The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[DonnyJuanny]

Hey fellas,

2nd attempt at NC here for me. Did it for a while but got sucked back into the web for a bit. Oh well, what is life without a few screwups, right? Trying hard to learn my lesson. On day approx. 11 right now and feeling better everyday. Still think of her a ton but the lows aren't nearly as bad and I'm getting back to a more even keel. I'm tearing down the (ridiculously undeserved) pedestal that I placed her upon and she doesn't like it.

For the first few days of NC she kept texting me saying that we didn't have to hate each other but when I didn't respond I suppose she decided that we did need to hate each other. She blocked my number on her phone after she found out I deleted my FB and twitter. I admit that the only reason I know this is because when I was very drunk (also trying to work on drinking) I called her and it said the call couldn't be connected due to restrictions. Sucked at first but it makes this a lot easier, right? Best of luck fellas. I'll be back.

 

[Time_2_Change]

Wow, this is heavy.. thanks for sharing.

Technically, the "No Contact" rule doesn't apply here in the strict sense... She has already moved on and has a new love interest, so she probably won't care that you aren't contacting her. But the essence of the rule still applies: You need to do this for YOURSELF... not for her, and not for anyone else.

Unless the relationship was 100% bad, well of course there will be things you miss about the two of you. Don't get overly sentimental with those good memories. That's all in the past and it's time to find a better fit.

Most women are 90% emotion. As we know, once their emotional focus shifts from you to someone else, it's over Johnny. Even if she wants to come back down the road, it's because her first choice didn't work out... And who knows how long it'll be until ANOTHER "better" choice comes along again? You can't live that way, sir.

Get pissed off. Get right with yourself. Get back on track with your life... Whatever that means to you personally. Just don't try to get BACK WITH HER.

The Gambler

Thanks Gambler. I appreciate the input. I am doing this for me. It's for me to get over her. I know that I would never get back together with her, but I felt that I could not let her go. Plus, I didn't think I could find someone like her again. Smarts, fit and beautiful.

Strangely after typing my story and sleeping on it, I feel a whole lot better. Thanks again for reading and giving me some insight!

 

[DonnyJuanny]

Back again fellas. Just having one of those episodes where you can't seem to get them off your mind. It seems to be a nice release to post here. It seems to help with the passing of these little phases even though I haven't really said anything or let anything out.

 

[RedScorpion]

Back again fellas. Just having one of those episodes where you can't seem to get them off your mind. It seems to be a nice release to post here. It seems to help with the passing of these little phases even though I haven't really said anything or let anything out.

I agree, it's good having this thread. Whenever I get doubts or questions in my head, it's a good refresher coming here and reading other's experiences. Reconfirming that what you're doing is the best thing. Time definitely does help. I'm on week 3 or 7, not 100% yet over her, but I definitely see the end. Next step I think is opening myself back up to other girls, and having the natural motivation for it (which I have something lined up for the weekend, internally though still feeling meh. Working on that)

 

[DonnyJuanny]

I agree, it's good having this thread. Whenever I get doubts or questions in my head, it's a good refresher coming here and reading other's experiences. Reconfirming that what you're doing is the best thing. Time definitely does help. I'm on week 3 or 7, not 100% yet over her, but I definitely see the end. Next step I think is opening myself back up to other girls, and having the natural motivation for it (which I have something lined up for the weekend, internally though still feeling meh. Working on that)

I think that is one of the most difficult things. I KNOW that I NEED to get back out there but my heart still hurts. I just don't know that I'm ready to be back out in the mix yet. However,I know that is the only way to finally be rid of her.

 

[DonJuanabe]

You need to understand that the lies/falsehoods are typical female behavior. Your situation is not unusual. To help justify how they feel, women will alter reality to fit how they feel, even if that new reality could not possibly be true. You cannot do anything about that. If you confront her you'll either make her feel worse -- so you lose -- or she ignores what you are saying because she doesn't want to hear it.

The only thing you'll gain by fighting this is your own personal turmoil.

 

[Cyclops1982]

So true

You need to understand that the lies/falsehoods are typical female behavior. Your situation is not unusual. To help justify how they feel, women will alter reality to fit how they feel, even if that new reality could not possibly be true. You cannot do anything about that. If you confront her you'll either make her feel worse -- so you lose -- or she ignores what you are saying because she doesn't want to hear it.

The only thing you'll gain by fighting this is your own personal turmoil.

The above is absolutely true. Except I would put it like this: It's not "lying" in the same sense as guys, it's just women use communication to translate emotions rather than facts. That's why I realized I was screwed even when I could "disprove" most of the crap she came up with to end it. It doesn't matter what you say- how she FEELS determines it. The reality in her mind will happily ignore irrelevent facts or even chop and change at will. She'll even believe some of the things she's saying even if they are untrue - they have an amazing ability to convince themselves of stuff, and are stubborn with it. So yeah, stick with it, dudes, and definitely don't bother trying to reason or rationalize your way out of the jam. Only NC has any chance of starting afresh (and she may even one day settle to a real appreciation of you or your old relationship without you around, though that's not the point).

DAY 51 completed. Mostly not actually having a problem with NC, but still think about her every day, against my will, and occasionally have to resist the natural interest in what she may be doing (though not tempted to look into it - though it would be easy, I know that can only bring pain). Said it before, but getting laid has been the best thing in terms of regaining self-esteem and motivation. Still angry and had a few days of sadness, but these are becoming much less intense, and I can feel myself becoming more resolute and it's much easier to focus on myself now. Can't believe I only have 9 days left to complete the challenge. No intention of ending NC though. Ever.

 

[Albatross953]

Day 47, a week ago I went somewhere with mutual friends, and risked seeing her. She wasn't there, but it still sucked after. I was angry, sad, hurt the whole nine yards. And upset that I missed the chance to display indifference but I know that would have been a disaster. Best to stay nc. Still think of her every day. Other plates helping, but not a cure, just a treatment.

 

[DonnyJuanny]

Still going with mine now. Like everyone else I still think of her everyday. I was wondering if anyone has an tips for getting her off your mind and how to resist the temptation to just talk to her when it gets what is seemingly unbearable.

 

[Albatross953]

If I had that I would bottle it and sell it. I'd have enough money that I'd never have to worry about oneitis again.

 

[RedScorpion]

Alright, I'll try to explain the process I went through. At the beginning, you're always thinking of her, trying to figure out 'maybe if I did this, instead of doing this', or 'why did she do that', etc. Circular thinking on the issue. What I've found is, once you disconnect from that, you start to recover. First step is cutting off any new and additional information, that will cause your mind to process 'her' and maybe reprocess old info. That's the most important step to maintain all throughout. Next, is trying to break the cycle of thinking of her in any regard. This not only includes your feelings, but anticipating seeing her, or your reactions. What she's doing. Anything. Work on this gradually. Suppress it as well as you can, by thinking about anything else. Preferably something that stimulates your creative processes and is fun to you. Apply this over several weeks. Last tactic, find something that draws your emotions elsewhere. Several things do this - horror games, music (classical seems to work best, even though it's not my preferred genre), other women (big help), argument with a friend (not recommended but happened to me and refocused myself a bit on that).

Bit of a wall of text, so I'll highlight the main points.
-Cut off any new and additional info about her (NO CONTACT, no info from your friends, full avoidance, indifference if seen, react treat her like you would a stranger/acquaintance. Have this standardized so you don't think 'how should I react' and reprocess that way.)
-Recognize the circular thinking, and wean yourself off it
-Stimulate your creative side, and get emotionally interested in another subject (a girl is best, but many other things work well in helping too)

It does take time, for sure. You will get through it, trust me.

 

[Purefilth]

Alright, I'll try to explain the process I went through. At the beginning, you're always thinking of her, trying to figure out 'maybe if I did this, instead of doing this', or 'why did she do that', etc. Circular thinking on the issue. What I've found is, once you disconnect from that, you start to recover. First step is cutting off any new and additional information, that will cause your mind to process 'her' and maybe reprocess old info. That's the most important step to maintain all throughout. Next, is trying to break the cycle of thinking of her in any regard. This not only includes your feelings, but anticipating seeing her, or your reactions. What she's doing. Anything. Work on this gradually. Suppress it as well as you can, by thinking about anything else. Preferably something that stimulates your creative processes and is fun to you. Apply this over several weeks. Last tactic, find something that draws your emotions elsewhere. Several things do this - horror games, music (classical seems to work best, even though it's not my preferred genre), other women (big help), argument with a friend (not recommended but happened to me and refocused myself a bit on that).

Bit of a wall of text, so I'll highlight the main points.
-Cut off any new and additional info about her (NO CONTACT, no info from your friends, full avoidance, indifference if seen, react treat her like you would a stranger/acquaintance. Have this standardized so you don't think 'how should I react' and reprocess that way.)
-Recognize the circular thinking, and wean yourself off it
-Stimulate your creative side, and get emotionally interested in another subject (a girl is best, but many other things work well in helping too)

It does take time, for sure. You will get through it, trust me.

Very good advice redscorpion. Repped

 

[althor]

I'll join you guys too

(FUUUUCK this ended up being a long post... Well if you want to read it, be my guest!)

Thought I'd join in great thread!! 3 years long and still active, makes one think how common this problem is.

So ... officialy it would be "Day 3 of NC", even though we broke up almost 3 months ago. After 2 initial weeks of hell I initially tried a "light NC" (as in I wouldn't contact her but if she contacted me I would respond), and it was working, except for a couple of things: Facebook, and the hope I still maintained of getting back with her.

You see, this wasn't a traumatic experience. She was actually a nice girl, always glad to see me, generally caring. She didn't cheat on me. At least I don't think she did... - of course it could be just me being naive, but a previous girlfriend I had DID cheat on me and it was way more painful. And evident. So I allow myself to think good of this girl. Sometimes I still think that maybe i'm just being a dope and that everything's a lie, but hell... whatever

So I just think the girl wasn't that interested anymore. It was the 3rd time we broke up. She made up some excuses, of course: "she doesn't like my political affiliations" ... haha.. even though they're pretty much the same. But as Cyclops1982 said a couple of posts ago, it's her FEELINGS that count, not the actual reasons.

I know at some point I screwed up. This was a girl that was VERY interested at first, and that would actively look for ways of being with me. Even telling me directly that she wanted to be my GF (one of my best memories, I guess I'll just get nostalgic with that!). And well I made some mistakes... I think she did too, but I least I think I do have some things to learn from the experience. I didn't cheat on her (used to be a problem for me), so that's good.

But anyway, that initial interest of her makes the change more painful. Right now, what I get is just ... disinterest. A certain kind of indifference. She still cares for me. She still smiles at me and hugs me, and before we broke up she still had sex with me and was happy with it. But it was just clear that she didn't see me the same way.

So I tried to put some distance. Until one week and a half ago. I checked her Facebook (as I usually did even though I wasn't talking TO her) and saw a post from a guy. Nothing fancy. No love declarations, or anything, just a random "hey sorry! my cell just died!!" post on her wall. And she answered, again, in a regular conversation. Asked him if he was trying to "play hard to get".

Of course I freaked out. I contacted her (broke my "NC" haha), indirectly commented her about the guy. I didn't poke too much, and she actually OFFERED me an explanation - well, she was buying weed from the guy, and the guy just disappeared and that was him apologizing. And her comment was just regular joking. Was it true? Probably... but who cares??? It's my own reaction to this stuff that concerned me. What would happen if there was an actual "hey I just love spending the night with you" message on her FB, or something like that? I'd probably end up jumping from a bridge!! (heheh not really .. I wouldn't do that ever, but you guys get me).

So I took her out FB. Still, I started SMSing her. We talked for a bit during that week. Then she asks me out. For coffee. On Thursday. So IDK, maybe I just got a bit overexcited, not because everything would be solved, but because I actually wanted to see her.

She did show up, with a girl friend. Spent 10 minutes with me (and her) and then they took off. I was pissed. Why? What was I expecting?

So I decided to do a proper NC this time. Yes, I'm afraid that if I ignore her I'll come out as "immature". I'm afraid that if I actually tell her I don't want to hear from her anymore, she will do just that. And the worst part is: she hasn't written or called (only once, but it was a "thank you" message for an e-mail of mine telling her I deposited some money I owe her). So generally, I've been unable to "ignore her".

But heh... anyway, this is for ME! Right??? So I move on. Last night I had a date with another girl, it was going very well until I tried to kiss her. Typical "I misunderstood your signals". She got annoyed that I insisted a bit (I guess I wasn't on my best) and told me she had to leave early. Damn!

But anyway ... the worst thing is... I didn't care for that rejection that much. Whatever, I guess. I'm kinda numb, emotionally.

So... i really have no idea what will happen. That's my story, for anyone who read it completely, thanks!

Wish me luck!

 

[Albatross953]

Do you want the bad news with or without the sugar coating? You're screwed. Just like the rest of us. You should just tell her it's not working if you must say anything. Then go ghost. It will suck for a long time. But the alternative really is worse. Seven weeks today for me.

good luck

 

[drellum]

(FUUUUCK this ended up being a long post... Well if you want to read it, be my guest!)

Thought I'd join in great thread!! 3 years long and still active, makes one think how common this problem is.

So ... officialy it would be "Day 3 of NC", even though we broke up almost 3 months ago. After 2 initial weeks of hell I initially tried a "light NC" (as in I wouldn't contact her but if she contacted me I would respond), and it was working, except for a couple of things: Facebook, and the hope I still maintained of getting back with her.

You see, this wasn't a traumatic experience. She was actually a nice girl, always glad to see me, generally caring. She didn't cheat on me. At least I don't think she did... - of course it could be just me being naive, but a previous girlfriend I had DID cheat on me and it was way more painful. And evident. So I allow myself to think good of this girl. Sometimes I still think that maybe i'm just being a dope and that everything's a lie, but hell... whatever

So I just think the girl wasn't that interested anymore. It was the 3rd time we broke up. She made up some excuses, of course: "she doesn't like my political affiliations" ... haha.. even though they're pretty much the same. But as Cyclops1982 said a couple of posts ago, it's her FEELINGS that count, not the actual reasons.

I know at some point I screwed up. This was a girl that was VERY interested at first, and that would actively look for ways of being with me. Even telling me directly that she wanted to be my GF (one of my best memories, I guess I'll just get nostalgic with that!). And well I made some mistakes... I think she did too, but I least I think I do have some things to learn from the experience. I didn't cheat on her (used to be a problem for me), so that's good.

But anyway, that initial interest of her makes the change more painful. Right now, what I get is just ... disinterest. A certain kind of indifference. She still cares for me. She still smiles at me and hugs me, and before we broke up she still had sex with me and was happy with it. But it was just clear that she didn't see me the same way.

So I tried to put some distance. Until one week and a half ago. I checked her Facebook (as I usually did even though I wasn't talking TO her) and saw a post from a guy. Nothing fancy. No love declarations, or anything, just a random "hey sorry! my cell just died!!" post on her wall. And she answered, again, in a regular conversation. Asked him if he was trying to "play hard to get".

Of course I freaked out. I contacted her (broke my "NC" haha), indirectly commented her about the guy. I didn't poke too much, and she actually OFFERED me an explanation - well, she was buying weed from the guy, and the guy just disappeared and that was him apologizing. And her comment was just regular joking. Was it true? Probably... but who cares??? It's my own reaction to this stuff that concerned me. What would happen if there was an actual "hey I just love spending the night with you" message on her FB, or something like that? I'd probably end up jumping from a bridge!! (heheh not really .. I wouldn't do that ever, but you guys get me).

So I took her out FB. Still, I started SMSing her. We talked for a bit during that week. Then she asks me out. For coffee. On Thursday. So IDK, maybe I just got a bit overexcited, not because everything would be solved, but because I actually wanted to see her.

She did show up, with a girl friend. Spent 10 minutes with me (and her) and then they took off. I was pissed. Why? What was I expecting?

So I decided to do a proper NC this time. Yes, I'm afraid that if I ignore her I'll come out as "immature". I'm afraid that if I actually tell her I don't want to hear from her anymore, she will do just that. And the worst part is: she hasn't written or called (only once, but it was a "thank you" message for an e-mail of mine telling her I deposited some money I owe her). So generally, I've been unable to "ignore her".

But heh... anyway, this is for ME! Right??? So I move on. Last night I had a date with another girl, it was going very well until I tried to kiss her. Typical "I misunderstood your signals". She got annoyed that I insisted a bit (I guess I wasn't on my best) and told me she had to leave early. Damn!

But anyway ... the worst thing is... I didn't care for that rejection that much. Whatever, I guess. I'm kinda numb, emotionally.

So... i really have no idea what will happen. That's my story, for anyone who read it completely, thanks!

Wish me luck!

Yeah, NC is tough at first and in the end becomes curiously empowering.

It is a bit of a head Fcuk dating too early after the break up - well that is what I found.

Best bit of advice I can offer is be all or nothing with regards to nc. No half measures. Take it to extremes....it helps.

I closed facebook (do not look at her profile....don't let her see yours)
Distanced mutual friends to the point of hardly ever seeing them
blocked all email, phone numbers
never ask about her - tell others that might know her to never speak about you.

Give it 2-3 months and you'll be fine. At that point she will probably come back to haunt you :-D

 

[Who Dares Win]

Regarding the no contact Im actually curious how do you explain the process that make girls coming back to you in some cases.

We agrees that deleting a girl from our life make sure if done correctly that we will let her slip into oblivion but somehow for girls is different, in many cases they regrow interest.

Do you think its a matter of ego or the need for drama and mind fvcking or else?

 

[drellum]

Regarding the no contact Im actually curious how do you explain the process that make girls coming back to you in some cases.

We agrees that deleting a girl from our life make sure if done correctly that we will let her slip into oblivion but somehow for girls is different, in many cases they regrow interest.

Do you think its a matter of ego or the need for drama and mind fvcking or else?

Often "Grass is always greener" and sometimes neediness....hardly ever for the right reasons - "I made a mistake and I love you after all"

 

[althor]

Regarding my ex, my idea of her is that she's one of the most secure persons I've ever met. It's actually something I like. And it's probably an idealization of her (!!), but I've been for a while under the idea that I'm more insecure than she is.

It's good, 'cause on one hand if she asks me to be together again I'd know she means it, at least to some degree. But after a while I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of being dumped again. At least not while I'm here obsessing about the situation. And I'm kinda of a proud guy anyway. Makes me wonder why I cut her so much slack

In any case, I'm really tired of "waiting" for her, emotionally. That's the hard part of NC and of breaking up, I think. To just stop hoping that we're getting back together and move on with my life.

But anyway, NC is also a way of proving myself that I'm not that bad, even though I need some extreme measures at first. Today's one of my hard days: we both have class at the same hour, and after class I know where her bus stop is. Ahhh!! NC!!

Thanks guys!

 

[DonnyJuanny]

Day 17ish. Trying to not keep count. Pretty much at this point have accepted that she'll enter my mind and there isn't anything I can do about it for the time being. I just let the thoughts in for a minute and reminisce for a second and then try to move onto something else. I blocked her from everything and that seems to be key. For a while I was still checking her twitter and FB and then it just hit me like a ton of bricks that nothing good was going to come from that. All I would see is her living her life without me and seemingly having a good time. I would be lying if I said that way down the line I wouldn't mind reconciliation but at this point that can't happen and we need to live our own lives. Still hurts to think about but it seems to be getting better. Little by little.

 

[DonnyJuanny]

I think I may have had a little epiphany last night. I was just laying in bed thinking about a conversation my mother and I had earlier where she told me that she thought the ex may a slight bi-polar problem. For some reason that hit me like a ton of bricks. People had told me before that this woman was crazy but I always just kind of agreed and shrugged it off. I always thought that I had made the mistakes. Then, like I said, last night I realized that, while I had made some mistakes, every big fight in the relationship and since the relationship ended was caused by her.

We would try to reconcile and everything would be ok for a few days and then like a light switch something would change and she would be back to the same things. I think that I'm over the worst of this and am looking forward to the future for the first time in a while. Hope to keep this up.