We were only seeing each other for a couple of months,I won't go into the details, they're on the below thread but it still hurts to think she's now seeing someone else:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=197982


I basically just ended everything as polite as possible in my message and just said good luck with everything, apologised (I know..) for sending her stupid messages afterwards. Anyway it's done now and hopefully the games will stop, I don't think she'll contact again.

I do feel stupid for replying though! It's onto day 1 now.. I literally was pretty much over it at the weekend but this has managed to put me in a spin again!