First, I'll say - don't be so hard on yourself. You did the right thing, even if it took a bit later than it could have been. As odd as it may sound - it's good in a sense that you're feeling guilt over this, as this shows you have some sense of empathy towards your wife and the situation. Some men and women have no such culpability in them - and so they create much harder lives for everyone around them because of this. So don't feel entirely bad.
Not knowing is going to be very tough - but I would try to limit the speculation. It's your heart trying to look for ways back in and connect with her, and drive it back to full engagement. Hoping and wanting that 'dream' of reconnecting and confessing love and all that. But this is all just hopeful fantasies, to please the mind. And ultimately absorb you more.
Look at it this way. She has a method to communicate with you. You clearly gave her an 'in' to contact you if she truly wanted to. If she was crying over you, and couldn't bear to be without you - she would circumvent that theoretical 'no contact' by the company, and write you. Especially because you specifically gave her your email. Rules wouldn't stop **** - she could create another email and contact you under an alias and such. Regardless - she would path a way to contact you. But she hasn't.
You didn't close the door completely on her in any case - but I think you and her are both mature enough to know the reality of the situation here. And you know what you want as well, since you've already made a big step towards it - the survival, and hopefully revival of your marriage. Think of trying to respark that love with your wife as a goal.
Remember that the things we cannot have - always seem to be of even higher value. You'll have to overcome this. And time will help. The trick is not to feed the negative emotions and feedback you're giving yourself. "I messed up. I ****ed up. I threw what we had away. It's all my fault." as an example. Try to stop yourself as soon as you start getting into it. Think of your wife or other things. I think we tend to 'love' the things we think of most, as some kind of feedback reinforcement.
Anyway. You're doing the right thing. Keep pushing through. That goes for everyone else as well.
Dude - thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me with this great advice.
An update, it’s now around 35 days NC and I’m going from day to day from unbearable sadness to feeling ‘meh’, to feeling angry at her, to wanting to break NC.
I don’t know what to do. And this means I will probably continue to ignore.
Problem is, this is so different to your usual breakup/NC situation. There are many more factors at play. Eg if she was single she would be much more likely to contact me, but she’s not and I know that she is BADLY affected by guilt of the emotional affair we had.
She also knows I’m married and does not want to appear a ‘homewrecker’ - she has said this herself - it’s another reason she may not be contacting me.
DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX...is advice I read all the time. But does this apply in my situation??? As at the moment we can’t be anything BUT friends (both in committed relationships).
Maybe I should stay low contact friends with her so as not to burn bridges, and then in the future if we’re both single we may end up together?
I’ve just about realised in these 35 days that if she turned up on my doorstep and said “come with me now, leave your wife” - I would probably say no. But that does not mean I don’t want to be friends with the girl and would want something to happen if circumstances changed in the future.
