@Asmodeus One thing mentioned about BPDs is their splitting mechanism (e.g. they either adore you or you're nothing to them) however I haven't really noticed this dynamic with you and your ex based on your posts. If she was "painted black" by you then shouldn't we be seeing more posts by yourself in complete disdain of her?[/QUOTE]
Nobody is devoid of emotion. BPD show a grand range of emotions. No single category of psychiatric illness is devoid of emotions. They just differ in tempo.
I am not quite like the BPD cases, similar in many ways but a bit different... ASPD is so similar, but yet different. I do split things, but not in the same exact way... I split weak and strong and have a disdain for what I would perceive as weakness in people. I had disdain for my ex for what I saw as hers. In fact, once she said she loved me... I grabbed her hair, pulled it (I am incredibly strong so she is lucky it all did not rip straight out of her scalp). Told her she was delusional... Told her, her emotions weakened her and turned her into a little *****. Told her that she was not special, told her to never feel she was special again. Because she said she loved me, and because I felt that she was weak for saying it... I hurt her because she loved... I think I was trying to tell her something, to prove to her how bad her own emotions were causing her to suffer. The only way I thought I could prove it was to show it, a display.
People like me always have to think, consider, be aware of ourselves. Think of every action done and think about it not in our own mind, try to reassess things we do and think. Same with BPD... Cluster B are not evil, just out of touch with reality in the way you understand it. They are victims of their condition every bit as much as those affected by their actions.
I never quite idealized her. I cannot describe it, but I was able to remove her humanity from her. To see her as less than something human. That is a kind of devaluation. To see her as an object. An object can be owned. But it was not always such, sometimes I did care for her sometimes I did not... But I do not know why and why not. It is hard to explain I am not sure what my mindset was and still is, it is kind of scrambled and even if I understood it I do not think I could have it make sense to those without the capacity to comprehend it and see it as I do. It is complex.
I may have had disdain for her in some ways, perhaps still the weakness I see in her. But I reached an awareness that few do. I understand myself. Also keep in mind, I am perhaps the most high functioning that I can possibly attain for my kind of diagnosis. To sum it up... I cannot change the way I feel, but I can change the way I behave.
very few things are pure good or pure evil in life.
Good and evil... Absurd concepts. The US claims justice in WW2 but if Hitler had won he would have claimed justice and called his actions good. Good and evil are only seen through personal views and opinions. We all rationalize and alter our beliefs based upon our own perception of reality. You have to reason, think logically, look at things objectively and be more aware of the world around you. There have been serial killers like Jim Jones who thought what they did was good and truly believed it (heck ISIS believes what they do is good).
In that case, it's a bit refreshing that every once in a while even the demon's knees buckle. Unproductive as it is I've often wondered if she ever gotten drunk and cried over a pillow for me any night in the last year.
Maybe, or maybe she is so caught in her delusion and completely unaware of herself. If she is aware, if she understands herself as being BPD and looks at her actions as such then maybe she would see what she did to you as something she caused. I can fully understand why one would choose to ignore what they understand of themselves. It is so much easier to believe the lies we tell ourselves and our own fabrication of reality than to truly look past it all. It would be so much easier to blame you instead of understand the truth. I have tried to show the reality to Cluster B cases before, I have reasoned with them. But many do not want to believe, they know and understand it but they REFUSE to believe it. It is a defense mechanism. It is very hard to explain this... It is not normal thinking... I have been trying to tell this to psych professionals for a LONG time.
