The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[SuccessIsDestiny]

New to the forum great posts and feedback. Coming up on our two year anniversary I get the we need to talk speech. Boom drops the bomb things aren't the same. I tried to talk and sort out the real issues and it was a no go it was a done deal.

Since then she texted me to drop the rest of my things off but I told her to drop them at my brothers since I was busy and he lives a few minutes away from her (my way of initiating no contact). I didn't tell her that was the reason why. She texted back a little pissed saying she would wait to drop it off a different day. But I texted her that would be easier.

She texted me on bday a couple of weeks ago but I didn't bother to reply(maintain NC). All in all I went with my gut on my actions. This no contact period is giving way to more clarity about the situation and helping me move on. It's tough been a roller coaster ride since.

DAY 22

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange Ultimately time and time alone makes these longings and flashbacks of the past disappear.

My ex wants to start having hook ups with me no strings attached. How tempting is that?! Her DD's in my face again is a very appealing prospect but I know my weakness for her - it took e three months to get her out of my every thought- and know that I will get drawn back in again and risks ruining my new relationship.

 

[Carpathian]

@SuccessIsDestiny You are holding your frame brilliantly, well done. Avoiding her during the item exchange was an excellent move (adds value to you as well because you showed her you did not need to see her "one final time", something that she probably wanted). Also ignoring her on the birthday.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 37

Perhaps the first day I've truly realised that NC is all about you. The woman is not significant.

Focus on the self.

 

[FinallyFree]

Hey Alex,
I read your posts here in the NC-thread, and I think you know the deal with BPD. So to me it seems there is only one thing left to do for you, or two:
1. Just forgive her. BPDs are pathological liars, almost have no self-concept or at least a very fragile one so they adopt yours, because they can´t be alone. From my experience with my BPD-Ex I think theese girls felt so much unimaginable pain in their childhood and even later in their down-peirods (feeling dpressed, lonly, empty) as adults, err in an adult body, because emotionally they are like 3-year old child. Ever seen a 3-year old child that has remorse or conscience or takes resposibility? No they just don´t have theese and BPDs don´t have it either because of this f@cked up disease, but so many Ex-Lovers of BPDs except them to have it. But it just won´t happen. Never! I think that´s also one of the points, why you won´t get any closure with theese girls. You just have to make it for own.

Another thing is about abandonment. They have been abandoned as childs. Just imagine the incredible pain. As chils they had no chance to do anything against the
life-threathing abuse they experienced! It is an existential fear of them to be abandoned, therefore they have to abandon you in a break up not the other way round, it´s essential for their survival! I hope you get what I mean, they have to win, they have to be in control, as little child they had no control. Of course I´m no psychologist, but as psychologists usually don´t deal with BPDs in the context of a love relationship, how should they know better than a guy or a girl that was in love with a BPD?
At least the above written is my own point of view, it helped me to forgive her, she doesn´t know better, but I know.
2. Just forgive yourself for thinking you have being fooled.
Man this is a PickUp forum here, you get the tools to seduce some nice woman and BPDs are somehow just Naturals. However BPDs as emotionally 3 year old childs in a mature body are not aware of that they seduce with destructive and dangerous consequences for their loved ones.
So if you get out alive of such a toxic rs. Be happy and don´t be so serious about who did the break up first or even about being fooled?
All this "I wish I break up with her first." stuff is just an EGO-thing (in my opinion this applies to rs with BPDs or NONs). Detach your emotions and your EGO and you are free. Just get over it, fastlane has some nice posts here to do it.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/#post-2332401
Take your own responsibility and don´t play the blame game!

The other day I had a fortune cookie with a nice saying
'Love is a game in which both players cheat.'

Really good post man. It never helps me get over her when people on here post about "throwing BPDs in torture cells for how they manipulate love" etc.

She was hurt BAD as a child. When her family was done abusing her, it would be off to be bullied at school, so she found the internet at a young age and got bullied there.

I have deep empathy for this person no matter how much terrible, life shattering **** she's done to me. I was one of the few lights she had in life, who gave her emotional support and a daily routine. Then she relapsed, almost like someone having Vietnam flashbacks, and I was the enemy.

Wanting to punish them for being evil will just draw you back in and make you blow up their phone with insulting texts then break down with regret.

They are ALREADY experiencing extreme pain and emptiness. You will be an idiot shoveling more **** onto the pile and that's why they ignore you. All you can do is let go.

 

[SuccessIsDestiny]

@Carpathian Thanks. I had a similar situation with an ex reach out to hook up and I did. No reason to go down that road again. Go with your instincts and focus on the new relationship.

DAY 23

I'm still going through the ups and downs of the process still contemplating on reaching out. My friend that introduced us told me she reached out to him to see how I was doing responded Great!....that's all she gets I'm gonna stay strong and hold my boundaries.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 0

Called her yesterday. She told me she was in love with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore. Told her to come round. Said she had a date with the guy, but would come over beforehand.

Told her I'd grown a lot and saw things differently. She wasn't receptive. I kept pushing. The guy she was meant to be on a date with was calling/ texting and she delayed it so I decided to keep trying. Basically played some serious beta game. Eventually she succumbed. Smashed her about 5 times last night and this morning.

Wasn't the same. I don't think I like her as I used to. It was partly an ego thing...to know I could still have her.... We want to "make things work" but I'm not even sure anymore and I'm definitely not giving up all the plates I'm racking up...it's crazy out there right now.

 

[xstang77]

Day 0

Called her yesterday. She told me she was in love with someone else and didn't want to be with me anymore. Told her to come round. Said she had a date with the guy, but would come over beforehand.

Told her I'd grown a lot and saw things differently. She wasn't receptive. I kept pushing. The guy she was meant to be on a date with was calling/ texting and she delayed it so I decided to keep trying. Basically played some serious beta game. Eventually she succumbed. Smashed her about 5 times last night and this morning.

Wasn't the same. I don't think I like her as I used to. It was partly an ego thing...to know I could still have her.... We want to "make things work" but I'm not even sure anymore and I'm definitely not giving up all the plates I'm racking up...it's crazy out there right now.

Bro come on,I thought we were in this together time wise, I'm not hating but you've given me helpful tough love and I'll give it back,I knew this might happen to you from the sounds of your last update. You gave in to the guilt and denial stage that hits hard around that time period. If your spinning other plates there's no reason to do this if I can stay strong with no plates and coming home to an empty house every night and mine still contacting me. You got a pitty **** from her and gave up your dignity don't give in again,stay strong brother.

 

[BeTheChange]

@xstang77

Not sure I'd call it pity sex because now she is currently blowing up my phone. Don't know how to leave it but yes shouldn't have given in. It's definitely a case of wanting what you can't have. When she was walking down the street a week ago she looked like the golden girl who could have any man she wanted. Im not saying she isn't pretty (HB9) but now I'm actually with her and she's told me about the guys she was seeing (IMO I am on paper better than them all) I don't feel like I desire her anywhere near as much....

 

[S. Aureus]

Day don't remember
It is actually weird and sad that people near me couldn't tell me about horrible things that she did because they didn't want to "hurt" me.
So the other girl I'm actually seeing, her ex is dating my ex. She is better is all I can say. But I don't know if you guys had this tv ad about a car insurance about Hunter. She is like that, "if it goes, it will come back". Like a fuc#%ng boomerang.
Maybe she hasn't forget her ex so I'm actually thinking of going low contact. But it'll be difficult because I see her in all my uni class.
If this doesn't work, I had to search for another plate but nothing serious, I think that I can go for a lot of 18-19 years old that I gave her some class (I'm 21 years).

 

[Firestar786]

Bethechange - very dissapointed bro!!!

It's 45 days for me right and I have proper urges to contact her but I know I won't.

Feck her.

 

[alex_in24]

Hey Alex,
I read your posts here in the NC-thread, and I think you know the deal with BPD. So to me it seems there is only one thing left to do for you, or two:
1. Just forgive her. BPDs are pathological liars, almost have no self-concept or at least a very fragile one so they adopt yours, because they can´t be alone. From my experience with my BPD-Ex I think theese girls felt so much unimaginable pain in their childhood and even later in their down-peirods (feeling dpressed, lonly, empty) as adults, err in an adult body, because emotionally they are like 3-year old child. Ever seen a 3-year old child that has remorse or conscience or takes resposibility? No they just don´t have theese and BPDs don´t have it either because of this f@cked up disease, but so many Ex-Lovers of BPDs except them to have it. But it just won´t happen. Never! I think that´s also one of the points, why you won´t get any closure with theese girls. You just have to make it for own.

Another thing is about abandonment. They have been abandoned as childs. Just imagine the incredible pain. As chils they had no chance to do anything against the
life-threathing abuse they experienced! It is an existential fear of them to be abandoned, therefore they have to abandon you in a break up not the other way round, it´s essential for their survival! I hope you get what I mean, they have to win, they have to be in control, as little child they had no control. Of course I´m no psychologist, but as psychologists usually don´t deal with BPDs in the context of a love relationship, how should they know better than a guy or a girl that was in love with a BPD?
At least the above written is my own point of view, it helped me to forgive her, she doesn´t know better, but I know.
2. Just forgive yourself for thinking you have being fooled.
Man this is a PickUp forum here, you get the tools to seduce some nice woman and BPDs are somehow just Naturals. However BPDs as emotionally 3 year old childs in a mature body are not aware of that they seduce with destructive and dangerous consequences for their loved ones.
So if you get out alive of such a toxic rs. Be happy and don´t be so serious about who did the break up first or even about being fooled?
All this "I wish I break up with her first." stuff is just an EGO-thing (in my opinion this applies to rs with BPDs or NONs). Detach your emotions and your EGO and you are free. Just get over it, fastlane has some nice posts here to do it.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....confidence-how-to-be-you.233590/#post-2332401
Take your own responsibility and don´t play the blame game!

The other day I had a fortune cookie with a nice saying
'Love is a game in which both players cheat.'

Thank you brother for ur time to reply to my post and give me an objective thinking from ur side. I am aware of the ego thing that is going on in my head but im trying my best to leave that aside. And yes, BPD women are hell ! Everything u said is true..

 

[Carpathian]

Bro come on,I thought we were in this together time wise, I'm not hating but you've given me helpful tough love and I'll give it back,I knew this might happen to you from the sounds of your last update. You gave in to the guilt and denial stage that hits hard around that time period. If your spinning other plates there's no reason to do this if I can stay strong with no plates and coming home to an empty house every night and mine still contacting me. You got a pitty **** from her and gave up your dignity don't give in again,stay strong brother.

We are all human with a heart and failings. We are not machines. We f*** up sometimes as @BeTheChange did here. Just got to try and learn from it. I just had a weekend of wild sex with my new woman, it was great. But I still think of the ex, especially since she offered me FWB status with her. I am so tempted but I do not think it is a good idea for my emotional well-being. Maybe I always will want her, she meant a lot to me despite the sh1t she gave me. I'm a very bright, professional and switched-on man. I should know better. But logic and education plays no part in human desires and sometimes we fail and we give in to our temptations. It is so hard sometimes. I feel and have sympathy for @BeTheChange even though he undoubtedly fooked up.

 

[xstang77]

We are all human with a heart and failings. We are not machines. We f*** up sometimes as @BeTheChange did here. Just got to try and learn from it. I just had a weekend of wild sex with my new woman, it was great. But I still think of the ex, especially since she offered me FWB status with her. I am so tempted but I do not think it is a good idea for my emotional well-being. Maybe I always will want her, she meant a lot to me despite the sh1t she gave me. I'm a very bright, professional and switched-on man. I should know better. But logic and education plays no part in human desires and sometimes we fail and we give in to our temptations. It is so hard sometimes. I feel and have sympathy for @BeTheChange even though he undoubtedly fooked up.

Oh no doubt,I'm not hating on him,it's just that it comes down to how bad it got really,with a full blown bpd ex like mine I've come out of the fog enough to know without a doubt If I continue with her in any way I will end up dead or in jail. I've been where he is and even though he ****ed her while she was talking to the other dude he lost,and she won it feeds into her power trip,these people will literally Destroy you and continue on there merry way like it was all you. They literally destroy your self esteem and you feel like you've got the upper hand when you've gone through hell and high water to bang them or get them to commit time with you but as they say,"when the devil wants to dance you better say never because the dance with the devil will last you forever."

 

[Firestar786]

Day 47
On day 45 she called me around 8 times throughout the day
Day 46 - she called me once in the evening.

I have not picked up and just ignore these calls.

I like my life the way it is and so many things are going so well for me.

Fecking glad I didn't contact her.

 

[Firestar786]

will be 7 weeks tommorow - absolutely 0 contact.

absolutely cannot wait.

Meeting and going out with a girl on saturday.
and also meeting another on monday.

perfect.

 

[Tony197]

30 days NC on Sunday.

She and I belong to the same FB Group for a volunteer thing, so I've had to post on there a few times. She "Liked" one of my posts. Other than that, NADA.

 

[Carpathian]

Nothing more frustrating than this, the presentation of problems and the slow realization that they don't really want to have them fixed, i.e. they are just excuses.

Agree. 100%. If she wanted to fix the problems she would still be with you still, working at them. She is not, she's gone. Conclusion? She is not interested in you and nothing you say with change this; you could offer her the world and it would still not be enough. So let her go and forget her and let her live with her choice. She will often realize in her own time how wrong she was about you, by which time you will be happy and in love with someone else.

 

[Firestar786]

today is 7 weeks.
cant believe how i feel. I feel ****ing great as opposed to being a sad nervous anxious wreck when I was with her with no goals or not really even getting anything done apart from living day to day and trying to keep her happy. In these 7 weeks I have got my **** together, I rarely think of her and have sort of forgotten she even exists also!

I have gone from around 18-20% bodyfat to around 11-12% in 6 weeks. Really pleased with how my body is looking and within 6-10 weeks i will be 7-8% bodyfat - in other words I will be proper shredded.

Business is doing much better and plans to expand are there.

My savings £$ have also gone up, as I havent met any girls or really gone anywhere. Perfect.

I have also started to slowly cold approach and get into that habit also.

1 more week and its the extremely looked forward to 2 months NC. After this **** my Ex, I have bigger plans

 

[Carpathian]

Well done @Firestar786 keep it up man.