Greetings.
I am actually a female that found the advice in here to be helpful through a google search. (sorry for invading, guys)
Here's my story: (I apologize for the length)
Dated this guy for 3 years. He had a really bad history when it came to relationships...dated cheats, sleeparounds, and one girl even used him to cheat on her real boyfriend and he didn't know until he showed up at his door to attack him. So basically? Loads of trust issues.
I'm a real committal type of girl. I don't go out and do things to make my guy worry about me (like get drunk in bars and flirt with random guys) and I do everything in my power to make the guy I'm with feel like a man. And I was pretty much his "dream girl" (or so he told me, and others). I was his "type" and he felt like I was the one that he had been waiting for, for all these years. He told me that he was in love with me, and wanted to marry me.
First two years of the relationship were great. Had rough spots but always worked through it. Thing is, he holds NASTY grudges. For years. I think he STILL wants to get back at that other girl that used him to cheat on her real boyfriend and it was 4-5 years ago.
We graduated college together, and he had to give up a job and his apartment to go take care of his mom after major surgery. And I understood completely that he needed to be there for her. I had done the same thing for my dad twice after he had back surgery. So we were long distance for a period of 8 months. The first 3-4 months, he was not able to visit me, and I was not able to visit him. Skype isn't really enough for either party because in a LDR, without enough shared experiences the conversations really do boil down to "I miss you, I want to see you again"
Petty fights happened. "Why didn't you call? Why couldn't you stay on the phone? What do you mean, you can't visit when you said you would?" Stuff like that. Neither of us felt fully supported or appreciated, such is the nature of long distance. I started to go through something pretty serious: I was being harassed and stalked and had to get a restraining order against a very rich and powerful woman that had a grudge against me (also she was psychotic). I was really scared all the time and I needed support, and so I begged him to find a way to come back now that his mom was better.
He started the job hunt. The best job he could find was part time temporary work, and he didn't really like the job. He made a lot of foolish mistakes and they didn't keep him. It was a blow to his ego, I'm sure. Especially when I found out that he used to not clock in when he showed up to work...he figured they would just edit his punches later.
Eventually he managed to find a potential job opportunity in my town. It was agreed that he would stay with me for ONE MONTH and see how the job pans out. I have two emails from him saying "I can't wait to live with you, even if it's just for a month."
He shows up in April. He pays half my rent, and things are going much better now that we are in town together. Communication is improved. I was towards the end of dealing with my stalker. The project/job opportunity ends up taking two months so he is still at my apartment in May. Then...nothing for June. They never signed the contract. He isn't working and he's pretty much just killing time, waiting for the contract to be signed. I don't say anything, just keep encouraging him whenever he tells me he is worried.
July, I mention to him we need to eat the rest of the food in the fridge before we buy more because I have to move at the beginning of August, and asked if he had found his own place yet. He explodes that I've "screwed him over" and that he didn't know he wasn't going to be with me in the new apartment. I explained that because my best friend and I didn't know how long he would be in town for, we ended up finding a third roommate to sign our lease and you don't want to sign a lease. He storms out and I don't hear from him for the rest of the night.
The next day I get home from work and all his stuff is moved out. He shows up late that night telling me that he's decided he's not going to stay with me for the rest of July because he no longer feels welcomed, and that he's going to stay with a friend instead. I tried telling him that maybe since the contract hasn't been signed yet, he should start looking into schools again (to get health insurance, he's turning 26 this year) and possibly to get a job to support himself. I wasn't asking him to do anything I wasn't already doing myself. He took it as me looking down on him and he kept saying that I screwed him over and that I must want out of the relationship because I think he's a loser and that I'm trying to distance myself.
Ultimately, that month was spent with me having to put whatever emotions I was feeling on hold to act "peppy" and "happy to see him" and dress a certain way and whatever to get him to spend time with me. He would keep saying he didn't feel welcomed anymore and then leave. I would practically roll out the red carpet for him, make all his favorite meals, plan a fun evening, etc.
Eventually he got part time work and he kept complaining about how much he hated it. I was as sympathetic as possible, and I would make nice dinners for him whenever I could and I would try to make him feel better but it didn't work. He then decided to move 80 miles away to some friends in another town, and only come down on the weekends for his part time job, and then drive back. I would only see him on the weekends and he was bleeding a lot of money for gas.
On August 17th, I called him and I was starting a 5 hour drive back to town after visiting my parents. I let him know about how I'm going to focus 100% on school since my job was cutting my position and he was like "oh so it's ok for you not to work, but for me it's not ok? How is your situation any different than mine?". I was really offended and I said "well let's compare resumes, I've been supporting myself for years and you are still trying to figure stuff out". His response? You know what, I'm done with this relationship. We're breaking up.
Yes. After three years of dating, he dumped me over the phone. I tried calling back, and it was pointless. I somehow managed to get myself safely home and I was absolutely heartbroken and distraught. He also made it very public on Facebook that we had broken up and was already flirting with other girls. That day was a mutual friend's birthday, and he couldn't even look me in the eye. Despite how I was feeling, I bit my tongue and I didn't dramatically post on facebook telling everyone what happened and I didn't try to hurt him even though I desperately wanted to. I am definitely NOT that crazy ex girlfriend that acts like a psycho.
A week later, I ran into him at swing dancing and he was very adamant that we aren't a "thing" anymore. He did say he still loves me, but we aren't healthy for each other and that he's been miserable for a year. He's essentially re-written history in his mind and is holding a grudge for not feeling consistently appreciated and understood.
On day 15 of no contact (I decided after running into him that I needed to just let it go) he sent me a very long message trying to 1. Explain why we broke up, 2. Who he blames (doesn't want to blame anybody), 3. Desire to be friends after he gets loads of space, and 4. To brag that the contract got signed, and now he's got his dream jobs all lined up. He then closed with "Lastly, I’d like to know this message reached you. Yet, at risk of sounding cold, I’d rather not get into a conversation. Like I said, I still ache and I need space."
Today is Day 18 of no contact. I did not respond to his letter because I don't accept apologies over Facebook (especially if you broke up with me over the phone, dear God just come over and say it in person if you really mean it) and I just don't want to say the wrong thing.
Ultimately, the reason he and I broke up was due to scheduling issues and lack of communication. He ONLY wanted to talk when I was half asleep. Both of those things, scheduling and lack of communication, can be FIXED with EFFORT. I am 100% willing to put in the effort. I'm willing to admit that I might have been wrong and actually try to fix the behavior. However, he is unwilling to let go of past grudges and is even trying to pretend that HE got dumped for sympathy. (His/Our friends are getting pissed at him for that one).
*heavy sigh*
My parents have been married for 28 years, been together for 30. I have SEEN what it takes to make a relationship work. It's not easy. The grass might be greener on the other side, but you still have to water it. His parents are divorced, so maybe that's part of why he thinks that once things aren't perfect, you need to break up?
I still want to work on things. I am very willing to forgive, to not bring up the past, to not hold a grudge.
I am probably going to run into him again, at some point. How should I act?
